We file and she will be served on Monday

[Nope]

I had wanted to run what we have by the board before we did all of this, but it occurred to me that may not be smart. So we just took advice from the lawyer and we are going all in. Contempt round 2, Motion for a parenting investigation, and change of custody. My fiance's BPD ex gets all three on Monday evening by process server.

Things have been very quiet the past month and a half. She's been doing the bare minimum required by the parenting plan. We usually can't even get her to do close to that so it's been a pretty substantial change. But we know that she is just trying to keep her head low until everything we have becomes old and stale and then it'll all go back to the way it's always been. This certainly wouldn't be the first time she's done that. This will be the first time she hasn't gotten away with it.

I'm glad to have the big push to get all the Motions written up over with. It's been exhausting as I've been the primary contact with our L on this. (I have some small legal background.) There is a part of me that is very happy that we are finally moving on this but I know the next part is going to be really hard for my fiance. This is going to start WWIII. Calls with the kids will get worse, not better. And eventually at some point she'll call and and try to FOG or gaslight him. She's good at making him think maybe he's the one who's crazy by the end of some of their conversations. Then he remembers that everything she says only sounds totally reasonable if you don't know what the truth is.

I'm going to keep all updates on this string until court. Words of encouragement and advice are always appreciated.

I told him that I told the L to "File when ready." And he looked at me, smiled, and said, ":)id you just say you told her to fire when ready?"  I guess either way it amounts to the same thing.

[livednlearned]

It will start WWIII. Do your kids have someone they can talk to? I know it's hard to get a T involved without joint consent, but maybe talk to someone at your kids' school. I met with the family specialist and told her what was happening. Shortly after I left, when things were hairiest, S12 had an incident at school. Not a bad one, but enough that they called me to pick him up and take him home mid-day.

They handled it all so incredibly well -- they knew what was happening at home. After the incident, they took him into the office and said it's ok to be angry, but he couldn't be aggressive. That sometimes when we feel powerful feelings, the best thing is to take a time out and let the hot stuff cool down a bit. There was some kind of game in the family specialist's office that dealt with feelings, especially anger, and she played that with him for about 30 minutes before I got there. That's all he talked about on the way home. Somehow he made the connection between his anger and his feelings, and how he could've done it differently. He certainly never learned that from his N/BPD dad. 

Anyway, just wanted to say you're right that things are going to get awful for a while. Even if the kids are in another state, maybe you could call the family specialist to let them know. Chances are, they already know something is "off" with the kids.

[Nope]

S9 spent the last part of the school year seeing the school counselor once every other week for 15 minutes because of his behavior problems. Unfortunately the school they are in is unequipped to handle these things and since many of the teachers know BPD mom due to having kids that participate in the same activities they don't want to get involved.

BPD mom just called my fiance today to tell him that she had a conference with S9's teachers yesterday and at their advice she is taking him to get tested for ADD. *sigh*

I think she mostly called to cover herself for the fact that we are about to see another bad report card in the mail.

Of course when we go to court she is now going to blame all S9's behaviour problems on ADD. Though to be fair he probably does have it because his father does. It just isn't going to make our case any easier.

[scraps66]

I have learned and been taught through many incidents, when it's quiet, there is usually something afoot that is not good for me.  It's that, or it's quiet when I need something communicated.  There is always some element of loss for me.

[ForeverDad]

From kindergarten on, my son's teachers always commented that he had difficulty concentrating, was easily distracted and distracted his classmates.  When he was in third grade, just turned 9 years of age, I noticed a distinct improvement.  I figured he just reached a more aware stage of growth.  About that time I had gotten custody but I don't know whether that was a factor since our parenting schedule didn't change then.

Also about that time his teacher had provided his therapist with paperwork for a psychological assessment from ADHD or whatever and four tests were administered just before the school year ended.  A few months later we got the report.  Essentially normal but diagnosed with anxiety due to the parental conflict or discord.  Nothing we didn't already know.

