This really is difficult

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It really is hard.

You feel like you're past it and it's all behind you and then one comment and you're back to the drawing board. It's so frustrating.

I guess that's why there's a whole website about this though.

[santa]

It really is hard.

You feel like you're past it and it's all behind you and then one comment and you're back to the drawing board. It's so frustrating.

I guess that's why there's a whole website about this though.

[Ironmanrises]

As in the movie the Matrix, I sometimes wonder if it were better to have taken the pill to return to the Matrix and not seen the "real" world. In this case, the BPD. Unhealthy I know. Ignorance is bliss though. I have seen far too much that I wish I never saw. You can no longer un-see what was once seen.

[santa]

As in the movie the Matrix, I sometimes wonder if it were better to have taken the pill to return to the Matrix and not seen the "real" world. In this case, the BPD. Unhealthy I know. Ignorance is bliss though. I have seen far too much that I wish I never saw. You can no longer un-see what was once seen.

You got that right.

[Surnia]

  santa

perhaps you can tell us a bit more what happened?

[santa]

 santa

perhaps you can tell us a bit more what happened?

It's a pretty long story. 4 year relationship. Started pretty well. Then she started showing pretty bad signs of crazy. She was diagnosed bipolar and taking lithium. I couldn't tell if it was working or not because I'd only known her for a short time. She drank a lot while she was taking it. Got pretty violent toward me. It was kind of a once a week thing for awhile. I'd never tried to defend myself, so she was punching me in the throat and pushing me through windows and stuff. Then the next morning it was like nothing ever happened. I can't believe I actually went along with all that. I'd never dealt with mental illness before. I don't know if I was blaming the alcohol or making excuses for her or what. Anyway, she was a mess. The security in my building had her taken out the mental institution a couple of times (she blamed me and said I sent her there) for various incidents. She was basically out of control. I broke up with her several times. She'd come back and pick the lock to my apartment. I should have just filed for a restraining order.

About 10 months in, she had me arrested for domestic violence. The police report was a wild fabrication. It was so out there, I can't believe anyone took it seriously. Anyway, so after she did that, I was trapped with her. She basically held me in the relationship by blackmailing me about whether or not she would testify or drop the charges. It was pretty stressful. Then about 6 months later, she became pregnant (even though she said she was on the pill).

While she was pregnant, she was actually pretty pleasant compared to usual. She stopped drinking and taking lithium and was a really sweet girl most of the time. Our relationship started going well. Then she had the baby and we were pretty good parents for awhile. While she was breast feeding, she was still fairly pleasant.

About 6 months after giving birth, she stopped breastfeeding. I guess it took awhile for her hormones to go back to normal because about 5 or 6 months after she stopped breastfeeding, she was a total lunatic again. Drinking and getting arrested for DUI and stuff (not with the baby in the car).

So, at that point, I asked her to do joint custody in writing just in case anything happened with her legal problems. She claimed I was trying to steal her baby, even though that's a completely irrational response to asking for joint custody. Anyway, she took our kid and went to go visit her dad 400 miles away. It was weird because she was hugging and kissing me as she left and wanted me to go with her. I couldn't. Anyway, I think she has a problem with object constancy because after about a week, she decided she was staying there and hated me and I'm such a terrible person, so I've basically been painted black now. She says I can't spend any time with our daughter until I sign a custody agreement (ironic). I've already signed and mailed 2 to her that her lawyer sent me to sign, but she keeps changing her mind after I sign it, so now it's going to be number 3 on Monday.

It's been rough.

There's probably a million things I'm leaving out, but that's a decent summary.

[santa]

So I think she was misdiagnosed as bipolar. After everything I witnessed and experienced in our relationship, I'm completely sure she's borderline.

At the moment, she's "never been healthier and happier" and I was the problem. She basically completely detached as soon as she decided she was done with the relationship. She claims that I broke up with her when I asked for joint custody after she got arrested for DUI, but that's not how it happened at all. You know how they twist everything and have to be the victim. She was also mad I hadn't married her, but we had talked about it. I was really coming around to the idea until she started acting crazy again after she stopped breastfeeding.

I realize this is for the best, but it has been difficult. I think it might have been easier if she hadn't taken our daughter away from me. She calls almost everyday and lets me talk to the baby, but that usually makes me feel worse.

