I Know Your Mind Was Wrecked But What About Your Body? Your Health? Your Looks?

[ucmeicu2]

during the Idealization Phase of the R/s with my xBPDgf i was on top of the world, and mirror agreed!  i looked younger, happier, more confident, looked and felt amazing physically.

then during the multiple Devalue/Discard Phases, all that started going away.  i put on weight (stress eating) and looked at 10-15 yrs older with wrinkles, bad/dead looking skin, gray hair, etc.

i had the typical stuff regularly mentioned here... .sadness/depression, anxiety/PTSD, insomnia, etc but more serious stuff like pain popping up everywhere!  back pain, foot pain, headaches/migraines.  i wonder if it's just coincidence... .maybe it all would have happened anyway... .

but i now have scary official diagnoses like arthritis, fibromyalgia, planter fasciatis (severe foot pain), IBS, anxiety, depression, insomnia and more.  i'm shocked that there was that much stress that i aged terribly and lost a huge chunk of my health.  for crying out loud, what's next... .cancer?

so what about you?  do you look and feel like hell, too?  i'd like to hear what you're dealing with, get a latger picture regarding the destructive aftermath of a BPD r/s.   and is it reversible?

[Ironmanrises]

After round 1 discard, I was wreck mentally and physically. It was really bad the first month of NC and decreased significantly into months 2 and 3 and was doing well right until she contacted in month 3 of NC. After round 2 discard, all of the above has been amplified multiple times. Many grey hairs have surfaced on my head(I am only 36), my appetite was impacted for the first few weeks of NC, I still can't look people in the eyes(I didn't have this issue in round 1), and I am in month 4 of NC. I feel far worse. Everyone around me has noticed the look on my face.

[Changingman]

during the Idealization Phase of the R/s with my xBPDgf i was on top of the world, and mirror agreed!  i looked younger, happier, more confident, looked and felt amazing physically.

then during the multiple Devalue/Discard Phases, all that started going away.  i put on weight (stress eating) and looked at 10-15 yrs older with wrinkles, bad/dead looking skin, gray hair, etc.

i had the typical stuff regularly mentioned here... .sadness/depression, anxiety/PTSD, insomnia, etc but more serious stuff like pain popping up everywhere!  back pain, foot pain, headaches/migraines.  i wonder if it's just coincidence... .maybe it all would have happened anyway... .

but i now have scary official diagnoses like arthritis, fibromyalgia, planter fasciatis (severe foot pain), IBS, anxiety, depression, insomnia and more.  i'm shocked that there was that much stress that i aged terribly and lost a huge chunk of my health.  for crying out loud, what's next... .cancer?

so what about you?  do you look and feel like hell, too?  i'd like to hear what you're dealing with, get a latger picture regarding the destructive aftermath of a BPD r/s.   and is it reversible?

I put on 2 stone, sweated all the time from alcohol lack of sleep etc etc... .I was a physically destroyed. From day 1 when she left i lost weight felt better physically, I've lost all the weight my skin is better i sweated out her poison for 2 months I'm out 4 months now. I look amazing, I'm caring for myself now. Would never let that kind of poison in my life again, I didn't think of it as abuse at all until I was out... .now I can see it, see all the abuse I've had in my life, crystal clear... .like waking up on the operating table and watching them run away.

Mum, ExWife, it all makes sense now. Thank the Lord I found out about BPD.

Might have saved my sanity and my life.

Thanks everyone

I have lost some feeling to my right thumb after I fell soon after she left but i'm stronger now than before I met her. This is me, not her.

[Nearlybroken]

Like you, when things were great with my ex I looked and felt amazing... .but as his health declined so did mine.I suffered the usual depression/anxiety etc during the bad times.And following the split I was diagnosed with reactive depression and PTSD.I am now in therapy.But in respect of physical symptoms... .I have not eaten properly for months now so have lost a lot of weight.I have burst blood vessels in my eyes from crying so hard.My skin is ruined ( I have had a constant visible rash all over my body for months now) and I look like I have aged 10 years in a few short months.In addition my hair has been falling out and I get terrible neck pain and headaches.I also  have insomnia.Before this ( with the exception of health issues following a still birth) I had not visited the doctor in years.I look a mess and I feel a mess.My doctor has attributed all of my physical symptoms to stress... .I feel that even if I recover mentally from this experience ( unlikely) I will always have the physical issues to remind me of him and his treatment of me.Like a tattoo that you can't afford to remove... .only much much worse.NB.X

[Learning_curve74]

I was in great shape before I met my exBPDgf, but I let myself go a little after we broke up. I am slowly getting back though. It helps that I have friends that encourage me to work out together.

