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Author Topic: She wants to be completely independent from people  (Read 5296 times)
Nicco
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« Reply #60 on: December 10, 2013, 01:44:57 PM »

Thanks for support.

I passed through some really bad days but i don't stop focus on my healing pattern for this... .some days are just worst and i fell overwhelmed by my feelings and sensation but thanks god it's not like that the most part of my days... .

@LaSuede

It's hard to stop to think at "what could have been... ." evething looked and felt so real... .and powerful... .guess it's been,at least for me.

I have no therapist and not looking for one... .i don't feel in need... .i have many friends to have fun with and my family is a big support too... .and my life should keep me busy enough since i'm making the final steps to get my university degree while i'm working too.

I'll keep your advices in mind,thanks Smiling (click to insert in post)

I blocked her everywhere,i just desire to accept some things and move on this situation.
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LaSuede
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« Reply #61 on: December 10, 2013, 03:38:43 PM »

Yes, it's very hard.

Then slowly more and more days come when you, at least I, start to see what there was - or is now.

And you will not want any of it.

I am pretty sure... .

Good you have strategies making you feel good.
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Nicco
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« Reply #62 on: December 11, 2013, 09:08:15 AM »

Yes, it's very hard.

Then slowly more and more days come when you, at least I, start to see what there was - or is now.

And you will not want any of it.

I am pretty sure... .

Good you have strategies making you feel good.

There's something make me worried about.

Wherever i go,whatever i do,whoever i see... .i noticed that after this relationship i continue to compare my friends (ALL of them,the closest too) and always find them lack of something... .i know it's wrong (it MUST be wrong) but in my mind i still think at her like an amazing person who has no equal in the world... .talking about her "good" qualities of course... .in despite of all her issues and her disorder,i still find her a more interesting,entertaining,charming person than everyone else... .i still find her soul the only true mirror of mine and the one i would keep closest to me.

Someone else experienced the same?
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Turkish
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« Reply #63 on: December 11, 2013, 10:34:28 AM »

.in despite of all her issues and her disorder,i still find her a more interesting,entertaining,charming person than everyone else... .i still find her soul the only true mirror of mine and the one i would keep closest to me.

Someone else experienced the same?

Mine mirrored the dutiful mother and responsible parent, for me, her family, and her culture (very family oriented). In her double life, however, she mirrors whom she hangs with, a 32 year old woman hanging out with partiers and now a college-bf. I found stuff she wrote to him... .very similar to what she started writing to me in the beginning.

What I conclude from this: she is FAKE.

Her identity is whatever she projects to attach to (romantically or otherwise). That is because her identity is fractured, the coping mechanism for a person who isn't whole. I may be more shy in one situation, or more serious, or funnier in another, but I am the same person all of the time.

A mirror shows us a few things... .it shows us who we are, but it also shows us who we are not.
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Nicco
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« Reply #64 on: December 16, 2013, 10:30:45 AM »

She wants you to feel guilty with asking "do you hate me?". As soon as you feel guilty, that reopened the door further for her to renter your world. That is what she wants. And as soon as that happens, the countdown starts to the day she gets triggered again, and starts to re devalue you once more in a similar fashion as first time. Mine guilt tripped me successfully into me letting her back in for round 2 when she asked "Just answer this one question, do you miss me Ironmanfalls?"  As soon as I answered her "Yes", I betrayed myself and the countdown started to the very day when she got triggered again. No difference. Now I am here. Broken.

Make me feel guilty?For which purpose?... .it's her who left me.

Anyway i let her live with this doubt... .even cause i'm pretty sure she doesn't care at all.
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Nicco
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« Reply #65 on: December 16, 2013, 10:34:52 AM »

.in despite of all her issues and her disorder,i still find her a more interesting,entertaining,charming person than everyone else... .i still find her soul the only true mirror of mine and the one i would keep closest to me.

Someone else experienced the same?

Mine mirrored the dutiful mother and responsible parent, for me, her family, and her culture (very family oriented). In her double life, however, she mirrors whom she hangs with, a 32 year old woman hanging out with partiers and now a college-bf. I found stuff she wrote to him... .very similar to what she started writing to me in the beginning.

What I conclude from this: she is FAKE.

Her identity is whatever she projects to attach to (romantically or otherwise). That is because her identity is fractured, the coping mechanism for a person who isn't whole. I may be more shy in one situation, or more serious, or funnier in another, but I am the same person all of the time.

A mirror shows us a few things... .it shows us who we are, but it also shows us who we are not.

Don't know.

Need to think about it... .but her "soul"... .what is amazing in her... .is "original"... .is not a reflection of someone else... .at least,is what i believe and what i saw.
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #66 on: December 16, 2013, 11:07:40 AM »

Yes, she left you, but has to make it seem like you left her so she reverse guilt trips you.
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Nicco
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« Reply #67 on: December 16, 2013, 11:13:13 AM »

Yes, she left you, but has to make it seem like you left her so she reverse guilt trips you.

i really don't get this,sorry :S

I have another theory too... .she always painted herself like "the one always misunderstood fighting alone against the entire world" and stuff like that... .maybe she just needs to reinforce this thought... .like "you see?i'm right,everyone hate me,i'm alone like always"... .like if she would need to feel like a martyr to go on more easily.
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #68 on: December 16, 2013, 11:16:27 AM »

In her mind, in order for her not to paint herself black, she has to paint you black. It can't be her fault, so it must be your fault. Even though she left you, she has to reverse it so the blame isn't on her. Get it?
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Nicco
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« Reply #69 on: December 16, 2013, 11:29:57 AM »

In her mind, in order for her not to paint herself black, she has to paint you black. It can't be her fault, so it must be your fault. Even though she left you, she has to reverse it so the blame isn't on her. Get it?

