Trying to pick myself up and fight the madness

[Nearlybroken]

Yesterday I found out a few things.My "replacement" is not some casual date.She has been with him since before we split.Blissfully unaware of my existence.A mutual friend told me there were pictures of him on social media with her and her daughter and my friend (who is her friend) contacted her to find somethings out.They have been together for ages and of course he has painted me black with a series of utter untruths.I was unaware that my friend had spoken to her until my ex turned up to collect our dogs from our house.He was RAGING (as he always does when he is caught out in a lie) and demanded to know why I had made my friend speak to his girlfriend.It's always down to me of course.I told him (which was the truth) that I had no idea what he was talking about.So he says the following:"You are a lunatic NB.You control people with your sick sick mind.A (this woman) gives me what you can't.And do you know what that is?The chance to be a father figure.Her daughter is the same age our daughter would have been if you had not been such a **** example of womanhood that you couldnt even be bothered to keep her alive.So don't blame me for seeking out happiness.A is nice and funny.You ruined us when I became ill by  all of your explanations and analysis.You took the fun out of things.Not me.And you have continued to harass me and play with my mind.You are a sarcastic spiteful **** that takes pleasure in the distress of others.Do't contact me again.Ever.I will tell everyone the truth".

Then there was the usual shouting and abuse.I said not one word in response.He re-wrote history, twisted things so all was my fault.At the end of his rage I simply said "Though this will kill me I think you should keep the dogs full time.Everytime you drop them off we go through this so I will say bye to them now.Obviously,I started to cry as I knew that I would probably not see my dogs again.But I had to make that decision to prevent any more destructive rages.

"Oh that will be right"he said."get bored with the dogs in the same way you got bored with our daughter".Lots more of the usual BPD ranting then he left.Obviously I was left in floods of tears thinking about my daughter and my dogs.But the worst was yet to come... .texts to my friends telling them the "truth" about the loss of our daughter.He actually texted people to say that I had thrown myself down the stairs in order to ensure I killed my unborn child and that they should be aware I am a vile individual.

Who could do that?Who could be so evil as to lie about the circumstances of a still birth?Who could criticise someone for losing a child?How do I function in the face of such lies?I am aware that he has painted me black to his family as some of them no longer speak to me but I never ever assumed he could sink so low as to use our daughter in his sick rages.I will never find out what he has said but living with the pain of thinking he has told his family that I caused the loss of my daughter is killing me.I feel sick to my core and utterly destroyed and isolated.I cannot express the pain I am in at the minute.I am shaking and I feel sick.

I tried for so many months to explain my feelings, to counter his utterly inaccurate views and words with logic and truth yet every effort was twisted into something sinister.Every explanation was turned into me being a bad person.I swear I will never be able to get over this.

He leaves smiling.Sat outside our house chatting and laughing on the phone as I watched him from the window.Crying.

His lies, his twisted views,his painting me black,his anger.He thinks all of this is acceptable.Only when it comes to me.To everyone else he is lovely.That is what I struggle with the most.The deliberate targetting of me.I have tried to pick myself up and counter the madness but it is all too much for me.And I still have this desire just to sit and sort things out.Why would I still have that?I am disguted in myself for my weakness.Absolutely disgusted in myself.NB.x

[patientandclear]

Hi NB -- I'm struggling too but not with nearly as good a provocation as you.   

A couple of things are very clear to me.

He is really mentally ill.  He does really seem to feel that your stillbirth was something you did to him, against him, that caused him hurt and loss -- and not just because of your daughter, but it seems he experiences it as a loss between the two of you (which of course it was).

He is sad.  His reaction to it is extraordinarily messed up.

Even though he is going to elaborate lengths to set up and tell another story, about A being happy and funny and so on, he is also sad about the demise of your r/s.  He's dealing with that in incredibly destructive, hostile, counterproductive ways.  But I think it's evident that he's sad about you.  He's quite focused on you still.

