Did you try to fix/save them?

[Iamdizzy]

Did you try to save/fix them?

What was the thinking behind it?

Do you see any flaws/ "never again will I make that mistake again" type of thinking?

[necchi]

Oh ! God did i try, every time i was engulfing myself in my own sorrows and it hurt just to to think about it... .and i think about it every moment of the day, the pain seems to be going away from time, but times like these i lived before because i thought I'd would be that" moment" were she saw clearly and could empathized or who I'm i kidding here?

Anyhow ya been there done that, and I'm scared i would do it again, please god if you exist get me out out of this! Please for my sake

[patientandclear]

No.  I practiced not being a saver/fixer on him and it has just about eaten me up in hindsight.  He told me, when he was speaking word salad and explaining why the r/s was falling apart for him, that "I don't have the skills, but you [P&C] have the skills to fix this."  I told him "I can't do 100%.  I can only do 50%."  Hard won wisdom after a very bad marriage in which I tried to do 150% and only succeeding in having things get worse.

I have replayed those words 1000 times since.  I have wished I said "you're right, I have the skills!"  Because then maybe we'd still be together.  I miss him a lot.  He was falling apart and I loved him and it has been really really hard to live with saying I wouldn't fix it by myself.

My mind is sure it was the right position to take.  But my heart is still not completely forgiving me.

[Hazelrah]

Good God, yes... .I did my very best to save her.  It eventually became all-consuming.  I actually convinced myself early in our relationship that I'd found my given purpose--i.e., to provide a safe haven for this woman and give her the happiness that had eluded her all of her life.  Obviously, this was a really unhealthy belief to hold. 

I'd long been waiting for someone to provide my happiness for me, so naturally I felt it was my duty to return the favor to someone I loved.  I didn't know any better at the time, but I certainly do now.   

[bpdspell]

Guilty as charged.

Did you try to save/fix them?

In many ways yes. I tried to model to my ex how to treat me by treating him they way I had always dreamed of being treated by someone who claims to love me. I also fell for my ex's victim of circumstance story and often enabled and made excuses for his behavior all so I wouldn't lose my "soul mate."

What was the thinking behind it?

The thinking was subconsciously motivated but powerfully influential nevertheless. My thinking was if I could fix him then he could fix the damaged parts of me and I can finally have my happy ending of feeling unconditionally loved. I wasn't consciously aware that I was emotionally driven in this way but now that I'm out of it I can certainly own that a lot of my fixing and rescuer issues were based on my low opinion of myself and trying to save someone else for my own personal benefit.

Do you see any flaws/ "never again will I make that mistake again" type of thinking?

I took me months to unravel the twisted damaging narrative that influenced the choices I made in romantic partners. But with help from my therapist I realized I was trying to rewrite the damaging narrative I had inherited from the toxic relationship I had with my mother.

I understand myself and my emotional history better now so I know i wouldn't ever involve myself with a person who has BPD.  I love myself, I respect myself and I value myself more now than I did before I met my ex and that in itself is the gift that comes from dealing with a borderline.

Spell

[topknot]

Without a doubt. I organized his home, cooked elegant dinners, listened for hours on end until 3 in the morning and my battery, or his, would give out and we would laugh. I bought beautiful lingerie, gave him cash when needed. I tried to fix all his ouchies by being the perfect girlfriend. What I got? I cried for 3 straight days when it was over, grieving what he represented to me. It felt like giving birth again, it hurt so badly. So did I try to fix him? Oh God, yes. Did it start me on the road to crawl out of the depths of codependency hell? Affirmative.

[Learning_curve74]

Yes I tried to "fix" her. Not only was she an alcoholic and abusing Rx and OTC drugs, I also knew she had bipolar, BPD, ADHD, PTSD, OCD, GAD, a whole fruit salad of acronym mental conditions.

I thought that I could be a stable force in her life, help her find herself and stay busy through our shared interests, help her develop her self esteem through little victories, help encourage her to live the best life she can, keep her safe from her self destructive ways, help show her the world can be a wonderful and beautiful place to live a fulfilling life, and to show her the beautiful valuable person that I saw in her.

I ended up drinking an alcoholic under the table on a regular basis. I spent money on trips and gifts. I learned what it it's like to be lied to and betrayed by a person you love. I heard the typical cheater excuse, "But he didn't mean anything to me. I love you!"

