5 months NC. procrastinating final steps

[tnbh]

Hey yall. I've had NC with my BPD wife for 5 months. I feel I'm dragging out the last steps needed to end this. I'm ashamed my marriage ended so quickly(6months). I'm confused about our whole relationship of some 6 years off and on. I KNOW we'll never have a normal,healthy or honest RS so I know it has to end.

I walked out after bouts of her raging and being physically abusive. I had to leave with only the clothes on my back. I dread facing her to collect my stuff.

I can honestly say I loved her and treated her very well.

Why does HER illness have me avoiding and dreadful of taking steps that would be obvious in any other RS?

Had I been abusive or an alcoholic I could understand feeling guilt. Maybe it's some dark mind games they play to make the non feel as if THEY have the problem.

Thanks for this great website. I've learned more here in a month than 6 years

of being in the trenches.

[Clearmind]

Sounds like you left for some very valid reasons tnbh - her behaviour is not your fault and nor should you be subjected to it.

I for one suffered from compassion fatigue and saviour complex. Saving my ex provided me with value - because I had low self worth - If my worth was high on my list of priorities I would never have chosen him I would have chosen me.

There is no such thing as a 'non' - we all have our own issues to contend with - in time you will find your reasons for why dating a Borderline provided you with value. Build your self worth and you would never dream of putting yourself back in that dark place.

Also I will add my parents related much like my ex and I did - I believe I learnt my skills from my parents and he learnt his from his own. Two souls who needed healing independent of one another - instead we joined forces and being co-dependent it all ended in fire-works - as expected.

You can never build a healthy relationship from shaky foundations. Nor can you build a friendship from shaky foundations - especially when both parties need to heal from their own wounds.

[tnbh]

I think you're dead on clearmind. We both had our issues and needed our own healing. Mine took a back seat as I learned how much time and energy I had to invest in trying to keep things level.

She once asked if I thought I was codependent. Of course I said no as I didn't want to be that person. Looking back though I totally was that person. I lost my true self and became a man who strived to keep her happy. Jumping through hoops became a part of life.

How could I let myself be taken in and made a fool of this way.

Thanks for your reply.

[Lucky Jim]

I lost my true self and became a man who strived to keep her happy. Jumping through hoops became a part of life.

Well said, tnbh.  For many of us, that describes the dynamic in a marriage to a pwBPD.  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, all of which is quite familiar, and admire your resolve.  Be grateful that your marriage was short (6 months) whereas many of us suffered much longer in hellish marriages (16 years for me).  You seem to be on the right path, though I know it's a difficult journey.

Lucky Jim