Not about to 'slip' exactly ...

[damage control]

I had an extremely adrenaline-fuelled day at work and went shopping to try and work some of it off - didn't help.

I was fully aware that I was putting off coming home as Fridays and Saturdays are when I need to (re)face my ex going off to stay with my replacement and, I am still not over that hump yet.

I am home now, and so is he. His door is closed shut which means he is on Skype with some woman ... and I have had a few drinks already to try and counter the buzzing from work (I am currently working in live TV and it's par for the course).

Thing is ... .I still FEEL the same as I have been posting - over it, over him, over feeling like crap ... but, come the weekend and it hurts a little all over again ... just posting to stop myself from being available should he come outside or, worse, going to him ... I am desperately fighting the urge to go and just lie down with him and have him hold me ... oh vodka ... Satan is thy name.

[RecycledNoMore]

You really need to move, how bout Tazzie , in all seriousness, how bout go out, go see a friend, catch a movie?

Youve made it so far, and I know how hard it must be for you, knowing hes there, geez I couldnt do it, he would just start using you again, and you would end up back at square 1.

[waver]

Hello damage control, stay strong!

The vodka is blessing and cruel at the same time... .I know it.   

I'm walking in your shoes... .

I send you a hug 

[love4meNOTu]

I had to stay away from all depressants during that time when my x was still in my home but in a separate bedroom. I did not want to take the chance that I'd slip, and say something that let him know my plan to get him out of my home, my life and my children's lives.

It just wasn't worth the risk.

L

[damage control]

Thank you all for your responses ... .

Recycled ... I'm not really at the 'visiting' stage with my very new friends as yet ... .as for Tazzie ... well ... .I'm desperate, not insane ... hehe ...

TY for the hug Waver ... much needed and appreciated

Love4me ... there is no life or death here ... just ego and control

[damage control]

Well ... I failed.

He came outside (I know he would) and I was just drunk enough to not care about any of it anymore ...

We talked - not personal stuff, well, he helped me get a splinter out of my finger but we talked about work etc ... .he asked my advice about helping his parents choose a flatscreen TV ... he also made reference to making dinner tomorrow night (yes, we did play this game last weekend) and then ...

After an hour or so ... .he put on a youtube vid we had been discussing (I had my laptop outside) ... about half an hour later, he said he was going inside to follow my advice about looking up the TV for his parents ... .

Thing is ... I looked and he was online at the dating site I know he frequents

Am I THAT repugnant that he has to run off and trawl dating websites? What the heck? ... .

[patientandclear]

NB, first, don't waste energy judging yourself.  This is a process and almost all of us have to really confirm what we are dealing with by dealing with it, before we can be sure enough of our reactions to step aside with confidence that it is the right decision.

Second, his way of dealing with you isn't about "value."  ("Am I that repugnant ... .?"  It's about the way he uses connection to other human beings.  He isn't looking for the person who will be so valuable that he can stop triangulating.  He doesn't want to stop and he isn't going to stop.  Triangulating is his point of maximum rewarding input and safety and enjoyment.  Because he likes and enjoys being with you and feels close to you, he can go off and fantasize about women on that site whom he doesn't know, and maybe have sex with that other woman he spends some weekends with.  He's nicely compartmentalized everything so no one is too dangerous or can get too close or invade him or harm him.  This works for him.  You're perfect -- but the slot is a limited one.  I play this role in my ex's life too.  (In our case it's with our mutual agreement to be friends, I spent almost a year in complete NC to be in a place where that felt like something that would add to my life rather than hurt, it's respectful and explicit ... .it's still hard as all get out though.)

I read this article on pathological triangulation when I saw it referenced in some of 2010's posts.  

[damage control]

P+C:

I was/am aware of his need to triangulate -well ... .I was/am aware that the dynamic he has set up was to have me be the 'parent' whom he defies/has secrets from ... .that it his erotic kick ... .he needs the lie/s to feel safe and to feel that he is in control.

My bad (or one of them) was becoming the primary in his life and then  becoming part of his day-to-day ... .while I wasn't here, he could subvert me by interacting with other women online - and so, keep me around in a sexual way because he was subverting 'them' via me ("I may be talking to you on the internet and pretending that I find you incredibly interesting/attractive, but the truth is that I have a primary person in my life and I am not going to tell you [or her] about you and I" ... .it was perfect for him ... I now know that he spent the last couple of months before I came here doing exactly that ... .what a prince.

You are exactly right about the compartmentalisation and I KNEW this ... .I sensed it recently and the dynamic became very clear - I also knew that once I removed myself from the dynamic, my replacement would quickly bear the brunt of this pathology. In fact, his presence on the dating site this week has increased exponentially with my withdrawal from him ... .

However ... I was thrown by his sudden removal of himself last night to run to the dating site ... .I was floored when I checked and saw him there ... even understanding the dynamic, it still seemed a bit of a literal and primal response to an hour of very innocent (well ... mundane is perhaps a better word) conversation ... .generalised reactions I can understand but this seemed so-much-more ... .this was so determined and  ... .I guess ... .calculated. I was blown away by it.

I am not angry with myself for 'slipping' ... .I was vulnerable due to it being Friday (I am still nursing myself through these (re)abandonment issues every weekend that he goes to see the replacement ... .I re-live it every time) and I increased my vulnerability with drinking.

I do know that I wouldn't have gone looking for him or knocking on his door or anything of that nature, I 'allowed' him my company, but I didn't seek his ... nor would I have. And to be honest, I wasn't at all 'thrilled' or 'happy' to spend time with him as i have been in the past ... .I am detaching from him as a person ... .it's just the sex that is still holding me around (well, the need/want, not actual sex obviously).

I think my (in)ability to let go of the sex is tied to my own 'daddy'/abandonment issues and not about him per se  ... .he managed to tap into something that very few ever have and not only that, due to the distance periods, that also had to be verbalised and/or written ... .given that he is incredibly articulate in his writing ... .this was powerfully potent for me - and still is. So, I understand that for me this is like 'daddy' being seduced away all over again ... .hence, I understand that this is very much about my desire to re-seduce him back ... which is never going to happen due to his emotional bankruptcy and ability to detach from feelings/need to run from anyone getting too close ... .but also, my need to have that happen ... to repeat my own little trauma I guess.

Geez Louise, what a long post ... possibly with little central meaning ... but witnessing first-hand this dynamic play out in what was only a short temporal window was utterly fascinating, terrifying and humiliating all at the same time.

I am going to end with a confession ... mainly because this may all sound like I am in some way enlightened and moving forward with said knowledge ad this is notnecessarily the case, or, the whole case:

I am amusing/tempting myself with the idea that I am able to 'play' with this man and his pathologies/patterns. In recognising and understanding how and why he works the way he does, I could be Machiavellian. So, my self-awareness is far from pure ... .I am harbouring some dark thoughts.

Thank you again for taking the time to articulate a complex situation with your wisdom, empathy and support.

[Waifed]

Damage Control

Be careful with thoughts of playing with him. His mind works differently than yours and trying to mess with an illogical mind can backfire.

[damage control]

Waifed:

I get that but as he is a WAIF ... .well ... the danger isn't as profound as for those who have ex's prone to rages.

I am allowing the thoughts ... .I need to let them through and perhaps, as hypotheticals, it may even be healthy ... .I see so many of his buttons now... it's difficult to resist the urge to push one and watch the explosion ... .

I'm a hitty person, I know ... but oh how sweet some revenge would be.