A difficult situation

[Schatzi]

My 24 yr old daughter has BPD with 2 girls, 4 yrs old & 15 mos old. She got married Apr 2012 & she left her husband in late June of this year. The last few weeks we've noticed that she's been distancing herself from the girls too. The girls stay with her husband (who's the oldest girls stepdad, but he loves her like his own) & she visits the girls while he stays at his brothers or cousins for a few days. She was seeing the girls every 4 to 5 days, but it's almost been 2 weeks this time.

I started reading the book by Shari Manning, "How to Love Someone with BPD" & I'm only on chapter 3. I want to confront my daughter since my 4 yr old granddaughter is saying she misses her Mommy & she pees in her pants sometimes. We all agree that my granddaughter needs to see a play therapist. I told my granddaughter that she can call her Mommy, but she said she wanted to see her Mommy.

Anyway, my daughter keeps saying that the reason she's not seeing the girls is since she doesn't have enough money for gas (since her boyfriend lives about 50 min away & that's where she's staying), but she posted on Facebook that she went to the loop which means she had gas money to go there, but not to see the girls. I offered her $10 for gas if that's the only thing stopping her from seeing the girls & I told her that her daughter misses her. She acted like she was thankful because she says she misses the girls so much, but she stood the girls up 2 days in a row. Shouldn't I confront her about this? I'm going to the theatre with her this Sun since I got free tickets for the philharmonic. I thought maybe I could ask her some questions then to get her thinking. She's not seeing a therapist since she doesn't think she has BPD. Any advice? Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Schatzi, I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you're facing with your daughter, but I'm glad you've found the community here and I want to offer you a warm welcome. 

If you don't mind me asking, you say that your daughter doesn't think she has BPD. Has she been formally diagnosed and how long ago was that? Were there other issues that led you to researching BPD?

Many people with BPD are very impulsive as well as highly sensitive emotionally. It can sometimes be difficult to communicate effectively with them due to this. Here is a link to some communication tools that might help you with interactions with your daughter: Communication tools: SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN. They're not a magic bullet, but these tools can help make for more effective communications with all people, not just people with BPD.

When somebody in the family has BPD it can become an issue for everybody. I hope that you can find the best way to help both your daughter and your grandkids too. 

[Hazelrah]

Hello Schatzi,

Like learning curve, I'd also like to offer a warm welcome to you.  It sounds like your daughter's behavior is causing a lot of anguish for you and your family, and I'm sorry to hear that you've had to experience this.  Watching a child struggle is surely hard for any parent, and the fact you're here is a good first step towards possible healing.  There are a lot of members on this board who gave gone through similar situations, so I think you'll find this to be a helpful place as you try to find answers moving forward.

If there is anything you need, such as help finding resources, connecting with the appropriate members, please let us know.  We are here to help, and we hope you continue to post and share more of your story with us.  Things can get better! 

[peaceplease]

Schatzi,

.  I would like to join learning curve and Hazelrah in welcoming you.  I am sorry for your problems with your daughter and her distancing from her children.

I can understand the heartache of seeing your grandchildren suffer.  My daughter, age 29 with suspect BPD, has a 6 year old son.  He had some separation from his mother when she was at rehab or jail a few times.  It really tugs at your heart when they are crying for their mom.

I am curious like learning curve about your dd, if she was formally diagnosed and in denial.  Or, is it that you suspect BPD, from her meeting the criteria of the traits?

I recommend that you read this article:  Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment

I would like to invite you to join us on the parents board when you are ready.  Here is the link to the board:  Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board


peaceplease