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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: OH, plz help: question on post breakup attempts to re-engage  (Read 1001 times)
monqui

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 19


« on: November 18, 2013, 10:21:19 PM »

So, just when you think you've got some healing and distance in, your BPDex contacts you about potentially moving back to the city you live in (where they did not live very long) and as well requests to take a family member of yours (that they don't really know) to an event in the location they're currently in. I realize this is part of regular break up behavior- grasping at things to keep you connected to the one you love- and I cop to having been tempted engage in it myself during this very difficult break up as I do love and miss my ex very much, but I'd like to know if there's a term for this in BPD parlance (i think i've seen mentions here) so I can better understand how to best respond.

Again, thanks to all who participate on this very helpful board. Also wondering if one on one chat capabilities might be helpful on this board. So that we can remain somewhat more anonymous when explaining details on some issues that you can share w/someone you build trust with on here or whose opinion you value- and not expose you to having the info live on the internet. I do have some trepidation if I tell too much my ex might stumble on to it, and I'd prefer that not to happen.
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fromheeltoheal
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2013, 10:35:43 PM »

I had some concerns early too and tried to not say anything too specific, and all the stories here do sound very similar, so I was trying to get lost in the mix.  But then I thought I didn't even know BPD existed until after the relationship ended, and we certainly never talked about it, so how would she even know to come here?  And even if she did, would she sift through thousands of anonymous posts to see if anything sounded familiar?  Not likely.  But I no longer care.

Anyway, the term is recycling.  The push/pull nature of the disorder causes a borderline to feel abandoned and miss you, so they try and reestablish the relationship, just to repeat the same crap all over again.  We all feel that way to an extent though, you mentioned you were tempted, a borderline just feels everything more intensely.

If your relationship was anything like mine, you were abused verbally, psychologically, physically, emotionally, you name it, and subjected to rages, constant complaining and belittling.  And your needs were irrelevant, to both of you after a while.  :)o you want that in your life?  Are those components of a healthy relationship?  :)o you want to be with him/her?  If the answers are no, it's time to set very firm boundaries around what you will and will not accept, while looking deeply at why you got in so deep with that pathology.  It can be a challenging road, but a fruitful one, and the growth can be profound.  
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Surnia
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 8 y married, divorced since 2012-11-22
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« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2013, 01:31:17 AM »

Hi monqui

Yes, often when things go better with leaving and detaching there is a attempt to contact again, many members here went through similar things. 

Its important that you know for yourself what do you want. Sometimes it helps to acknowledge that you miss and love your ex, and that it not means necessarily that you want be in a rs again, with all the drama and mood swings and breakups.

About the fear to be found on the boards I can only underline FHtHs words.
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“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  Brené Brown
Ironmanrises
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774


« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2013, 01:57:13 PM »

I do have some trepidation if I tell too much my ex might stumble on to it, and I'd prefer that not to happen.

I have had the same fear as well, since my ex has shown stalker behavior dating back to friendship. I can only say unless your ex or mine for that matter strings together some very exact phrases, that is really only way to tell. Since I have closed my social media after discard of round 2, I have a feeling mine is searching for me online too. It would be consistent with her previous behavior. So I can understand your position too.
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Iwalk-Heruns
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 261


« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2013, 02:30:32 PM »

So, just when you think you've got some healing and distance in, your BPDex contacts you about potentially moving back to the city you live in (where they did not live very long) and as well requests to take a family member of yours (that they don't really know) to an event in the location they're currently in. I realize this is part of regular break up behavior- grasping at things to keep you connected to the one you love- and I cop to having been tempted engage in it myself during this very difficult break up as I do love and miss my ex very much, but I'd like to know if there's a term for this in BPD parlance (i think i've seen mentions here) so I can better understand how to best respond.

Again, thanks to all who participate on this very helpful board. Also wondering if one on one chat capabilities might be helpful on this board. So that we can remain somewhat more anonymous when explaining details on some issues that you can share w/someone you build trust with on here or whose opinion you value- and not expose you to having the info live on the internet. I do have some trepidation if I tell too much my ex might stumble on to it, and I'd prefer that not to happen.

Just keep reminding yourself this was not a normal break up so the rules of engagement have to be different. The trap is they will act normal and loving for a while and be everything you dream about and miss and once you are hooked back in the shoe will drop and you will be right back in the pain if not more so the next time around.

It's tough but hang tight. I have actually come to the point where I actually don't even miss him and it kind of makes me sick to think about all he has done. I hope it sticks and even if I have some temporary setbacks it's a sure sign to me I am healing and detaching. It just takes time. There was a day I could not have imagined ever feeling this way.

It has really helped that I have found something to immerse myself into. I am trying to start a business. It is my new obsession so to speak. I keep picturing what I want my look to look like. And it doesn't include someone who my life would be hell with. Short term pain longterm gain!
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fromheeltoheal
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #5 on: November 19, 2013, 02:40:30 PM »

It's tough but hang tight. I have actually come to the point where I actually don't even miss him and it kind of makes me sick to think about all he has done. I hope it sticks and even if I have some temporary setbacks it's a sure sign to me I am healing and detaching. It just takes time. There was a day I could not have imagined ever feeling this way.

It has really helped that I have found something to immerse myself into. I am trying to start a business. It is my new obsession so to speak. I keep picturing what I want my look to look like. And it doesn't include someone who my life would be hell with. Short term pain longterm gain!

Good for you!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Iwalk-Heruns
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Posts: 261


« Reply #6 on: November 19, 2013, 03:39:48 PM »

Thanks heeltoheal! 2 years after finding this site but I guess better late than never.
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monqui

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 19


« Reply #7 on: November 20, 2013, 12:37:12 AM »

Thanks to all of you so much for your feedback. I'm in many ways "Iwalk-heruns" there with you as at my core I know I will never work out intimately with someone with these tendencies, so in some ways, as soon as they were apparent to me I knew it was in no way going to work any longer, yet everything with this breakup is so complex and like nothing I've ever experienced in my life. And I guess the main thing is I miss her as a friend as we did have a very strong bond and although there were issues, she was not displaying these traits at all times during the relationship- mainly just intermittent moodiness until the final kaboom- & boy was it a kaboom. The friendship is what I really mourn. I'm guessing these traits are reigned in towards friends for many high functioning BPD people.
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