Reactions after long periods of NC?

[Justme1]

I've had limited contact with my uBPD mother for the past year, and for the past month and a half we've had no contact at all.

This is probably the longest I've ever gone without exchanging at least a short phone call or email. It's peaceful, and I'm pretty content with NC... .that said, I don't expect it to last. In the past, she's broken the silence by calling me up and convincing me to do something with her... .or sending an email with a random question. But I've blocked her from contacting me online, and I don't intend on answering her phone calls. What should I expect?

I know each individual is different, but I'm curious how your BPD family member reacted after a long period of NC. I don't intend on communicating with her, but I don't know if she'll just snap one day and send a dozen nasty texts, or if she'll show up on my doorstep angry, or pretend nothing happened... .Would appreciate some insight  

[lucylou]

hi JUSTME I had a very similar experience with my UBPD mom earlier this year. She turned up on my doorstep after a year of NC as if nothing had happened when she had heard via my ex husband who she kept in contact with (stalking anyone?) that i had had another baby. Initially i was pleased to see her as it caught me off guard and i was also loaded up with baby loving hormones   but true to form she soon slipped back to her old ways. Snipes at my partner, snipes about our work situation, negative remarks about my brothers children and everyone else. The list was endless. I started to feel suffocated  and that the relationship was out of control again.I went NC for about 2 months basically by just ignoring her calls (she soon gets the message nowadays) Then decided because i was feeling stronger after therapy sessions id  write her an email outlining boundaries. Well once again we started seeing each other but she couldnt resist making her digs. You could almost feel her voice straining trying to find nice things to say.

Anyway i have finally made the break and ended things for good because unfortunately she is not able to see its HER with the problem  If she were in therapy then it would at least give some signs she can acknowledge theres a problem.

I understand how you feel about her suddenley getting in touch.

I worry i havent seen the last of my mother although i am more or less positive she has finally thrown in the towel.

I think if she gets in touch with you she is more likely to be on her best behaviour rather than say something nasty, as she will want to draw you back in.Although you can never fully predict how they will react.  I will never forget  one christmas  my mom turned up after  5 months of NC stoney faced and said can you get my grandchildren i have some cards with money inside for them but i wont give them you as you will steal it! i threw her off the doorstep! What i know now about that is she was projecting because she used to help herself to my grandparents money .

Its certainly possible your mom will turn up unannounced or contact you at any time.They dont give up easily, it depends if she has found a replacement for you. I get edgy at birthdays or christmas holidays as those are the times she usually makes an appearance.

I think you are doing amazingly well to deal with this as it is soo hard and i understand completely how you feel. It is so irritating how no matter if they are in your life or not they usually manage to get you thinking about them. They are very disruptive and hard to predict . I dont know what more to say other than I am with you on this and know how you feel and will certainly take some strength from your ability to stand firm in your decision to remain NC peaceful and drama free. Sending you hugs and healing 

[Justme1]

Its certainly possible your mom will turn up unannounced or contact you at any time.They dont give up easily, it depends if she has found a replacement for you.

Thanks for sharing your experience, Lucylou. I found the comment you made about finding a replacement for me particularly interesting since I had never thought of it that way before. I think my dad and my brother fill that void for her, however when things go south with them, maybe that's when she starts to come looking for me again.

I can also relate to what you said about how she's remained in contact with your ex husband. My mother tends to reach out to every person who knows me when we aren't communicating. It's as if she's trying to piece together clues, which can be unsettling if I let myself think about it.

Also it's reassuring to know that you've gone through multiple periods of NC. It shows me that if I do decide to communicate with her, that that's a normal desire and I can decide to close the door again whenever I need to.

I appreciate your help! 

[Sitara]

she had heard via my ex husband who she kept in contact with

I didn't realize this was so common.  My mom is currently being friendly with a member of my husband's family trying to get info out of her.  In the past, she has also used things people say about me out of context to make me feel bad. 

In my experience, after big arguments, my mom would silent treatment me for quite some time, but when we'd get in contact again she'd act like nothing had even happened.  So I agree, that if she does make an appearance in your life, she's probably going to be in best behavior to try and draw you back in.  Good luck, and stay strong!

[enough abuse]

Wow, Thanks for asking this question.  I enjoyed (well enjoyed is probably not a good term as none of us enjoy the situations we are in) but so much of what has been said here is so true in my life.

I have gone no contact twice prior to my current NC of 8 months.  Each time of course starts out great (the top of the circle of abuse) and then progresses back to "square one"

The first NC I really did not know what the problem was as it was prior to seeking professional help.  Of course I had the "hope" everything was going to be OK and it was for awhile.  Then the second NC lead me to seek professional help.  After being lead to exactly what was happening I then went with limited contact which worked out OK about 3 years and then we are at the current situtation and I truly feel this is it... .can't go thorough the pain again and I KNOW it will only happen again just a matter of when. 

It is going to happen sooner or later we will be at some event together and I really am anxious as to how I will handle it.  I have NOTHING to say to her.  Anything I say could be turned into lies.  Truly, I am not discussing my kids other than they are doing fine.  If I say my kids are "good" I will be acused of bragging that my kids are the best.  If I say it's cold outside, I will be nothing but a complainer... .get it... .no win... .So I really don't know how this will go... .

My best to all who travel this jouney with me... .Hang in there

[louise 716]

Enough abuse:

You hit the nail on the head - "Anything I say could be turned into lies."

Here is my mantra when dealing with my BPD/N DIL and my son: Anything I say or don't say, do or don't do, can and will be used against me.