Sick kids and no co parent

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have posted here before about my frustrations trying to co parent with my ex. Recently her BFF saw me on a date with a very attractive young lady and I am sure before I turned around she had texted my ex. Since that day, literally I can trace it, she has stopped co parenting with me. I know what it triggered for her but that's a different story.

So now I am blocked from calling her, at least I was but I am not sure if I am now and I am not going to try to see if I am. She stopped responding to text messages about our 3 year old daughter and if she checks her email she never responds except a rare occasion on a Monday.

Well so now my 3 year old is really sick today and can't go to preschool tomorrow and it is the ex's day to have her. I would drop her off at school and the ex would pick her up normally. I tried to contact my ex to explain this to her via text and email and of course no response. She may still get back to me via email but she told me recently she gets my text messages but just ignores them. It just makes me so angry on so many levels. First of course is that I have work and a meeting with my lawyer tomorrow that I really shouldn't have to reschedule because 99% of the time I am the one who takes time off from work or reschedules my stuff every time her school is closed or she is sick. Also just the fact she can be so self centered that she still thinks this is between her and I, or that I contact her because I am just wanting her back, can't stand not to have contact etc (things she has said) is mind boggling. I wish I didn't even have to deal with her frankly. So even if I do keep her home with me I have to arrange some kind of switch to her mom tomorrow and so at some point she has to talk to me but I don't think she will. Then she will show up at daycare and lose her stuff bc my daughter is not there. With my daughter being sick she would not even stay with my mom who she loves to death, so she sure isn't likely to go to a friends house for my ex to pick up there.

My daughter rarely wants to leave me to go to her mom's which I find very sad, so being sick isn't likely to be easier I don't think. Basically I am frustrated that I have to deal with this at all, and it really feels like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, like a no win situation. To top it all off she puked all over last night and my hot water in my shower froze so I can't even shower.

Just not sure how to deal with this or cope with it. Dealing with my ex is a huge source of stress for me. It feels so manipulative too and I am so frustrated that she can't even see it is about my daughter. Last night before my daughter got sick but something else was going on I was venting to my mom and she said "It is because she isn't a mother and you are going to need to learn to accept that" and it was like a light bulb. She had our daughter and she does love our daughter the best she can, I do believe that. However most the time she doesn't act like a mother. Even with that in mind I am still so frustrated about this situation because to me it is like our daughter is sick so pull your head out of your A@# and do something to work with me, but she won't or can't.

So any tips for just coping?

[thisyoungdad]

I have posted here before about my frustrations trying to co parent with my ex. Recently her BFF saw me on a date with a very attractive young lady and I am sure before I turned around she had texted my ex. Since that day, literally I can trace it, she has stopped co parenting with me. I know what it triggered for her but that's a different story.

So now I am blocked from calling her, at least I was but I am not sure if I am now and I am not going to try to see if I am. She stopped responding to text messages about our 3 year old daughter and if she checks her email she never responds except a rare occasion on a Monday.

Well so now my 3 year old is really sick today and can't go to preschool tomorrow and it is the ex's day to have her. I would drop her off at school and the ex would pick her up normally. I tried to contact my ex to explain this to her via text and email and of course no response. She may still get back to me via email but she told me recently she gets my text messages but just ignores them. It just makes me so angry on so many levels. First of course is that I have work and a meeting with my lawyer tomorrow that I really shouldn't have to reschedule because 99% of the time I am the one who takes time off from work or reschedules my stuff every time her school is closed or she is sick. Also just the fact she can be so self centered that she still thinks this is between her and I, or that I contact her because I am just wanting her back, can't stand not to have contact etc (things she has said) is mind boggling. I wish I didn't even have to deal with her frankly. So even if I do keep her home with me I have to arrange some kind of switch to her mom tomorrow and so at some point she has to talk to me but I don't think she will. Then she will show up at daycare and lose her stuff bc my daughter is not there. With my daughter being sick she would not even stay with my mom who she loves to death, so she sure isn't likely to go to a friends house for my ex to pick up there.

My daughter rarely wants to leave me to go to her mom's which I find very sad, so being sick isn't likely to be easier I don't think. Basically I am frustrated that I have to deal with this at all, and it really feels like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, like a no win situation. To top it all off she puked all over last night and my hot water in my shower froze so I can't even shower.