I learned that neither she nor I were emotionally whole people, and that we latched onto one another desperately to fill that void. I wanted to love her so she would love me, to fill the void caused by my father who was emotionally damaging to my self worth all my life. And she was seeking love to fill the void caused by not having her father in her life and having an abusive mother. Our relationship was very much the "lonely child and abandoned child" dynamic.

I think that I am growing, learning, and healing myself now. But the scary thing is that if I'm brutally honest, if it weren't for the cheating with other guys, I very likely would still be with her, or at the very least I would not have been the one to break off the relationship.

I was feeling stronger today, but now I feel weak and defeated. I cried just about the whole time I was writing this post; I feel broken down. This is one of the times I wish there was an amnesia ray that could just erase the memory of our relationship, but then I also wouldn't have learned these important things about myself nor to dig even deeper into self-discovery.

Many years ago I made a choice to live and grow instead of to give up and die. It was a rebirth for me. And now having been through this BPD relationship, I realize that I still have a lot learning and growing to do. I will always be learning and growing as long as I breathe.

Maybe I strayed from the original topic some, but this has been helpful for me. Thank you, Iamdizzy for starting the thread. 

[HarmKrakow]

One of the reasons why we stay and get attracted to these damsels in distress is because (99.9% of the people here tried to save them) we believed in some nasty self centered picture of ourselves that we are strong enough to stabilize them. Dumb f$cking idiots that we were...

1) We didnt realize that we also are majorly damaged...

2) Uhh helloo... .A "fixer" kind of r/s? Thats just dumb.

[RecycledNoMore]

Hey learningcurve, if you find that amnesia ray, send it my way >> >®<< <

[Mazda]

HarmKrakow: I found your comments rude and offensive.

We are not delusional, we are not self centered.  We are all good human beings, who innocently fell in love with someone and selflessly put them and their needs above our own.  We all have a vast capacity to love and unfortunately, happened to come across people who have misused that.  The qualities that led us to stay in these relationships, loyalty, trust, love, care and concern are qualities that make us great people and incredible to be in a relationship with.  Every person can improve themselves, most people have some esteem issues and it should not reflect badly on us.  We are not stupid, dumb, gullible or anything else negative.  Hindsight is always 20/20, you can learn to think but you can't learn to feel.  We are all here because we are all good people.

[LA4610]

she told me horrible stories about her past and her past relationships. HORRIBLE STORIES ( her ex husband put a gun to his head and told her to pull the trigger, he put a knife to his ribs and told her to push it in, hit her, an ex boyfriend that got addicted to cocaine and flipped on her, another ex who verbally abused her, every boyfriend she ever had cheating on her, getting attacked by another man in the middle of her sleep). I believed her bc she is very good at portraying herself as a sweet girl who someone can EASILY take advantage of.

What I did was I treated her as best as I knew possible. I treated her the way I would want to be treated. Eventually, she started comparing me to these other boyfriends (in a bad way). It literally crushed my heart.

Things I would do differently:

1. Any relationship I get in now I am setting a boundary we won't talk about past relationships nor ex'es nor we will still talk to them

2. obviously notice the red flags associated w BPD ( i had no idea what BPD was till after our rs)

3. SLOW DOWN

[HarmKrakow]

HarmKrakow: I found your comments rude and offensive.

We are not delusional, we are not self centered.  We are all good human beings, who innocently fell in love with someone and selflessly put them and their needs above our own.  We all have a vast capacity to love and unfortunately, happened to come across people who have misused that.  The qualities that led us to stay in these relationships, loyalty, trust, love, care and concern are qualities that make us great people and incredible to be in a relationship with.  Every person can improve themselves, most people have some esteem issues and it should not reflect badly on us.  We are not stupid, dumb, gullible or anything else negative.  Hindsight is always 20/20, you can learn to think but you can't learn to feel.  We are all here because we are all good people.

Let's agree to disagree ok?

We can drag this out forever but there is no point. If you truly believe you didn't participate in this BPD dance, didn't enable the disease, etc. That is your opinion and I can accept that. We just give our opinions on this. Your reaction is as rude and offensive as you consider mine to be.

I've been in therapy since October 2012, with multiple therapists, and they all tell the same. A sane, healthy, loving person doesn't fall in love with a BPD person and ignores the red flags. They don't. The way you describe your post, doesn't surprise me you fell in the trap of a BPDer in the first place.

To me, a sentence like, 'innocently fell in love with someone', I get goosebumps and   very hard. If you think, that you unfortunately fell in contact with someone with BPD , I can only tell you that I think you are wrong.

[EdR]

HarmKrakow: I found your comments rude and offensive.

