OMG, the War has been declared

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I can't believe this.  Ok, I know I should.

She nuked the counseling session on Wed with not only her declaration that she was "done" with counseling and done with us and she was moving out, but also admitted that she has continued to spy on me.  Ok, it's done and I'm with it.  She packed boxes for days, had a little help from her daughter.  Kept talking about Tues. as moving day.

Then Sat she flips and tells me that "I" know that she told me she was leaving Sun.  Okay, obviously she was looking at my FB comments about the situation.  No, nothing aggressive or accusatory, nothing like that.  So she apparently decided to do it earlier because of that.  Well, that's even better, right?

So now it's Veteran's Day, I'm a vet, my dad is a vet, one of my daughters and her hubby are vets, I've got a daughter active duty and serving in Qatar right now.

And tonight I get a text from my daughter doing duty in Qatar that she got messaged by my Ex-wife.  The Ex-wife was contacted on FB by the frigging EX-g/f, who is telling her what I've said in counseling and also something about someone else contacting my Ex-wife?  Now, I don't like the ex-wife at all.  She has her own disorders (yes, plural) and I explained a bunch of stuff she did trying to ruin my military career during the divorce (makes fantastic reading, by the way).  Also alienated my youngest daughter from me. 

But to find out that this freakin brand new EX-BPD is doing this sheet has violated my privacy and making whatever accusations or claims or whatever... .

Now I have to deal with a restraining order... .

[frag1911]

I can't believe this.  Ok, I know I should.

She nuked the counseling session on Wed with not only her declaration that she was "done" with counseling and done with us and she was moving out, but also admitted that she has continued to spy on me.  Ok, it's done and I'm with it.  She packed boxes for days, had a little help from her daughter.  Kept talking about Tues. as moving day.

Then Sat she flips and tells me that "I" know that she told me she was leaving Sun.  Okay, obviously she was looking at my FB comments about the situation.  No, nothing aggressive or accusatory, nothing like that.  So she apparently decided to do it earlier because of that.  Well, that's even better, right?

So now it's Veteran's Day, I'm a vet, my dad is a vet, one of my daughters and her hubby are vets, I've got a daughter active duty and serving in Qatar right now.

And tonight I get a text from my daughter doing duty in Qatar that she got messaged by my Ex-wife.  The Ex-wife was contacted on FB by the frigging EX-g/f, who is telling her what I've said in counseling and also something about someone else contacting my Ex-wife?  Now, I don't like the ex-wife at all.  She has her own disorders (yes, plural) and I explained a bunch of stuff she did trying to ruin my military career during the divorce (makes fantastic reading, by the way).  Also alienated my youngest daughter from me. 

But to find out that this freakin brand new EX-BPD is doing this sheet has violated my privacy and making whatever accusations or claims or whatever... .

Now I have to deal with a restraining order... .

[Lady31]

Oh no Frag.  Much fun ahead.  RO probably going to trigger her even more.  Hope it works out okay.

[RecycledNoMore]

Evasive action Frag!, you got yourself a rogue operative there bud, ok ok ill stop foolin around, your right man, the things ive heard in here would make best sellers at the box office, I too have an r/ o, it hasnt stoped the uBPDx completely because he weaseled his way out of town to prevent it being served on him, but he knows... if he dose nothing about it, in 3 months it will become permanent, im in n.z though so im not sure how it works for you guys? Its ment ive had very minimal contact, few msgs via fake profile on fb, but it been so peaceful, I can breathe for once, Im not agonising over what to say to the millionth txt of the day,I can hang out with my daughter, without hearing a car horn outside, ( he used to sit outside and toot till I came out), now this guy was pretty extreme and the r/ o stopped him pretty much in his tracks, whats your ex like? Do you think a r/ o will end this, or is it likely to switch her to Defcon 5?, sorry frag had to sneak that 1 in:)

[frag1911]

No problem Recycled.  I appreciate the humor!

My BPDex had made an accusation in counseling that I wanted to find my ex-wife to restart that relationship.  The Rest of the Story was that because of my ex-wife's behaviors and issues (which my BPDex had first-hand experience with), I have no idea where she is WITH my youngest daughter and I wished I could afford a private detective to find out so I know how my daughter is.  Our daughter is 18, so when I stopped paying child support, ALL contact was lost.

In the last session where she blew up and ended everything, I was able to explain the rest of the story to our counselor.  My BPDex was being asked by our counselor why she would think that I wanted to renew my relationship with my ex-wife.  Of course she started gushing things that had nothing to do with the question, and the counselor had to stop her a couple of times to try to get her on subject.  That's when she went completely wonky and announced we were done with the counseling and she was moving out.

