Devastation

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Wow.  So many devastated people out there.   Some of your BPD r/s ended years ago, and yet you are still struggling.  

You need to do whatever it takes to get to a safe place in your heart where you can move forward and put the pain, sorrow, fear, anger, and humiliation behind you once and for all. It is not healthy to dwell in BPDland after the r/s has died.

Stop empowering the people who hurt you.

Talk therapy is an excellent way to seek guidance and comfort.  Please do not waste your life focused on a disordered person who is no longer part of it.

Let it go.  The old cliche "forgive and forget" IS true.

[MammaMia]

Wow.  So many devastated people out there.   Some of your BPD r/s ended years ago, and yet you are still struggling.  

You need to do whatever it takes to get to a safe place in your heart where you can move forward and put the pain, sorrow, fear, anger, and humiliation behind you once and for all. It is not healthy to dwell in BPDland after the r/s has died.

Stop empowering the people who hurt you.

Talk therapy is an excellent way to seek guidance and comfort.  Please do not waste your life focused on a disordered person who is no longer part of it.

Let it go.  The old cliche "forgive and forget" IS true.

[HarmKrakow]

Wow.  So many devastated people out there.   Some of your BPD r/s ended years ago, and yet you are still struggling.  

You need to do whatever it takes to get to a safe place in your heart where you can move forward and put the pain, sorrow, fear, anger, and humiliation behind you once and for all. It is not healthy to dwell in BPDland after the r/s has died.

Stop empowering the people who hurt you.

Talk therapy is an excellent way to seek guidance and comfort.  Please do not waste your life focused on a disordered person who is no longer part of it.

Let it go.  The old cliche "forgive and forget" IS true.

I've been told my by therapist completely the opposite. Completely, 180 degree opposite. Let it go, forgive and forget goes for all the other r/s in my basket besides this one. This BPD break up altered my physically (hormone) and mentally (PTSD diagnosis due to mental abuse). I have moved on, I have yet to detach though.

I have done everything in the booklet to move on. Going out, doing things, everything. Every little thing. Dating, seeing new girls, traveling, work, study, new hobbies, new friends. And still, tick tick tick, like a bomb, she's still there. And the intensity is not getting lower. I was like, therapist, why the ___ am I not getting over this one? She told me that this is typical textbook break up issues for someone who gets out of a BPD relationship.

I've had many r/s before this one, even longer ones. But they all had closure, they all had answers, we all separated our own way as adults (and with most of them I became friends straight after). This BPD case, is a different story. No closure and separating as the worst enemies on the planet.

My therapist even tells me it's unwise to 'just let go' and move on. Because otherwise I selfishly will take this emotional baggage in my rucksack and I will confront my new partner with this who will then have to go through that torture purely because I 'had to let go'.

My father did that, 20 years ago, "just move on". A few years back he got into the mother of all (emotional) burnouts...

[MammaMia]

HarmKrakow

Very interesting.  Has anyone else out there been told by their therapist to hang on to the negativity from a BPD r/s in order to heal?

[HarmKrakow]

HarmKrakow

Very interesting.  Has anyone else out there been told by their therapist to hang on to the negativity from a BPD r/s in order to heal?

It's not hanging on to the negativity, but definitely not walking away from it. Embrace it. She gave me the example the moment you see 'Mr. Depression' coming at you, embrace him. Give him a hug and drink a cup of tea. Than that 'thought' will go away. To counter act the 'crap' feelings.

In regards of detachment, it's a full focus on the mental disorder. That a pwBPD is not mentally sane. That specific parts of their brain is differently in volume/size. You can not have an adult conversation with a BPD because they are not adults. Same goes for the capability of love from a pwBPD (as that can be tracked back to certain parts in the brain). Or the ability of having empathy. All these things ...

Empathy, love, feelings, they can all be tracked back in the activity of brain parts (this is not some hocus pocus) and by digging deeper into this the realization comes more deeply that a pwBPD is really mentally ill and that any feelings I felt for this, were simply the projection on the mirror she showed me, and that... that projection was me.

[fromheeltoheal]

In regards of detachment, it's a full focus on the mental disorder. That a pwBPD is not mentally sane. That specific parts of their brain is differently in volume/size. You can not have an adult conversation with a BPD because they are not adults. Same goes for the capability of love from a pwBPD (as that can be tracked back to certain parts in the brain). Or the ability of having empathy. All these things ...

Empathy, love, feelings, they can all be tracked back in the activity of brain parts (this is not some hocus pocus) and by digging deeper into this the realization comes more deeply that a pwBPD is really mentally ill and that any feelings I felt for this, were simply the projection on the mirror she showed me, and that... that projection was me.

Technically a borderline is not insane; insanity requires "delusions, hallucinations, detachment from 'reality', such as organic brain syndromes, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and other psychotic disorders."  A borderline can experience cognitive distortions, which is in the same direction, but not as extreme.

