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Author Topic: How good was your BPD at hiding cheating?  (Read 13183 times)
damage control
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« Reply #60 on: December 16, 2013, 02:26:30 PM »

Oh yes ... the withdrawal of sex ... .

It's a power game,a way to make the other person question their attractiveness and what they mean (or don't) to the one who no longer wants it etc ... .

I am still caught up in this game because living in the same house with him, we share food, long conversations, laughter etc ... up until recently we sometimes still even shared a bed - even though we are split.

But sex? No. He doesn't have those 'feelings' anymore ... .in fact, they changed pretty much overnight and he now has sex with my replacement while I look on ... is it cheating? It was ... he was seducing her online while I slept in his bed unaware ... he was screwing me while planning to dump me and move on to her ... .

Yes, they do stop sex when they are withdrawing ... and/or cheating.

He stopped f^cking my body and now it's just my head.
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Pearl55
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« Reply #61 on: December 16, 2013, 06:08:17 PM »

He stopped f^cking my body and now it's just my head.

Soo true!
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Changingman
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« Reply #62 on: December 16, 2013, 06:54:02 PM »

Ah!

Just had a new thought... .

Physical cheating follows emotional cheating.

Let's stop making this thread about sex, that's them baiting us in the most shameful way... .

What about emotional cheating, I knew that from week 8+ ish. Started small, Odd glimpses, small hurts, tiny betrayals and they grew from then on.

Jesus, that is the real stuff, oh the SOB. Never again. Oh it's hard, until you let go of the BS learned stuff.

Oh yes it's in the details.

Chased off dad and was completely incapable of keeping a family together. Blamed dad, 5 kids, lord it's so simple.

My uBPDxw is completely incapable as well

( slap to head ) sheesh, this is rough cloth.

Let there be love, all this crazy, facade ends with me. I've been a good dad, now I'm starting to think a great dad as I've had to make it up with no previous knowledge. The first 3 kids ok, the last two, myself and my next up sister, so troubled, she left at 14, me and my dad would meet up and deliver food to her table



Dammit
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Jbt857
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« Reply #63 on: December 16, 2013, 07:40:08 PM »

 I don't think you can necessarily equate withdrawal of sex as a definitive characteristic of BPD or equate it with being an obvious sign of cheating. There's a thread on the L2 board, and many nons have/had withdrawn from sex (myself included) because of a loss of trust and other things going on emotionally. For me, it wasn't to punish or to make my ex feel bad deliberately, or because I was getting it elsewhere, it was simply symptomatic of other things going on in my marriage and I couldn't go there emotionally because of how I felt, although I really wished I could have, as I believe it would have improved our situation, even only temporarily, because communication had broken down so badly between us.
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Mutt
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« Reply #64 on: December 16, 2013, 08:03:29 PM »

I don't think you can necessarily equate withdrawal of sex as a definitive characteristic of BPD or equate it with being an obvious sign of cheating. There's a thread on the L2 board, and many nons have/had withdrawn from sex (myself included) because of a loss of trust and other things going on emotionally. For me, it wasn't to punish or to make my ex feel bad deliberately, or because I was getting it elsewhere, it was simply symptomatic of other things going on in my marriage and I couldn't go there emotionally because of how I felt, although I really wished I could have, as I believe it would have improved our situation, even only temporarily, because communication had broken down so badly between us.

I speak for my experience. I think that there's a difference between communincating physical and emotional needs between two adults and choosing to project that withdrawal on your partner. I guess non's can project as well.

Denegrading a partner and calling them homosexual isn't what I would constitute as communicating your needs or trying. It's abusive behavior.

The marriage and r/s is done. Never mattered what I did or how hard I tried on anything. Ever.

The chase was over with my ex when I got married. Game over. Unto the next shiny object.

Cheating on a spouse is not excusable any way you cut it. She's tried to excuse the behavior multiple times when I had brought it up with her pretzel logic.

Doesn't matter to me anymore other than fitting the pieces of this crazy puzzle to ease my mind.
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lonelyh1
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« Reply #65 on: December 18, 2013, 05:50:42 AM »

My uBPDw is driving me crazy. 

She implied she had an affair then denied it every happened.  She told me 9 years in about a guy that was calling her for two years. I asked her why did she talk/meet him. WShe said ti was my fault. She lied about the number of times of contact. The first two years of our marriage. 

