Bumped into ex after almost 2 years NC

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi,

I don't know why I'm posting this news. I should be way over this by now, right?  But for some reason, I feel that posting here will make me feel better.

It's been over 1.5 years not seeing her, and then today I bumped into her at the grocery store. I was so taken aback! It was all I could do to not race out of there like a bat out of hell. I was polite, but ended our happy sharing moment rapidly (less than 45 seconds total). I think the ex wanted to chat a bit, but hell no!

It's been a long road toward healing for me, and though I am pretty much healed, seeing her will never ever be a good thing. it stirs everything up, even though I'm "over" it, mostly. I always had this idea that once you were over someone you'd be fine/calm/cool/collected in their presence, but I remind myself of what I read on this board all the time--that with a BPD ex, everything's different. And so it is. Besides the normal range of bad feelings I experienced today, I've also felt sad. It's sad to have loved someone so much and then never to be in touch again. Boo hoo.

After racing out of the store like a crazy person,  I kept having anxious thoughts that she'd be mad/disappointed/playing the victim/raging because of my awkward behavior. I kept dreading the phone ringing and her going off on me, as was the custom when we were together. I had to remind myself, Oh, I'm not with her anymore, I don't have to do that anymore... . 

I am so happy to not be in a relationship with her anymore.

Ok, I'm done.

 

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hi,

I don't know why I'm posting this news. I should be way over this by now, right?  But for some reason, I feel that posting here will make me feel better.

It's been over 1.5 years not seeing her, and then today I bumped into her at the grocery store. I was so taken aback! It was all I could do to not race out of there like a bat out of hell. I was polite, but ended our happy sharing moment rapidly (less than 45 seconds total). I think the ex wanted to chat a bit, but hell no!

It's been a long road toward healing for me, and though I am pretty much healed, seeing her will never ever be a good thing. it stirs everything up, even though I'm "over" it, mostly. I always had this idea that once you were over someone you'd be fine/calm/cool/collected in their presence, but I remind myself of what I read on this board all the time--that with a BPD ex, everything's different. And so it is. Besides the normal range of bad feelings I experienced today, I've also felt sad. It's sad to have loved someone so much and then never to be in touch again. Boo hoo.

After racing out of the store like a crazy person,  I kept having anxious thoughts that she'd be mad/disappointed/playing the victim/raging because of my awkward behavior. I kept dreading the phone ringing and her going off on me, as was the custom when we were together. I had to remind myself, Oh, I'm not with her anymore, I don't have to do that anymore... . 

I am so happy to not be in a relationship with her anymore.

Ok, I'm done.

 

[fakename]

haha, awesome

[patientandclear]

SBS, hey 

As you know we are on different paths toward (I hope) healing, and it may be a signal that your choice was better than mine that I'm still on this board a lot more than you are.  If it makes you feel any better, my continued contact with my ex as "friends" has been just about as weird as never speaking to him again would be.

I agree, there are aspects of this experience that are just never going to be OK no matter what we do.  We can survive and we can thrive, but I don't think it will ever really not be broken somewhere deep down inside.  It's too fundamental a betrayal.

Glad to hear you're generally good.  You're the author of still one of the funniest posts I've ever read on here -- the one on the thread about how we all think they are going to get it together with the next partner.  I've been wondering how you were faring!

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hi P&C 

So nice to see you here (you know what i mean... .)

I remember that post I wrote. I want to find it to cheer me up. 

I don't know how you stay in touch with your ex... .I am not that strong. 

Just 30 seconds or so in my ex's presence (with about ten words said) had brought all the sadness, etc, back.  It is such a monumentally deeply completely life changing experience (for the worse) to love someone with BPD. . It's never going to get better than this, I know that.

I feel for you, I really do. I was there for so long, trying to be in touch with her, as friends, or whatever. it was hell.  I am sending you good energy right now, because I know how it is... .   

[peas]

It's never going to get better than this, I know that.

Huh?

[patientandclear]

Hi P&C 

So nice to see you here (you know what i mean... .)

I remember that post I wrote. I want to find it to cheer me up. 

I don't know how you stay in touch with your ex... .I am not that strong foolish. 

Just 30 seconds or so in my ex's presence (with about ten words said) had brought all the sadness, etc, back.  It is such a monumentally deeply completely life changing experience (for the worse) to love someone with BPD. . It's never going to get better than this, I know that.

I feel for you, I really do. I was there for so long, trying to be in touch with her, as friends, or whatever. it was hell.  I am sending you good energy right now, because I know how it is... .   

See my small correction above ... .

For those who weren't around at the time, I spent 10 months in strict NC before getting in touch with my ex, and thought I was clear enough on what happened and why, the disorder, not taking it personally, there are triggers everywhere, it couldn't have worked, I accept that, yada yada, that I could go back in and retrieve what was good between us outside of the failed romance.  So I zipped up my radiation suit & went back in.  I had very pure motives.

But what happened then is that it was indeed very good, and he busted through all my intimacy boundaries (except we didn't have sex), and I started believing all kinds of wrong things about how you can evolve trust the slow, hard way with someone wBPD, and eventually, maybe love could flower in a more healthy way.

That has not proven to be the case.  I will just caution anyone exploring contact that he is very happy to have me in a pseudo-partner role where he has lots of emotional access to me but no accountability.  There are no rules so if he goes away for a while, he doesn't have to call it a breakup, etc.  It's really a perfect arrangement for someone with BPD.  And as Conundrum reminds us often, it may be a fine arrangement for us too, it's just weird and challenging and confusing because it looks so unlike any conventional love r/s.  And for me, it's been hard to know what to expect and what the difference is between good and bad behavior under these circumstances.  It's been a good chance to practice boundary definition and enforcement.

Back to you SBS ... .if you find that post/thread about how our exes were going to get into world-class DBT and other therapy with the help of their supportive next partners, I'd love to read it again!

[Slowlybutsurely]

What I mean is that I think that in ten years if I see her, I'll feel about the same way I do now. It's been over two years... . 

Although I'd like to think that when (thinking positively) I am in a happy relationship again, it will be different. I don't think so, though. It was just so awful. My relationship with her shattered my heart/soul more than i ever thought possible. Seeing her I think will always activate lots and lots of pain.   That's what i meant... .

I just have to not bump into her again... .  I was doing pretty well. 1. 5 years.  Not bad.  

[fakename]

I just skimmed through all the titles of the threads you posted in. Didn't see anyone revolving around getting it together with the next partner.

I'm curious what it said... .

Anyway I saved some threads to read later that caught my interest. I think it's nice reading through what someone who is recovering well read through.

I know different stages of my recovery dealt with me just happening to be exposed to relevant content at the right time to make an impact at where I was at mentally.

Unfortunately since I found out about her new relationship she's been back on my mins more than I would like.

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hey P&C,

Well, okay, foolish. I don't know. I can understand wanting to be in touch. It's awful and abysmal to say goodbye to someone forever and ever.  It's really awful.  But for me it's better than seeing the ex.

Your situation sounds... .sad?  My guess is that being in touch with your ex makes it almost impossible to want to be with/find a more suitable partner?  Lately, I've been finally getting to the point where I can visualize my dream partner. I've come such a long long way. Almost two years in the making, and not the slightest interest in romance, but now I feel it changing.  I'm sorry that you still feel stuck. 

I tried finding my post with the search function, but I couldn't. I know it had the word "poll" in it. I'll try again.