Left BPDGF, 62 days N.C. Sleeping with others helps

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ok soo... She was cool, you loved being around her, she was amazing, you loved her, she was understanding, sexually compatible you said, she obviously loved you or she wouldn't have taken you back. SHES HEALTHY! Good GOD man what exactly are you waiting for. The commitment fairy to come down and brush you with fairy dust?

And now you are going out there again? Ok. To look for what exactly? What are you hoping to find? What is missing in this last girl except the fact that you would have to commit? Is she cool but just not the one? Or what?

Stop reading my mind Iwalk-Heruns! Aaaaaah!   Basically, all of the questions you asked are just what I'm asking myself right now. I was in my early 30s when I met with my exBPDgf, and after 4 yrs this was the first time I was considering really building a life with someone. I'd been in love before but it had been 3 yrs single for me before meeting xBPD, I was ready for a gf and commitment and it developed into us living together, etc. So now, later in my 30's I'm seeing that i wasn't the same person and have to start looking at "girlfriends" as potential life-partners which just wasn't where my head was at 6 years ago (yes, i'm a late bloomer).

So, after 4 years with her, I think I'm still figuring myself out. One thing I realize now is that it's easier for me to fall in love--I didn't expect to fall so in love with hgf (i like this term too  ), so this was a bit of a surprise for me. And honestly I didn't have issues committing to her when we were together, but I did have to realize that I wasn't ready to start building a lifelong r/s with her, quite yet. biology, time constraints now play a part in my matchmaking. i fall in love easier (kind of nice, kind of scary), starting to think about a family, etc. so, being single is kind of a new ball game now... .why'd you ask all those questions? << no, thank you for asking, like I said before it's things I'm currently working through.

Do you think it has so something to do with still being attached to ex BPD still?

no. and i can honestly say no in this case. even if my ex were nice, caring and supportive of me now, the trust has just been too broken for me to see any of it as real. she could actually be genuine and to me it would just feel like she was being narcissistic and manipulative; i just wouldn't be able to tell the difference (if there is one?). self-work and doing true radical-acceptance i know she's just not the pedigree of woman who i would like to associate with even as a friend. this still saddens me, i still work through things on my own, but no i'd never return.

there's women i know, or women i meet who i know i'd be ready to make that jump with though. and i can tell that this is within my reach. so i'm just parsing through and trying to make sure my wants/needs/expectations are in alignment with reality, so to speak. my hxgf is still on my mind a lot though... but would be unfair for me to engage with her beyond anything plutonic without knowing my intentions fully for the future.

BTW, I think you coined a new acronym that I like. HGF/BF. We are so used to seeing BPD it's nice to think in healthy terms.

thanks! yes i like this too H=Healthy. hxgf, hbf, hr/s  

[goldylamont]

Ok soo... She was cool, you loved being around her, she was amazing, you loved her, she was understanding, sexually compatible you said, she obviously loved you or she wouldn't have taken you back. SHES HEALTHY! Good GOD man what exactly are you waiting for. The commitment fairy to come down and brush you with fairy dust?

And now you are going out there again? Ok. To look for what exactly? What are you hoping to find? What is missing in this last girl except the fact that you would have to commit? Is she cool but just not the one? Or what?

Stop reading my mind Iwalk-Heruns! Aaaaaah!   Basically, all of the questions you asked are just what I'm asking myself right now. I was in my early 30s when I met with my exBPDgf, and after 4 yrs this was the first time I was considering really building a life with someone. I'd been in love before but it had been 3 yrs single for me before meeting xBPD, I was ready for a gf and commitment and it developed into us living together, etc. So now, later in my 30's I'm seeing that i wasn't the same person and have to start looking at "girlfriends" as potential life-partners which just wasn't where my head was at 6 years ago (yes, i'm a late bloomer).

So, after 4 years with her, I think I'm still figuring myself out. One thing I realize now is that it's easier for me to fall in love--I didn't expect to fall so in love with hgf (i like this term too  ), so this was a bit of a surprise for me. And honestly I didn't have issues committing to her when we were together, but I did have to realize that I wasn't ready to start building a lifelong r/s with her, quite yet. biology, time constraints now play a part in my matchmaking. i fall in love easier (kind of nice, kind of scary), starting to think about a family, etc. so, being single is kind of a new ball game now... .why'd you ask all those questions? << no, thank you for asking, like I said before it's things I'm currently working through.

