Had a dream (a nightmare?), suffering in silence

[Depression = 72% of members]

Last night I had a dream of my uBPDexgf. It was so vivid. We were in love again, but I kept asking why she does terrible things to me and I was met with the same responses I got in real life - "I don't knows" and silence. I'm hurting today. I wish there was something I could do to end this pain. I wish there was something I could do to stop these thoughts. She was/is bad for me. She isn't a person that will make me happy in the long-term. But I yearn for her again. It's been 4 months NC and things have gotten better, but when I saw her face in the dream it triggered some deep feelings for me. I don't know what she's doing and who's she with and I know it doesn't matter, but I will struggle like this for the rest of my life because I am a person that seeks answers and I met someone who hurt me that's unable to give me answers. I'm trying to find them within myself, but that's all I have - myself. I suffer in silence. My friends and family believe I'm over this, but I'm not even close. Even my therapist steers me away from conversation about her and tries to get me to focus on me, but I can't. I have no one to talk to, except on these boards. With all due respect for you amazing people here at bpdfamily, I am a person who cherishes intimacy in all my relationships and there just isn't a replacement for that on the internet. From the outside looking in, my life appears to be great. It's not. I go along the day just living. I suffer in silence. Is this healthy for me?

[DownandOut]

Last night I had a dream of my uBPDexgf. It was so vivid. We were in love again, but I kept asking why she does terrible things to me and I was met with the same responses I got in real life - "I don't knows" and silence. I'm hurting today. I wish there was something I could do to end this pain. I wish there was something I could do to stop these thoughts. She was/is bad for me. She isn't a person that will make me happy in the long-term. But I yearn for her again. It's been 4 months NC and things have gotten better, but when I saw her face in the dream it triggered some deep feelings for me. I don't know what she's doing and who's she with and I know it doesn't matter, but I will struggle like this for the rest of my life because I am a person that seeks answers and I met someone who hurt me that's unable to give me answers. I'm trying to find them within myself, but that's all I have - myself. I suffer in silence. My friends and family believe I'm over this, but I'm not even close. Even my therapist steers me away from conversation about her and tries to get me to focus on me, but I can't. I have no one to talk to, except on these boards. With all due respect for you amazing people here at bpdfamily, I am a person who cherishes intimacy in all my relationships and there just isn't a replacement for that on the internet. From the outside looking in, my life appears to be great. It's not. I go along the day just living. I suffer in silence. Is this healthy for me?

[Nearlybroken]

I could have written that post :'(.

Like you,I have the same desires for answers and explanations.My frineds and family know nothing of the extent to which I suffer.I am lucky in that my therapist is stilll at the stage where she lets me talk about him... .soon that will stop.It was ironic that my ex was the only person that could give me the solutions that I craved to get closure etc... .and has been the only person in my life that has thrown me away with no real explanations etc.It is awful and isolating.And suffering in silence is not healthy at all.I wish I knew the solution... .but I do find posting on here helps.If only to  purge what I need to and know that there are others in the same situation.I still dream of my ex and he is on my mind 24/7 like some god awful movie that I dont want to watch but can't switch off.Nightmare.All I want to do is talk about things with people... .but even that is unhealthy as I will not get the answers I need.I don't think you ever do with the types of behavioursBPD sufferers exhibit.Sending you a hug .NB.x

[Ironmanrises]

Last night I had a dream of my uBPDexgf. It was so vivid. We were in love again, but I kept asking why she does terrible things to me and I was met with the same responses I got in real life - "I don't knows" and silence. I'm hurting today. I wish there was something I could do to end this pain. I wish there was something I could do to stop these thoughts. She was/is bad for me. She isn't a person that will make me happy in the long-term. But I yearn for her again. It's been 4 months NC and things have gotten better, but when I saw her face in the dream it triggered some deep feelings for me. I don't know what she's doing and who's she with and I know it doesn't matter, but I will struggle like this for the rest of my life because I am a person that seeks answers and I met someone who hurt me that's unable to give me answers. I'm trying to find them within myself, but that's all I have - myself. I suffer in silence. My friends and family believe I'm over this, but I'm not even close. Even my therapist steers me away from conversation about her and tries to get me to focus on me, but I can't. I have no one to talk to, except on these boards. With all due respect for you amazing people here at bpdfamily, I am a person who cherishes intimacy in all my relationships and there just isn't a replacement for that on the internet. From the outside looking in, my life appears to be great. It's not. I go along the day just living. I suffer in silence. Is this healthy for me?

