how did you accept knowing it was over?

[blur]

Hey yall. I've been NC with my BPD wife for 6 months. In the short time we've been married she's been violent 4 times and had many more rages. I left overnight twice before in hopes things would change, they didn't. So I left 6 months ago and we've not spoke since.

     I would like to see her get help so we could possibly reconcile and save our marriage. BPD being what it is, she'll likely never seek or accept help. So I'm left to planning for the divorce.

   

  I've always been against divorce and have always said a man should do whatever it takes to keep his family together. I'm now having inner conflicts between being honorable and being healthy.

     I KNOW my leaving was the healthiest thing I could do for my daughter15 and I. But leaving means I've quit and I'm being selfish and wasn't willing to "do the work" to keep things together.

     How did you put things in perspective to make it ok to your sense of self? Am I being too proud or is this guilt? Thanks for reading and any thoughts you have.

[Pretty Woman]

Well I applaud you leaving. 

I never left so I guess I just know because the game had completely changed and my replacement is here in state, and a former friend.  She really can't contact me while with this woman so I truly feel it's over this time. 

[fromheeltoheal]

   

I've always been against divorce and have always said a man should do whatever it takes to keep his family together. I'm now having inner conflicts between being honorable and being healthy.

Yes, a man doing 'whatever it takes' to keep his family together is a component of being an honorable man.  That mindset does require that the man is capable of fixing what's broken though, and actually fixing it instead of slacking and letting it slide.  You cannot fix someone with borderline personality disorder, and even if you went and got years of psychiatric training, there would still be no guarantees because she's got to want it for herself, and you can't make that happen.

I say you can cut yourself some slack when it comes to a person with a serious mental illness.  It's similar to being married to an alcoholic or someone who has cancer; are you expected to fix those too?  There are limits to what it means to 'do the work', and maybe in this case taking care of your family means taking care of the ones who are healthy and removing the ones who ultimately are a threat to that family.

[Pearl55]

Of course you are doing the right thing. First you are not in a marriage because marriage is between two emotionally adults not between one adult and a 3 year old!

Why is called personality disorder? Because they think very differently to normal people so your wife's view of your marriage life is very different to yours!

Do not feel guilty because she is happy the way she is, in fact so many times she thinks something is seriously wrong with you not with her (projection).

This is not your responsibility to fix someone, even best psychiatrists are not able to fix her. 

By staying in that relationship, you will lose your self confidence and self esteem more and more and one day you will be so drained, even you won't have enough energy to leave.

I hope you will make the right decision!

[KE151]

Congrats on getting out. Your ex was like a ship sailing on a stormy dark night and looking for a harbor to save her. You were her harbor for a while, until you stood up for yourself and your child. She will have to find a new harbor as you've acted on your healthy boundaries. You cannot fix her, and she is most probably unable to fix herself too.

Think of it this way: marriage is holy to you but it has no meaning whatsoever to her. It was just a way of clinging to you, and at the same time it triggered her engulfment fears, then irrationally leading to intolerable abandonment fears. There's nothing you could have done to avoid this. It was a mouse trap, and you've successfully escaped. How many mice survive a trap? Not many. Count your blessings and take care of yourself and your child now.

[heartandwhole]

blur,

I'm sorry to hear that your wife doesn't want to work things out, that is very painful and I would feel so hurt, if it were me.  It takes a lot of strength to ask these questions and I commend you for taking care of yourself and your daughter. Wanting to stay or leave is such a personal decision, and I know it's not easy.  You will find support and guidance here for wherever you are in the process.

    I would like to see her get help so we could possibly reconcile and save our marriage. BPD being what it is, she'll likely never seek or accept help. So I'm left to planning for the divorce.

You would like to see it, but she wouldn't.  Unfortunately it's impossible to want/do it for her, she has to want it more than you do.

   

 I've always been against divorce and have always said a man should do whatever it takes to keep his family together. I'm now having inner conflicts between being honorable and being healthy.

I respect your beliefs, and can relate.  I had always fought for my relationships, until this last one, where I had to wave the white flag pretty quickly.  In my opinion, being honorable includes you.  Is it honorable for a man to willingly put himself and his daughter in an abusive environment?  Who is that honoring?  I mean no disrespect, it's a real question, and not an indictment.  