A year later she took son to the pediatrician for a complaint of a swollen gland.  I knew it was from a cold, but she insisted, guilting me that otherwise I wasn't taking proper care.  Well, doctor said it was no big deal but somehow ex walked out with a referral to neurology for hallucinations.  I checked with school, daycare and his therapist, none were aware of any hallucinations.  By then I knew better than to allow her to make appointments, meanwhile the appointment was changed to psychiatry.  He had three sessions, there was no diagnosis, well, except for anxiety due to parental conflict.

Then last month during two days in court her lawyer tried to get me to read from the the hospital's notes from the first session, reported hallucinations, etc.  I said that was only the first session and we were specifically told we wouldn't be given a written report.  He kept hammering about those notes and I said he needed to see notes from the third session and referred to them.  He said he didn't have them and why didn't I provide him copies.  I said I'd only just gone to the hospital or records because he filed a motion for continuance referencing these issues, alleging he needed psychological assessment.

I guess what I'm saying is that any small issues get dragged into court and blown all out of proportion to distract from the real issues.

Just an idea, I've greatly reduced my gluten consumption (wheat, etc) and have noticed benefits, my arthritic knees don't hurt much anymore so I probably suffered with inflammatory response.  It's said that reducing or eliminating gluten/wheat can also improve behaviors.  Could you try that for a month or so and see if it helps?

[livednlearned]

I suspect there is some kind of correlation with anxiety/attachment disorders and ADD.

It runs in my family, so perhaps it's genetic -- but attachment scripts run through families too.

My son was dx'd ADD. Do you want your child medicated? If not, you may want to start preparing for that battle. It showed up in my court case big time, and like FD said, these things tend to become overblown in family court (to show you aren't paying attention, don't care, etc.).

I found the diagnostic process in school (about whether to get an IEP or 504) to be extremely complex. There is a clinical diagnosis for ADD and an educational diagnosis. Clinical means a private psychologist does a very long series of tests, usually about 5-8 hours worth, to diagnose. An educational diagnosis has to come from the school, and it's typically only triggered when the child's grades fall below grade level.

After the educational diagnosis, most schools typically have a series of light-touch steps in place, before things get codified as an IEP (if he qualifies) or a 504. Both of those are part of the federal disabilities act, which should mean that your child is not penalized for doing poorly in school because he has a disability. The IEP provides paid support. Meaning, support staff with special training will work with your child, and federal law says your child has the right to it. The 504, while part of the disabilities act, usually only provides accommodations. Like longer time to take tests, taking tests in quiet rooms, using a computer for writing, etc.

Learn as much as you can about how the process works in your child's school. Knowing as much as I did made a huge difference in court. The judge and I ended up having a side conversation about IEPs and 504s, and looking back, he was testing me about my involvement in S12's schooling. Meanwhile, N/BPDx was so caught up in emotional reasoning, he tried to convince the court I had abandoned the process. Which was interesting, since I had just met with the 504 team three weeks before... .

If I had walked into a pediatrician's office and told them about S12's behavior, they would've prescribed meds that day. It's so easy to get the dx. What you may need to show in court is that you understand how the whole system works, and have educated yourself about the dx, what ADD is, who should dx it, whether to medicate or not, etc.

Like everything else, it can get expensive. I hired a private clinician to do the tests because I wanted specifically to know about the psycho-emotional stuff. School psychologists only look at psycho-educational. Huge difference! And it cost me $1500, then insurance covered about $800. Then I took S12 to see a psychiatrist. She felt strongly that kids should not be medicated for educational reasons but for emotional/social reasons. Meaning, if S12 had a poor sense of himself because he couldn't make or keep friends, or if he developed a reputation for being impulsive and dangerous to himself.

Sorry for the barrage of information -- hope it's helpful. Learning about how schools deal with ADHD just about gave me a nervous breakdown. You end up in these meetings with a team of 10 people and it can be really intimidating. And wow, did they ever make a ton of paperwork mistakes. Stay on top of that stuff as much as you can from afar because I guarantee you it will play out in court.

[Nope]

I guess what I'm saying is that any small issues get dragged into court and blown all out of proportion to distract from the real issues.

