Going back for the kids

[Dr.Me2]

After struggling and going through the hardship, harassments and attacks escalating day by day, I have decided I should come back for my kids even though my uBPDw wants me to stay away and at the same time she is blaming me for being away so long from the kids.

Everyday her emails become evidence she is no going back to baseline as far as I can tell. I know I am going back to submit myself to a worst situation from the situation I left, in other words, there has been no improvement as she is determined to inflict as much pain as possible and making me feel guilty for leaving even know this was at her request.

At this point, I am just seeing her as another kid (emotionally immature) although sometimes her attacks are so pervasive and targeted that has taking quite a toll on myself. I wonder if her cognition has been compromised or not as she seems too perfectly plan each attack and harassment.

This time I have taken some precautions in case the DV gets physical and I am hoping at least she can better control her DV in front of the kids.

The month I have been away I learned a great deal about BPD and myself thanks to all of you.

I am not sure how all this is going to play out, I am determined to get T for myself as I think I have exhausted my bibliotherapy and posting-therapy for now.

If I had known all this before I would never got into this r/s. Yet, I somehow need to do to something for the kids. I just pray I can get the strength I need to endure and try to be a better father for my kids under the circumstances.

Being a lonely child exposed to the rage and disproportionate anger of a pwBPD (abandon child) I gravitate to fly and not fight (even with SET and no JADE) as I know escalation with her is inevitable as long as she does not get T.

They say nothing happens to you unless is for your own good. I am eager to understand this in my own situation as I see no light at the end of this very dark tunnel that seems to have no end.

[ProfDaddy]

Oh man, a 1:30 am post about child, family, and borderline issues.  I have totally been there... .and it sucks.  Troubled, sleepless, alone.  Inigo Montoya would say ":)o you hear that, Fezzik? That is the sound of ultimate suffering." (Princess Bride reference)

Back to a serious note, I am sorry to hear about your suffering and your children's suffering.  Your partner will continue to act out as long as she can get a reaction from you... .any reaction, phone calls, voice mails, email responses, knowing you listened to voice mails, knowing you read email rants... .anything.  The harder you work to establish healthy boundaries the harder she will push back.  Your own unhealthy responses contribute to the cycle.  You are getting something out of watching her from a distance, hoping she will return to baseline.  The cycle is destructive for everyone.  The entanglements are so complex that there isn't a simple fix or a single scapegoat to blame.  A therapist can help you here. 

Your intention to get a T is a good one.  You might also consult with a good family law attorney, in private, no need to EVER mention it to your partner. She will interpret it as a provocation.  Regardless, you need advice and knowledge.  The initial consults with most attorneys are free, so talk to 3 or 4, screening carefully to avoid jerks who play vindictive games in court and don't have experience working with mental illness. 

Anyhow, consider a backup plan other than enduring the emotional roller coaster when you go back for the children.  Long-term, can you see yourself as having primary custody of your children?  If so, then the parent who is in the house with the children often has an easier time getting primary custody.  Work with a good family therapist and an attorney to develop a long-term plan. 

There is light at the end of this tunnel.  You are already approaching it but haven't realized that you have started down the path out of darkness and suffering.  Many of us have been in very similar situations.  Your awareness of the problem, while painful, is the first step in building a better life for you and your children. 

I applaud you for opening your eyes, getting informed, and beginning to understand the situation.  That takes true courage; facing a problem that you contributed to creating and are powerless to fix is tough.  The guilt, shame, remorse, hopelessness, and frustration can be overwhelming.  Those emotions can stop you in your tracks.  When that happens, stop and feel those emotions, let it happen, they won't destroy you and you won't feel them forever.  Stopping in your tracks isn't a sign of weakness.  Give yourself credit for shining a light in the darkness and facing things that are emotionally messy.  Hang in there, you are not the only person on earth with this problem, it will not endure forever, and you are not alone.

Happy Thanksgiving. 

[Surnia]

Hi Dr.Me2

I agree with you, for your kids it will be better with you around.

And good to hear that you started work with a T. 

It will be important in the next weeks and month to be consistent and aware of your own boundaries.

Take care! 

[Dr.Me2]

Thanks ProfDaddy and Surnia,

I am back and spas soon as I arrived she left and said we were finished. I am starting to suspect there is something she does not want me to know or she has a well planned agenda for herself or the illness has gone to a whole new level. Really confused.

I had a good time playing and being with the kids and put them to sleep.

Not sure if she will be back or not, in the meantime trying to keep myself sane through posting. I have been quite sad and depressed about this entire acting out.

Thanks again for your feedback

[ProfDaddy]

Wishing you strength and peace.  Stay consistent for the kids, they are scared.

[Dr.Me2]

She says we are finished and she does not want to talk to me nor me talking to he unless is regarding the kids.

I think now she realizes or is being advised by somebody that DV should not be tolerated period. So she is now replacing DV with NC.

[Surnia]

Could be that she is realizing that DV is and was not to her advantage. Or is it possible that she is avoiding you bc of shame?

How is the situation regarding rooms? Do you have your own space/bedroom? Or is all the NC in the same rooms? 

[Dr.Me2]

I think she is starting to hear that DV will work against her and at the same time a NC will keep her,out of lashing out in rage and the usual escalation. At the same time I thing that the limited ability or capacity to express hersel civily is over.

She did approach me today to inflict pain and harassed me with yet again past incidents that we both agreed were forgiven, apparently not. She is somehow determined to continue to put salt on my wounds whenever she tries to address me with very emotionally charged rage and anger. A new DV variation ?

We are now in different rooms and as long as I can manage the NC without DV I am hoping I can be consistent with the kids and trying hard not to fall into a depression as my productivity and therefore my income as a sole provider has been compromised.

[Surnia]

Are you familiar with our educational material on Staying, the LESSONS?

If you will try to stay for the kids you need to have strong boundaries and some communication skills. I would recommend you some reading.

Surviving confrontation and disrespect

I think it is really important for you that you stay away from any confrontation.

[ProfDaddy]

I'll second what Surina said.  Avoid confrontation.  It will be really difficult to do so.  There were times, when I was where you are, that I just went out to a movie because I was so mad. Came back calmer and was able to cope a while longer.

[Dr.Me2]

I agree with all of you. Avoid confrontation, she does not speak to me anymore and if i speak to her she ignores me.

For now I am going to take one day at a time, although sometimes I feel I am losing my sanity,

Thank you for the links

[Dr.Me2]

Even when no confrontation she continues bringing over and over again an incident where I did not say thank you and she felt said she got by me 3 months ago, I asked forgiveness even though I though this was too dramatic, and yet she can't help but bringing this back over and over.

What is it? She seems to be living in the past negative memories and she can't let go, it is like the only thing she can hold on to are those memories.

Either I am too insensitive or I am dealing with an extreme disorder?

[Surnia]

I can so relate!

My exh did this a lot. Its about right and wrong, no mercy, its difficult to stay cool with it. My guess is, he could not deal with some things in his live, to be imperfect, and he put all toward me.

Its important that you forgave yourself. 

[Dr.Me2]

If the have no identity of self then they act as a mirror of the non. Yet with emotional dysregulation this mirror is quite crooked and does not reflect the true image either.

[Surnia]

One thing I forgot to mention, Me2:

Perhaps the Staying board is for you right now the better place. You will find members there in your shoes - with doubts sometimes and willing to try it out with staying mainly for the kids or some other substantial reasons.