I KNOW my leaving was the healthiest thing I could do for my daughter15 and I. But leaving means I've quit and I'm being selfish and wasn't willing to "do the work" to keep things together.

In my humble opinion, the only thing you've "quit" is an extremely damaging situation for yourself and your daughter.  You can work on your side of the street, and possibly feel better, but if your wife doesn't do her work, the behavior is not likely to change.

How did you put things in perspective to make it ok to your sense of self? Am I being too proud or is this guilt? Thanks for reading and any thoughts you have.

blur, my situation was very different from yours, but one day I realized that I was literally losing myself and I couldn't let that happen.  I had to finally make what I needed and wanted a priority – because I matter, and my well being matters.  So does yours.  

[Jbt857]

I still struggle with this too. I was with my dBPDexh for almost 10 years. We were married that long because I literally turned myself inside out trying to make things work and do everything I could to not abandon him and our marriage. We don't have kids, but this was my first marriage and I truly committed to being by his side till the day I died. I lost so much of myself in that decade, 9 months since we split, I'm still trying to figure out who I am.

Maybe rather than being selfish for quitting, you're stubborn and not willing to admit defeat (ego)? I don't mean that in a bad way, but I know that was part of it for me. And of course, you love them. I still can't quite extinguish that last bit of hope either. But my head knows he's not likely to rerun, nor would it work if he did. Not without a full personality transplant. But our hearts take a little longer to catch up with the logic.

BPD people generally can't be saved. And those that do actively want it. So you are in an impossible situation to do anything other than what you are doing. And you owe it to your daughter to model good self esteem and strong boundaries. So, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for her. 

[peacebaby]

You did the right thing for your daughter and that is your #1 most important and honorable job.

My partner and I were together for 12 years. She knew she had BPD, she wanted to change, she did years of therapy, did an intensive DBT course, and became a much more together person. But in the end, all the work she did, all the skills she learned, were nothing compared to the strength of her mental illness and the power of her aggression. She tried very hard, we both tried very hard, but right now she cannot be nice to someone she's involved with.

So just saying, even when someone with BPD wants to change, sometimes the illness is still stronger than they are.

And how did I accept that it was over? I was thrilled, and a little sad. I'd been wanting out for a long time. It's been three weeks now and I wonder when along the line I fell out of love with her. Yes, I do still have the little dream of our life together, but I really doubt that will happen. Mostly because she abused me and I am not going to get into anything like that ever again.

[Pretty Woman]

Peacebaby,

  Your story resonates with me. This was my first lesbian relationship and it was a doozy.

Talk about getting over your first and they have mental illness.

There were so many red flags... .the crazy stories of all her past lovers... .she would run back and forth between them, between states. She got pregnant (adoption), had an abortion, was married (to a man), he tried to kill himself after she left him.

So many red flags.

I am a loving yet insecure person. I am really generous and giving. I like to give and see people happy.

She kept telling me I was not gay and that I would leave her for a man. She kept doubting me.  It started to really hurt me. Then all of a sudden she is talking to her exes on the phone... she is locking her phone (I found out when I went to make an outgoing call). So many problems.  She ended up leaving me for an ex... ."the one who got away"---according to her. Only to return a month later.

This last recycle I really pulled away. I saw her twice a week and we lived 3mi apart. We stopped having sex... .I wasn't interested. She completely killed my desire with all the dumpings.  We had a few good friends and I encouraged her to hang out with them... .since she didn't have ANY friends.

She left me for one of them.

So I blame myself for pushing her away but I was tired. I was hurt. I was emotionally drained. She would often say I wasn't ready for a lesbian relationship... .that I just didn't know what to do with her.

She was right... .I had no idea what to do with her and her mental illness.

She told everyone our recycles were lesbian drama. Until I met more people in the community I thought recycling partners was the norm! THAT is how often she does it.

Thankfully, it is not.

I have many people interested in dating me. I plan a lot of social events for an LGBT group, something my ex was "so proud of". In the end she told me I was too involved with that group and why she dumped me.

