Ex interfering with daughter's medical care, without legal custody

[Seeking Peace]

Hello All,

I was on this site when I was going through my two year divorce and custody battle.  I have sole legal custody and primary physical custody of my children S13 and D10.  My ex is an attorney, which is a very stressful added feature to my situation.

I have been in court twice since our divorce- on average we have been there every other year since 2005. I had a bad experience in court two years ago, where the judge did not even reprimand my ex for violating the court order despite documentation in his own writing of taking money out of the child support check, and a witness testifying he took one child from the bustop and tried to take the other from her daycare center when he did not have custody of them.  He also failed to follow the order of our Issue Resolution attorney (as stipulated in our court order) or to pay for my son's braces (as stipulated in our court order).  There were other things, but I had very clear evidence of those behaviors, and the judge gave him no consequences, even though my lawyer told me it seemed like a "slam dunk"for me beforehand.  I lost faith in the judge, the courts, and my attorney and decided to just try to make the best of a terrible situation on my own (constant harrassment and ridiculing my ex, screams at the kids, tells me what a bad parent I am all the time, claimed $2000 a month in au pair daycare expenses  in court, and then let the girl go within two weeks after court finished  - you know the stuff  .

Around the time of my last court date, my daughter was tested and was diagnosed with ADHD.  I tried to get her started on medication but my ex escalated so much no one would prescribe it.  After watching my daughter struggle for years and constantly say that she hated herself, I begged the pediatrician to try her on medication, which he did.  She responding incredibly well to it, and was happy, more times than not, for the first time in years and years. 

My ex proceeded to file a complaint with the state licensing board against my daughter's pediatrician and has also been threatening and harassing staff at his office (he is an attorney).  He also admitted to never giving my daughter her medication, he claimed she had been complaining of shortness of breath and a rapid heartbeat for 6 weeks but never informed me (she has never complained of those things with me or at school), and he changed an appointment with a pediatric cardiologist that the pediatrician had made on an emergency basis without notifying me or him or informing the clinic he did not have the legal authority to do that.  After these experiences, my pediatrician informed me he was no longer willing to prescribe my daughter's medication.  He is seeking legal consultation as to whether to keep my children as patients at all (we have been seen through this practice for 13 years, my son has asthma also).  His practice is part of a large medical institution in the area that provides premier medical care, and I am concerned my children will not be able to obtain care from any department there because of my ex's behavior.

I am at a loss as to what to do.  I have no faith that the courts will help my children and I make much less money than my ex does to pay an attorney (again) and am worried about my financial future if I keep spending all my savings every two years to take him back to court.  Anyone have advice or thoughts for me.  My daughter wants to stay on her medication and my children obviously need a pediatrician.

Seeking Peace

[catnap]

His practice is part of a large medical institution in the area that provides premier medical care, and I am concerned my children will not be able to obtain care from any department there because of my ex's behavior.

You would think his employer would have an issue with him going rogue on a personal vendetta. 

[Seeking Peace]

Yes.  I had someone else suggest to me that I notify his law firm about his behavior.  My experience with them in the past though was that they protected him - for example, repeatedly failed to accept service for subpoena's to them regarding his income, etc, costing me extra money to keep having them served.

I also called the Attorney Grievance Commission in my state who would not comment on the phone as to whether this is a situation they would investigate, but sent me a form to fill out.  My information is "hearsay," however, because the pediatric office has told me he has been "reminding" them he is an attorney when he calls and abuses them.  I will be getting my daughter's records, so some of it, at least, will be documented.  I am just afraid they are going to bar us completely before I can get help from the courts.

Seeking Peace

[livednlearned]

If you have legal custody, why does it matter what your ex does or says? Can you go to another pediatrician (totally understand why the current one might not want to stay involved... .)

My ex is also an attorney. Your story is similar to mine, although visitation is only 16 hours a month, which is great. And my son was dx'd ADHD, (has asthma too -- are you sure you aren't me  ) although I haven't medicated him for other reasons. N/BPDx tried to sabotage all of that, including the 504 plan so S12 could have accommodations at school.

This is a little aside from what you're asking in your post -- but there is a lot of research that CBT therapies are as successful as treating ADHD as medication. The problem is the expense and time it takes to see results.

Does your daughter see a therapist? If you do go back to court, having a third-party professional testify on your behalf could help.

Sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it is. I was just in court today, just watching the money disappear like leaves in the wind... .

[momtara]

This story makes me angry.

The fact that your doctor can be intimidated into not treating a patient is incredible to me.