I still have problems with insomnia and low energy. The white hairs started showing up in my beard at the time of most stress when I was trying to figure out leaving her. I had one or two but then in just that one stressful month they multiplied! I also had shingles.

Dealing with crazy = STRESS... .so I've learned never again! 

[Traumatized]

I am still losing weight.  At last check I had lost 29 pounds in 5 months without even trying.  Before, during and after the devaluation and final discard I had lost my appetite.  It seems to have come back a little, but my weight loss is still significant.  People notice.  It could "just" be stress or it could be something worse.  My last 3 blood tests were bad and my doctor has been unable to come to a definitive conclusion about what is wrong with me.  I'll be going back again soon and hopefully find some answers.   

[maxen]

my sleep was/is wrecked, i'd wake up with tachycardia every night for months after 4 or 5 hours, and still wouldn't get a full night in without the trazodone. i lost a dozen pounds (this after a weight loss regiment during the marriage which got me down 30 pounds, so i don't have much left to lose now). my hair has gone grayer. i was spontaneously told by a colleague that i look great. he can't see inside my mind though. i'm a schoolteacher and i have spent some days holding it together in the classroom while simultaneously wishing that i were dead.

I still can't look people in the eyes

for a while i couldn't look myself in the eyes. i covered over all the mirrors in my apartment.

I have burst blood vessels in my eyes from crying so hard.

 weeping is a great healer but i'm sorry for your pain. i've wept until my face was raw.

[BPSurvivor7588]

I was much like you. At the beginning of the r/s I looked and felt great but as it went on I got heavier and heavier. I exercised, ran 5K's, dieted and even went so far as to get a personal trainer. Nothing would get the weight off. I mean I ran two miles a day for two months eating "Paleo" and my weight did not budge. I would catch EVERYTHING. Someone would walk passed me with a sneeze and I had it the next day. I've always had a bit of an issue with Insomnia but never like this... .I never slept. I too avoided looking in the mirror. Then the split happened and I lost 25 lbs in a month and a half. I never miss work from being sick. My skin, joints... .even my hair looks better. My stylist says she's never seen such healthy hair!  Its crazy what physical effects it has on you.

[Pretty Woman]

I've lost about 40lbs in a year from the depression of this. When she would leave I just couldn't eat. I am eating more now but I wake up in the middle of the night hungry. I get full so fast... .probably because it feels like there is a huge pit in my stomach.

[Changingman]

Like you, when things were great with my ex I looked and felt amazing... .but as his health declined so did mine.I suffered the usual depression/anxiety etc during the bad times.And following the split I was diagnosed with reactive depression and PTSD.I am now in therapy.But in respect of physical symptoms... .I have not eaten properly for months now so have lost a lot of weight.I have burst blood vessels in my eyes from crying so hard.My skin is ruined ( I have had a constant visible rash all over my body for months now) and I look like I have aged 10 years in a few short months.In addition my hair has been falling out and I get terrible neck pain and headaches.I also  have insomnia.Before this ( with the exception of health issues following a still birth) I had not visited the doctor in years.I look a mess and I feel a mess.My doctor has attributed all of my physical symptoms to stress... .I feel that even if I recover mentally from this experience ( unlikely) I will always have the physical issues to remind me of him and his treatment of me.Like a tattoo that you can't afford to remove... .only much much worse.NB.X

You have been In the jaws of a predictor... .your body is right ... .Listen to it. It's trying to help you accept it. Work with it, don't deny the truth your body is telling you. That's just borderline!

[Traumatized]

I have burst blood vessels in my eyes from crying so hard.

I have burst blood vessels in my left eye that could be from crying so hard, but it's more likely from when she stuck a q-tip in my eye.  I've been having problems with that eye ever since.  My back and one of my hips still hurt from when she shoved me to the floor as hard as she could via the edge of a wooden framed futon couch.  That was two months ago.

[love4meNOTu]

I haven't been this thin since high school. I think I must have lost 40 pounds in six months.

My hair is growing back in (kinda itchy that is- ick).

I get compliments every day on how good I look and how it's nice to have the "old love4" back, because I smile. I was so upset for so long that everyone knew I was struggling - so I think that this new version of me takes people aback. I just met with a coworker I haven't seen in a year and his mouth dropped open. He literally did not recognize me.

Dating isn't a problem... .wanting to date is. And I'm nowhere near caring, I gotta focus on me and the kids. Getting better and not using another body to help me feel better about myself.