So the answer to the question "how can someone do this?" seems to be that he isn't capable of dealing with pain, loss, real life, sadness, within a loving r/s.  The r/s is supposed to deliver happiness and it is defective if it cannot.

That obviously isn't going to get him very far in relationships with anyone.

He failed YOU, NB.  He continues to.  You suffered great loss and your partner not only failed to take care of your hurts, but imposes his own on you in a really vicious projection cycle.

But this is happening not because you aren't worth his caring, and others are -- it's happening because he cannot process intense caring in a functional, comprehensible way.  It gets all twisted up.

I am so sorry.

[Ironmanrises]

I am so sorry he projected all of his own failings onto you. That was really hard to read, my eyes welled up. And the fact that he actually believes those projections, is a reflection of how distorted his view really is. I know how hurtful it was to stand there and absorb all of that. It reminds me of what i experienced too, when mine projected all of her distortions on me and believed them as such on top of that. It leaves you wondering, how can you defend against that? Just know your words have been heard NB. We are here for you. Hang in there. 

[Waifed]

I am so sorry he projected all of his own failings onto you. That was really hard to read, my eyes welled up. And the fact that he actually believes those projections, is a reflection of how distorted his view really is. I know how hurtful it was to stand there and absorb all of that. It reminds me of what i experienced too, when mine projected all of her distortions on me and believed them as such on top of that. It leaves you wondering, how can you defend against that? Just know your words have been heard NB. We are here for you. Hang in there.  

My ex wife (not BPD) and I lost a full term daughter during childbirth September 3, 2003 due to a staff infection that my wife caught during the days/hours prior to going into labor.  The child died during delivery.  I can not put into words what a total piece of ___ your ex is.  He is a sick b*stard who deserves every bit of pain he will endure the rest of his life.  You have a life to look forward to.  He will be stuck in this merry go round of insanity with different victims for the rest of his life.  

Unfortunately he feels the need to spread lies about you to all the people you guys are/were associated with.  He may have rewritten the truth in his mind to protect himself but, I am not so sure he doesn't know the truth and that is why he is lying.  They will do almost anything to hide the fact that they are mentally ill.  The best thing to do is to get away from him and stay away.  Remember moments like the one you described, write them down and refer back to them every time you get weak.  You deserve to be happy.  You emptied yourself onto him.  It wasn't enough.  It never will be for you or his next victim, or the next and so on.  Keep you head up and keep working on yourself.  You deserve so much better than an emotional abuser who doesn't have an ounce of sympathy.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Dear NB,

I was shocked to read this story.   Death of a child is itself very hard on r/s enough without the projected blame from your expwBPD.  My dear, there is no blame for a stillborn child.  It just is.  I am so empathetic to your loss of your child.

As for the ex, you are unfortunately experiencing the same type of interactions that seems to be the hallmark sign of pwPBD:  Getting into another relationship prematurely, continued attempts at reengaging, attempts to isolate you, and being painted black (or white, too).  The book is wide open for you so see through your new eyes of understanding your old r/s.  

The fact that you are suffering and that he is not is yet another example of the r/s.  It may sound weird, but you are acting normally!  He is not.   Healthy humans are supposed to grieve when they suffer a loss.   Your crying is your healthy way to deal with the loss.  And your anger is there to help you.  Yes, anger can be healthy.  It's part of the process of detaching yourself from the loss!  Use it.  You should be angry!

I'm concerned about the disgust you feel about your so-called weakness.  You've directed it to yourself.  You are not weak!   You are simply experiencing loss in a healthy way.  Self-doubt is part of that.  Your ex doesn't show self-doubt.   He is all about keeping the actual truth about himself:  self-loathing, shame, guilt and distrustfulness consume him.  He is unable to acknowledge this to himself.  It's actually very sad for pwBPD, they know not what hurts them!  Tragic really, because the pain they inflict in their r/s seems to continue in each r/s.

Like all of us, work through your pain and disgust with a therapist, reengage with trusted family and friends.  Turn your kind and caring side to you!  Take care of yourself!  :)etach from this r/s and get back to the person of care that you so obviously are!

