BPD . . .What do you all think

[willneverno]

My wife and her first husband migrated here from eastern europe,that marriage had been troubled for some years,with him(according to her)having many affairs.The story she told was horrendous,they had one young child (a daughter).She claimed he had many women in his life and was planning to bring more direct from the old country.This tale seemed outragous,who could not have sympathy for this poor girl.There were many separations until my wife left her husband and got with a career criminal,this relationship led to her serving seven years in prison,this woman is well educated and was at the time of her crime a Phd student.Fast forward seven and a bit years,I met her after her release (everyones entitled to one mistake),perfect partner for two years,then came the phone call,out of nowhere came the accusation of cheating,never ending,just the beginning.She said I was with many partners including the daughters of our best friends.Many crazy thoughts were coming from her,if I turned the light on in the bathroom I was sending a signal to a lover,if a car horn sounded in traffic,that was a signal,when the mobile phone rang,if a car was stopped on the roadside,if a pillow on the lounge was moved,and a thousand other things.Then she started seeing things,if a man said g'day in the street,over time it would be recalled as a woman,many more things to say,but am using space,BPD or not . . .She has moved on,Ive been replaced,picked up on dating site,it hurts a bit,she left six weeks ago,no contact since. . .                                                                

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

This sounds really tough, is this the first place you have voiced your concerns over her state of mind?

Not sure if this is BPD or not, or at least combined with another disorder. There is a very high level of paranoia going on.

Was this a permanent switch or was her behavior very on and off? As in all good then bad, swinging very quickly

Did she have any mental illness diagnosis whilst in prison?

[willneverno]

    This is the first public airing of this.I got her to go to psycologist,she would only go alone.Her behavior was very on and very off initially but towards the end it was on most of the time,Im unsure of any diagnosis whilst in prison,she could work herself into such a state at night in bed the poor woman would shudder uncontrolled and drop weight so quickly,she would believe songs were about her,messages secreted into TV ads were about her,a highly intelligent girl,but bad days were really bad,so many of the symptoms of BPD I read her seem to apply to her.She never threatened me,but on occasion instinct would tell me to secure the knives . . .

[waverider]

Does any of this seem familiar?

psychosis

[willneverno]

I had a look at psychosis information,sadly I fear this may be the case,maybe her personality disorder is not so borderline.I hope she is ok,but I know somehow she wont be.The crime she commited is seen by some as an act of bravery,but I know it was driven by mental illness nothing more,her story as like so many others,is so very tragic,I miss her every day.

[efarns]

Your description rings familiar.  Last week, Mrs. efarns woke up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and, when she turned on the bathroom light, she says a car in a neighbor's driveway turned on its headlights to "signal someone" on the block.

She got into a huge fight when we were working together and got us both terminated because one of our coworkers was playing pop music on her phone.  The Mrs. claimed the poor girl was using them to send me secret messages.

There's a strong element of paranoia at play.

[waverider]

Psychosis episodes are common with BPD, as it is with many mental illnesses. My partner certainly experiences it. If it permanently sets in it becomes a disorder in its own  right

[willneverno]

I think I failed my wife in the way I tried to deal with the problem,when she spoke of affairs with people we knew,I simply said to ask them,when she said a car was following her I said to take the licence plate number,if she seen a car parked she should take photo on her phone,when I spoke on the phone she should listen in,she would do none of this.I could simply disprove most accusations.This seemed to "paint her into a corner",the accusations became wilder and more constant,I realize now,a bit too late,she had no room to move with the accusations,she had to leave"press the reset button" and start again with someone new,a fresh canvas perhaps . . .I am so sorry in the way I dealt with the problem,if only I had found this site sooner,so efarns old mate,I say to you,please consider every response very carefully and do a lot of research,your best intentions can bite both of you quite badly . . . 

[efarns]

I'm here to learn what some better responses might be.

[willneverno]

If I had my time over,I would seek professional help for myself,hoping I might be able to develop a strategy to deal better with the problem,and also gain an insight into possible therapy for her.She was at the house today,while I was at work,loaded her car with this and that and drove off according to neighbours,no issue,she can take anything she wants,no note,no anything.

[willneverno]

It seems to be quite common,that the internet,social media and mobile phones play a role in many of our stories,Bpd partners that cruise dating sites looking for replacements (as my wife did),being on facebook and like sites to seemingly gather information for use as future ammunition,and the effect of mobile phones and the need of Bpd partners to check messages,incoming and outgoing phone numbers.In my case,my wife could leap out of bed in the middle of the night,to check SMS,numbers and email.Does anyone know has there been any official study into these things and indeed their contribution to mental health problems.Is Bpd more common now than before modern technology,is it the same,or has it somehow adapted itself to become simply another weapon of the pwBpd . . . I understand there are many aspects of Bpd,in my wifes case technology was a major player in her illness in my view.

[Cloudy Days]

I don't think technology has caused my husbands problems but I think it definitely causes a lot of problems that would otherwise never existed. Because with the use of technology he always seems to think that If I have my phone I am contacting a lover. I get so sick of hearing that... .I think Technology is a curse to anyone who has a BPD lover. Because there is just so much that can go wrong with it. For instance, I get a random friend request from a male that I went to school with. My husband immediately says this is who I am cheating on him with  . Or another scenario, my husband sees an old friend on his Facebook, starts chatting with her and as soon as he hits a bump with me, he starts spouting terrible things to this old friend about me. I get hurt and feel betrayed, he regrets it after the fact and deletes his Facebook completely. 

[willneverno]

Hello Cloudy Days,I can relate to what you have experienced,we all have terrible difficulties with our Bpd partners,I wonder how they think,the only positive thing to come from your story,is that your husband shows regret,he must realize he has wronged you,my wife showed none,she would only ever say she was of superior intelligence and was never wrong,in all these years she never said sorry.In these last few months I have tried to learn more about Bpd,the workings of their minds amaze me,your spot on when you say technology is a curse to partners,it is a minefield,we are the casualties.there is physical abuse by some,psychological abuse by others,abuse due to technology is perhaps an emerging form of mistreatment.I am so sorry you go through this,but I gain strength to hear that I am not the only one,good to hear from you . . .

[Cloudy Days]

I am fortunate that he apologizes and shows remorse, usually. I have seen others on here that have said they don't get apologies ever either. He did shut down his Facebook too, he doesn't believe in cheating of any kind and I think he feels that he did betray me so he got rid of the culprit which was Facebook. I think getting therapy helps too though. He tries harder now than he ever has. 

You mentioned she was in prison. I actually think prison causes a lot of the Borderline Behaviors in itself. I know my husband was never the same person again. I didn't know him before prison but he told me himself that he doesn't feel like the same person. He has major PTSD from it and honestly I think prison ruined him to where he can't be around people. He doesn't trust anyone or anything, I kind of got the impression that is how your wife was. So that may offer you some insight.

[willneverno]

Yes your right,prison changed her and affected her greatly,I didnt know her prior to "the trouble" as she called it,but I know she was never the same,she was in maximum security for some years and was in segregation (solitary confinement) for quite some time.Her story is very sad and very complex,she always said that the prison system held people who should be getting professional psychiatric treatment,she also said it caused more damage,than it solved for some people.She reasoned it was cheaper to put people in prison than to treat their illness,maybe in some way,she was talking about herself.I hold great hope for you and your husband,he sounds like a good bloke who knows he has a problem and is trying to correct it,it sounds like you two will make out ok.