We are not delusional, we are not self centered.  We are all good human beings, who innocently fell in love with someone and selflessly put them and their needs above our own.  We all have a vast capacity to love and unfortunately, happened to come across people who have misused that.  The qualities that led us to stay in these relationships, loyalty, trust, love, care and concern are qualities that make us great people and incredible to be in a relationship with.  Every person can improve themselves, most people have some esteem issues and it should not reflect badly on us.  We are not stupid, dumb, gullible or anything else negative.  Hindsight is always 20/20, you can learn to think but you can't learn to feel.  We are all here because we are all good people.

Let's agree to disagree ok?

We can drag this out forever but there is no point. If you truly believe you didn't participate in this BPD dance, didn't enable the disease, etc. That is your opinion and I can accept that. We just give our opinions on this. Your reaction is as rude and offensive as you consider mine to be.

I've been in therapy since October 2012, with multiple therapists, and they all tell the same. A sane, healthy, loving person doesn't fall in love with a BPD person and ignores the red flags. They don't. The way you describe your post, doesn't surprise me you fell in the trap of a BPDer in the first place.

To me, a sentence like, 'innocently fell in love with someone', I get goosebumps and   very hard. If you think, that you unfortunately fell in contact with someone with BPD , I can only tell you that I think you are wrong.

Actually, I would understand and perhaps even appreciate these kinds of posts if they were a response to 'that BPD #$# ruined my life. I hate her etc.etc'.

Both this original post and that of candace in the other thread did not sound anything like that though. So imo your harshness is uncalled for.

I am very well aware of the fact I may sound harsh as well. I just feel I need to balance all of this.

There is such a thing as middle ground. And on top of that... it seems to me that you're all of a sudden bashing a loving attitude. To me it just sounds like you've just as well developed a coping mechanism of your own by leaving the middle ground.

The truth is NOT: it's all their fault... they are just leeches

The truth is NOT: we are stupid and are majorly damaged ourselves

The truth is far more complicated. It's not all black and white. That's a very well-known coping mechanism though.

[goldylamont]

To me, a sentence like, 'innocently fell in love with someone', I get goosebumps and   very hard. If you think, that you unfortunately fell in contact with someone with BPD , I can only tell you that I think you are wrong.

No I never tried to fix or save my ex. Even though i didn't know that she had a condition that had a name at the time, i knew that these were issues she would need to overcome herself. I did try to be a supportive and honest partner, that was all.

HarmKrakow -- I believe you are definitely codependent, you tried to swoop and save and made many mistakes, and it's good that you can admit to this. I made some mistakes, but not these.

Mazda, I wouldn't get too frazzled by HarmKrakow's words. I believe he means to help. And, I think all of us have more than enough practice dealing with other people projecting their own issues onto us, right?   That's all that's going on here.

On these forums I've found the majority of people identify with issues of being codependent, trying to save, being immersed in idealization, having the best sex of their life, etc. I've never identified with any of this, however still learned a ton from people that do. I trust that you will be honest with yourself about how you fit into the r/s and use this to grow. And the fact that you posted what you did doesn't say that you are running from the truth, but that you know how to speak up for yourself and draw your boundaries. so good for you. perhaps others should take note on how to express themselves as well as you, without coming across perhaps more crass than they meant.  

booyah, where's the emoticon for high fives on this thing?

[HarmKrakow]

To me, a sentence like, 'innocently fell in love with someone', I get goosebumps and   very hard. If you think, that you unfortunately fell in contact with someone with BPD , I can only tell you that I think you are wrong.

No I never tried to fix or save my ex. Even though i didn't know that she had a condition that had a name at the time, i knew that these were issues she would need to overcome herself. I did try to be a supportive and honest partner, that was all.

I remain amazed by this. As it's a textbook examples which even psychologist or shrinks use for their diagnosis when treating someone out of a BPD r/s. Even reading articles about this, scientifically and through other users and even Borderline communities (the opposite of this board) and I everywhere the majority claims the fixing/savior issues. You have one interesting mind  It just sounds like, as example, you are cripple, but still can win the swimming competition. It just doesn't seem biologically/mentally logic :P

HarmKrakow -- I believe you are definitely codependent, you tried to swoop and save and made many mistakes, and it's good that you can admit to this. I made some mistakes, but not these.

I was codependent. I do things now because I want to do them and enjoy it.

Mazda, I wouldn't get too frazzled by HarmKrakow's words. I believe he means to help.

