My uBPDgf and I have been living separately and I have been giving her some financial support while she gets back on her feet. I transfer her money every Friday, and I'm pretty sure she spends it on weed, or at least it allows her to spend other money on weed. (I know, same difference.) She is about to start therapy, and I didn't want to rock the boat and possibly derail her recovery. It is an issue I am trying to work through with a therapist currently. I have always implied that the financial help will stop if she uses alcohol or any harder drugs, as they really mess her up. She is very aware of my stance. She also knows another boundary of mine is if she puts her self in a dangerous situation, and leaves me with no way to contact her and just worry all day, that I will have to do something drastic as I can't handle the stress it puts on me. I have never defined this boundary in terms of how I will respond, but I believe she knows it is a break, or possibly worse, because I have always said I can not handle another night of worrying about if she is safe or not. She has always acknowledged that it is a huge issue, and says she understands.
Yesterday was her second day on abilify. Before she even started taking it, I told her if she thinks there is any chance of her drinking on it that she should not start the med without discussing it with the prescribing doctor first. She does not know when to stop drinking, so the mix could be extremely dangerous. We argued some yesterday over Skype, but when I let her go she was no longer dysregulated. She was alone at a friends house and she mentioned how they had a few bottles of wine there. I told her how unwise of a decision I thought it would be to mix the two, and she promised me she would not drink. She seemed to be in a big hurry to go back to her place, so I let her go. I'm always the one that actually hangs up, but I did not this time. I heard her uncork the bottle and what sounded like her drinking two glasses over the next few minutes. She left, and was driving herself home. She lives maybe two minutes away, and the roads are some of the emptiest around, but it is still terrifying to me.
She does not have a phone at her place yet, and it's been 12 hours. She told me she would call me before 2:30, which is seven and a half hours from now. I have been worried sick, I hate this feeling so much. It's the worst feeling in the world that I have experienced. I am imagining the worst. She is a six hour drive away and the only person in that area who's number I have hasn't answered.
I do not know what to do when we talk next. I know how important it is to stick to boundaries. I know boundaries are for myself, but I believe it is also important that she sees I am firm about them. But so far she doesn't know that I know. Also I know it doesn't matter much, but she had no idea that she would worry me. I told myself if something like this happened I need to take a 7 day NC break. Also if she drank I would cut her off financially. This just truly feels like it would be overwhelming for her. I feel it would be dangerous for her to handle all the following at once:
- She has been dysregulating a lot more often then normal lately, and it's creating a lot of issues in our r/s, so she's been more volatile.
- She just started a new med, and the side effects have affected her mood.
- I would be withholding money the day she is expecting it.
- The 7 day break alone would be hard enough, but we planned for her to come down for thanksgiving.
- The day after a night of drinking always affects her mood negatively.
- The fact I "spied" on her I'd imagine will be a huge trigger. It would be so easy for her to shift the blame, which just adds to everything.
I don't know what to do... .I feel so sick... .Please anyone give any insight... .Thank you.
