Need advice re my own abandonment fears and how to heal them

[lucylou]

Hi Everyone i am having difficulty with a very big flea that I have inherited from uBPD mom. Basically i have been with my current partner for about 18 months. We have an 8 month old baby girl. I also have 4 children from a previous relationship. (ex was a NPD) Last week we had a small arguement and he decided he needed some time away to go back to his own country and visit his family.He will be away for 3 weeks. This triggered major abandonment fears in me and i almost destroyed our relationship.

Luckily I was able to talk to my counsellor on the day he left and she told me to be calm and not react and assume he would be coming back. I did as she instructed and things are getting back on track again but the fear that he doesnt want to be with me is still there.

I know this is a flea and i want to get rid of it but i am not experienced enough in understanding why this happens in non borderlines and i dont know how to stop myself from reacting this way. I start to worry that i have BPD myself although i dont believe i do. This is hurting me alot, its like i go into a distancing mode when anyone shows that they dont want me anymore. Once in that place i put up very large barriers and i cannot take them down and change mood again easily even if i desperatley dont want someone to leave. My attitude is if you dont want me then go which is contrary to what i really want. I have left many people because of this reaction and i want to change.

I remember as a little girl locking myself in the cupboard when i was sad waiting for mom to come find me. I would stay in there crying and eventually she would notice me and say something liike "god you are not crying are you"  it was shaming me i guess instead of offering comfort and now because of that i find it terribly difficult to reach out to people even when im in deep pain.

I was wanting to ask if anyone else has this experience and how they found a way to get themselves out of this self destructive cycle.

Im really worried i will end up ruining a good relationship if i keep reacting this way.

Any advice or  suggestions of books/links would be very welcome as i dont know what to do next    

[GeekyGirl]

When we grow up with parents with BPD, it's very, very common to pick up fleas. You're not alone there.   If your mother distanced herself when she felt threatened, that's the behavior that you learned was appropriate. It's sort of a "you're going to hurt me, so I'm going to hurt you first" dynamic. My mother (like some other people with BPD) uses the silent treatment to send that message. When she feels hurt or threatened, she sends the message to the other person that they're unimportant and unwanted, so it seemingly gives her power.

It's good that you mentioned this to your counselor. She's right--for now, you have no reason to think that your partner isn't coming back. Have you talked to him since? What can you do to reassure yourself that he is coming back? He isn't your mother, and he isn't your ex--have you talked to him about your fears? He might be able to reassure you.

[lucylou]

Hi Geekygirl, yes we are talking lots and i explained to him why i react like i do and he is doing his best to understand. He says he misses us and he will be home as planned in a few weeks. I guess i am a terrible over reactor but I am getting better and i am committed to getting myself off the drama triangle but anything to do with rejection always triggers a strong reaction even if its all in my own head . Thanks Mommie dearest for that gift  .I always shudder when i think about how that movie was one of my moms favourites 

I know what you mean about the silent treatment my mom has done that in the past along with other kinds of psychological warfare.  I guess it all comes down to finding new functional ways to express yourself instead of the dysfunctional ones that we learned from our parents. I am not good at asking for what i need. Thanks for you advice Geekygirl you always give good replies to posts. I shall continue to learn more about why i react as i do and hopefully with time these situations will be a thing of the past.

[GeekyGirl]

I guess it all comes down to finding new functional ways to express yourself instead of the dysfunctional ones that we learned from our parents. I am not good at asking for what i need.

You got it!  Believe me, I know what you're going through. I've caught myself wanting to give DH the silent treatment, and I gave my roommate the silent treatment a few times when we were in college.   It's something that bothers me now... .it really was a poor coping mechanism, but it was the only way I knew to resolve conflict. That's not something I'm proud of, but it's something that I have worked on, and have developed better coping skills. At the same time, I'm also working on forgiving myself--while my behavior wasn't stellar, I have to let go of that guilt, make amends with the people I hurt, and move on in a healthier way.

You are aware of your fleas, which is awesome. That's how you move on and heal, by being honest with yourself and working on the areas that bother you. You are strong. Keep going!