I believe everyone here is to help others. There is not 1 way that leads to Rome.

On these forums I've found the majority of people identify with issues of being codependent, trying to save, being immersed in idealization, having the best sex of their life, etc. I've never identified with any of this, however still learned a ton from people that do.

It's because that's the check list for BPD partners. It's like when you eat a rotten fish, you go to the toilet :P and not all out of a sudden start feeling great :P If someone with BPD seems to not do anything a BPD does, but everything a NPD does, than it means that they don't have BPD no? :P

I think you have been lucky, to be the exception here(!). I mean that.

[Waifed]

Mazda,

I have always prided myself on being a kind, caring person who always put others before myself.  Through my BPD experience I have learned that these traits enabled me to become intertwined with a pwBPD.  I was naive and never thought I could be sucked in to such a toxic relationship.  I have to take responsibility for that.  I believe I will continue to be kind, and caring and to an extent put others before myself but after therapy and learning from this board I also know the red flags to look out for and I will deal with them accordingly.  In retrospect I now see many red flags early in the relationship that I should have dealt with and made decisions accordingly.  I think both you and Harmkrakow have valid points.  We did very much enable the relationship to blossom and gradually become toxic because of our kindness and caretaker mentality, but we also have good qualities that we don't have to give up.  We just need to educate ourselves to view relationships as healthy people do and deal with red flags like a healthy person does.  We can be kind and healthy at the same time. 

[HarmKrakow]

Mazda,

I have always prided myself on being a kind, caring person who always put others before myself.  Through my BPD experience I have learned that these traits enabled me to become intertwined with a pwBPD.  I was naive and never thought I could be sucked in to such a toxic relationship.  I have to take responsibility for that.  I believe I will continue to be kind, and caring and to an extent put others before myself but after therapy and learning from this board I also know the red flags to look out for and I will deal with them accordingly.  In retrospect I now see many red flags early in the relationship that I should have dealt with and made decisions accordingly.  I think both you and Harmkrakow have valid points.  We did very much enable the relationship to blossom and gradually become toxic because of our kindness and caretaker mentality, but we also have good qualities that we don't have to give up.  We just need to educate ourselves to view relationships as healthy people do and deal with red flags like a healthy person does.  We can be kind and healthy at the same time. 

Well said, but then again you knew that already

[Waifed]

Yeah, now if I can only practice what I preach

[Ironmanrises]

Did you try to save/fix them?

Yes.  Although I knew of her BPD in round 2, I knew intellectually that it was futile but my heart thought otherwise.  I thought my love and compassion and my empathy would have some effect on her. I was wrong. I was so f¥cking wrong.  The end result was the same.  She left regardless.

[goldylamont]

I remain amazed by this.

... .You have one interesting mind  

thanks HarmKrakow! although my experience is somewhat different perhaps than the majority, i've connected with several other users here and we are able to see common ground. it's not so rare as it may seem, however on these boards i think many of us that feel this way may keep quiet since we don't want to sound "greater-than-thou"--b/c we're *not* . in the end i was just as terribly hurt, heartbroken and depressed as others--now *that* i do identify with!

this whole experience has given me such an appreciation for my parents for raising me the way they did, and my family for being who they are. not perfect, but i feel so thankful to have felt nurtured and encouraged as a child; i so wish my BPDx could feel the same way.

I think you have been lucky, to be the exception here(!). I mean that.

i do feel very fortunate, as noted above. this is kind of inspiring me to start a new thread at some point to see how many other users may not identify with many of the "non-BPD baseline" issues, but have other issues of our own. i think it could be a learning experience and maybe shed more light on this diverse issue. thanks for your comments and insights.

[Discovery]

Yes... .I honestly naively thought r/s were places where each person came imperfect and we mutually support each other when we encounter stuff that's holding us back (often stuff the r/s brings up)... .I had experienced that mutuality in a healthy way in previous r/s.

I guess this time what was different was it was pretty well one-sided.

I so loved the "good" part of him that I REALLY wanted to "fix" the not-so-good-and-sometimes-scary other part of him.

I shared information about attachment dynamics and how our cycles of him avoiding, me anxiously seeking to connect were not unique to us ... .I shared the book "Hold Me Tight" (also on this same topic)... .I asked him to go to therapy with me hoping that having a third party would help depersonalize the issues and help us have the dialogue we needed to address the things in the way of a healthy relationship... .I modelled empathic listening and taking accountability for myself, thinking that he'd learn how to do this (because I knew he hadn't learned it in his FOO) if I could show him what it's like... .Sadly, I knew everything about his childhood and how very traumatic it was, and I thought our commitment and love could be the healing relationship which would help both of us grow and heal the parts of ourselves that got triggered when unconscious stuff showed up.