You will get back what you've lost - YOU WILL.

love4

[BuildingFromScratch]

I went from a clean kid with nearly perfect teeth, to a bum sitting in a room with bottles of urine and cigarette butts all over the place, sometimes not showering for 7-20 days. Also, my teeth kinda suck now, but most of the issue is in the back unfortunately.

[Littleopener]

I stopped eating.

Now I only eat cake because it makes me feel a bit better.

Lost a lot of weight rapidly.

[charred]

Hoped it was just me... .

I lost 40 lbs when I was with her, looked great... probably 10 yrs younger than real age. Since the breakup, regained it all and more. Seem to have constant mild upset stomach. Was very depressed for about a year, kind of depressed for 4 months after that... .and motivated for first time really, last week. Daughter had a bday and my exwife (not pwBPD) and I worked on my house and hosted the bday slumber party, and house is really nice for first time in very long time.

My confidence isn't back yet... interview for a job that prior to pwBPD would have been mine 100% for sure... but I didn't feel/seem confident, though I know what I am doing (very good at it)... .head just wasn't in it.

Had some PTSD treatment (EMDR)... and time seems to be helping, but my looks... aged back maybe 7 ... .so a bit dumpy and nearly looking my age.

[Naddred369]

She's 29 and im 41. When we were together I really looked about 32 ( really! dont laugh).

seven weeks after the split ive lost all my muscle tone, ive lost so much weight ive had to put more holes in my belts and my wrinkles on my face are shocking! I look about 60!

My body is in pain, just muscle pain really, all the time. Its worrying. I dont sleep well at all.

They say your as old as the woman you feel... .shes gone now im aging rapidly!

No grey hairs as yet as im a ginger!

[ZigofZag]

I lost contact with my friends, family, self. My emotions were numb, my body was bruised and my bank accounts empty. My self confidence shattered, my faith in others damaged, my faith in myself close to destroyed.

Since separation; my faith in myself is returning, my friends and family have as well. I am learning about my emotions and why I accepted her behaviour, my bank accounts are still empty but I am working on that. Self confidence is still low but I cover it really well. I still struggle to trust others and can never imagine myself in another relationship. I am still here and so every day I have a little bit more faith in myself.

We are survivors of abusive relationships

[ZigofZag]

Naddred369,

There was an age difference for us as well, about 19 years. I had a dip in my physical appearance from lack of sleep, food and too much stress. Starting to recover now. Take time out for a hot bath and spend some time treating yourself. Our sparkle will come back 

[Findingmysong723]

I lost some weight the first time my Ex Boyfriend and I broke up, I wasn't eating much at all, lost my appetite. However, eating very little ended after about a week, luckily.

When we got back together I lost a little more weight, I think because of stress and also my job which is in retail and we walk around the whole time. Although, I liked the weight loss, because I'm thinner than I've been since in forever, however I want to keep my weight in a healthier way. When I look at my waist I can tell I'm basically the same weight but filled out a little in a healthier way, yeah! Although, I was never overly thin or anything, but I didn't like having a reminder of the stress I was in!

[Naddred369]

zigof zag,

I hope my "sparkle" comes back soon or my time with "twenty somethings" will be well and truly over! Ill have to date women my own age and act mature!

[charred]

I could use some sparkle for twenty somethings... ., suspect that is already long gone... .but what gets me... .my pwBPD, lost weight and kept it off, looked younger by more like 15 yrs and didn't suddenly age. She did thin out to looking great... then keep going to looking hard and evil... like some kind of reptile.

[Findingmysong723]

I also had a few panic attacks, not full blown, but heart racing and feeling out of control. I had my first one about a month ago, waiting in the waiting room when I was getting my car looked at it. I was sitting there with another woman across from me, I smiled to acknowledge her but then went back to reading. When I was reading a magazine I felt like I couldn't concentrate and I started getting nervous and felt my body stiffen and then felt like my body was twitching when to relax. I felt worse when I was reading, and continued but was worse while reading. I don't think it was that obvious, at least I hope not!

I also continued to feel panicky at work that same week,during our "rallies" before our day starts we gather around and talk about the sales etc of the day. My Manager came up to talk to me after one of our rallies and I started getting nervous and heart racing, not fun. I had also been reading about anxiety attacks on a Blog from a person with Borderline Personality that I really enjoy, my Ex Boyfriend had huge issues with anxiety and took medication for it so it interested me. I remember feeling so annoyed that he had issues with me being nervous or awkward sometimes, when he took medication for that very thing!I don't take medication for it, I've never had panic attacks before, that I can remember. I also felt like, Ex said "tag your it" and gave me his anxiety which was ten times worse than my ever was. I admit I always had a little social anxiety, kinda feeling out of it at time, but nothing like this!

