Healthy ways to work on our own resentment

[allibaba]

Hello all,

Just looking for a little input on healthy ways to deal with resentment.

I've done a lot of work over the last 6-9 months on my relationship and a lot of the worst abusive behaviors have been eliminated completely from our house.  Our lives are far, far, far from perfect but I believe that my standards are getting better as I come out from under the verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

My question is this.  WHY AM I GETTING RESENTFUL NOW?  Shouldn't I have been more resentful when I was being abused.  Why am I less tolerant of the ups and downs NOW?  My ability to step back seems to well practiced for all out battles but not for normal conflict.

I'm taking much better care of myself.  Shouldn't I be feeling on top of the world now?

This morning my husband had a meltdown (minor) - he was just yelling about how unsupported he feels by me (nice opportunity for validation) and instead I told him SHUT UP.  I'M SO TIRED OF YOU COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME.  GROW UP! 

I've made my apologies and told him that my comments were inappropriate but now he's out for the day... .trying to "teach me a lesson about my behavior".  He is right.  I should have been more supportive of him.  But my gosh it takes a lot of energy and I'm drained.  Its been a hard week of work.  Ever time I try to work he says "I am playing at my fun little job."  Its just annoying to work so hard and not be appreciated.

So clearly my own resentment is creeping in.  Any words of wisdom?  I want to go take a vacation from him (but that's not going to help his feelings of distance from me). 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[joshbjoshb]

This is a great question! It happened to me as well!

By me it's more of a cycle. Sometimes it gets better, then sometimes I am not good enough and the situation get worse again, and when it does it can get very bad.

I found that exactly when things get better I get annoyed from small stupid things, much more than when she has a constant rage and meltdown!

I think that a lot of it has to do with a feeling of deserving. After dealing with them for so long, we feel like now that things are better it's because WE deserve better, and it wasn't fair how we were treated until now. So we defend any sign of them to treat us not nice.

[earthgirl]

Alibaba,

I *so* get this.  I've experienced the same thing.  The only thing I can figure out is this:  when we're "in the trenches" as it were, we are in survival mode.  We are busy dealing with the pwBPD and trying to put out fires... .we don't have time, when we are *in* it, to think about it and process what has happened.  Only later, when the crisis has passed and we are feeling more safe and secure, can we really begin to process our emotions. 

It's hard for me to feel anger and resentment at the moment when my uBPDH is ranting at me.  All I feel is fear and anguish.  Only later does the anger come.  And usually, if not always, when he's not around.

[maxen]

This morning my husband had a meltdown (minor) - he was just yelling about how unsupported he feels by me (nice opportunity for validation) and instead I told him SHUT UP.  I'M SO TIRED OF YOU COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME.  GROW UP! 

I've made my apologies and told him that my comments were inappropriate but now he's out for the day... .trying to "teach me a lesson about my behavior".  He is right.  I should have been more supportive of him.  But my gosh it takes a lot of energy and I'm drained.  Its been a hard week of work.  Ever time I try to work he says "I am playing at my fun little job."  Its just annoying to work so hard and not be appreciated.

So clearly my own resentment is creeping in.  Any words of wisdom?  I want to go take a vacation from him (but that's not going to help his feelings of distance from me).

um ... .have we been ... .er ... .in the same marriage?

i have no words of wisdom. if i had them i would have practiced them and we wouldn't be taking a permanent vacation from each other. one of the specific reasons she left was because i spoke like that sometimes, and she never forgets and never forgives (BPD: she can't accept that a partner can get angry and still love her). perhaps not every pwBPD will feel as strongly about this, mine shares her family's arrogant streak and that compounds things. but dealing with resentment is important and i hope you keep working on this allibaba. in my marriage we were both afflicted with it.

[Nonamouse]

I am at the same place right now. My dBPDw has made so much progress in the last year, both of us have, and the last two months have been rage free. And then she lost it this week, and I was walking on eggshells for two days, dealing with the anger, guilt trips and accusations.  It was less intense than it would have been a year ago and she had some genuinely stressful things going on. Even though I recognize that on an an intellectual level, I'm mad as hell and resentful as ever.

At least in my case, I think part of it is that relative calm for a little while lulled me into a sense of security. I let my guard down thinking things were normal and I got a rude reminder that's not ever going to be true. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, I just mean that I can't stop working. There's no destination where this will be cured. We can make progress, but it's an ongoing journey. Be optimistic, but don't let it fool you into thinking you're done. When you let go of the idea that they're going to be normal, you're not going to be surprised and resentful when they inevitably prove they aren't.

