Slow detachment vs Quick detachment

[HarmKrakow]

I've heard a few people tell me that...

1) I'm way to slow in detaching. Phrases like (Dude... still... that ex gf?/Mate don't tell me you are sad cuz of ... /Why do you still have (a/b/c/... ) which could remind you of her?) And then you hear all the sentences like... .

-You live in the past

-Grow a pair of bollocks, look in the shower if you still have a pair hanging or should I buy them at best-buy?

-Stop being so sentimental

2) To quick in detachment. Where I heard; "WOW are you already doing this or that? You just broke up/Seriously, going to that (place/restaurant/holiday spot/supermarket/specific food/yada yada... .) Omg Harm, you are such a cold fish, no emotions, 'tough cooky', bladiebladiebla.

All I just got to say on that right now...



When are you fully detached?

When you don't get goosebumps seeing your ex hands in hands with your replacement?

When your heart doesnt go 1519230 BPM when u see her/his name on the telephone?

When you can't remember last time when you think of her?

When you are like; What's her name again?

When her b!tchy gf/bf's make you laugh of pain you sh!t bridges

When not a singular fibre in ur body makes a move when u see a photo of her?

When nothing on earth doesn't trigger you anymore?

This is not a discussion of, 'it's good to have nice memories of the past and forget the crap ones', but more as in, when are you, considerably, fully a 100% sure about the fact you can tell yourself and others, you are detached?

[Ironmanrises]

For me, I am slowly detaching and healing, at the pace of a snail. When anything that has to do with my Morena does not make my brain spin in all directions. Will this happen? Unknown. This experience has damaged me on far too many levels, I am no longer the person I was before meeting her. And I don't say that as a cliche. I literally feel f¥cking altered. I envy those of you on here who detached successfully and lead normal lives.

[HarmKrakow]

For me, I am slowly detaching and healing, at the pace of a snail. When anything that has to do with my Morena does not make my brain spin in all directions. Will this happen? Unknown. This experience has damaged me on far too many levels, I am no longer the person I was before meeting her. And I don't say that as a cliche. I literally feel f¥cking altered. I envy those of you on here who detached successfully and lead normal lives.

Its sad that people will tell you to "shove it" and "let go" and just not be such a "downer" for living in the past.

I'm fully with ya on the "changed forever" stance after the breakup.

[Ironmanrises]

For me, I am slowly detaching and healing, at the pace of a snail. When anything that has to do with my Morena does not make my brain spin in all directions. Will this happen? Unknown. This experience has damaged me on far too many levels, I am no longer the person I was before meeting her. And I don't say that as a cliche. I literally feel f¥cking altered. I envy those of you on here who detached successfully and lead normal lives.

Its sad that people will tell you to "shove it" and "let go" and just not be such a "downer" for living in the past.

I'm fully with ya on the "changed forever" stance after the breakup.

I don't respond to the people who tell me to "let go" etc. For me, having been diagnosed with Major Depression, which lead to 2 separate suicide attempts in 2009-2010, those words "let go" "move on" do not help me in any way. They actually cause me to further retreat and isolate myself. I've almost "let go" of myself literally, those 2 times. As grim and awful as that sounds, that was my reality. This encounter with a pwBPD after what I went through with my 2 attempts, was not a good combination. Probably explains why I am having such a hard time with it then most.

[BorderlineMagnet]

I understand the feeling of being changed or altered. I'm back to being a cold, bitter, resentful person that I fought hard to change so many years ago. But after my 2 BPD exgfs I can feel nothing but hate and anger most days. I've cast aside all the friends who have happy go lucky relationships, where everything is #lovelife and sunshine and ___ing rainbows. I can't stand happy people now. Because to me it feels like my reward for being a kind, accepting, and loving person is that I end up damaged and alone. I have nothing while at least these girls have my replacements. I don't need to hear from one that she's pregnant and engaged to some junkie she's know less than 6 months after I spent 5 years working towards that with her. I don't need my recent ex sending me blank emails every 4 months. I just don't need to hear from them at all. Every time I feel like I'm beginning to really detach, one of them pokes their ___ing head in to my life in the form of a text or email. If they are so damn happy then leave me alone and let me try and be happy.