Remember the core of the disorder is the fact that a borderline never detached from their primary caregiver, usually their mother, and developed their own autonomous 'self', so they go through life trying to replicate that attachment, in which the borderline and their mother were one person with no boundary in their head.  And the trauma in their youth of not successfully going through the abandonment depression stunts their emotional development, so yes, we were dealing with emotional children.

And good call on realizing that a borderline, in an effort to establish an attachment, mirrors the good they see in you, to form the attachment and also to counter the bad they see in themselves, so yes, that awesome person you saw in the borderline was the good in you being reflected back.  Take that in: you were awesome enough to be let into a borderlines inner world, the one where all the pain is but you were let in nonetheless, so to them you were a replacement for that earliest attachment, you rate.  And when you saw the good in you, you fell in love with that, so you got a heavy dose of loving yourself.  How cool is that?  :)amn you're good!

[ShadowDancer]

There is a part of me that says all this pop psychology is a bunch of hog wash and individual right wrong maybe this maybe that mumbo jumbo and I want to jump up and say ta hell with it. This is not my problem. Ya want to sit on your pity pot over this nut case that's fine, get busy livin or get busy dyin. That's on me.

Then there is the other part of me that says wow this is some heavy stuff that is really out to lunch. It must take a long long time to recover from something so powerful. You do have a big problem. Poor baby feel just as bad for as long as you want even if that means spending many your precious numbered days in a total funk.

Which do you prefer?

[MammaMia]

HarmKrakow

It sounds as if your breakup was recent or you have just recently gotten treatment.  Is that correct?

Yes, it is very important to accept that your ex is mentally ill followed by learning to understand what BPD is and how it affected her behavior and the r/s as a whole.  Once this is accomplished, you can then move forward to detachment.

This is the process for healing.  Hang in there.

[HarmKrakow]

There is a part of me that says all this pop psychology is a bunch of hog wash and individual right wrong maybe this maybe that mumbo jumbo and I want to jump up and say ta hell with it. This is not my problem. Ya want to sit on your pity pot over this nut case that's fine, get busy livin or get busy dyin. That's on me.

Then there is the other part of me that says wow this is some heavy stuff that is really out to lunch. It must take a long long time to recover from something so powerful. You do have a big problem. Poor baby feel just as bad for as long as you want even if that means spending many your precious numbered days in a total funk.

Which do you prefer?

The thing is, I do keep busy livin. Heck, everyone is proud of me that I moved town, moved to a complete new town, living in a new house, everything new and redecorated the way I wanted. I went on complete party benders like crazy. And boy oh boy did I have fun! But also enjoying hobbies etc. Everything, the whole lot. I prefer to be completely mentally and physically over her. I do, I really do. And i've done everything in the booklet of getting over someone to 'get over her', but that doesn't mean that I got over her. I might have, but I haven't detached. At all.

But then I realized some parts where not the same. My memory strength was apesh!t. Complete awal. A check of hormones and it was all over the place, especially cortisol values. All to be pointed to this toxic break up. I went into a severe PTSD period, where a trigger alone, would already make me go (literally!) puke my guts out. Over and over ... and over again. Hormone wise, mental wise, SSRI wise, all that stuff can change for good after a shocker of a break up. That is not hogwash.

And I agree ,a lot of psychology is crap. It is, it seriously is. The thing is, having myself a mentally ill disordered mother, i've learned a thing or 2 about brain psychology. Those things can't be fooled. I've had my MRI scan of the head to check if I had the same mental issues as my mother and luckily I came out clean. But people with BPD do have different wired brains as us. That is fact, not fiction. Some parts of their brains are less developed (or lesser in volume) than, let's say a 100% complete average person. I can back this up with academic/scientific material if you want me 2. It's actually quite interesting.

[HarmKrakow]

HarmKrakow

It sounds as if your breakup was recent or you have just recently gotten treatment.  Is that correct?

Yes, it is very important to accept that your ex is mentally ill followed by learning to understand what BPD is and how it affected her behavior and the r/s as a whole.  Once this is accomplished, you can then move forward to detachment.

This is the process for healing.  Hang in there.

Mental break up was around October 2012. Therapy started in 2012. Official break up (but we were not even a 'true' couple anymore) was in March 2013.

I've had anti depressants (quite heavy) for roughly 4 months. Diagnosed with PTSD and received EMDR treatment. Those things are already months and months behind me and I'm sleep pill free, anti depressant free and only go once a week to therapy to discuss the current situations...

Everyone around me is proud of everything i've achieved after my ex. My own new flat, new kitchen, new town, new friends, went on holidays, i've met some amazing girls, awesome flirts going very far. Had fantastic trips to Spain, Luxemburg, everywhere. I'm already out of anti depressants since July 2013. But it still bites, every day.

Every single day ...