[zaqsert]

My question is this.  WHY AM I GETTING RESENTFUL NOW?  Shouldn't I have been more resentful when I was being abused.  Why am I less tolerant of the ups and downs NOW?  My ability to step back seems to well practiced for all out battles but not for normal conflict.

A few things come to mind... .

As you've grown and changed, you now realize that it is not ok to be treated that way, that you deserve to be treated well (as joshbjoshb pointed out), you want to be treated well, and it is perfectly fair to have your own boundaries.  I think this new frame of mind makes us less tolerant of abusive behaviors.

Several of us here have noticed that when we feel resentful, it may be because we allowed a boundary to be crossed.  It may even be a boundary that we were not entirely aware of.  Are there new boundaries that you want to put in place, or old ones that you want to shift?

How are you feeling about acceptance of your husband?  Finally reaching acceptance of my wife helped me feel less resentment.  But this cycles for me too.

This morning my husband had a meltdown (minor) - he was just yelling about how unsupported he feels by me (nice opportunity for validation) and instead I told him SHUT UP.  I'M SO TIRED OF YOU COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME.  GROW UP! 

Remember too that you are human.  These things happen.  The important thing is that you recognized it and apologized for it.  Now of course just remember that if your husband brings it up as "evidence" of something, you know very well that this was an isolated incident, and you really don't need to play into whatever he may try to make it out to be.

... .and she never forgets and never forgives ... .

Although off topic, this reminds me a bit of what I heard someone say years about their spouse: such a wonderful spouse, tends to forgive and forget, but never forgets what they forgave.  I thought it was funny when I heard it.

[AnitaL]

I so deeply understand this feeling too, and would echo especially what earthgirl said. 

I think with my uBPDh it also was such a relief to have come so far and made such improvement after finding this place and using the tools, and it was initially so rewarding to see the positive results of changes in my own behavior.  Just even having these tools and a name to put to the craziness made me feel like I'd really accomplished something and that made me hopeful. 

Then we sort of hit a plateau, and now at times it is incredibly difficult to be patient as the reality sinks in that this relationship will ALWAYS be hard work. My H is seeing a T but is far from truly getting help, and it is frustrating that there is little I can do to make more progress until he does.  So when I get frustrated and yell back at him when he starts in on me (as I just did two days ago in a very similar way to what you describe), I do what you did -- I recognize it, apologize, and move on.  This last time, he even said he accepted my apology and understood how tired I was.  Of course he didn't apologize for his own role, but it's something.  All I can do is continue to work on my end. 

If you truly need a vacation from him, maybe you could take a short day trip on your own or with friends?

[Grey Kitty]

Hmmm... .I've got a couple rambling thoughts for you.

First, your feeling of resentment:

1. Resentment or anger is indeed a tipoff that your boundaries are being crossed. Perhaps there are some new boundaries you want to start enforcing. Think about whether there is some specific pattern to what is setting you off, and whether there are enforceable boundaries you could set up for it.

2. Feelings are real, and they come and go all by themselves at times. Maybe you just had a wave of negative feelings come over you.

3. Perhaps you were just too busy coping until recently to have time to even notice these feelings. Well, that and overwhelmed by the other feelings you were coping with at the time.

Second round:

I don't know if you ever read the book "The Four Agreements" by Miguel Ruiz, but the last one is "Always do your best" Part of this is a reminder that your best will vary from day to day--sometimes you are at the absolute top of your game, others not so much. Do the best you can with what you have today... .and acknowledge that you may not have today what you had yesterday, or will have tomorrow.

  GK

[waverider]

You may have halted the backward slide, now you are facing the reality that you are living a holding pattern and you are becoming resentful that you are not going forward. The adrenalin rush of finding coping tools is wearing off and the reality of daily humdrum has to be faced

Ask yourself what is new for me? What new and exiting things are happening and will happen in the near future? Ambitions and plans?

Do not count that you have halted a downward slide as a forward step.

How can you reward yourself?

The "new you" feels like you need a rewarding and fulfilling future, yet it still seems compromised. This is probably what is breeding the new form of resentment.

[allibaba]

Thanks everyone for the really helpful insight.  I'm too busy at work to really add much... .but what I have taken out of it is that:

*  There are some places where I need some new boundaries (standards are improving) - I actually already know what areas I need to focus on.