[Waifed]

For me, I am slowly detaching and healing, at the pace of a snail. When anything that has to do with my Morena does not make my brain spin in all directions. Will this happen? Unknown. This experience has damaged me on far too many levels, I am no longer the person I was before meeting her. And I don't say that as a cliche. I literally feel f¥cking altered. I envy those of you on here who detached successfully and lead normal lives.

Ironman.

I am in the same boat. I have been really surprised how difficult this has been. I'm 4 months out. I will go 3-4 days where I feel like I am over her only to have that feeling of despair and deep depression return to my body. It makes me so angry that another person has this much power over my mind. We are going to beat this. We are beating it one day at a time. We just aren't aware that we are improving. My friend and family say I look 100% better than I was. I probably am but it doesn't always feel any better. I have picked up the BPD trait of faking it!

BMagnet

She may be engaged but she isn't married. F*ck her anyway. What if you had married her?  Consider yourself lucky. I also am bitter towards others that are happy. Really I am envious. Time will heal. Dude, you gotta stop being a BPD magnet. That ___ will make you crazy 

[Ironmanrises]

For me, I am slowly detaching and healing, at the pace of a snail. When anything that has to do with my Morena does not make my brain spin in all directions. Will this happen? Unknown. This experience has damaged me on far too many levels, I am no longer the person I was before meeting her. And I don't say that as a cliche. I literally feel f¥cking altered. I envy those of you on here who detached successfully and lead normal lives.

Ironman.

I am in the same boat. I have been really surprised how difficult this has been. I'm 4 months out. I will go 3-4 days where I feel like I am over her only to have that feeling of despair and deep depression return to my body. It makes me so angry that another person has this much power over my mind. We are going to beat this. We are beating it one day at a time. We just aren't aware that we are improving. My friend and family say I look 100% better than I was. I probably am but it doesn't always feel any better. I have picked up the BPD trait of faking it!

BMagnet

She may be engaged but she isn't married. F*ck her anyway. What if you had married her?  Consider yourself lucky. I also am bitter towards others that are happy. Really I am envious. Time will heal. Dude, you gotta stop being a BPD magnet. That ___ will make you crazy 

The dreaded BPD fleas? 

[fromheeltoheal]

Still being in love with your borderline, whatever that means, and hating your borderline or the disorder is not yet detached.  Having ho-hum, no emotional content memories and thinking about them very seldom is detached.  I have strings of days like that, and then I'll have a very strong dream about her and wake up wanting to kill her.  And then back to ho-hum. Feels like I'm getting there, but not yet.

[Learning_curve74]

Fast or slow, whatever... .I think each one of us has an individual pace to detaching based on our own healing. I think it's perfectly natural to wonder about it when we feel "stuck." Sometimes it can feel like two steps forward and three steps back.

Even though sometimes I wish I had an amnesia ray to just wipe out the memories, I would also lose the lessons I learned from my BPD relationship. It's not the memories that are the problem, it's the hurt. So as with any hurt, it's the healing that is the answer.

Isn't it less a matter of letting them go and more a matter of finding ourselves? Maybe we need to accept that we are flawed yet still worthy of deserving more than what we are settling for. It's not wrong to be kind, caring, compassionate, and even in love with a pwBPD. But it isn't healthy to hurt ourselves terribly in the process. So when I said "settling" it's not so much about our pwBPD, but settling for being hurt instead of working to be healthy maybe.

Maybe we are detached enough when we can think about our pwBPD and not be hurt by it? It's ok to have regret, anybody who dies without regret didn't do enough in their life. But the regret shouldn't have to hurt like a psychic wound.

I thought I was getting to a healthier place, but I recently realized that I'm not quite there yet. I'm trying.

[snappafcw]

Nearly a year on and I don't think I'm even close to detaching... .

However... .

The good news is I have made progress and even though at times I am sad at least I can go about my day to day life now and push through. I suffer my own issues with depression myself this could be more of an issue than the break up now. I really feel for you guys in the same boat i wish you nothing but happiness.

[HarmKrakow]

I understand the feeling of being changed or altered. I'm back to being a cold, bitter, resentful person that I fought hard to change so many years ago... .