However, it's been weeks now, and I went back to the mechanic today and felt a little weird sitting across from someone not talking but it past. I ended up talking to a bunch of people today, so no awkward quiet. I haven't had anymore anxiety attacks or small attacks or whatever, which I'm very happy about!The irony I saw my Ex a few weeks ago, because he was dropping a stray cat at the Shelter the day I went to walk dogs, but I didn't have an anxiety attack during the annoying "small talk!"

[Changingman]

Yes Finding,

I had 2 panic attacks in the street, just had to get home as quick as possible, paranoia, anxiety, fluctuating emotions. Never had them before, wow. They really do tag you with their crazy, I couldn't work properly for 2 months just eaten up. This is a small taste of how they feel, about themselves and the world, it's just hell... .good.

[Nicco]

Me i used to have a strong anxiety already some years ago,before meet my ex... .first couple of years been a very pain in the a$$... .but lil by lil i learned how to control it and not it's pratically gone,i can almost say i'm ok with that... .and fortunately it didn't come back strongly after this last relationship... .but it had others effect on me... .since i've been (i'm) very stressed... .i react like i always done... .i eat just few things a day,smock way more cigarettes,alcohol abuse for quiet all summer... .in the weekend mornings too... .i stopped to sleep properly since this summer... .rare to have bad dreams,but i wake up a couple of hours earlier than i should have to and my mind start to think at her strongly... .this summer i slept 3 hours par night for two months and i was a real s--t... .and i was LITTERALY obsessed by pictures of her with other men after i knew about her prostitution activity... .go to sleep and wake unable to stop your mind thinkg at your GF having sex in every way with old strangers was pushing me to insanity... .so yes,it had a big effect on my body too... .my gastro problems improved a bit... .and i got three very cute white hairs (she found them on my head last time we met).

[slimmiller]

After I discovered the affair I lost a bit of weight. Went through a lot of stress, insomnia, didnt loose much weight though. My gray hair came in full force.

Went on a bike ride one day when it was chilly out and wasnt dressed properly and got a very deep chill in my back which resulted in my arm going numb from the knots it put in my back. Many month of chiropractic treatment later it slowly started coming back (the feeling in my arm) Its all back except my right thumb is still numb off and on.  Cramps my guitar playing which is something I have wanted to do my whole life and I just started when she initailly discarded me and before my arm went numb... .:'(.

But on the bright side, I have less gray hair now then I did when we first broke up. I still have them but it almost seems like its less noticable. And I dont think its just thinning... .

Physically I feel a Hell of a lot better today then I have in years. I have better muscle tone, I run 5ks. My goal for time (in the 5k) for all of next year, I have already broken this year so time for a new goal


On the flip side, my ex (who I have to see because of the kids... .) is thinner now then she has been in a long time but she looks like crap in all honesty. She is gaunt in the face, has a poor complexion and looks wispy and waifish. Almost like her inner ugliness is starting to bleed through

[maxen]

oh yes, the panic attacks, for the first time in my life.

and my handwriting changed.

[Changingman]

oh yes, the panic attacks, for the first time in my life.

and my handwriting changed.

This is just plain funny,

Not the panic attacks though,

thats awful, signs of abuse I guess

[charred]

Oh yeah... my hair suddenly started going grey rapidly... .but a bottle of "just for men" seemed to correct the situation. My handwriting is still terrible... same as ever.

[mumuli]

I am heart broken, sad, and is disrepair BUT... I look GREAT!

I lost a lot of weight, I got more energy, I have a social life. It is kinda weird to feel bad then life is getting better.

[Findingmysong723]

Yes Finding,

I had 2 panic attacks in the street, just had to get home as quick as possible, paranoia, anxiety, fluctuating emotions. Never had them before, wow. They really do tag you with their crazy, I couldn't work properly for 2 months just eaten up. This is a small taste of how they feel, about themselves and the world, it's just hell... .good.

Changingman,

Panic attacks are no fun, hope yours have gone away as well! I almost feel that reading about anxiety got me to have them. I was anxious and my OCD (checking if oven on, checking food if cooked properly etc) got worse when I was in the relationship with my EX Boyfriend. My sleeping wasn't great either, because he had insomnia at times, so I would stay up with him sometimes to be with him. Not sure if insomnia is part of being in recovery from alcohol?  I sleep well now, I just stay up to late at times. : )