From an outsider perspective, this is a situation that shouldn't continue or be allowed to continue.  You are so used to it - and beaten down by a crazy court system (and an attorney husband) - that you are tired and tapped out, and I can't blame you.  And yet, you are being a good mom and fighting for your kids. 

You may be able to get a little advice by posting on avvo.com for free.  Also, you may be able to do what my lawyer suggested I might do at some point -- you can go to court to restrain your husband from contacting the children's providers.  Based on the fact that they are considering dropping you as patients, you may well have a good case for that.  My lawyer suggested that to me when my hubby was canceling appointments.

You were able to get sole legal custody, so clearly the courts know that he is nuts, or he did something terribly wrong.  What exactly were you able to prove?  How did you get sole custody? 

You are a good mom and your kids are lucky!

I don't know about notifying his boss about his behavior.  You could get in trouble, I would think (from a layman's perspective).  They are indeed going to protect him.  Unless he is doing things legally unethical that could get him disbarred, in which case you'd probably take that up somewhere else. 

[ForeverDad]

My story... .

2007 - Then-stbEx raged and cursed at son's pediatrician's staff and the doctor 'fired' her (according to medial notes) by sending a letter notifying mother (then the temporary custodial parent) they were "withdrawing their services".  The practice was very nice with me but refused to tell me what happened since I was not the parent with temp custody and mother had claimed HIPAA privacy rights.  But despite their silence they were lightning quick to release son's medical records and I read in detail how she had raged.  They gave her 60 days notice.  By the way, my ex never told me she lost the pediatrician.  Never.

2008 - My daycare got police involved and filed harassment charges against my ex for interfering with pick ups from school on my parenting time.  Case later dropped.

2008 - We started Shared Parenting with me a Residential Parent for School Purposes.  I asked the school to let him stay for the last 3 months of kindergarten.  Ex kept causing scenes after school when my daycare was picking up son for my parenting time.  Finally after one incident the principal told me that the school board had rejected my application for open enrollment and I had one day to get son registered in my school district.  (If I hadn't become the RP then the school would have been stuck with us.  Good thing I had insisted I be the RP!)

2008 - With the new school I chose a daycare closer to my school, one my ex had used before.  One day there was an incident with my ex - details never divulged but it was when she arrived early for a pick up and daycare was following the order.  So my daycare also notified me they were "withdrawing their services".

So I suspect the operative phrase your pediatrician was searching for is "withdrawal of services".  It's rare, but it happens.

Family court might view your child's health as something more actionable than the prior financial complaints.  Maybe.

[livednlearned]

Also -- if you go back to court, will you go before the same judge?

I understand you have no faith in the system after what you went through. But getting your ex to obey sole LEGAL custody is different than following orders. Ask a new lawyer for a free or cheap consultation to see what they think about your case. Judges don't like it when people blatantly disregard THEIR orders. As opposed to orders worked out by the plaintiff and defendant.

You may find an L who can carry this forward AND get your legal fees reimbursed.

But thinking this through -- as someone who has legal custody of S12 -- I would look for other doctors first. You have sole legal custody. Period. But prepare for the appointment first -- maybe see the doctor on your own before going in with your daughter. Explain the situation. Bring in statements from teachers and the psych evaluation.

I agree with momtara, this makes me angry.

[momtara]

ForeverDad, I had no idea that places could drop kids because of crazy exes.  (Although there was just a situation like that in the news recently.)

I'm lucky my husband backed off with our day care.  He keeps wanting our kids to change providers. 

[Seeking Peace]

Thanks for your feedback.

I remember you Forever Dad from your custody battle years ago.  I think your child was 3 or younger then.

Momtara: My ex and I went through everything in our custody battle - custody evaluation, psychological evaluations of us both, expert witness hired by me, children had their own attorney which was requested by me.  The custody evaluation, done by a very well respected psychologist, is what did him in in terms of legal custody.  In the end, he AGREED to my having sole legal custody in a Parenting Agreement our attorneys wrote up based on the custody evaluation and our input.  The agreement became our court order.  I imagine he will assert that he no longer "agrees" to my having sole legal custody but the psychologist's language could not be clearer that we have no ability to make decisions together and that he was abusive in the marriage (all three of our marriage therapists told her that). 

Thank you Momtara for giving me that website name.  I did post my question and you are correct - I have to file for a protective order for my children.  The attorney said I have to have proof that his behavior caused the practice to let us go.  I sent a written request for my daughter's records today. 