And we are here with you as well.  We understand and empathize with your pain and loss.  We got your back!

Take wing!

D

Yesterday I found out a few things.My "replacement" is not some casual date.She has been with him since before we split.Blissfully unaware of my existence.A mutual friend told me there were pictures of him on social media with her and her daughter and my friend (who is her friend) contacted her to find somethings out.They have been together for ages and of course he has painted me black with a series of utter untruths.I was unaware that my friend had spoken to her until my ex turned up to collect our dogs from our house.He was RAGING (as he always does when he is caught out in a lie) and demanded to know why I had made my friend speak to his girlfriend.It's always down to me of course.I told him (which was the truth) that I had no idea what he was talking about.So he says the following:"You are a lunatic NB.You control people with your sick sick mind.A (this woman) gives me what you can't.And do you know what that is?The chance to be a father figure.Her daughter is the same age our daughter would have been if you had not been such a **** example of womanhood that you couldnt even be bothered to keep her alive.So don't blame me for seeking out happiness.A is nice and funny.You ruined us when I became ill by  all of your explanations and analysis.You took the fun out of things.Not me.And you have continued to harass me and play with my mind.You are a sarcastic spiteful **** that takes pleasure in the distress of others.Do't contact me again.Ever.I will tell everyone the truth".

Then there was the usual shouting and abuse.I said not one word in response.He re-wrote history, twisted things so all was my fault.At the end of his rage I simply said "Though this will kill me I think you should keep the dogs full time.Everytime you drop them off we go through this so I will say bye to them now.Obviously,I started to cry as I knew that I would probably not see my dogs again.But I had to make that decision to prevent any more destructive rages.

"Oh that will be right"he said."get bored with the dogs in the same way you got bored with our daughter".Lots more of the usual BPD ranting then he left.Obviously I was left in floods of tears thinking about my daughter and my dogs.But the worst was yet to come... .texts to my friends telling them the "truth" about the loss of our daughter.He actually texted people to say that I had thrown myself down the stairs in order to ensure I killed my unborn child and that they should be aware I am a vile individual.

Who could do that?Who could be so evil as to lie about the circumstances of a still birth?Who could criticise someone for losing a child?How do I function in the face of such lies?I am aware that he has painted me black to his family as some of them no longer speak to me but I never ever assumed he could sink so low as to use our daughter in his sick rages.I will never find out what he has said but living with the pain of thinking he has told his family that I caused the loss of my daughter is killing me.I feel sick to my core and utterly destroyed and isolated.I cannot express the pain I am in at the minute.I am shaking and I feel sick.

I tried for so many months to explain my feelings, to counter his utterly inaccurate views and words with logic and truth yet every effort was twisted into something sinister.Every explanation was turned into me being a bad person.I swear I will never be able to get over this.

He leaves smiling.Sat outside our house chatting and laughing on the phone as I watched him from the window.Crying.

His lies, his twisted views,his painting me black,his anger.He thinks all of this is acceptable.Only when it comes to me.To everyone else he is lovely.That is what I struggle with the most.The deliberate targetting of me.I have tried to pick myself up and counter the madness but it is all too much for me.And I still have this desire just to sit and sort things out.Why would I still have that?I am disguted in myself for my weakness.Absolutely disgusted in myself.NB.x

[DownandOut]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that type of person. He is a disgusting human being and certainly deserves any pain he might endure in the future. It never ceases to amaze me how cruel and dysfunctional these disordered humans can be. I don't even know what to say to you that could even help heal the trauma this POS has caused you. Know that we are here for you though.

[necchi]

I feel You, this makes me so sad and i can relate believe me on how they can nonchalantly use the most profound ways to hurt and yet even if they end up after a while apologizing it makes no sense or difference because there is no true fondness in it. If i would be a believer, i would conclude that they have no souls

those words hurts to our core and i realy hope that he his suffering inside even if it might not show

[GreenMango]

And I still have this desire just to sit and sort things out.Why would I still have that?