Do you think it has so something to do with still being attached to ex BPD still?

no. and i can honestly say no in this case. even if my ex were nice, caring and supportive of me now, the trust has just been too broken for me to see any of it as real. she could actually be genuine and to me it would just feel like she was being narcissistic and manipulative; i just wouldn't be able to tell the difference (if there is one?). self-work and doing true radical-acceptance i know she's just not the pedigree of woman who i would like to associate with even as a friend. this still saddens me, i still work through things on my own, but no i'd never return.

there's women i know, or women i meet who i know i'd be ready to make that jump with though. and i can tell that this is within my reach. so i'm just parsing through and trying to make sure my wants/needs/expectations are in alignment with reality, so to speak. my hxgf is still on my mind a lot though... but would be unfair for me to engage with her beyond anything plutonic without knowing my intentions fully for the future.

BTW, I think you coined a new acronym that I like. HGF/BF. We are so used to seeing BPD it's nice to think in healthy terms.

thanks! yes i like this too H=Healthy. hxgf, hbf, hr/s  

[goldylamont]

just wanted to throw out there that you know us nons exist on a spectrum, so what may work for some may not work for others. i didn't want to beat up on babyspook too much b/c i think this is just what's working for him. and, what he's saying kind of resonates with me--this is just who i am i feel as my "authentic self", my healing is through action and movement. but it's *no more correct* than any other method of healing.

i'm proud of myself for dating after the breakup, and i think having healthy r/s (sexual and non) were critical to rebuilding myself and giving me perspective on my past unhealthy r/s. but, i know just from talking with friends and such that it's different for other people. the downside of my path is worrying about std's, and walking the fragile line between respect/intimacy/love, which can only happen when *both* parties are honest and respectful of each other. About 3 or 4 months out of BPD r/s i was dating this one woman, very sexual, but also very honest. i really liked her as a cool person. if i were to see her now i'd smile, maybe say hi and some kind words. i think she feels the same about me. staying by yourself has tons of benefits also and can be less worry-some on many fronts--i think it's important for all of us to understand and keep an open mind:

you can easily fall into a trap of using other/yourself if you date after an abusive r/s and have the wrong intentions or expectations

likewise, you can fall into a trap of isolating yourself and not realizing your self worth if you are holding back from meeting new people and allowing your previous relationship continue to determine your happiness in the now.

it's a balance grasshoppers, no? oohmmmmmm 

[fromheeltoheal]

Part of taking care of ourselves is a healthy sex life.  My borderline ex was all about her, and although the sex was 'rambunctious', it was not making love, which is what I wanted, so that was as empty as it gets.  Two consenting adults who are open and honest with each other, let's have sex just to have sex, this isn't dating and it doesn't mean more than the physical act, does not feel empty at all because it was open and honest and there were no agendas.  And yes, it definitely helps us take care of ourselves.

It's already been established that I am in the minority on this but I do not think a person has to have sex in order to be healthy or take care of ourselves. Sex is not a life or death need it is what deepens a relationship with a man and a woman and differentiates it from all our other relationships in life. It is not the same as food or water or air. we can agree to disagree.

Ok so let me ask you this. If as you said you wanted to make love and she just wanted rambunctious sex do you think there is any correlation in the fact that you are meeting women and right away engaging in an intimate act therefore becoming involved with women who may only be capable of that and not getting to know the real them first before a sexual bond occurs which tends to make us overlook the failings in them as compatable partners until we are knee deep in it? I mean to actually make love you have to be in love otherwise it is just sex and that just can't happen with casual partners.

Two different situations.  I was in love with my borderline ex and we took it slowly, getting to know each other, building a relationship and getting emotionally intimate before we were physically intimate, the correct way to start a relationship.  All went well initially, although I consider 'making love' a way for partners to increase their intimacy and communicate their love for each other, as well as pleasure each other; it's a physical extension of the relationship and a vital part of it.  Turns out she couldn't/wouldn't become intimate, didn't know what it was, shied away from 'romance', the closer I tried to get the further she pulled away, and turns out all the 'intimate' conversations we had were her parroting something she heard somewhere, who knows, but those were not her feelings.  Turns out she's a borderline.

Now, as part of my healing and taking care of myself, I've met women and asked them if they wanted to have sex right away, with no pretense, no games, no bullsht, straight up sex for sex's sake.  And it works.  As I've been detaching and healing from my borderline ex relationship, I'm not in a place to start over with a new romantic relationship, got work to do first, but that doesn't mean I need to deny myself physical pleasure.  Sex can get messy when things aren't communicated, but the older I get the less that happens, women want to get laid as much as men, and as long as it isn't presented as something it's not, all is good.

[lonelyh1]

Living with a uBPDw results in a true lack of self worth.  Lack of a connection, this is what most people want.

Sex with out with out real intimacy , becomes problematic for some. Sex becomes a stop gap for emotional connection

For me I can not cheat, even thou I suspect she has more than once. 

I need to move on emotionally before I can start another relationship.  Sexual intimacy has been damaged by her.

[LilMissSunshine]

Guess I'm a dinosaur too and feel pretty much the same as my two "prehistoric" friends.