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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: For 2 months I've waited for that text  (Read 2577 times)
ThisIsMyNamelol

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« on: November 27, 2013, 04:41:51 AM »

     Woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep, so I thought it might help if I got a few things off my chest. Friends are tired of hearing about any of this, sadly, so this is the only real place I can make myself vulnerable anymore.

     I changed my number today. Not because she was reaching out, or anything like that. On the contrary. She dumped me, said I lied and abused her, accused me of cheating and called the police on me. And without warning she moved out, changed her number and erased me from facebook and her life. In less than a week. And much to my surprise, she hasn't tried to reach out or provide any explanation since. (3 months ago, I think?) I changed it because my anticipation of any contact from her, or any news about her was consuming my everyday life.

     Part of the anticipation was from hearing the stories on here. Part of it was from the disbelief that someone could just turn you off in their brain in an instant.

Another part was from a brief exchange on facebook about 2 months ago. After about a month of nc after the b/u, I noticed she had unblocked me on facebook. It killed me, but I decided to block her, not out of anger, but to protect myself. What do you know, the next day she decides to make a new facebook that says 'starting fresh' that shows up on my newsfeed.(she added a friend of mine.) Thinking she had cooled off, I sent her a message offering my friendship and letting her know my family would always be there for her. Just that. She replies "I was madly in love with you and you wrecked me, I have to move on" that was sent on her phone. she then rushed to her laptop(you can see what the message was sent from) to add "thank you, but I'm not ready. I'll text you when I am" cue the 'in a relationship' update, and them sharing I love yous an hour later(month after we broke up and 2 months after she tried to throw herself off my balcony because I was going to leave her)

     Anyway, for 2 months I've waited for that text. An email, a sign, anything. She's truly moved on, and I'm starting to realize that any sort of contact or news, good or bad is only gonna hurt me. So I had to let go, and save myself. Most of what I was holding onto was hope that maybe she had gained something substantial from this relationship. Something to take away and make her better. That she could show even an ounce of respect to me after all I did for her. After all I taught her. Then maybe I could sleep easy, knowing I made a difference and it wasn't all for nothing.

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Learning_curve74
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« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2013, 07:15:53 AM »

I'm starting to realize that any sort of contact or news, good or bad is only gonna hurt me. So I had to let go, and save myself. Most of what I was holding onto was hope that maybe she had gained something substantial from this relationship. Something to take away and make her better. That she could show even an ounce of respect to me after all I did for her. After all I taught her. Then maybe I could sleep easy, knowing I made a difference and it wasn't all for nothing.

Hey oofta, I know it must hurt to hear nothing from her over the last two months. Especially when other members here sometimes seem to get bombarded with contact from their exes. I myself got one text from ny exBPDgf in four months which had nothing to do about us, so I just ignored it.

I know you hope she got something out of your time together, and objectively she probably did. Everybody gets something out of their relationships, otherwise they wouldn't bother. But as far as lessons and learning, we can't choose that for somebody else. Maybe the person that learned something substantial is you? Maybe this relationship has the potential to have changed something in you in a positive way eventually, but you just can't see it now?

Hang in there. 
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bpdspell
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« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2013, 08:07:40 AM »

Venting on here is an amazingly cathartic outlet and it's life saving.

I don't think there's a person on the leaving board who hasn't experienced holding on to the hope of being that exception when it comes to our ex's. Deep down most of us leave a door cracked, a window open, send off a "misfired" text, obsess over social media….we crave that validation that we mattered to them and we base our self worth on whether they'll come back and fix our broken shattered hearts.

When you love/are attached or toxically bonded to someone it is very difficult to fully walk away. It is a process of disengagment taken in baby steps. Detachment doesn't happen overnight; just like these relationships didn't happen over night.

I was in your shoes. Wearing out my close girlfriend's ears with my confusion, anger, and hurt over my BPDex. At some point it simply becomes unfair to expect our friends (they have their own lives too) to have the capacity to absorb our aired out grievances because at some point we all have to get to the root of why we chose to be with someone so toxic.

Are you seeing a T?

Having a T and posting on here saved my life. I was in a great deal of emotional pain and chasing my tail in circles being avoident about detaching.

As for the Facebook games it helps to simply block them.

Are you completely NC?

Spell
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Changingman
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« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2013, 09:42:58 AM »

Yes oofta04,

All for nothing... .waste of time. Maybe though, if you can spot toxic RSs/people like this it will have some meaning, if it makes you make a positive change in your life, maybe that is the meaning.

BUT the pure disgust i feel for my uBPDxgf is still alive. To do this to another person is evil, they cannot love... .remember they cannot love they stink up every room they are in every RS they enter, each partner an object in their deathly dance.