It doesn't help that he keeps showing up to rage at you and do totally inappropriate things.  Even if you were still in this relationship its not advisable to engage with the person when thy are like this - abusive.  You can't have a reasonable conversation bc nothing you say is going to matter it isn't about resolving its about him projecting.  He can't project if you aren't there to be screen to project upon.

NB he's obviously very ill.  It's gotten to the point though where you might need to exert your boundaries.

Let me be clear because often in dysfunctional relationships we can lose the "normal" or "appropriate" gauge.  His behavior is totally inappropriate.  He's going to keep using you as his emotional punching bag as long as you are available.  Can you make yourself less available? 

Considering the car incident and the last email he's ramping up.  In no way is it appropriate for him to come and verbally assault you like this.  Have you considered calling the police about this to keep him away?  He has forfeited all rights to access to you with his behavior.  I might consider exploring a restraining order for his harassment.  :)o you have a counselor?

Ps you don't deserve any of this.  He was cruel - people with BPD can have poor boundaries and will continue to push and take as much as they can when they are losing it.  He is very ill.

[RecycledNoMore]

NB

Your ex is a nut, he rolled down a hill for farks sake,and im betting thats just the tip of the BPD iceberg.Im am incensed at his utterly disgusting behavior toward you, this man is mentally ill, stating the obvious I know, our stories are so similar, my uBPDx said the same thing when I miscarried.Im so sorry NB, please dont blame yourself, you are not weak for loving this manchild.At least you can love.

The despicable behavior he has shown you, will be repeated yet again with your replacement, cold comfort, its time for you to start to love yourself as much as you did him, you deserve love NB, is NC an option for you? :'(

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you all for your kind words.I can honestly say that if I did not have the empathy and support of those on this forum I would have gone mad.It is nice to be listened to.It is nice to be believed.

I have resisted formal police involvement because it would have massive consequences for both of us due to the work that we do( can expand on this via private message to anyone interested... .this aspect would make a great post in itself but alas I cannot air here).I do have support via my work and have a therapist.

My daughter died 2 weeks before due date."Just one of those things" is what I was told by those who looked after me.I was induced and gave birth to a beautiful  little girl.The birth was awful for me and I did not react well once she was born.I think I have detailed in an earlier post the way my ex has mocked my behaviour during and after the birth.

For a long time I stupidly thought that if I could address his behaviour and views with calm explanation then he would accept the truth and understand I was not a bad person.It took some time for the BPD diagnosis to be made and after he was diagnosed I realised that I had handled his disorder in all of the wrong ways.Even after I still continued to deal with things wrongly.Then I went too far in "accepting" he would behave as he did because of the BPD.I became a martyr to the BPD.At the latter end of the relationship I actually had to ask him for permission to speak.Eggshells not in it.

Though I have always been aware that his behaviour has been unacceptable and abusive it has been hard for me to process the concept that it was only directed at me ( though now I see the same patterns in earlier relationships).His behaviour made me paranoid.Even now, if someone does not respond to a text etc I worry that they have been told something bad about me by him.It is awful.Because we have so many mutual friends and work colleagues I found it hard to tell people what was happening.Of those I have told two have betrayed me by speaking to him behind my back.I have no trust left.In anyone.I have told noone of the extent of his behaviour so everyone treats him as they did before.I feel like life goes on for everyone with me simply removed from the equation.

I have never had to deal with rages,FB blocking,deletion of photographs,ripping up/burning of letters cards and gifts.I have never had to deal with someone undermining me or calling me names.I have never had to deal with someone who finds it amusing to watch me in pain (he has admitted this to me).Before I met him I had never had an argument with anyone... .I try to live my life as peacefully as possible.So all of this has hit me like a truck.I actually feel physical pain.