ForeverDad - it is at least positive that your son's practice gave you 60 days to find a new doctor.  I have not received written notification from the practice they are dropping us yet.  Given that the winter is usually the worse time for my son's asthma I need to make sure he has access to his doctor.  In the meantime, I have gotten names of some psychiatrists I will talk to about prescribing my daughter's medication.  I think a psychiatrist will at least have a much better handle on how to deal with my ex-husband.  Say as little as necessary, set boundaries, and keep referring him back to me with questions (he won't speak to me so he will never ask those questions).  I gave this advice to the pediatrician the day he handed me the prescription, but he got sucked into the Vortex of Evil and everything he said was then used against him in the complaint my ex filed with the state.

I too wish the doctor had not allowed himself to be this intimidated.  The office keeps telling me that this is costing them time and money and that is it not fair to the doctor.  I get that, but wish someone would stick up for my kids other than just me.  I am very worried my daughter is going to blame herself that we can't go there anymore.  She knows everything was ok with the pediatrician (her father never showed up for her appointments)  until she started her medication.  She is very bright, and will put two and two together  :'(.

Livednlearned - Based on my court order, I have to notify my ex of every medical, educational, dental, etc appointment.  He was able to shut down the process of a Section 504 plan for my daughter with his outrageous behavior and accusations of me (for example, told the team I had accused him of trying to kill the children).  She has been doing well in school - it just takes ALOT of effort for her to pay attention and stay focused and once she gets home from school, all hell breaks loose.  The judge we went before has since retired.  I am also going to change my attorney - bring in a male who I think will be more assertive than my L (for example, his first response upon hearing my story was: Your pediatrician needs to grow a pair"  )

I am so glad I remembered about this site.  I have been feeling so alone lately.  It is really hard sometimes to keep going - So thank you

Seeking Peace

[ForeverDad]

Based on my court order, I have to notify my ex of every medical, educational, dental, etc appointment.  He was able to shut down the process of a Section 504 plan for my daughter with his outrageous behavior and accusations of me... .

What does the order state about notifications?  Do you have to inform him beforehand or can you do it afterward?  But that may only delay his sabotage, not stop it.  Frankly, it it likely you'll have to file to have that notification clause removed - or notification limited to only emergency situations.  His history of obstruction in child care gives substantive basis for reducing his involvement, even notification.

[livednlearned]

Based on my court order, I have to notify my ex of every medical, educational, dental, etc appointment.  He was able to shut down the process of a Section 504 plan for my daughter with his outrageous behavior and accusations of me... .

What does the order state about notifications?  Do you have to inform him beforehand or can you do it afterward?  But that may only delay his sabotage, not stop it.  Frankly, it it likely you'll have to file to have that notification clause removed - or notification limited to only emergency situations.  His history of obstruction in child care gives substantive basis for reducing his involvement, even notification.

You would need to show a pattern of this. Does he obstruct everything or at least most things?

When SeekingPeace notifies the father, he obstructs care for the children.

So your case would focus on the pattern, not just the incidents themselves.

Also, are you in a state where they use parenting coordinators?

[Seeking Peace]

My ex definitely has a pattern of interfering around treating my D's ADHD.  After she was diagnosed, he threatened to change the children's health insurance to an HMO with a $10,000 deductible if I pursued medication.  I frankly was so worn out at that time, I could not fight with him anymore and had no more money to put toward court (we had just been to court 6 months before that).  I dropped pursuing the medication, had my daughter continue in therapy and continued to work with her at home on her behavior.  But she really had some moments of crisis this summer that scared and saddened me enough to risk his wrath and get her the medication. 

He does not fight me on medicating my son's asthma, just this.

I AM in a state with a Parenting Coordinator, but because I have sole legal custody and so much less money than my ex, my lawyer has encouraged me NOT to file for one to come on board.  My ex will bleed me dry financially by having the parenting coordinator get involved in what should be decisions I have the legal authority to make, such as this medication issue. 

My ex has numerous violations of the court order, mainly financial, for which I have not filed for help with the court since, again, I am spending thousands of dollars every two years.  So I definitely feel I have a pattern of disregard for the court order on his part, not only about my legal authority to make these medical decisions but a number of other issues as well.  He just does whatever he feels like doing, all the time.  He stops short of taking the children when he does not have custody of him anymore though, and he HAS stopped taking money out of the child support checks since we were last in court.

I sent away for my daughter's medical records and am documenting all he is doing.  I hope to consult with an attorney within the next 10 days or so.

Seeking Peace