I understood the mechanism but i still don't understand why knowing i hate her (absolutely not true) should make her feels "better"... .maybe thinking that i hate her helps her to feel a less painful loss... .really don't know.

Plus,during the devaluation she blamed me about everything i done (and NOT done),true,but in the end she told me that if our relationship failed is not completely my fault and she knows that.

And you know what,hear from her such a rational speech about us,our relationship,our mistakes etc etc hurts me a lot cause i always think that maybe her BPD isn't so strong and that maybe there was a way to handle it.



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LaSuede
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« Reply #70 on: December 16, 2013, 03:25:11 PM »

I know Nicco, my ex have had really reasonable periods - which has made the "process" longer and the falls higher, in a sense. Now he is sicker than ever. Luckily, his parents (finally) are there more for him and I really hope he will find his way.

Anyhow, to answer to your thoughts.

I believe it's not about her "feeling better by knowing you hate her".

It's about in what emotional position she feels most comfortable.

I think, it might be wrong, her comfort-zone is:

To be "hated" (she hates herself).

To be missunderstood (she does not know who she is really or feels what is herself).

To say you abandon her (cause this is what she feels will happen).

To abandon your relationship (because of this fear).

It's nothing that deeply make her feel good - especially not in a longterm perspective.

But it's a pattern so deeply though, that it's the "place to be" which makes her more comfortable.

Feelings to a BPD becomes the truth.

A feeling is always true as a feeling, but it might not be the reality.

That we know.

To a pwBPD what she feels becomes the reality.

If her feelings change, which they probably do, it changes the reality.

To use my ex as an example - he could feel and therefore understand the worst thing ever was to hit a child.

Then he could meet someone that very quickly convinced him at a bar or elsewhere (a person he did not even know) - that it's ok to hit. So it becomes in a very short instance ok from my ex point of view, too.

This because he has not a real sense of self. What does he belive really... ?

Also if he feels destroyed because his brother violated him as a child - child abuse becomes an absolute no-no.

He feels that (and he knows it's not also in rational way).

But if he is angry with our kid he would argue about the accurance in punishing him,

no matter how young or old or vulnerable our kid would be... .(he luckily did not succeeded really any time).

This as one of many examples.

He could believe buying sex was horrible, if he felt horrible by what he had done himself in the past - or even opposed when more healthy, he felt safe within a sexual context. And wanted to do good.

Or feeling the opposite he can find the most "reasonable" arguments.

You can act and find reasonable arguments in acting to a feeling of course, it's human and we are doing it on a regularely basis. But to also see them as the full, 100% reality, no matter if it was said the opposite half an hour ago

- that's another story. That is emotional disorder.

I could be called a "hiting jew" or the next day a "hiting nazi"... .(true!)

And really my ex believed in both as a reality - it was not only an angry statement to hurt me.

I think this is also why a pwBPD has so hard to grasp how they hurt their environment.

Cause it's tru what the feel and say! It's not even mean... .

We know better.

We know this is part of the roller-coaster.

Whenever my ex found ways to get out of that unhealthy comfort-zone of his.

When he with help or sometimes even by himself stepped aside from making feelings

as jelousy, victimization, paranoia the reality - finding more and more trust we could live better.

He trusted me the most (even though he did not trust me, at least I was the person he trusted the most).

But anyhow, in the end of the day, this made the falls and stakes higher.

Hence: the better periods, the worse after.

And the sureness of feelings (anger, jelousy, compulsive addiction etc) the stronger... .and more impulsively acted on.

Such as when your ex convinced herself, almost you, to prostitute herself was a reasonable act... .no matter the pain in it, reasonable in her "situation".

My ex hit back to his comfort zone as a boomerang, I would be surprised if your ex would not.

Sorry to say.

When I started to come to this forum I had enormously much guilt, cause I believed "what if I just... ."

What if I knew more, how do deal with it better, did more, were more kind, more understanding, less stressed by the situation etc - it would have been better.

Also I doubted: is it me who are the pwBPD?

Maybe in one sense our life could have been better, yes, if "what if... .".

Meanwhile now, after knowing more, my ex has fallen the worst, done the worst things, and I feel the struggle would have killed me. It already gave me PTSD.

It's not black and white - not for us non-BPD's either.

Just because your ex is reasonable, from time to time (of course, otherwise it would have been really crazy to be with her) it does not mean you are to blame for the situation.

Just because you would have done more, it does not mean it would have worked better -

maybe it would have worked worse.

And your loved one left you, that is not easy, neither with a pwBPD or not.

You will ruminate. Face it.

I believe, reading your texts, it looks like you are facing a crossroad.

And I think no matter what other people say here, you must listen within - and be aware of what is YOUR comfort zone too. It might be within an abusive relationship, being co-dependent.

Only you know for sure.

Lately I have been facing a lot of non-nice sides with myself within that position.

And I have to work with it. But I do not need my ex for that. The opposite.

He triggs my unhealthy comfort-zone... .

He is not the center of my wellbeing, the opposite.

I am rather sure you know when you are "lying" to yourself and when you are facing yourself in good,

no matter the pain. It's not comfortable, no, to face your weak sides.

But most probably healthier than becoming blindly looking towards a spot and a person that has hurt you a lot.

Repeatingly.

Or you decide that this life with her or someone like her is how you want to live, in such a roller-coaster and in such a pain. If it's with her or someone else, maybe it means you should check out the group "improving a relationship" here at the forum... ? There is no right and wrong in all this. Just be aware and be very careful with yourself.

That is my only real recommendation.

It would be sad if you got more damaged then already shown.

Good luck.
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Surnia
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« Reply #71 on: December 17, 2013, 12:34:24 AM »

Staff only

This thread has reached the page limit and is now locked.  Feel free to pick one of the topics from the thread to start a new one.
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