[santa]

Additionally, this girl has been in swimsuit calendars and is ridiculously beautiful. The sex was amazing. The good parts of the relationship were the best I've ever had. The bad was just terrible. I think I should just man up and say to hell with it, but with the kid involved, I'm in a weird spot. I'm a little hung up on her too, I guess, but less and less everyday.

[Ironmanrises]

At the moment, she's "never been healthier and happier" and I was the problem. She basically completely detached as soon as she decided she was done with the relationship.

No different with my exUBPDgf. And basically every member on here. Note, she wants it to appear that she is happy to hurt you and because in her distorted lens she is looking at you through, it appears to her that you are the problem. In reality, you arent. But to her, to accept that would mean to self reflect, and self reflection would point the spotlight back on her, and the maladaptive coping mechanisms via her disorder, will not allow that to happen.

[Surnia]

Hi santa

Wow, what a story! Much more than just difficult. 

And sure, much harder with a kid involved! No contact is than no valid option. Talking only through phone, how hard is this! 

Perhaps you may need also the support from the guys at the legal board.

Do you have some support in your life from friends or family?

[santa]

Hi santa

Wow, what a story! Much more than just difficult. 

And sure, much harder with a kid involved! No contact is than no valid option. Talking only through phone, how hard is this! 

Perhaps you may need also the support from the guys at the legal board.

Do you have some support in your life from friends or family?

LOL... .I'm a lawyer.

Yeah, my friends and family are pretty supportive. I'm trying to just play it cool until we finish up with the custody agreement and get into a routine. I've been pretty emotional about the whole thing though. I'm scared to have anything to do with her or my daughter because I'm afraid if I make one false step she'll have me arrested again. I kind of just want to wash my hands of the whole thing, but with a child involved it's hard to just forget about it.

[Surnia]

LOL... .I'm a lawyer.

Ups   

I'm trying to just play it cool until we finish up with the custody agreement and get into a routine.

Sounds like a good plan.

[santa]

At the moment, she's "never been healthier and happier" and I was the problem. She basically completely detached as soon as she decided she was done with the relationship.

No different with my exUBPDgf. And basically every member on here. Note, she wants it to appear that she is happy to hurt you and because in her distorted lens she is looking at you through, it appears to her that you are the problem. In reality, you arent. But to her, to accept that would mean to self reflect, and self reflection would point the spotlight back on her, and the maladaptive coping mechanisms via her disorder, will not allow that to happen.

That's one of the biggest problems I'm having. She makes up these ridiculous things but believes them as fact. According to her, she's never told a lie in her life. I hate having to go along with her perspective sometimes because I feel like I'm promoting nonsense, but I can't just argue with her about every single thing either. I've kind of just started saying, "That isn't what happened or what I intended, but if that's the way it made you feel, then I apologize." You're basically damned if you do and damned if you don't with these people.

[Ironmanrises]

At the moment, she's "never been healthier and happier" and I was the problem. She basically completely detached as soon as she decided she was done with the relationship.

No different with my exUBPDgf. And basically every member on here. Note, she wants it to appear that she is happy to hurt you and because in her distorted lens she is looking at you through, it appears to her that you are the problem. In reality, you arent. But to her, to accept that would mean to self reflect, and self reflection would point the spotlight back on her, and the maladaptive coping mechanisms via her disorder, will not allow that to happen.

That's one of the biggest problems I'm having. She makes up these ridiculous things but believes them as fact. According to her, she's never told a lie in her life. I hate having to go along with her perspective sometimes because I feel like I'm promoting nonsense, but I can't just argue with her about every single thing either. I've kind of just started saying, "That isn't what happened or what I intended, but if that's the way it made you feel, then I apologize." You're basically damned if you do and damned if you don't with these people.

That is hell on earth. There is no winning against that.

[santa]

LOL... .I'm a lawyer.

Ups   

I'm trying to just play it cool until we finish up with the custody agreement and get into a routine.

Sounds like a good plan.

It's hard. I'm basically furious about what has happened, but since she doesn't care, I'm trying to act as ambivalent as possible. I've tried to reach out to her several times to fix or at least make sense of everything, but it wasn't happening and just made me feel worse, so I stopped.

