When I first told my ex I liked her she was sheepish. almost shy like a little child. She used to have a picture on her fridge of her as a wee one. Same look, sheepish and bashful.
She looked at me like I was so amazing. Just love, love, love.
I don't think she looked at me like that after awhile. She stopped looking at me like that. Then it became very controlling.
It's funny how our relationship changed. I do love her but I am not sure if I loved the part of me she was mirroring or if I really loved HER? I am not sure who she really is.
EA, even after 4 months on these boards i'm still blown away at the uncanny similarities in our stories as a group. it's especially weird b/c to be DX'ed BPD one must meet 5 of the 9 criteria, leading to a possible 256 manifestations of the disorder. yet, we don't read about 256 different manifestations! it's seems mostly the same one over and over, with only slight variations.
in bold,
She looked at me like I was so amazing. Just love, love, love. ~ yes yes and more yes. i can't help but ask myself if i am that shallow of a person. what was it abt the way she looked at me that was so d*mned alluring? she was, for me (in the idealization phase), the perfect mix of woman/child, feminine/tomboy, serious/playful, etc. i was mesmerized by her. i was truly addicted to her. obsessed i guess you'd say. she said we were soulmates and she started to actually convince me of it. and then she shattered my heart into a million pieces. now? <sigh> i'm actually physically sickened when i think about it all... .
trying to have a r/s with a disordered person is ridiculously impossible and i almost lost everything... .it's no exaggeration to say i barely escaped alive... .sometimes barely kept myself alive in this aftermath. closure? i don't need it anymore! it's small fry compared to trying to just recover from the hellhole i went to with/because of her.
sorry if this turned to rant... .still trying so hard to process the whole damn 4 year experience.
Yes UCME
4 years like me. I'll be honest I'm amazed at my strength, to carry this horror. I didn't know BPD existed the whole time with her/it.
Nearly 5 months out. Listen to that phrase! Out of the asylum?
Like you I almost died/killed/mental breakdown/sexually destroyed/financially kaput/trust issues/depression/
4 years? It was like being in some dark horror story. My ex didn't cut but had blood running down her often, no suicide threats but drinking till dangerously destroyed, didn't know she was cheating but called sex... .therapy.
When I met her she was having sex with a to be father whose wife was 7 months preGnant! I assumed he was a s*** and using her, ha, she was poisoning his and the babies life.
Her best / only friend is the one recycling me. He has something, maybe the same. Her old boyfriend from 11 years ago ( 1 year, cheated 4 times on him, 1 termination, she can't have children but gets pregnant a lot )
I'm just in awe at this condition, so serious, so dangerous. Lord help us
.
Closure?
I'm with you, that is 0 to me, moving countries would be better.
Scares the s*** out of me that they are out there.
Closure?
Pandora is out of her box.