I planned a lot of events she would enjoy and was proud to show her off.  Here I am left feeling guilty for having an involved and happy life!

So much guilt that I failed. That I wasn't good enough.

I had a beautiful ring for her... .I saved up this year... .7k, just gorgeous. My replacement knows this.

It's just sad. It was not a great first experience.  I am trying to heal so I don't bring this damage into another woman's life. I would never want to hurt someone, that's not who I am.

[Perfidy]

Blur... Acceptance for me is a process. I had to accept that the person I was with was poison for me. It is a lot to accept all at once. Shock and denial followed by bargaining then all of the normal stuff... Depression, anger,withdrawal,isolation,... .Every one of the awful feelings a person could have. In short, I am still accepting.

[peacebaby]

Hi Earth Angel,

Not sure how our stories are alike, other than being women involved with women who have BPD. My partner never broke up with me once in 12 years until we agreed to end it. There were lots of red flags but they're always their if you care to notice them.

I just want to say this to all... .

NOT BEING ABLE TO COMPLETELY DESTROY YOURSELF IN ORDER TO BE THE SLAVE OF A MENTALLY ILL PERSON IS NOT A FAILING.

The fact that we are leaving or have left is the best thing that's happened to us since before we got involved with these people! Really it is.

[Pretty Woman]

Sorry, Peacebaby... .I meant this resonated with me!




"And how did I accept that it was over? I was thrilled, and a little sad. I'd been wanting out for a long time. It's been three weeks now and I wonder when along the line I fell out of love with her. Yes, I do still have the little dream of our life together, but I really doubt that will happen. Mostly because she abused me and I am not going to get into anything like that ever again"

At least your ex was in therapy trying. Mine will not even attempt. I know we don't have a chance.

[Nearlybroken]

I was not able to accept it was over for a very very long time.I think two things contibuted to this:total ignorance of BPD and a naive belief that "love conquers all".I battled on through so much crap... .know I can see how wrong this was.Acceptance for me has been a hard path.I am happy that I will no longer have someone in my life that feels it acceptable to abuse me,relief that I will no longer become ill myself through walking on eggshells.But a bit of bashed pride as I was not willling to give up and am annoyed that the BPD won in the end.And such a feeling of sadness that things ended up the way they have.Getting rid of the "good memories" and realising I wont live my dream of being in a happy settled relationship with someone who I adore and who adores me back.Annoyance because I will never get closure.I cannot help but still love him and hold out a little bit of hope that "all will be well" but my head knows that will never happen.I have had relationships break up in the past but this one,well its over and he is left hating me (for no reason) that is a first for me... .that makes me feel very hurt and angry.Knowing there is no chance with someone that you love is a hard pill to swallow.But knowing that I would have to go back to someone who treats me so badly... .that would be a harder pill for me.Still makes no sense in my head.NB.xxx

[Pretty Woman]

Well said NearlyBroken. Well said.

Knowing there is no chance with someone that you love is a hard pill to swallow.But knowing that I would have to go back to someone who treats me so badly... .that would be a harder pill for me.

[Ironmanrises]

I need closure to accept that it is over, for me. I've had closure in all my previous relationships prior to this one. I can't be the only person to know she has a mental illness. It isn't fair. When 2 people enter a relationship, there are moral obligations. It just feels like I have to absorb the totality of the responsibility and the totality of the loss that is supposed to be between 2 people. I wasn't in the relationship by myself. That is just my opinion. My logic and way of thinking infused in the realm of BPD gets shredded.

[Turkish]

 I've always been against divorce and have always said a man should do whatever it takes to keep his family together. I'm now having inner conflicts between being honorable and being healthy.

I felt this way, but only threw myself at it full force after it was too late. She let me take on the burden of managing everything with finances, home, children (more than her), and even some things regarding her. It was too d**n much and also to play teenage romance boyfriend with her. She said she was unhappy for a year, but was trying to stay with me for the kids. She compared herself to her mother and always resented her mother for staying with her lying, cheating, abusive father. Oh, wait, I just realized that I'm her mother, and she's her father.

Totally backwards.