Once I start having to see her again regularly for visitation it's probably going to be a disaster. Lol

[santa]

At the moment, she's "never been healthier and happier" and I was the problem. She basically completely detached as soon as she decided she was done with the relationship.

No different with my exUBPDgf. And basically every member on here. Note, she wants it to appear that she is happy to hurt you and because in her distorted lens she is looking at you through, it appears to her that you are the problem. In reality, you arent. But to her, to accept that would mean to self reflect, and self reflection would point the spotlight back on her, and the maladaptive coping mechanisms via her disorder, will not allow that to happen.

That's one of the biggest problems I'm having. She makes up these ridiculous things but believes them as fact. According to her, she's never told a lie in her life. I hate having to go along with her perspective sometimes because I feel like I'm promoting nonsense, but I can't just argue with her about every single thing either. I've kind of just started saying, "That isn't what happened or what I intended, but if that's the way it made you feel, then I apologize." You're basically damned if you do and damned if you don't with these people.

That is hell on earth. There is no winning against that.

Sure is. Lol

I've only began reading about BPD recently, but from what I understand, they interpret events based on what their mood is at the time. So, her description of an event doesn't describe the actual event, but how it made her feel. Or something like that.

All I know is that she talks about things that I personally experienced with her and she is completely inaccurate about what actually happened and it's really frustrating to deal with.

[Ironmanrises]

At the moment, she's "never been healthier and happier" and I was the problem. She basically completely detached as soon as she decided she was done with the relationship.

No different with my exUBPDgf. And basically every member on here. Note, she wants it to appear that she is happy to hurt you and because in her distorted lens she is looking at you through, it appears to her that you are the problem. In reality, you arent. But to her, to accept that would mean to self reflect, and self reflection would point the spotlight back on her, and the maladaptive coping mechanisms via her disorder, will not allow that to happen.

That's one of the biggest problems I'm having. She makes up these ridiculous things but believes them as fact. According to her, she's never told a lie in her life. I hate having to go along with her perspective sometimes because I feel like I'm promoting nonsense, but I can't just argue with her about every single thing either. I've kind of just started saying, "That isn't what happened or what I intended, but if that's the way it made you feel, then I apologize." You're basically damned if you do and damned if you don't with these people.

That is hell on earth. There is no winning against that.

Sure is. Lol

I've only began reading about BPD recently, but from what I understand, they interpret events based on what their mood is at the time. So, her description of an event doesn't describe the actual event, but how it made her feel. Or something like that.

All I know is that she talks about things that I personally experienced with her and she is completely inaccurate about what actually happened and it's really frustrating to deal with.

Yes. And quite damaging too. It even causes you to doubt what you remembered. The constant contradiction. Frustrating, in our cases, would be an understatement on all levels.

[santa]

So, just for the record, we're all in agreement here that I did the right thing by not marrying her, right?

I feel like that would have been a complete disaster. Even though this sucks, it's better than that, I hope.

The way I see it, she was determined to blow up this relationship at some point and for me to recover and cut my losses, it's better that it happened now than 10 years from now.

[Ironmanrises]

Just read some of the accounts on here, and they will answer all your questions, in a quite horrifyingly accurate way. And then you will want to read some more accounts on here. And your questions will be answered over and over again.

[santa]

Just read some of the accounts on here, and they will answer all your questions, in a quite horrifyingly accurate way. And then you will want to read some more accounts on here. And your questions will be answered over and over again.

That's what I figured.

I know it's hopeless and there's nothing I can do about it. It seems like it should be so easy to fix the relationship, but in reality, there is no fixing it. She's got to live in chaos constantly.

If you really think about it, how hard is it really for two adults to have a loving relationship? Not very hard at all. So why do these people just have to fight you about every single thing all the time? The woman literally will not cooperate with me about anything. I mean, maybe for awhile she will, but not long, and then she's got to wreck it with her nonsense. It's sad.

[Surnia]

Yes, Santa,

first of all, if you are relieved you are not married with her, it is the right thing. 

And I agree also on a more objective view.

[santa]

Yes, Santa,

first of all, if you are relieved you are not married with her, it is the right thing. 

And I agree also on a more objective view.

I hate the way she left, but it beats the alternative. Lol

[Ironmanrises]

Just read some of the accounts on here, and they will answer all your questions, in a quite horrifyingly accurate way. And then you will want to read some more accounts on here. And your questions will be answered over and over again.