I can really relate to this actually. I am in some ways getting good again ... but i'm just so much more a bitter cold a$$hole than I was before. It took me a long time to get out of that.

[HarmKrakow]

Fast or slow, whatever... .I think each one of us has an individual pace to detaching based on our own healing. I think it's perfectly natural to wonder about it when we feel "stuck." Sometimes it can feel like two steps forward and three steps back.

Even though sometimes I wish I had an amnesia ray to just wipe out the memories, I would also lose the lessons I learned from my BPD relationship. It's not the memories that are the problem, it's the hurt. So as with any hurt, it's the healing that is the answer.

Isn't it less a matter of letting them go and more a matter of finding ourselves? Maybe we need to accept that we are flawed yet still worthy of deserving more than what we are settling for. It's not wrong to be kind, caring, compassionate, and even in love with a pwBPD. But it isn't healthy to hurt ourselves terribly in the process. So when I said "settling" it's not so much about our pwBPD, but settling for being hurt instead of working to be healthy maybe.

Maybe we are detached enough when we can think about our pwBPD and not be hurt by it? It's ok to have regret, anybody who dies without regret didn't do enough in their life. But the regret shouldn't have to hurt like a psychic wound.

I thought I was getting to a healthier place, but I recently realized that I'm not quite there yet. I'm trying.

I don't need an experience in order to learn something. Example? I work in finance for a living. Rather than going on my nose every day and losing a lot of money, certain books with people who ___ed up, prevent you in order to make the same mistake. Combine that with a book like, "thinking fast and slow" and you get answers received on your platter. I have avoided so much CRAP in my life purely because I knew on the experience of others that I shouldn't do a thing.

But yeah, amnesia ray. I would do it within an INSTANT! Seriously. If I

And the thing wasn't the slow or quick detachment, it's the box of emotions you have filled with it. If you detach to quick, you are shown as an emotionless a$$, to slowly? Then you are a whiner who lives in the past. That's just sad. That's why I was wondering what true detachment is. And I think, the 'wound' is a good example. If it's truly detachment. I'd be very happy if it doesn't hurt anymore.

I hope also my resentment/anger/grudge towards my ex goes away. I can be detached physicall or mentally but when I hear stories of (ex) colleagues or friend about her failing I unfortunately do smile from time to time. That I don't like. Although my doctor and therapist always told me, she'll have a life like that.

[fromheeltoheal]

I understand the feeling of being changed or altered. I'm back to being a cold, bitter, resentful person that I fought hard to change so many years ago... .

I can really relate to this actually. I am in some ways getting good again ... but i'm just so much more a bitter cold a$$hole than I was before. It took me a long time to get out of that.

I'm still very angry at times, but I'm not bitter.  I was very pissed at my borderline ex for a while, now I just see her as a lost little kid I got with when things weren't going very well and I was susceptible.  But now I know what is referred to as core trauma feels like; I experienced it courtesy borderline hell.  And it's had a snowball effect; issues from years ago with people unrelated to my borderline have bubbled up, along with extremely strong rage, stuff I thought I'd dealt with or it just went away, I certainly wasn't feeling it, apparently I had repressed it.  Very strange and concerning, although hey, if it's in there it has to come out, and I certainly have no tolerance for people trying to create new resentments; plenty of folks have gotten an earful lately.

And my understanding is anger is always a secondary emotion, there are feelings under it that need to be felt, and as they poke their head out, they're sadness and hurt.  Anger is just a stage, and getting beyond it and into whatever's under it is healthy healing; I've been angry for maybe 6 months, and I do feel it waning.  Bitterness happens when we don't process the anger and get stuck, and it turns acidic in our soul and takes up residence.  That will also shorten our lives.  I refuse to get stuck there, truly believe it's a process to be worked through and am not stopping, and the only way out is through.  Stay tuned... .

[myself]

We each get damaged, heal, and learn our truths at our own pace. There isn't anyone I know who hasn't suffered some kind of heartbreak. Each one of them took their own time to get through it, or are still in the process of doing so. There's the saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes. When someone doesn't do so, it's often because it's uncomfortable for them more than that they're being understanding of how it feels for us. We all want to hurry up and get there. That's part of why we wound up where we are. Taking the time for proper healing is what's called for now.