I think that my being able to explain away her irrational accusations (I was able to address about 5 of them in the last couple of sessions, including this one) had severely affected her.  I compare it to taking one brick at a time from her wall, so she had sat there watching this wall being "demolished".  Along with her need to "win" at all costs, things weren't going her way so it was time to end it before her irrationality was confirmed.

[fromheeltoheal]

Restraining orders, counseling blow-ups, walls being destroyed, war, drama.  I'm sorry all this is going on frag, it must be exhausting for everyone.  I hope you guys can create a peace, as best you can, as we go into the Holidays.  Let's create

some bliss.

[TwoCents]

Restraining orders are handled different in every jurisdiction based on the local laws, but from my experience, someone has to have threatened, criminally harassed, assaulted you, or similar before you can get a RO.  I know people who have tried to get them and failed because the other person's actions were just not severe enough.  And I've seen them granted but then overturned when the other person showed up to dispute the order.  The courts are often wary of being drug into refereeing what they perceive to be personal matters.  Judges usually expect you to bring police reports or case numbers, not just a good (bad) story or some ugly emails.  Obviously the standard is lower when there is someone more at risk for being victimized, such as a child, or someone disabled or elderly.  And the standards are certainly lower when the parties are related or living together because there are often specialized domestic abuse/assault laws to handle those situations.  I don't believe you can easily get a restraining order simply because someone is contacting you or other third parties against your wishes, no matter how unkind or inconsiderate their actions are, until it is clearly threatening of your safety or health, at which point you'd get a police report and use that as the basis for requesting the RO.  Writing someone messages alone doesn't constitute [criminal] harassment.  For that they would need to be showing up at your work and causing a scene or repeatedly knocking on your door at unreasonable times, or other actions that are clearly harassment.  Them telling your friends what a jerk you are won't cut it.  I would think it is very uncommon to obtain a restraining order over someone's wishes based solely on incessant texting, contacting third parties and telling them lies or otherwise manipulating the situation, being inconsiderate of another person's path to healing, or other actions that fall short of exhibiting or creating the possibility for violence.  And if they show up later to to dispute your request with emails you wrote them or whatever, the court will likely just call it a domestic disagreement and tell you both to be on your way.  Of course there's the possibility that the other party will not show up for their hearing to dispute the RO, as they are usually given.  But if they do show up to dispute the order, you'll need ironclad reasons for the RO to remain in place.  At least that's my experience.

[RecycledNoMore]

Oh frag, its so sad youve been alienated from your daughter... ., so basically ur BPDx  couldnt handle the pressure of being held accountable and therefore imploded, now shes trying to get at you by contacting your ex wife, ahh BPD, the gift that just keeps giving... .keep your head up fraggy ol bean, you seem like your on a good path, hopefully down the track when all the bs with your BPDx has blown over, you can concentrate on connecting with your daughter again,like fromHtoH says create some bliss...

[frag1911]

Thanks, 2cents, I appreciate the low down.  My only experience with RO was the one the ex-wife tried to get because I wasn't giving her enough money, took the check book away, and talking about her in a disparaging manner "to other women".  Not a wonder that she didn't get the RO, eh?

Recycled, I can only hope that someday I can reconnect with my daughter.  Maybe she'll see the light some day, we'll see.

[frag1911]

Well, I took a couple of days off from anything except school.  I didn't post here much, I didn't even touch FB.  Actually, before all this, I would go on FB only about every 6 months. 

My BPDex isn't aware that I know about her contacting my ex-wife.  She messaged me on FB Monday; flowery worded I love you and I cherished our time together message.  Also said she would take care of the balance owed for her phone purchase.  Yesterday it was an "I love you... .can't get you out of my mind" and asking me to "make space" for her.

Obviously she didn't think I was serious when I had said if she walked out of counseling (she had done the same thing the first time we tried counseling) or I found out she was spying on me again, then I was done.  I know, I know.  She's wanting to recycle me back into the r/s. 

She called because she wants to get a car seat that was in my truck, for her granddaughter.  I didn't answer the call.  I moved my truck completely out of the apartment complex and walked back (grocery store we often walked to when we needed just that one thing for dinner).  When she was getting off work, I went to the park across the street.  Watched her drive into parking lot, apparently see that my truck wasn't there, then I watched her drive through entire complex looking for my truck.

[GreenMango]

Breaking up has parts that need to be taken care of.  If she left things maybe you can make a pile of stuff at the door and text her its there and to pick it up by x time.  Closing the door on the loose strings will help so there aren't more excuses for her to to come over or call.

Having to hide your car for fear she will rifle thru it is pretty inconvenient.