*  There are places where radical acceptance is still required.

*  What can I look forward to and what do I need to do to make that happen?

I was in pure survival mode before - hoping and praying that I got to have a day where I wasn't being abused.  Now that that fog has lifted I can see that I still want, need, and deserve more out of life than I am allowing myself to have.

[talbed]

I agree with a lot of the comments here too... .

I have yet to really establish boundaries, I am so not used to that in my life.

We went through a rough 6 weeks and really bad accusations and threats came my way.  Then there was a bit of a break thru in our MC and my wBPD offered an apology and an effort to try for her anger.

We have an amazing 3 days, and my guard is let down.  Feels just like the days when regulation was the rule of the day.  After a perfect date she gets angry over my driving.  "Intimacy" in the last 6 weeks was nearly impossible, we finally were on our way to getting "back in the saddle" and boom.  I lost it.

So yea, the passive aggressiveness in me flew out.  All the pent up frustrations from the weeks before came out.  And here we are, back at square one... .

Is anyone cut out for this?  Anyone?  I think you have to be dead emotionally... .and I am just not a "robot" with life.  I celebrate every day... .but lately dreading them.  And that just doesn't bode well with my own emotions.

But... .I love her so much.  Those three days were - perfect.  But 3 out of 42?  7% of my life is going to be living the dream and the rest zombie land?  Because now I have to "pay dearly" for my eruption of emotion.  This one will be months long... .  Oh well... .

Just glad I am not the only one, and now have a better insight into why I did what I did... .  and learned.  Just stinks that I put myself back into my cell... .

[waverider]

I agree with a lot of the comments here too... .

I have yet to really establish boundaries, I am so not used to that in my life.

We went through a rough 6 weeks and really bad accusations and threats came my way.  Then there was a bit of a break thru in our MC and my wBPD offered an apology and an effort to try for her anger.

We have an amazing 3 days, and my guard is let down.  Feels just like the days when regulation was the rule of the day.  After a perfect date she gets angry over my driving.  "Intimacy" in the last 6 weeks was nearly impossible, we finally were on our way to getting "back in the saddle" and boom.  I lost it.

So yea, the passive aggressiveness in me flew out.  All the pent up frustrations from the weeks before came out.  And here we are, back at square one... .

Is anyone cut out for this?  Anyone?  I think you have to be dead emotionally... .and I am just not a "robot" with life.  I celebrate every day... .but lately dreading them.  And that just doesn't bode well with my own emotions.

But... .I love her so much.  Those three days were - perfect.  But 3 out of 42?  7% of my life is going to be living the dream and the rest zombie land?  Because now I have to "pay dearly" for my eruption of emotion.  This one will be months long... .  Oh well... .

Just glad I am not the only one, and now have a better insight into why I did what I did... .  and learned.  Just stinks that I put myself back into my cell... .

You are still stuck in reactive living rather than leading. You will always be one step behind. Just like a trailer attached to car driven by a crazy driver. You need to learn to take the wheel yourself if you want a smoother ride.

[Chosen]

Hi allibaba,

I understand where you're coming from, and I think it's very important to deal with our own resentment.  I guess why you're just feeling it now is that before that, you're just dealing with life- abuse from your pwBPD, struggling through his rages... .but now things are better so you are less "on eggshells", so you actually have some time for yourself.  You begin to think about your relationship in a more objective way, and you see things you will no longer accept after you have learnt the lessons. 

What I do to help myself with resentment issues:

- Remind myself that I choose to be with this person.  I am with him because he loves me, and I love him.  Tell myself that if I don't want, I can leave.  If I stay, I should be happy with what I have (I'm this kind of person anyway  ).

- Think about the good things now, compare them with the past.  I find it very useful.  We come from a very different starting point from many other relationships, so we shouldn't just look at what we have/ not have now, but how far the relationship has grown.  The fact that he can now complain about me without raging/ calling me names is such a luxury compared with before.  It perhaps also means he is more secure with me so he feels less of the need to put me down.

- When these fail, and I still think about the bad times, I have learnt to distant myself a bit from him (so yes, I think the vacation is a good idea).  "Absence makes the heart grown fonder", and also you lessen the chance of yourself blowing up at him, or him adding fuel to your fire (the resentment that is surfacing inside).