I realized it was over when I was trying to work it out (which she acknowledged), but when she said, "what if I can't get the love back, and what if this happens again in 3 years?" Which to me meant "no and yes," then I caught her pathologically lying to me about continuing carrying on with the other dude (she may have stopped seeing him briefly, but was all into the texting and emailing). I said, "It's over!" I know how she attaches to men, and even if she wanted to work it out and tried, she would think it was totally acceptable to keep in contact with the guy as a friend. Utterly wrong. And I won;'t let her cheat on a future guy by doing all of the texting and emailing and talking to me for advice when things start to turn sour in the future. The current guy I don't care, but she will eventually hook up with someone decent, and I won't be part of what she did to me the first year of our r/s. She has no moral guide in life right now, but I will certainly be one to not get enmeshed in her future r/s dysfunction.

Still have a 1% desire to recycle... .but I've painted her black to just about everybody (and she knows it) and it would literally take a miracle to fix this even if she worked on fixing it.

Just want her the heck out of my life except for co-parenting. I think we will probably do well on that. If she gets unstable, she'll just pawn the kids off on me more (she knows she has "something" but wants to medicate instead of fix), and that's freaking fine with me!

[Sammamish]

Blur, sorry to hear your story.  Like me, you took your wedding vows seriously.  I tried doing the "honorable" thing myself.  I put up with my wife's increasingly abusive behaviour because of my own pride and because I was now "married", which apparently changed everything, so I just had to suck it up. WRONG. It was only until I was seriously assaulted by my wife that I had to walk away for my own safety. That is not a normal, healthy marriage.

Everyone around you will have their own opinion about what you should do. But what matters is your health and happiness. This is your life. You have to start looking out for yourself, especially when you are married to someone who is incapable of looking out for you. For me, that is not being selfish or dishonorable, it is about self-preservation and self-respect.

Whatever you decide to do, don't be so hard on yourself. Many of us have made the mistake of marrying the person we thought was "the one" or our life-partner, or whatever the manifestation of those BPD characteristics that we found so alluring. IMHO, when married to someone with this condition it changes everything because the rules of the relationship have changed and are forever changing. That doesn't mean divorce should be the only option considered, but we should be free to make that choice.

[blur]

Thanks for all the replies and kind words. It really helps to reinforce my decision and to know it's the best one.

She and I dated off and on for years before we married. I thought I had seen her at her worse then. I REALLY didn't know her until a few weeks after we were married. I didn't know who I was dealing with from minute to minute.

   From what I have read here I think I became closer to her than ever before, and that brought on her extreme feelings/actions. She just couldn't stand having a good time without doing something (start a fight) to ruin it.

   Like you said, my #1 job is my daughter. And I in NO WAY want her to think that was normal.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I need closure to accept that it is over, for me. I've had closure in all my previous relationships prior to this one. I can't be the only person to know she has a mental illness. It isn't fair. When 2 people enter a relationship, there are moral obligations. It just feels like I have to absorb the totality of the responsibility and the totality of the loss that is supposed to be between 2 people. I wasn't in the relationship by myself. That is just my opinion. My logic and way of thinking infused in the realm of BPD gets shredded.

When logic and proportion

Have fallen sloppy dead

And the White Knight is talking backwards

And the Red Queen's off her head

These words pop in my head many times as I am reading posts and think of my own situation.

It is like we went through the looking glass in these relationships. It is a world that makes no sense and conflicts with our world and ways of thinking. In the beginning we looked around and it seemed so magical. It was like nothing we had ever experienced before and then suddenly everything was off and downright crazy.  But then at times they seem so rational and then oops there it goes again! back to crazymaking and back and forth, back and forth. We just want to get back to the feeling we had when we first walked through but it's just not possible. We thought we had found everything we had always wanted in life. That is a hard hard thing to give up. That is one of the hooks that makes it so difficult to detach from. I think it kind of short circuits our brains for a while. Our brains say cannot compute, cannot compute... .and then fry's. Temporarily I hope!

What makes it so hard is we are trying to rationalize the irrational. We are trying to make sense of the senseless. It is a mind bender and never will be anything but.

Radical acceptance is what I think is the answer to the question. As bitter a pill as that is to swallow!