That's what I figured.

I know it's hopeless and there's nothing I can do about it. It seems like it should be so easy to fix the relationship, but in reality, there is no fixing it. She's got to live in chaos constantly.

If you really think about it, how hard is it really for two adults to have a loving relationship? Not very hard at all. So why do these people just have to fight you about every single thing all the time? The woman literally will not cooperate with me about anything. I mean, maybe for awhile she will, but not long, and then she's got to wreck it with her nonsense. It's sad.

It can be difficult even if the two people are non disordered. Now add to that equation, one of the partners has a disorder of intimacy. That difficulty variable has now increased exponentially into, literal hell. The very phrase used to describe the disorder in its simplest form, "I hate you, dont leave me" says everything.

[santa]

Just read some of the accounts on here, and they will answer all your questions, in a quite horrifyingly accurate way. And then you will want to read some more accounts on here. And your questions will be answered over and over again.

That's what I figured.

I know it's hopeless and there's nothing I can do about it. It seems like it should be so easy to fix the relationship, but in reality, there is no fixing it. She's got to live in chaos constantly.

If you really think about it, how hard is it really for two adults to have a loving relationship? Not very hard at all. So why do these people just have to fight you about every single thing all the time? The woman literally will not cooperate with me about anything. I mean, maybe for awhile she will, but not long, and then she's got to wreck it with her nonsense. It's sad.

It can be difficult even if the two people are non disordered. Now add to that equation, one of the partners has a disorder of intimacy. That difficulty variable has now increased exponentially into, literal hell. The very phrase used to describe the disorder in its simplest form, "I hate you, dont leave me" says everything.

It definitely seems impossible to me. I'm assuming the divorce rate for borderline marriages has to be through the roof. I know physical ailments develop from the stress of dealing with them everyday too and the suicide rate must be high.

Unless you just want to be a martyr, there's really no reason to put yourself through it, no matter how much you love or think you love them.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Having a loving relationship is sometimes the problem for these people. Me and my last ex never disagreed until she started being shady, and that's when she had started the cheating. I'm guessing it's because I was so loving and understanding with her that the one night I told her to not come over until later than she wanted, triggered her in to thinking I was rejecting and abandoning her. I think she was too afraid that I was tired of her or "on to who she really is" that she needed to make her greatest fear go away by leaving me first. Sad thing is that night I was in a bad mood from work, and just wanted time to chill out because I never wanted to be in a bad mood around her because I loved her so much. So I was damned for being a nice guy. You truly can't win. I got the "I'm so happy" messages through email too about my replacement, which I instantly took for bulli___. If she was so happy she wouldn't have dragged him to the same bar I was at just so she could see if I was dating my female friend I was there with (I wasn't, and my friend told her as much once she confronted her in the bathroom asking her why she felt the need to come there with her new guy while I was there).

[theirdad]

So, just for the record, we're all in agreement here that I did the right thing by not marrying her, right?

I feel like that would have been a complete disaster. Even though this sucks, it's better than that, I hope.

The way I see it, she was determined to blow up this relationship at some point and for me to recover and cut my losses, it's better that it happened now than 10 years from now.

Santa, your story very closely parallels mine only my story plot is a little further down the timeline.  It's almost all the same.  My ex and I recycled after our first child and then another "oops" and now two children.  When I met with my lawyer for the first time after she filed for divorce he said "... .well congratulations!"  I just looked at him. He added "congratulations it's happening now instead of 10 years from now."  Intellectually, I know he is correct.  Emotionally it's a different story depending on the day.

With children involved it becomes infinitely more difficult where NC isn't an option.  You're never completely insulated from the distortions of reality and crazy-making, and as someone else posted here,  it can make one question their own judgement etc.

Despite my best thinking I too occasionally find myself questioning whether I did the right thing or could have done something different (as she was constantly pointing out.) Santa, if your relationship was like mine and I think it's quite similar, nothing- not marriage, or the right house or anything else was going to change it.  I jumped through a series of hoops/ultimatums all with the overarching promise that things would be different.  Marriage was just the last hoop I jumped through.  :)on't second guess yourself (or try not to) you're probably spot-on in your thinking. In the End, no matter what you do or have done, it will be "all your fault."

Hang in there.  While none of this is easy, you're not alone.