We are finding our way out of the labyrinth, the monster may show up still around some corner or other as we grope for the exit from this dark place. They have abandoned us inside here, hoping we cannot escape. Stay strong. Think on

______________________________

For fun: what a strange woman this is on Judge Judy... .

www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsQyfLRvD_g
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ThisIsMyNamelol

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« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2013, 10:35:55 AM »

Venting on here is an amazingly cathartic outlet and it's life saving.

I don't think there's a person on the leaving board who hasn't experienced holding on to the hope of being that exception when it comes to our ex's. Deep down most of us leave a door cracked, a window open, send off a "misfired" text, obsess over social media….we crave that validation that we mattered to them and we base our self worth on whether they'll come back and fix our broken shattered hearts.

When you love/are attached or toxically bonded to someone it is very difficult to fully walk away. It is a process of disengagment taken in baby steps. Detachment doesn't happen overnight; just like these relationships didn't happen over night.

I was in your shoes. Wearing out my close girlfriend's ears with my confusion, anger, and hurt over my BPDex. At some point it simply becomes unfair to expect our friends (they have their own lives too) to have the capacity to absorb our aired out grievances because at some point we all have to get to the root of why we chose to be with someone so toxic.

Are you seeing a T?

Having a T and posting on here saved my life. I was in a great deal of emotional pain and chasing my tail in circles being avoident about detaching.

As for the Facebook games it helps to simply block them.

Are you completely NC?

Spell

Yes, 100% NC, I blocked her after that facebook fiasco, and really tried to depersonalize that specific event, though it felt pretty intentional. I saw a T for about a month after the breakup, and felt like I'd gotten all I was gonna get from it. Not to take anything away from it, but it felt like going in circles after a certain point.

I'll never reach out to her, I know that much. I'm lucky compared to some of the people on the board in the fact that I had wanted out of the relationship for months. I still loved her, but I was absolutely miserable. What kept me in was my fear of her suicide.

So, it's not me I'm worried about. I know I'll be fine, and this will make me a much better person. I've never been so motivated in my life. I've been making good progress and great changes. It's a slow process, and don't get me wrong, I'm still grieving. But I know I'm gonna make it out okay.

It's her I worry about. Not that I think I hold the key to her happiness, or that I want to fix her. But so much time was invested in her and I genuinely want to see her succeed and be happy. It's that part I have trouble letting go of. It's scary, I don't want her to be miserable forever.

The longer I'm out, the more I start to realize just how messed up and confused I was towards the end. I look back at myself and just ask, why? I remember in one of our last emails at the end she told me, 'it kills me that you aren't aware how some of your unhealthy actions affect me' and went on to blame me for being suicidal and anorexic and for cutting herself. But under the surface, I didn't realize how HER actions had affected me. The constant jealousy, accusations, mood swings, the needyness, the lies. Her cutting herself in my apartment, telling me she would kill herself if I left. It destroyed me as a person, from the inside out. Yet, I'm the unhealthy one for trying to finally make a friend, and make choices for myself. Call it projecting, I don't know. It's hard for me to believe.

Anyway, the point is, I'm glad I'm out. I know it's better in the long run. As for my friends, I know I can't expect them to listen to this all the time, and I understood and respected it. But it does build up inside, and I need to reach out sometimes.

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bpdspell
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« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2013, 10:47:59 AM »

It's her I worry about. Not that I think I hold the key to her happiness, or that I want to fix her. But so much time was invested in her and I genuinely want to see her succeed and be happy.

That's all well and good but she's lived this long with her mental illness so she doesn't need you to worry about her. Our ex's are GROWN adults and it they wanted help they'd get it.

I understand your compassion but you need to give that same dose of compassion to yourself. Worry about you and your own recovery from the toxic sludge that was this relationship. Reading what I wrote may seem harsh and come off as selfish and self-serving but at some point there will have to be a shift towards your own recovery from the abuse.

You can't be friends with a mentally ill person who blames you for their condition, their actions, their behavior. You can't be friends with someone who lacks integrity and absolves themselves from their own actions. That's not friendship; that's making someone else your footstool.

People with BPD don't want friendships or our "help" they want people who will enable, coddle, and absorb the torment of their pain.

Spell

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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2013, 02:43:10 PM »

She replies "I was madly in love with you and you wrecked me, I have to move on"

She probably tried to love you, but was unable.  She idealized you.  She likely 'loved' you with the love of a 3 year old.   
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ThisIsMyNamelol

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« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2013, 04:52:07 PM »



That's all well and good but she's lived this long with her mental illness so she doesn't need you to worry about her. Our ex's are GROWN adults and it they wanted help they'd get it.

