feeling alone

[Angelnme]

Tonight I went to dinner with my friend. She knows my bf is a BP but doesn't truly understand what it's like to live with him. She made me feel pathetic for staying in an abusive relationship. She made me feel like I'm not strong. She kept saying that I'm saying I can't leave, I NEVER say the words "I can't". She made me feel guilty for venting about a recent episode. I left dinner feeling like I shouldn't talk about the abuse, that I'm a victim in a severely abusive relationship and that if I don't leave him I have no room to talk. I was unable to convey to her that staying is a CHOICE. That no, it's NOT okay to be called the C word on a regular basis but I've learned not to take it personally.

I'm actually a very strong, intelligent woman and I'm very well aware of my situation. But I walked away from a friend feeling like my friends don't want to hear it anymore, that I need to choose: either leave him or dont talk about him. If not to my friends then to whom? This talk left me in tears (after I left). Im not an argumentative person (so yes his PBD is my personal hell) so I tried to respect her perspective but it just sounded like she was telling me that im the one who is messed up. I heard the words "you need to" and "you should" a lot, even suggesting that being homeless would be better. I felt very judged by one of the people I trusted to accept me as I am.

Perhaps I'm venting. Perhaps she's not really a good friend after all. Perhaps she's right. All I know is im deeply hurt and feeling extremely alone and afraid to reach out to any of my friends again.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Angelnme]

Let me add, I'm also extremely positive 99% of the time. I always try to see the bright side and I constantly make an effort to make people smile because it brings me joy that I dont get in my relationship. Im very well aware that I could potentially be happier with someone else. But I also believe in a few mottos, like live and let live, and you dont have to agree with others but its important to respect them. I guess I expected that from my friend.

[Border_Lover]

I'm very sorry to hear about the difficult time you had talking with your friend. It must have been very frustrating to have not been able to convey to her that you are making a choice to stay. It's like you said, she doesn't understand the situation, and without really understanding, she can not give informed advice. You know you are strong, and it's unfortunate that your friend made you feel like you aren't, however just as your bf has his faults, so does your friend. You said you have learned to not take what your bf says personally, and I believe you should apply that same attitude towards your friend in this situation. People do the best with what they have, and I'd imagine your friend was just doing what she thought was best to "help" you. Does that mean she was right? That is up to you to decide, but it doesn't sound like you believe that.

It can be very difficult to be in a r/s with a pwBPD, and this is especially true when the support people in your life don't understand the situation, and/or are judging. I avoid talking with my friends and family too much about my r/s because they can not possibly understand the complexity of it. It took me three years to begin to understand it myself! Do you have a therapist you see? I have recently started talking with one and it has helped me immensely. If money is an issue there are places that have interns you can see free of charge. I would recommend seeing one if only to vent to them, as it can be a huge relief just getting stuff out.

Take care.

[pecia]

Angelnme, I am sorry that you are not getting the support from your friends that you need. I have pretty much stopped talking to my friends about my BPDh. I recognize they just want what is best for me and cannot fathom how staying in this relationship is good for me. Staying in this relationship is a personal choice and it takes a strong person. It isn't for everyone- just like parenthood or raising special needs children, or any variety of jobs. Once I saw it that way- I resented people's negative opinions less. A few of my good friends have just stopped giving their opinions about him and just support me. Many times I have heard in the past - leave him or stop whining about it- which is not helpful. We are here for you. Vent to us. We have all been there. <hugs> - pecia

[SweetCharlotte]

Even without a pwBPD in the mix, if you air grievances about your partner frequently with a friend, family member or co-worker, eventually the person will begin suggesting and then urging you to leave. Think of it from their perspective: they get together with you to share good times and hoping that you will strengthen each other. They don't wish to feel like you are unloading your troubles on them. There is a fine line between the willingness to let a friend sound off about something negative and the impatience that arises from hearing complaints about the same cause that never goes away.

Only a trained professional (therapist, clergy, etc.) or specialized support group is equipped to hear a steady stream of grievances of the kind that springs from a relationship with a pwBPD. You could probably find a Co-Dependents Anonymous group that meets in your area if you would like to make friends "in real life" who get what you are undergoing and who will not judge or persuade. There may be other support groups that could be appropriate for you as well, depending on the kinds of behaviors to which you are subjected. Co-Dependents Anonymous covers a wide spectrum.