Help me, please, help me.

[Imagine_Peace]

I'm just going to start from the beginning, briefly, as I think it's important. I was engaged to a mutual friend of my current SO and myself at one point. He tragically and very suddenly died in a horrifically traumatic way that I still deal with to this day. I myself witnessed his death along with my son, and attempted to (myself) resesitate him. I feel i need to share that information so you will understand that I am myself, dealing with PTSD.

Also, My SO is undiagnosed, I am only thinking at this point that it is BPD we are dealing with.

My SO and I got together quickly, and also quickly decided to try for a baby. Once I got pregnant, the emotional abuse and self harm began, him breaking me down, making me feel like a disgusting horrible mother, woman, person; punching walls, himself, throwing things, ect. He constantly apologizes afterwards and says he didn't mean any of the things he said to me and that he will never do it again. It has escalated since our daighter was born. The emotional and verbal abuse is beginning to feel physically threatening. He has driven the car Eraticly as though he was going to smash into the backs of cars and then turned out of the way at the last second, he tells me he is going to "beat my ass" and gets in my face, he grabs me, pinches me, throws objects (both small and large, my daughters swing for example) in my direction so they barley hit me. He forcefully takes things out of my hands,forcefully digs in my shirt to get my phone in my bra ect. He has also grabbed our three month old daughter out of my arms and held her while he was an inch away from my face screaming at me "You effin bhit, youre a stupid effin bhit". He has also tried to break the bathroom door down while holding her. I think he may (he says she was just scared) have hurt her during that inccedent because she started screaming like a hurt cry. He has threatened to make me and my son get out of the car in the very late night driving home from a family trip in the cold and took my phone. He told me while me and my son were in the car (my son was sleeping) that he was going to run the car off of the road. He has told me that me and my son have to leave In the middle of the night in the winter (multiple times). He has locked me and my son out of the house during the winter in the wind while my son had bronchitis. He also sexually demeans me by calling me a lesbian and saying that everyone knows I like girls because all my friends are girls. All of this and Hundreds of personal, sexual, demeaning, belittling verbal and emotional threats and put downs. The most recent and horrble devolopment is his suicide threats every time i tell him i cant do it anymore. He tells me, to tell his family, that he killed himself because of me, and he will leave and not answer his phone and send me into horrible panic states. Because I have PTSD, I get horrible images and racing thoughts and become almost paralyzed because in my head, I feel as though he is dead. I can't describe the horrible feeling I get. When he is not having an episode, he praises me, like I am the most perfect, beautiful person, woman, mother. I am his queen. He is soo good to me and my son and acts like he will never do that (have an episode) again. He says that when that happens, he feels like he's in a dream and he has no control. The things that trigger it could be anything to dishes being in the sink, me laughing at another persons joke, or putting the babies pajama pants with her day time pants.  I am so afraid to leave him. Because I love him and I don't want him to kill himself. I want to find a way to seperate, him get help, and try to visit and fix our relationship again. I don't know what to do, I am heartbroken, hurt, devastated, and terrified for both me and my children

. On top of everything, I am soo afraid for my son losing another man. I need help. Does any of this sound like BPD? My son is six, my daughter is 3 montages. I am 26, he is 25.

[connect]

Hi Imagine_Peace

So sorry to hear what's going on for you at the moment.

You are definately in the right place here. It sounds as though this is becoming a situation where you and your childrens safety could be threatened. I imagine that the PTSD that you have is not helping you and could possibly be keeping you a bit stuck if he is triggering you.

Are you going to any therapy yourself? Lots of us here are and it does help.

[Clearmind]

Sweetheart! My Goodness – firstly what I am reading is in fact abusive. Have you considered calling a domestic abuse hotline to talk to someone who can help you! With two small kiddos its hard to do it on your own.

Fixing your marriage is two fold 1) him voluntarily getting into treatment – because unless its voluntary he wont stick to it. It needs to be his choice 2) you also need some help – I also had PTSD after the break up of my relationship – I needed some therapy to help me with better coping skills to help me.

I also come from a BPD home – my father is BPD – what I would have done for my Mum to leave sooner!

Leaving IP requires planning. Its not a good idea to leave without a plan. Are you able to get in touch with a domestic abuse counsellor to help you with a plan so if you need to leave quickly you are in fact prepared?

Hugs to you!