This is part of what scares me. She drags up tiny little things and makes them as huge as possible and makes them out to be just as much of a big deal as the big deal items we bring up. What this does is make the issues we bring up seem smaller than they are and makes it almost sound like we are just as bad as she is. Example: Thing that is small = the kids forgot a couple of articles of clothing here during their last visit. We packed them up and sent them back as soon as we found them. But the parenting plan says that all items Mother sends out are to be returned with the children. Thing that is big = Two years ago she sent the kids with winter coats that were filthy, stained and had cigarette burns on them. We kept the filthy winter coats for evidence for court and sent them back with brand new coats. But since it was Christmas time when we saw the kids that means they had been walking around in those coats for at least two months. By itself maybe it doesn't rise to the level of neglect. But we have a whole bunch of examples just like this that make up the bulk of our case.

So we have to trust the court to understand that her small complaint that a couple of articles of clothing weren't returned with the kids is not the same as the case we are building due to neglect issues.

Stay on top of that stuff as much as you can from afar because I guarantee you it will play out in court.

We will try. It's going to be difficult because even though she is supposed to tell us what is going on she often doesn't. She should have already been found in contempt for not providing us proper information on things pertaining to the kids, but the court gave her a pass on it. She said she is going to bring S9 in for testing so we'll just have to wait and make sure to ask her (while recording) if she's done so yet. She was supposed to get S9 into therapy over a year ago now and insisted we call the insurance company to get her an out-of-state benefits booklet so that she would know what her options were. We, of course, complied. She, of course, never did anything with it.

At least she did us the favor yesterday in making the decision easier for having her served on Monday. We sent her a letter through our L saying when we would meet her to pick up the kids. She called my fiance yesterday and ripped into him because it's an hour later than the meeting time he knows she wants. Unfortunately, the way the parenting plan was written in the first place she has a three hour drive each way and we have a five and a half hour drive each way. So that hour difference is huge for us in terms of having to be awake and out the door an the crack of dawn. She is really only making a huge deal out of that hour as a control thing. She assumed she could make him miserable by repeating herself over and over and over on the phone until she got what she wanted. She was wrong. He kept telling her he would talk to the L about it. He asked her if she had a new L yet and she said she did but wouldn't give him any information about the L because "We aren't going to court."

So, I guess you could say she doesn't see this coming.

[scraps66]

Interesting the anxiety related behaviors.  Years ago my S9 had "developed" bowel control issues.  This was before separation and when things were particularly toxic.  This would then continue after separation when we lived together for a year - before she decided to go back to work and then kick me out of the house.  :'(  Anyway, I had mentioned and ex's mother had mentioned that S9's response "could" be due to the discord in the house, just maybe.  Ex heard this, made an appointment with the pediatrician and had S9's issues diagnosed as "physical."  Purely physical.  Since this appointment was mad without my knowledge, ExuBPD/NPDw was free to provide her perspective on his issues.  She conveniently left out the fact that, one, ex was consistently arguing and displaying abusive power in front of the kids; ex was consistently abusively questioning Scraps66Dad in front of the kids, things like, "Where are you going to live, why aren't you telling me, huh? Tell me!," then directly to S9, presiding over top of him, yelling, "WHY DID YOU POOP YOUR PANTS, HUH!  WHY DIDN'T YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM?," then there were the constant threats of calling the cops and calling the cops - in front of the kids.  Yes, all of this leads to S9 having a physical problem (insert sarcasm and skepticism here).  That was nearly five years ago, the first week of school Ex had an incident at school, this year, I had enrolled kids in before/after care and Ex didn't like that as she made herself a schedule where she can pick the kids up every day.  I don't like those added transitions.  Well, ex barges into school practically gets into a shoving match with the principal, and retrieves the kids.  The weekend after that week, and S9 told me Ex was talking to him about before/after care, he would echo her words that "it is boring there and I'm not going back," that weekend after, he would have two incidents of messing his pants.  He's 9 now. 