I understand your compassion but you need to give that same dose of compassion to yourself. Worry about you and your own recovery from the toxic sludge that was this relationship. Reading what I wrote may seem harsh and come off as selfish and self-serving but at some point there will have to be a shift towards your own recovery from the abuse.

You can't be friends with a mentally ill person who blames you for their condition, their actions, their behavior. You can't be friends with someone who lacks integrity and absolves themselves from their own actions. That's not friendship; that's making someone else your footstool.

People with BPD don't want friendships or our "help" they want people who will enable, coddle, and absorb the torment of their pain.

Spell

The thing is, I understand and agree with everything you're saying. It just refuses to sink in. The truth behind a relationship pwBPD is so hard for me to accept and move on from. But I'm trying.

I didn't help her because I thought she wanted me to, though. It was a need for her. I bought into her utter helplessness for 2 years, and basically felt like I was raising a child. Never any reciprocation.

You're one of my favorite posters here, and I've gained a lot of insight from you, and genuinely enjoy reading your posts. I really appreciate you pointing me back towards reality.
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« Reply #8 on: November 28, 2013, 04:22:55 AM »

Yes oofta04,

All for nothing... .waste of time. Maybe though, if you can spot toxic RSs/people like this it will have some meaning, if it makes you make a positive change in your life, maybe that is the meaning.

BUT the pure disgust i feel for my uBPDxgf is still alive. To do this to another person is evil, they cannot love... .remember they cannot love they stink up every room they are in every RS they enter, each partner an object in their deathly dance.

We are finding our way out of the labyrinth, the monster may show up still around some corner or other as we grope for the exit from this dark place. They have abandoned us inside here, hoping we cannot escape. Stay strong. Think on

______________________________

Exactly how i feel ... .
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Changingman
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« Reply #9 on: November 28, 2013, 04:38:50 AM »

Yes oofta04,

All for nothing... .waste of time. Maybe though, if you can spot toxic RSs/people like this it will have some meaning, if it makes you make a positive change in your life, maybe that is the meaning.

BUT the pure disgust i feel for my uBPDxgf is still alive. To do this to another person is evil, they cannot love... .remember they cannot love they stink up every room they are in every RS they enter, each partner an object in their deathly dance.

We are finding our way out of the labyrinth, the monster may show up still around some corner or other as we grope for the exit from this dark place. They have abandoned us inside here, hoping we cannot escape. Stay strong. Think on

______________________________

Exactly how i feel ... .

Did you check out the Judge Judy link I put up... .this is Classic BPD/NPD IMO each piece of the story drops into place.

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damage control
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« Reply #10 on: November 28, 2013, 04:53:27 AM »

I just watched it ... .how the hell did that poor guy last 3 years? ... .mine doesn't rage outwards ... so, I m unused to seeing that ... I think he has, but he hides it ... she was a loose unit!
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Changingman
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« Reply #11 on: November 28, 2013, 05:21:33 AM »

I just watched it ... .how the hell did that poor guy last 3 years? ... .mine doesn't rage outwards ... so, I m unused to seeing that ... I think he has, but he hides it ... she was a loose unit!

Read the signs

with a 4 month old Baby, Moved in with this guy  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

No contact with the biological father  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

He found out she was cheating on him (while he was looking after the baby?)   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

He moved out suddenly  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

She pursues him into court, ( abandonment issues )  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

Threatened to get him for child support ( not his kid ),  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

Then demeans him for being a bad baby sitter,  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

She is shocked that she did some stuff for him

( even looked after him when he was sick )

what was i doing what do i get for being a caring person  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

He gets restraining order out on her ,

She says

'in the restraining order he said I was ABUSIVE Idea which is entirely inaccurate'... .Bingo Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

Huge amounts of gaslighting, shaming, projection, being in multiple RSs, abandonment issues even when being the one that destroyed the RS.

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damage control
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« Reply #12 on: November 28, 2013, 01:26:49 PM »

A very insightful list CM:

What struck me is how 'over' her and the situation the guy was ... he was unsurpised at her petulant behaviour and unaffected by it (although perhaps he had just become very good at stonewalling her abuse for his own well-being).

I sometimes wish that my ex had displayed these antagonistic qualities because it would make it easier in some ways to 'see' his pathology ... but he is a WAIF and uses lies, manipulation, cheating, mixed-signals etc in a far ore subtle (yet equally effective) way.
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Changingman
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« Reply #13 on: November 28, 2013, 01:48:21 PM »

A very insightful list CM:

What struck me is how 'over' her and the situation the guy was ... he was unsurpised at her petulant behaviour and unaffected by it (although perhaps he had just become very good at stonewalling her abuse for his own well-being).