He is in therapy and he tells me that his therapist says I am the cause of everything.That I bully him,that I project and reverse project on him.I don't understand most of what he says as I am not familiar with the concepts.He says I get it wrong all of the time but he pushes me into the "wrong" reaction by giving me half stories and inviting me to guess the rest.When I put the wrong interpretation on things (easy to do as he makes everything "wrong" I suffer.Massively.

I loved him very much and thought he loved me enough to see my views.He didn't.I now know it was all a lie.It was all abuse.I just have to accept that it is not me... .it's him.Hard to do and even harder when he had such a desire for privacy and would react badly if he thought I had breached that that I fear telling the truth to people.God,BPD is awful.I think I would rather have it than be a non of the receiving end.

I am taking steps to go NC (not seeing the dogs etc) but I feel so lonely.I know now that this is because I made "us" all about him and did everything he wanted me to do.It's strange when you lived with someone to suddenly have them not there but have all of the reminders.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.I do hope I can find a little strength to get through it.

Thank you all once more for your advice and understanding.It makes me feel a lot less "alone" in this injustice.NB.xx

[love4meNOTu]

Hi... .

I am so sorry for the loss of your child, two weeks before you were due. As a mother, I feel your pain.

I would like to comment about your x (as I try to resist vomiting) who is very sick. He is projecting everything he feels upon you, and blaming you for everything wrong in his life.

He does this because he cannot admit that it is him. It's the only way he can survive. To admit that he was wrong, or hurt someone, or was devastated about the loss of the child (who essentially abandoned him) would be to devalue himself.

If he does that, devalues himself, he will split himself black. Just like he is doing with you.

If he splits himself black, he will become suicidal. And their ego will not permit it.

Please do everything in your power to protect yourself from him. Short term pain... .in order to avoid long term pain. And it will be long term pain if you stay in it. You will go down the same path with him, when you are deserving of so much more. I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but you have to accept that it is not you.

He was sick long before you, and will be sick long after. This is not ON YOU.

God bless,

L

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you... .I just feel like such a mess at the moment.And, silly though it sounds,I miss our old life.The life we had before all of this mental illness.Even though now I know that this would have happened at some point,hat he would be unable to keep up the facade of normality,that our old life was in fact a false life... .I still miss it.Though now I know that it is a typical trait of those with BPD,I was totally taken in by the sheer adoration he showed me initially.I honestly thought I had met my life partner.If anyone had told me that he would be capable of such calculated abuse I would have laughed at them.But he has gone from "ticking all the boxes" of my ideal man to "ticking all of the boxes" of BPD/abuser.I try so hard to accept his behaviour is down to the BPD and not me but I find it difficult not to take what he says personally and question myself.He has ruined my life.What I cannot understand is that he would use our daughter.OUR child to hurt me.I could vomit when I think of the abuse I have taken from him and just accepted... .never fought back,never more than weakly asked him to "please understand" or "let me explain".I know there is something wrong with me as I spent too long allowing myself to be abused and trying just to make things better.Where was my pride?Where was my backbone?As my therapist says"Where were you in all of this?".She right,I have disappeared.And I worry that I won't be able to come back.Awful,awful,awful.NB.xx

[love4meNOTu]

I know sweetie.

That's exactly what happened to me.

EXACTLY

Will you find yourself again? Yes, but it takes work. I'm in weekly therapy, attending church, read about my own recovery... .NOT HIS... .and do nice things for me.

That person we knew, in the beginning, is gone. That person will never come back, because it was false. It was a mirror of you... you essentially fell in love with yourself.

And you will again, if you allow yourself. But this time it will be real, not a mirror image.

[maxen]

hi NB. i'm joining everyone else in giving you my complete sympathy. you've lived through a horror. 

neither you nor anyone deserves a single bit of what was done to you. it is pretty clear that he's very disturbed and while remembering that won't now ease the pain of what happened, it may later on help you to recover.

It is nice to be listened to.It is nice to be believed.

it's the best feeling in the world. lots of us here have been the subject of the lies, partial truth, and slanders that come with BPD. i have. you're among friends now.