Dealing with my pwBPD's Spanish Inquisition - tips?

[HopefulDad]

How many of you deal with "the interrogation", the non-stop series of questions calling your judgment into question which eventually devolves into a rage should you not answer "correctly"?  Most of my conflicts with my BPDw start off like this.  The questions start off benignly enough as genuine questions, but then as they keep coming they become leading questions as if I was under cross-examination in court.  Then the questions change into judgmental statements with a "Am I right?" at the end for effect.  I joke to myself that she's The Grand Inquisitor on a crusade to change everyone's minds to think and believe like her.

In general, there is nothing wrong with asking your spouse questions (at least the benign ones) so I'm struggling to deal with this.  I don't want to misjudge her intent when she starts asking things, but sometimes I just sense that she's in a bad mood or looking to start a fight and thus I don't want to engage from the get-go, but then I come across as the jerk who doesn't want to answer his wife's genuine curiosity.  I guess detecting the "point of no return" where the questions changed from asking to judging is what I'm trying to consistently identify and deal with.  Anyone have success stories on dealing with this?

On a lighter note, I think of these whenever my wife starts in with the interrogation to keep me sane: 

The Inquisition... .what a show!

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition!

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[shatra]

Hi

I feel upset and frustrated over this too. I find the questions intrusive and annoying. I wonder if validation would be useful---"I understand you feel x or y, and that you have a lot of questions."  Or set a limit--- "These are a lot of questions. I wonder if we can set a limit on them?"

SHatra

[HopefulDad]

One of the rules here is to stop JADEing, but it's difficult to do when you are being asked direct questions.  And even once the questions have turned into judgments and statements, by then even if you stop JADEing, it's often too late as you've already been JADEing (or JDEing) in response to the questions.

[Wrongturn1]

HD: Ah yes, the Interrogation.  I have been there many times and have not found the magic bullet.  However, I’m an experimenter by nature, and here’s what I plan to say the next time the conversation crosses the line from genuine curiosity to judgmental, abusive questioning:

“I can tell this topic is an important one for you, and you are important to me, so I want us to be able to discuss the things that we find important. At the same time, this conversation has started heading in a direction that is making me feel attacked and blamed, which hurts me. If the conversation continues this way, I will need to take a timeout until things are calmer, but I am hoping that we can continue speaking in good faith as two people who care about each other.”

Then if she persists with the Interrogation, I will quickly say “I’m taking a timeout now – we can discuss this again in about an hour” before making my exit.

[HopefulDad]

I've done that, but by then I usually get something like "We don't need to talk any further.  Based on the answers you've given me, I already know that you're [selfish, inconsiderate, uncaring, blah blah blah]."  And then I'll offer something like, "If you want to talk about this further, I'm open," at which point I'm not taken up on the offer and given the silent treatment for the rest of the day, if not longer.

[waverider]

Am I right?=DEMAND>:)ISENGAGE

Angry response to this=ABUSE>LEAVE by enacting boundary consequence

Validation only gets you so far, it can't be open ended. You need to take back control of when the discussion is terminated, allowing her to do this via silent treatment is leaving you feeling disempowered

[allibaba]

Hi HopefulDad,

What your doing is actually a really good approach!  Eventually if you enforce your boundaries she'll realize that the INQUISITION doesn't get her what she is looking for and she'll stop doing it (honest).

DEMANDS ---> DISENGAGING

ABUSE ---> BOUNDARIES



Its frustrating but sometimes radical acceptance is required in these situations.

[allibaba]

Ha ha JINX waverider.  I stole that from you anyway. 

[Wrongturn1]

I've done that, but by then I usually get something like "We don't need to talk any further.  Based on the answers you've given me, I already know that you're [selfish, inconsiderate, uncaring, blah blah blah]."  And then I'll offer something like, "If you want to talk about this further, I'm open," at which point I'm not taken up on the offer and given the silent treatment for the rest of the day, if not longer.

HD: Well, that's not a surprising outcome I suppose.  Still frustrating though.  I'll try to remember to let you know how it goes when I try it at my house.

[allibaba]

I've done that, but by then I usually get something like "We don't need to talk any further.  Based on the answers you've given me, I already know that you're [selfish, inconsiderate, uncaring, blah blah blah]."  And then I'll offer something like, "If you want to talk about this further, I'm open," at which point I'm not taken up on the offer and given the silent treatment for the rest of the day, if not longer.

HD: Well, that's not a surprising outcome I suppose.  Still frustrating though.  I'll try to remember to let you know how it goes when I try it at my house.

In my experience... .if you just keep doing right even when its rejected... .eventually they get the point that what they are doing isn't working.

I embrace the silent treatment.  Its time for me to take a few moments for myself and its also an opportunity to experience his own pain and work on soothing himself.

[waverider]

I embrace the silent treatment.  Its time for me to take a few moments for myself and its also an opportunity to experience his own pain and work on soothing himself.

Ditto, can't complain about you doing your own stuff and abandoning them if they are not talking to you. My partner soon learned that not talking resulted in spending a lot of time alone which was the worst of two evils. So she never does this anymore.

[Grey Kitty]

Ya know... .when I think about the silent treatment... .and when I used to get it... .

When I was tiptoeing around, trying to be kind and loving, while she was rejecting everything I do, it "worked for her." She got to push her negative crap onto me, and didn't have to deal with it.

When I started enjoying being alone, it stopped "working for her" and happened less.