Just not sure how to deal with this or cope with it. Dealing with my ex is a huge source of stress for me. It feels so manipulative too and I am so frustrated that she can't even see it is about my daughter. Last night before my daughter got sick but something else was going on I was venting to my mom and she said "It is because she isn't a mother and you are going to need to learn to accept that" and it was like a light bulb. She had our daughter and she does love our daughter the best she can, I do believe that. However most the time she doesn't act like a mother. Even with that in mind I am still so frustrated about this situation because to me it is like our daughter is sick so pull your head out of your A@# and do something to work with me, but she won't or can't.

So any tips for just coping?

[livednlearned]

Yes, this type of thing is so frustrating. I hope your daughter feels better soon, and you don't get sick too.

Being the parent who shoulders the responsibility -- it's unfortunately how it goes. After a while, I learned to structure my email communication so that a "no response" did not hog tie me. I began to think of N/BPDx as a formality, someone I had to contact, but not an equal partner raising our child.

An example of how I would handle S12 being sick (in a similar situation to what you are describing):

S12 is sick. I will not be taking him to school tomorrow. I have made arrangements for a sitter to stay home with him unless I hear from you that you can pick him up first thing in the morning. If I do not hear from you by 8pm, I will make plans accordingly.

Or whatever your plan is.

So you plan how you're going to solve it, you give her an option and a timeframe to respond, and if she doesn't, you go forward with your plan.

I started to see it as a necessary nuisance that I had to engage him because my problem-solving became better, and involving him usually just made things more confusing or unnecessarily complicated.

[thisyoungdad]

Hmm that is really helpful. I do find having to involve her almost always equals stress, frustration and more complications than if I deal with it on my own. Yet for some reason I forget that and think that it is easier if she just stepped up and helped. Which if she stepped up and helped it would be but she doesn't it requires a huge fight and then she still doesn't step up she just makes herself available and I still have to make it happen.

The frustrating part is that the only reason I need to inform her is because it is her time with our daughter tomorrow evening I guess, or whenever tomorrow after I drop her off at preschool. So I have to let her know so she knows our daughter is not there. Otherwise I am not required to inform her of anything unless she has to see a doctor. But I really like how you phrase that because I hate throwing it out there and then feeling like I need to wait and by the time I realize she isn't going to even respond it is too late to solve it some other way, which pisses me off and then that is a recipe for a bad situation although I am learning to withhold the opinions I have in these situations. It is that process of detaching so I can do what is best for my daughter I guess despite feeling like the only one who does.

These situations also really anger me in that so many people are like "she is a great mother" to me and I want to laugh sometimes. I want her to be, she just isn't.

[livednlearned]

Hmm that is really helpful. I do find having to involve her almost always equals stress, frustration and more complications than if I deal with it on my own. Yet for some reason I forget that and think that it is easier if she just stepped up and helped. Which if she stepped up and helped it would be but she doesn't it requires a huge fight and then she still doesn't step up she just makes herself available and I still have to make it happen.

The frustrating part is that the only reason I need to inform her is because it is her time with our daughter tomorrow evening I guess, or whenever tomorrow after I drop her off at preschool. So I have to let her know so she knows our daughter is not there. Otherwise I am not required to inform her of anything unless she has to see a doctor. But I really like how you phrase that because I hate throwing it out there and then feeling like I need to wait and by the time I realize she isn't going to even respond it is too late to solve it some other way, which pisses me off and then that is a recipe for a bad situation although I am learning to withhold the opinions I have in these situations. It is that process of detaching so I can do what is best for my daughter I guess despite feeling like the only one who does.

These situations also really anger me in that so many people are like "she is a great mother" to me and I want to laugh sometimes. I want her to be, she just isn't.

Yeah, it's a process. I learned a lot of my best tricks from friends here, and that functional stuff really helped me with the detachment stuff. You would laugh if you knew how long I spent crafting emails to N/BPDx in the beginning. My miniature works of art. If you have Rights of First Refusal in your custody order, that can be a big problem for stonewalling type behavior. N/BPDx saw ROFR as a way for him to decide whether I could go on a trip or not. Instead of as a way for him to spend more time with S12. So I had to learn to write some darn good emails 

Also, email played a starring role in my custody case. A surprising number of emails were read aloud in court. Mine were always very professional, reasonable, business-like, always focused on problem-solving what was best for S12. That went a long way in court.