I sometimes wish that my ex had displayed these antagonistic qualities because it would make it easier in some ways to 'see' his pathology ... but he is a WAIF and uses lies, manipulation, cheating, mixed-signals etc in a far ore subtle (yet equally effective) way.

So did mine, totally fooled. Only after when the Fog lifted did I see it in its entirety. Some raging but very very subtle manipulative. Down to telling a friend of mine while I was went to the toilet how much she loved me, while cheating on me, knowing the friend would tell me how she loved me... .they are so calculated it's amazing, I don't believe it is instinctive or a part of the disorder they can't control, they know exactly what they are doing
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damage control
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« Reply #14 on: November 28, 2013, 02:02:25 PM »

So did mine, totally fooled. Only after when the Fog lifted did I see it in its entirety. Some raging but very very subtle manipulative. Down to telling a friend of mine while I was went to the toilet how much she loved me, while cheating on me, knowing the friend would tell me how she loved me... .they are so calculated it's amazing, I don't believe it is instinctive or a part of the disorder they can't control, they know exactly what they are doing

Agreed ... they do know what they are doing ... and mine told me 2 nights ago that he has been rageful for the past few weeks (since just before he and I split I think) but there is no SIGN of this ... he rages inwardly - not against himself, he would just never 'stoop' to showing his anger outwardly.

He once said to me, while wanting to achieve something, that he would be his 'usual sly, sneaky self' ... .and it was a point of pride.

I think he/they are aware of the behaviour and sometimes use it consciously ... but the deeper aspects/behaviour ... .that comes from a more reactive place ... .it's instinctual.

I do it myself- I have abandonment issues so, I push potential lovers away, I withdraw into silence and I retreat physically. I don't mean to and I don't realise it at the time, only afterwards. Because each situation/person is unique, I don't recognise it as part of my pattern until afterwards - at the time it feels justified and my only option ... .I feel like I can't breathe and I have to 'get away' from the source of my panic/anxiety ... emotionally and physically ... It looks like manipulation (I'm walking away "if you love me, you will come after me", it talks like manipulation and in a way it is manipulation ... but I am not trying to manipulate at the time ... .It's more like testing.
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Changingman
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« Reply #15 on: November 28, 2013, 02:54:38 PM »

oofta04,

I'm convinced, mine will not recycle me.

I think for a few reasons:

1. I have a solid honour system and she knows I would be completely cold to this.

2. The end was total anialation of me so she could have her new pretend group of friends.

3. The sneaky ones have been recycling you behind your back.

4. The shame she would feel to see me would be too great

5. Now is now, no past

6. I might know what she has
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ThisIsMyNamelol

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« Reply #16 on: November 28, 2013, 04:22:00 PM »

oofta04,

I'm convinced, mine will not recycle me.

I think for a few reasons:

1. I have a solid honour system and she knows I would be completely cold to this.

2. The end was total anialation of me so she could have her new pretend group of friends.

3. The sneaky ones have been recycling you behind your back.

4. The shame she would feel to see me would be too great

5. Now is now, no past

6. I might know what she has

Yeah, I go back and forth on whether she'll ever try to recycle me. I remember when I was the replacement for her EX(who honestly was nothing special) she would still text him here and there. Even after she told me that he raped her and she tried to get him arrested, she texted him about popcorn prices... .really? She eventually stopped though.

So, that's what lead me to believe she would eventually throw out a text, though, my scenario feels so much different. It was so much more explosive at the end. She saw me pulling away and she just fell off the deep end, and went absolutely bananas. She discarded and erased me in no time flat.

I like to think it's because I actually meant something to her. And I actually kept fairly good boundaries throughout the relationship, though she used those to crucify me at the end. Maybe that's just my ego, though, as now I don't even feel like I know that person.

Also, DC, mine was a waif too. Never raged once, til the end. Almost wish she would have, but she knew I wouldn't have put up with it. But, oh, did she know how to manipulate me without me even realizing it. And it's scary how good they are at lying and faking it.
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Changingman
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« Reply #17 on: November 28, 2013, 05:30:10 PM »

A very insightful list CM:

What struck me is how 'over' her and the situation the guy was ... he was unsurpised at her petulant behaviour and unaffected by it (although perhaps he had just become very good at stonewalling her abuse for his own well-being).

I sometimes wish that my ex had displayed these antagonistic qualities because it would make it easier in some ways to 'see' his pathology ... but he is a WAIF and uses lies, manipulation, cheating, mixed-signals etc in a far ore subtle (yet equally effective) way.

I think he was just scared by her, wanted out. We all felt that, just manipulated. He was just scared and rightly.
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