*Sigh*

[Iamdizzy]

Harmkrawkow meant no harm in his comment although the wording was a bit rash.

I have to agree 100% a normal person would get the F out as soon as those BPD sob stories come into play. What can I say other than yeah, she's mentally ill but who's worse off mentally? A man who stays? Or the person with BPD?

I'm WAS a sucker for amazing sex and sob stories. I couldn't just get up and leave after hearing about rape, the horrible ex boyfriends, you know the banal stories I am talking about.

There have been numerous times in which I heard stories about horrible ex boyfriends, sexual abuse etc etc. from girls. After those talks, I would just leave. However, this wasn't the Case with my BPD ex. IMHO BPD or not, she was (physically) my ideal girl. I've come to realize I stayed because that's what I wanted physically... .and as much as I knew it wasn't there mentally, emotionally, chemically, I deluded myself. This has to work. Not easy to admit. But f_ck it. I am human and I welcome this opportunity for self growth. There was obviously something wrong with me.

[necchi]

My day went good,i think i am finally seeing light ahead even though it gets dark pretty early.

the obsessive thoughts have been replaced by scenario's of me not wanting this, no jalousie nor if you love me that much you should trust we can go through it,no,no,no not my problem anymore, has it been hard ? ... YES What help me ? Grieving and not trying to stop thinking about the memories, just feeling the pain.

The road is still up ahead but thanks to you i am not alone

xxx.   Merci !

[Clearmind]

I tried to

1) fix

2) save

3) change

my ex to fit what I thought was the ideal I wanted. He turned out to be nothing what I wanted - BPD or not.

[caughtnreleased]

I salivated at the thought of fixing/saving him. Then I read all the posts on this board, read the stats for recovery (scientific journals, etc... .), had a panic attack (as I recognized I had some pretty bad patterns myself) made one single, but (in my mind) important gesture, and oh how difficult it was, spent the next 6 months working on letting go... .still working on that btw.

[TwoCents]

I didn't try to fix. I tried to find an infinitely deep patience within myself to accept, overlook, or make excuses for aberrant behavior.

[SuzyQ33]

I met my husband while still at school - we were childhood sweethearts... .so I can say I went into the relationship innocently and with very high expectations.  I knew I had to be the stronger one in the relationship from the day I said yes to marry him... .I just did not know then what being stronger (forever and ever) entailed. Did I try to fix him?  Yes, he was an alcoholic from early on, and I always thought that if he stopped abusing alcohol and be the person he can be sober, it would all be fine... alas!  He eventually stopped drinking, joined the AA etc... .but it was even worse then... .he fell into a deep depression and I again tried to fix him... .support, love, encouragement, even defending his actions and always in our marriage... .hiding or softening the effect pretending the relationship was okay. 

When you have kids you need to do this, right?  Yes well now I have kids who are not so okay with it, who can actually see that he cannot be fixed, and sad to say ... .they saw it before I could.  I was also infinitely patient... .to the point of being exhausted and having physical ailments due to "overlooking" and "accepting" all the b/s.  The ride is truly exhausting and my life always seemed to be in "crisis-management"... .and always trying to fix it, staying strong, making excuses... .

I can honestly say that I am not doing that anymore... .I do not fix anything, I do not apologize, I do not even participate in the roller coaster ride anymore... .but I can still see him suffering and sometimes that is difficult to accept... .but it is his burden to carry further, not mine anymore. I have worked too hard to detach to be swallowed whole again... .

Love and empathy to you all.   

[Discovery]

SuzyQ33,

Your path sounds like it's been long and VERY HARD. I hope you can honor and take care of *YOU* now. It's hard to watch someone suffer, but *YOU* and your suffering matters too. YOUR well-being and wholeness comes first. Love.

[SuzyQ33]

Thank you Discovery,

I am fighting very hard at the moment to not get sucked in again... .your words are a confirmation... .and uplifting!  Wishing you well!

[Discovery]

SuzyQ33, what can help you NOT get sucked in again?

Please make a list.

Share it on this board if it helps - create a new post - so people here can support you.

Wishing you clarity and strength. You know deep inside what you need to do.

Many people on these boards have had to access courage they didn't even know they had... .I believe a life that honors you IS possible, one step at a time.