[Ironmanrises]

I need closure to accept that it is over, for me. I've had closure in all my previous relationships prior to this one. I can't be the only person to know she has a mental illness. It isn't fair. When 2 people enter a relationship, there are moral obligations. It just feels like I have to absorb the totality of the responsibility and the totality of the loss that is supposed to be between 2 people. I wasn't in the relationship by myself. That is just my opinion. My logic and way of thinking infused in the realm of BPD gets shredded.

When logic and proportion

Have fallen sloppy dead

And the White Knight is talking backwards

And the Red Queen's off her head

These words pop in my head many times as I am reading posts and think of my own situation.

It is like we went through the looking glass in these relationships. It is a world that makes no sense and conflicts with our world and ways of thinking. In the beginning we looked around and it seemed so magical. It was like nothing we had ever experienced before and then suddenly everything was off and downright crazy.  But then at times they seem so rational and then oops there it goes again! back to crazymaking and back and forth, back and forth. We just want to get back to the feeling we had when we first walked through but it's just not possible. We thought we had found everything we had always wanted in life. That is a hard hard thing to give up. That is one of the hooks that makes it so difficult to detach from. I think it kind of short circuits our brains for a while. Our brains say cannot compute, cannot compute... .and then fry's. Temporarily I hope!

What makes it so hard is we are trying to rationalize the irrational. We are trying to make sense of the senseless. It is a mind bender and never will be anything but.

Radical acceptance is what I think is the answer to the question. As bitter a pill as that is to swallow!

That awful medicine the doctor prescribes to make you feel better is what radical acceptance feels like to me. I drink it on some days, it makes sense, she has a mental illness that just is and always has been, and i cannot change that. And on other days, i refuse to drink that medicine, i have swallowed all that i could my brain screams out to me! Enough! This really has done a number on me. As if dealing with Major Depression isnt enough all on its own, here is some BPD aftermath to deal with. I am very ill equipped for this sh¥t. I honestly envy those of you on here who are healing correctly.

[Conundrum]

Why is being in a transitory relationship, so sad?  We experieced the highs and lows.  They do not stably attach. It comes with the territory. No one has to accept abuse. They come back. Anyway.  So what.  Never permit abuse. You must always let them know that you are fine without them. Why aren't you fine without them?  I have a gazillion things in life that interest me and many obligations that take me out of myself.  They are intense. So what. That isn't intimacy. A power chord is intense, green chile is intense, a mind blowing book is intense, extreme sports are intense,  my kid having a melt-down is intense. We confuse intensity and idealization for love. No offense, but guys, there are professionals that can roleplay that exact experience, for a night, for the right price. Our pwBPD roleplayed, it's their nature, and if we're honest we roleplayed too. Trying to fit them into conventional relational parmeters is what causes suffering. Just think about them as a  ___ed up friend who you can rarely count on and never know when you might see.  But on occasion there's a transcedental bond. They can't hold onto it, and we probably couldn't either. Letting them go isn't an option--it's mandatory.  What to do when they return, is entirely discretionary.  Apologies, typing on a tablet.

[Changingman]

How did I accept knowing it was over... .

Badly!

It was soo obvious when I came out of the FOG.

I very slowly 'woke up' and realised what an abusive, controlling, manipulative, monster she was, it stunned me. Was she a gold digger, not really, a cheating prostitute, not really, a cold calculated abuser, not really, a hurt helpless child, not really any 'model' to reference her. A void really, just spent all my time trying to fill it ( cliche on this site ) while her crazy dis function spluttered and spun like a cheap Catherine wheel firework.

It wasn't a fairy story gone sour, it was a horror story. A dark filthy disgusting hateful story... .

There will be no recycling because there is nothing to recycle, I know the truth of her. Will she get better, I don't care. That way leads to madness.

Then I've had to work out why me

Goodbye to all that


s.       

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I need closure to accept that it is over, for me. I've had closure in all my previous relationships prior to this one. I can't be the only person to know she has a mental illness. It isn't fair. When 2 people enter a relationship, there are moral obligations. It just feels like I have to absorb the totality of the responsibility and the totality of the loss that is supposed to be between 2 people. I wasn't in the relationship by myself. That is just my opinion. My logic and way of thinking infused in the realm of BPD gets shredded.