I tried from time to time to reconnect with my ex. She starts with how valuable I am. To then disregard me as a piece of sh!t and that i'm the worst piece of scumbag on the planet and that I'm not ready to ever see her again etc. (while a few days before that we planned to have a chat and see each other ... )

Last time I saw her? 9th of January 2013. Last sentence she told me? The relationship is heading in the right direction... .few months after she had a long email about a tv-series Suits and then the last 2 sentences were about; I thought about our relationship. It's done, if you want to talk we can do that tomorrow. Bye...

.

[GlennT]

I confess, I am one of the most corrupted members here. Ai yi yi mama mia alot of nons here had alot of good lives corrupted, benefits galore for many members. But some of us here were conceived, and born, in the middle of a corruptible mess, where addiction, anger, and depression were our homies, and BPD's were sometimes our best girlfriends on the way up and out. The BPD girls oh. oops interesting and fun company to pass our going nowhere nights with for better or worse, until... .  years later...  life is nearly over, wasted and ruined, and anger addiction and depression are still our homies. So yeah, some shallow therapist, who never lived our lives, states to embrace anger and depression,etc. it will be good for you to feel this way.  these are the only angry smiley vomits here  .

[ShadowDancer]

Harm,

I like you man I truly do. And it is true I too also know all about the absolute true proven facts that their brains are different than the average and all that stuff. I too have studied for the past year and got all the information and feel I have my bachelors degree in Personality Disorders and now I am at my cross roads.

I'm weary of renting space to her in my head. WEARY man. There is a life out there. I want some of it.

Have you tried anything other than party hearty (I did my share). Like meditation or prayer or therapy?

And since our brains are NOT farked up do ya think we can use them to wiggle our way outta this mess?

[HarmKrakow]

Harm,

I like you man I truly do. And it is true I too also know all about the absolute true proven facts that their brains are different than the average and all that stuff. I too have studied for the past year and got all the information and feel I have my bachelors degree in Personality Disorders and now I am at my cross roads.

I'm weary of renting space to her in my head. WEARY man. There is a life out there. I want some of it.

Have you tried anything other than party hearty (I did my share). Like meditation or prayer or therapy?

And since our brains are NOT farked up do ya think we can use them to wiggle our way outta this mess?

I do think we eventually are clever enough to get out of this crap. It's the reason why I keep posting and trying to find a solution out of this crap... . It will come, i'm sure of that.

I remember my ex telling me she went partying from Saturday evening to Sunday around noon. I was like, ___ that! I can beat that! And I went on till Sunday night :D Ending up with a girl as well. Party hearty all the way! And of course a lot of therapy. Steady going on that one! But not just that, also hobbies, holidays, work, studying, meeting friends. Meeting new people everything.

I read the bible, I have spoken to a lot of people who follow religion. Spoken to atheists. I traveled around Europe completely on my own. Met the most awesome (and ___ed up) people. From drug users to strippers to alcoholics to PhD mathematics (i'm almost one of those :P) and ministers from church. The whole lot.

I tried reading the therapy from Christians, Hindu's, Buddhist, Zen-buddhism, atheists, anti-stress crap, the typical 'Are you still not over her' from friends during a party and getting laid with someone else. Books from Krishnamurti, the weird waving crap from Eckhart Tolle and not to forget about all that weird sh!t from Operah and her followers.

All in all I found most comfort in the readings by Alan Watts. Mostly because he didn't pick a religion, he purely showed himself as an entertainer of what is out there 'as religion'. That... really helped. The really severe depressive feelings, the ___ed up feelings dissapeared after reading a lot of his stories and watching his vid's on youtube.

Although I also admit that my therapist told me that if I was just some brainless cookie, like a simplistic construction worker (not that i'm being negative of those), I wouldn't have had these issues i'm currently facing. To give thoughts about it, i've done some die-hard mathematics degree as a MSc's at University. The real help in regards of detachment is simply the reality of a 'how ill a BPD person really truly is'

[MammaMia]

HarmKrakow

You have explored many options.  Perhaps too many?  Could this be adding to your stress?  Be careful not to over-analyze to the point of confusion.

Not everything in life has a concrete answer.  Sometimes we have to accept this.

Stick with Alan Watts if he resonates with you and makes you feel better.

[HarmKrakow]

HarmKrakow

You have explored many options.  Perhaps too many?  Could this be adding to your stress?  Be careful not to over-analyze to the point of confusion.

Not everything in life has a concrete answer.  Sometimes we have to accept this.

Stick with Alan Watts if he resonates with you and makes you feel better.

Thank you. Seriously! Had a bit of a tough evening today (It's 4.04AM where I currently AM) and been trying to catch some sleep and didn't work.

After your last comment I've watched my fav. 3 vid's of Mr. Watts

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLD0P372xxQ

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMRrCYPxD0I

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wU0PYcCsL6o

And now it's ready to finally hit my bed. You are right. I have considered (too) many options. That wasn't always the best option. I just relaxed a little and realize, you are right. Time to end today and see what 2morrow will bring