Also through this, for S9's "physical" problem he would be administered a daily dose of Miralax, this would continue for years and consistently Ex would chide me about whether I was giving him his Miralax or not culminating in a recent checkup with the pediatrician (I did not attend) where S9 would say, ":)ad's not giving me the Miralax," this reported to me by Ex. 

Through this as well, Ex would try as best she could to control S9's IEP at school.  It doesn't matter whether her control as beneficial or not - she wouldn't know if it was or wasn't - but it's just a matter of controlling by introducing chaos that no one else can rationally keep up with, keep moving the goal post.  What ex is now doing is claiming that "S9 needs more independence" and is working directly with school to reduce the amount of support S9 gets at school.  This to me is just another form of denial as Ex treats her own behavior, just deny it and force the situations to make it appear that there are no issues.  S9 is not yet ready socially and Ex just won't admit it.  The poor kids, Ex had insisted on an "alternate" evaluation from school as she did not agree with the initial diagnosis of ODD for S9.  So we do that, and the reputable local hospital comes back with - he's mildly autistic, possibly will develop into asberger's.  Not great or better news, but to Ex - she made herself "right" and used the whole process as reinforcement for her view that she knows what's best for S9.

This is also the art of deflection and distraction, if Ex solely concentrates on S9's behavior, her own is not as much under the spotlight.  This is sick behavior to me.  Having a disordered individual of sociopathic proportions in charge of a child's therapeutic care is just a real risk.

I guess FD's rendition struck a nerve with me.  I don't know how to control this stuff because it's a constant battle or trying to predict that absolutely irrational movements of a PDed individual.  My timeline, you can see that these at times unaddressed issues can linger for years! and have lasting, bad impacts on the children.  At the onset, do anything and everything to limit the ability of the uBPDex to have this element of control if possible.     

[Nope]

Welp, we filed. We got really lucky and didn't get the same magistrate (the one who decided that she wasn't guilty of contempt which forced us to win that battle on appeal). Also, the pre-trial hearing is happening the day before we are to meet up with her to pick the kids up for Christmas break. This is a very good thing, as she didn't agree to the terms of the exchanges and we are trying, through our lawyer to come up with a solution to that. If she drags it out, we can bring the whole thing up in front of the magistrate and it'll get figured out then for sure, and probably in our favor since she's being unreasonable. This also ensures that she can't keep us from getting the kids for Christmas as it is in the Parenting Plan that we get them this year and she would have to explain why directly to the magistrate if she tried to pull anything.

We sent a process server to take care of it so she is probably being served, oh... .about... .now.

[livednlearned]

Welp, we filed. We got really lucky and didn't get the same magistrate (the one who decided that she wasn't guilty of contempt which forced us to win that battle on appeal). Also, the pre-trial hearing is happening the day before we are to meet up with her to pick the kids up for Christmas break. This is a very good thing, as she didn't agree to the terms of the exchanges and we are trying, through our lawyer to come up with a solution to that. If she drags it out, we can bring the whole thing up in front of the magistrate and it'll get figured out then for sure, and probably in our favor since she's being unreasonable. This also ensures that she can't keep us from getting the kids for Christmas as it is in the Parenting Plan that we get them this year and she would have to explain why directly to the magistrate if she tried to pull anything.

We sent a process server to take care of it so she is probably being served, oh... .about... .now.

Great news about the new magistrate. The more time I spend on this site, the more I think it's ALL about the judge. Everything else is just getting your house in order.

[Nope]

Great news about the new magistrate. The more time I spend on this site, the more I think it's ALL about the judge. Everything else is just getting your house in order.

Yeah. The first magistrate bent way over backwards to find in her favor. Even went as far as to coach her from the bench. Our big hope if we got the same guy was that maybe if he saw enough he would get sick of her.

I'm finding that everything comes down to the judge and any independent factors (like custody evaluators). But it also comes down to preperation. Anything we can't prove never happened. Anything BPD mom says did happen unless we can prove it didn't.