When logic and proportion

Have fallen sloppy dead

And the White Knight is talking backwards

And the Red Queen's off her head

These words pop in my head many times as I am reading posts and think of my own situation.

It is like we went through the looking glass in these relationships. It is a world that makes no sense and conflicts with our world and ways of thinking. In the beginning we looked around and it seemed so magical. It was like nothing we had ever experienced before and then suddenly everything was off and downright crazy.  But then at times they seem so rational and then oops there it goes again! back to crazymaking and back and forth, back and forth. We just want to get back to the feeling we had when we first walked through but it's just not possible. We thought we had found everything we had always wanted in life. That is a hard hard thing to give up. That is one of the hooks that makes it so difficult to detach from. I think it kind of short circuits our brains for a while. Our brains say cannot compute, cannot compute... .and then fry's. Temporarily I hope!

What makes it so hard is we are trying to rationalize the irrational. We are trying to make sense of the senseless. It is a mind bender and never will be anything but.

Radical acceptance is what I think is the answer to the question. As bitter a pill as that is to swallow!

That awful medicine the doctor prescribes to make you feel better is what radical acceptance feels like to me. I drink it on some days, it makes sense, she has a mental illness that just is and always has been, and i cannot change that. And on other days, i refuse to drink that medicine, i have swallowed all that i could my brain screams out to me! Enough! This really has done a number on me. As if dealing with Major Depression isnt enough all on its own, here is some BPD aftermath to deal with. I am very ill equipped for this sh¥t. I honestly envy those of you on here who are healing correctly.

Don't get me wrong ironman it is extremely painfull and very hard to accept for me too at times.  I do some healthy things and others maybe would be considered not. I am still struggling but i am starting to see things for what they are. I quote radical acceptance because that is what I know is the truth and the answer not because I am so good at it. That is the what not necessarily the how.

I may be at a different stage of my healing from you. My first discard I was immobilized from depression for almost eight months. I felt like I was in a hole and couldn't get out. I didn't even know it was possible to be in that deep of a depression. I have read your posts and I think you have a healthy attitude about it but it does do a number on you. I don't think most people are equipped to handle this that's why it's good to come here.

Your right too some days are better then others. Somedays I'm like wow. I can't believe I ever put up with all that. I'm cured! And the next day I'm back to longing for him and confused. I guess what that tells me is I'm healing. It's like a scab that starts itching while it's healing. It's a sign your going in the right direction.

One thing in my last depression I was drinking wine every night. My therapist told me that alcohol creates what's called a double depression. I stopped and it really really made a huge difference and I started to work out. I just made myself even though I didn't feel like it. I also walked which for me helped so much. It was good for my head and body. Hence the name. I know these are all the things people say but it is so true.

I'm sorry your feeling so bad. I know how dark it can be because I was there. if you keep working at it it will get better. Just doesn't move as fast as we want.

Someday you will wake up and the joy will be back in your life. I just know it.

[Changingman]

Yes joy,

I sound really healthy with advice, but pretty messed up still. I hate that word 'trigger' but it's so perfect. I'm now having trouble with an xBF of hers who I met before her, he introduced us. Her best friend obviously.

He's got something wrong with him to, maybe the same. I think the same, more narsacistic though.

I told him nicely I didn't want the hear from him for a while, but no boundaries he phones me every few weeks wanting a friendship, partner drink drugs, place to stay. I've now blocked his number.

I don't want her to have any way back to me.

The traits of BPD waif are so exact it's mind boggling. She feels like a robot, or one of those disturbingly realistic sex dolls that we've all seen on a documentary, waiting to be dressed up and ******, but toxic, radioactive, poisonous.

She is it, can't really see anything else now, just me/whoever mirrored and the disorder.

Just a void with chaos. Chewed fingers, sex piercings, scabby neck, dyed red hair, broken toothed, alcoholic veins throbbing, tears rolling down her face, angry and hurt about how useless she is. Or in moments of total control manipulation, sadistic abuser8.