The lack of closure is what really hurts. So your mind, translated in your dream/nightmare, is trying to process that. Almost like your mind is searching for her in that dream/nightmare. I know it hurts. You are trying to find a logical answer and the source of that answer has disappeared. A double betrayal. Vent on here. You know we will hear you. Hang in there.

[heartandwhole]

Even my therapist steers me away from conversation about her and tries to get me to focus on me, but I can't.

You have to.  Eventually you'll have to turn toward yourself.  It's the only place you can find healing.  Two months is not a long time.  Please be gentle with yourself, DownandOut.  All your feelings are normal, given what you've been through.  I know it hurts so much. 

Do you have at least one non-judgemental friend who will give you bear hugs when you need them?  A dose of oxytocin helps, seriously.

I go along the day just living. I suffer in silence.

It was the same for me, literally.  And today I'm in a much better place – to my surprise, even better than before I met pwBPD.  When I was 2 months out, I would have never believed that.

Hang in there.  We're here for you. 

heart

[Octoberfest]

Even my therapist steers me away from conversation about her and tries to get me to focus on me, but I can't.

You have to.  Eventually you'll have to turn toward yourself.  It's the only place you can find healing.  Two months is not a long time.  Please be gentle with yourself, DownandOut.  All your feelings are normal, given what you've been through.  I know it hurts so much. 

Do you have at least one non-judgemental friend who will give you bear hugs when you need them?  A dose of oxytocin helps, seriously.

I go along the day just living. I suffer in silence.

It was the same for me, literally.  And today I'm in a much better place – to my surprise, even better than before I met pwBPD.  When I was 2 months out, I would have never believed that.

Hang in there.  We're here for you. 

heart

This is the truth... .and if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.  For pwBPD, it is oftentimes simply too painful to look within and focus on themselves.  So they run and look to others to make themselves feel better, avoiding the overarching problems. What does it get them? A lifetime of running and hurt.  The ability and willingness to look within is one of the thing that distinguishes us from them as Non's.  It hurts... .but it is finite.  Whereas their strategy of continually running and slapping cheap bandaids on the wounds in the way of relationships and other maladaptive coping strategies leads to a lifetime of distress. 

It is uncomfortable, because we are often scared and ashamed of what we might find.  But it is the only way through.

[DownandOut]

Thank you for all your responses. The pain is great and I wish there was something I could do to stop these obsessive thoughts. I am coping, but that's about it. I know one day things will be better, but today, this week I feel terrible. I'll get through it. I hope.

[Perfidy]

DnO... .I see my own self in what you wrote when you posted this thread. Last night I had a dream that "the nameless one" was in. I was lamenting to someone that I trust with my innermost self about the very things that you spoke of almost verbatim. The similarities are so close that I thought I had written this. Get out of my head. The emptiness of the Internet came up... .I told her that my life was like imaginary and that using the Internet was like having phantoms for company. Like watching shadows on the wall. I'm so remote right now I'm glad I have at least that.

You are not alone in this. There is a whole community of us. I spoke with a counselor for about an hour last night. Told her exactly how you and I both feel. She told me about the here and now, about how I am living in the past. She is right. My here and now doesn't include my past relationships. I was having a bad day. I have had a few days where I felt really good but yesterday wasnt one of them. This detachment and healing hasn't been anything but a struggle for me. I haven't had many dreams about her. I did last night. It was most likely triggered by her attempting to contact me the day before thanksgiving. I told her in May of this year that I didn't want contact with her. Since then she has tried twice to contact me. I did not respond. I am friends with three of my ex girlfriends. Two of them fairly close. Not her though. She isn't exactly friend material. I will not speak to her again in this lifetime. Her deceit was monumental. With friends like that who needs enemies.

I am getting better. It's slow and nonlinear. Each good day that I have seems to be better than the last. I just wish there were more of them. I know there will be. I know the further behind me I put this the more I will be able to live in the now. I know you will too.