My fiance was shocked she didn't try to call and scream at him last night. I knew she wouldn't. She will sit down and go through everything constructing her lies and excuses. Then she will do that thing that BPDs do and turn those lies into her truths. Our final step will be shining a light on all of those lies and letting the chips fall where they may.

[DreamGirl]

My fiance was shocked she didn't try to call and scream at him last night.

It might still be coming.

She will sit down and go through everything constructing her lies and excuses. Then she will do that thing that BPDs do and turn those lies into her truths. Our final step will be shining a light on all of those lies and letting the chips fall where they may.

That thing BPDs do.

Just to douse a little knowledge into this and to keep our own emotions in check. Constructing lies and making it into truth isn't necessarily a BPD trait. Even though it may feel that way. I've been told a time or two by the pwBPD in my life of just how wrong my perception is of what's true and what's not true.

The sky is blue. I know it. Just like I know my husband is a really good dad even when she's saying that he's not.

I'm not defending the mama to your stepkids, no more then I'm defending mine, but it helps to keep a logic based perspective. BPD is a mood regulation disorder rooted in a fear of abandonment. So your contempt charges and wanting to change the custody is going to invoke some BPD coping skills.  A BPD trait is that they experience emotions in such a hyper-vigilant way that reality does become somewhat of a blur. Ever been so angry, you couldn't see straight? So when she's dysregulated, logic and reason become something that is not attainable.

So expect that there is going to be some push back, also known as WWIII, and that it's probably going to be based mostly on emotion - not logic and facts. In essence, with the filing, you are saying that she does not have the skills to be the primary custodial parent and a good co-parent. It's probably a pretty true statement, but it's not something she's able to objectively take a look at. She will hear "You are a bad mother and Dad can do a better job". She's going to take it personally and react personally because that's what emotionally driven people do.

I think you've taken the right stance in knowing that she's going to probably come back with a lot of non-pertinent information. One by one you have to be prepared to defend yourself. Doing what you feel needs to be done and letting go of the outcome is also a really good game plan. It will be your best ally in this when things get tough.

I've been in your shoes, and it was a really hard place to be. The outcome was not 100% what my husband wanted, but it was definitely an acceptable one.  

I also hope that you'll be able to have a peaceful Christmas.  

[Nope]

Dreamgirl you are right. That is a generalization and I shouldn't apply it to the BPD in everyone's life. People with BPD are still unique people. But in my case it's more than just her emotional facts. She really does make up lies and then scream them at my fiance like they have any at all basis in reality.

Example: She didn't get S9 haircuts. Every time we get the kids S9's hair is down over the tops of his ears and his head looks huge in comparison with his body. The first time I ever saw a picture of him it was when he was visiting with his daddy but he hadn't had a haircut yet and I distinctly remember thinking how unfortunate it was that an otherwise cute kid had such an over sized head. Which he doesn't, he just desperately needed a haircut. So we get the poor kid a haircut every time we see him, which is usually maybe once every four months.Even in school pictures his hair always looked awful. At no point has BPD mom ever said anything about us getting it cut. (And she wastes no opportunity to get on my fiance about anything he does that she doesn't like.) So the first time we served her with a custody filing. One of the things we mentioned about neglect issues was that the poor kid never has a hair cut. Months after the filing, shortly before court, she calls up my fiance and screams at him that the reason S9 never had a haircut was because she was growing it out for a faux hawk.

So, maybe it comes down the to the question; did she actually talk herself into believing that she was trying to grow it out because the alternative is facing that she was neglectful, or is she just lying because it doesn't matter to her that she was neglectful so long as she doesn't lose control of her son? (It should be noted that S9 is the "all bad" child.)

Of course, there are many other examples of her essentially re-writing history so that something she did, or has decided to do now, isn't wrong.

I just want to say though, I do feel bad for her tonight. I can't help it. Her thinking is so divorced from reality that she had no clue why these filings are happening to her. And there is no way to get through to her so that she will. After getting served she sent my fiance a text message saying, "It's funny how you keep back stabbing me and dragging me into court for your own selfish needs." Back stabbing? Selfish needs? Really?