I believe we shouldn’t try to hide our negative feelings, for it will just pile up and wreck our relationship eventually, but we should find a healthy outlet to let it out- it will not be to our pwBPD, so in a sense we have to learn to self-sooth.   

[Seashells]

Hi Alli 

I can so relate to this topic.  I hope you give yourself some slack.

We can't be perfect all the time.     

I also find the stronger I feel, the more I want to be in a healthy relationship without signs of unhealthy stress.  And there are days where it's hard not to look back and see what's happened with a new set of eyes.

An awakening if you will.  I try to remind myself, I too had issues in accepting this kind of behavior and played my own part in it.  And then I try to forgive myself and make a renewed effort to avoid allowing it to repeat.

For me it's two steps forward and (hopefully only) one step back.  I struggle with the resentment and then I feel like I'm going back into "victim" mode when I allow myself to ruminate there.  Not sure if my resentments are the same as the ones you're feeling right now.  I'm not under the same roof w/ my situation, so it's much easier for me to take a step back.   

This is such a journey isn't it?  I hope you are well. 

[allibaba]

I just got back from an excellent head shrinking session .  With a therapist who cares more about my needs than talking about my husband's illness (yay).

We went through all the things going on in the various relationships in my life.

She pointed out that I am the caretaker to my mother (uBPD - high functioning), my husband (uBPD), my father (Alzheimers) and my son (just a little boy).  I play a key role emotionally for these people and (there really isn't an option in most of these relationships - if I want to be in them - I have to set the groundrules).  Interestingly enough my husband, mother, and husband are all CANCERS (July 3, June 21, July 3).

She pointed out that people need to be validated and taken care of.  Its a need and not an unreasonable one and that I don't have anyone in my life that takes care of me... .so of course I feel resentment.  It kind of hit me over the head like a big brick... .it brought out tons and tons and tons of tears and emotion.  So step 1 is recognizing that is the situation - we'll worry about the rest of the steps later.

I also realized that 'this' is why losing my dad to Alzheimers (only little snippets of him left) is so hard because he was the one who always 'took care' of me.  It would have been painful anyway but its really, really super hard painful.

I see clearly that is why its good not to JUST focus on our pwBPD... .I feel like getting my own help is critical to my future.

If I hadn't taken the huge steps over the past 9 months to work on boundaries in my relationship with my husband... .I'm confident that I would still be engulfed in BPD abuse instead of understanding why I hurt so badly.

[zaqsert]

Great insight!

Although I only have my daughter and my wife to take care of, it sounds familiar.

Whenever you're ready, I'm curious about the next steps, beyond recognizing the situation.

[allibaba]

Great insight!

Although I only have my daughter and my wife to take care of, it sounds familiar.

Whenever you're ready, I'm curious about the next steps, beyond recognizing the situation.

Stay tuned.  I'll find out in the new year!

[AnitaL]

 It's so good to hear you have a T who cares about your needs and is helping you through this process of discovery.  Please keep sharing your progress.

[Seashells]

If I hadn't taken the huge steps over the past 9 months to work on boundaries in my relationship with my husband... .I'm confident that I would still be engulfed in BPD abuse instead of understanding why I hurt so badly.

This ^^^^^ is awesome insight.   

[waverider]

If I hadn't taken the huge steps over the past 9 months to work on boundaries in my relationship with my husband... .I'm confident that I would still be engulfed in BPD abuse instead of understanding why I hurt so badly.

This ^^^^^ is awesome insight.   

Establishing boundaries is the toughest step. but until you do that you can't get that space to be subjective about the rest of your journey. Until then you are just applying band aids and compromising. Establishing boundaries gives you an enormous sense of self worth.

But it is hard

[allibaba]

Establishing boundaries is the toughest step. but until you do that you can't get that space to be subjective about the rest of your journey. Until then you are just applying band aids and compromising. Establishing boundaries gives you an enormous sense of self worth.

But it is hard

Yup its hard.  But I think only the first bit is hard.  Then you get used to it.  I will say its the best decision that I ever made.

[waverider]

Has anyone else any experiences of how the successful use of boundaries has brought that sense of "can do" back into their life so those little issues that seemed mountains before are much less daunting, and hence even if still frustrating that frustration comes and goes rather than settles in to cause deep resentment?

I found that a big turning point to me when resentment changed to frustration. It is easier to apply acceptance to frustration and it does not prime you to provoke the next episode the same way residual resentment does.