Then she told me if she had an affair, she would never tell me. I believe this is true.

When they spli, they can justify everything they do.  She says she prefect I am the troubled one in the relationship.  I think she is right I am in troubled.

I never suspected a thing.
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Pearl55
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« Reply #66 on: December 18, 2013, 06:23:05 AM »

Lonely 1

Deep down she knows that she is not normal at all and that's why she thinks it's must be something wrong with you to stay with her and also she projects her illness to you as well. Have you ever felt you are going nuts? That's why.

When they cheat and we tolerate that they see us very weak and unworthy. This make them to abuse us more. A 3 year old has got no boundaries, as long as we let them they use and abuse us.

She hurts you on a purpose and enjoy it because she's sadistic. Does she really worth it? You be the judge!
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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #67 on: December 18, 2013, 07:35:56 AM »

Eclectic,

   Mine told me when her ex came to visit (I met the ex this visit) that her ex wanted to kiss her and she said "no, that would be so disrespectful to Earth Angel".

Not even a month later I get dumped on my arse and she is running up to Minnesota to be with her "soulmate" (the ex).

Then, we get back together because on her way back from Minnesota she realized she wasn't going to be able to keep a LD relationship... .she texts me 50 plus times to call her.

Just last month we were out with a bunch a friends at a bar and I left early (around 9) it was a work night. My ex calls me at 3am and says, "Just so you know _____ drank way too much and so I am taking her to my house and we are leaving her car here". So I am thinking 1) Why are you still out? 2) Why are you calling me at 3am?  I was really upset.

So in the weeks that follow she tells me if we were not together she thinks hit__ would be interested. Fast forward to a week before my birthday (Nov 1st) and she comes to my house and tells me "we should see other people". I knew immediately who my replacement was.

When you look at it, things really follow a pattern with these individuals. My T basically told me, "you do know she kissed her ex, right?" and "you do know she was fooling around with that girl, right?"

It is sad I allowed myself to feel blame for all this. Everything she said to me I took to heart, while I was never emotionally nor physically unfaithful.

I do believe once a cheater always a cheater. Regardless of BPD or not. I know karma will eventually catch both of them.
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rogerroger
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« Reply #68 on: December 18, 2013, 09:26:41 AM »

A better question for me is: how badly did you want to be loved that you ignored all of the signs and evidence and your friends just to live your fantasy a little while longer.

Yes and yes.

Even when I had seen the text messages and overheard the phone calls from the other men, I tried to believe her when she said, "I would never ever cheat on you. You are the love of my life!"
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Octoberfest
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« Reply #69 on: December 18, 2013, 09:47:44 AM »

A better question for me is: how badly did you want to be loved that you ignored all of the signs and evidence and your friends just to live your fantasy a little while longer.

Yes and yes.

Even when I had seen the text messages and overheard the phone calls from the other men, I tried to believe her when she said, "I would never ever cheat on you. You are the love of my life!"

Truly sick people who can look you in the eye and say those things when they are in fact doing exactly what they swear to you they aren't.  And sad that we want it to be true so badly that we will believe them, even when we know that they are lying.
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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #70 on: December 18, 2013, 09:53:23 AM »

I also withdrew from sex. I was so untrusting of her. I couldn't be physically intimate with someone who had lied and cheated on me so many times.

And yes... .in my situation emotional cheating led to physical cheating.

They literally attach to the new person immediately and take on all their interests.

I still find it baffling that they blame you for the demise of the relationship while they are cheating on you. Um... .hello?
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hybridax

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« Reply #71 on: December 23, 2013, 12:23:45 AM »

She told me she wanted to slow things down a bit, that we were moving too fast.  Said she wanted to go home... .1 hour away, and take care of her cat and do laundry since she has been with me for the past 5 days. 

5 days later I wake up to my roommate calling my phone asking if she is in a different state thats 2000 miles away.  He tells me to go on facebook.  Boom, pics of them together hanging out... .She came back a week later, I confronted her, and now she is living with this guy out there.  They barley know each other... .
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arn131arn
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« Reply #72 on: December 23, 2013, 12:52:08 AM »

Damn, this question hurts bad.  

Almost too hard to write about this, but hopefully it's therapeutic and will help me move on bc it's black and white and in my own words.

So, we were on one of her splits.  I went to MY house that I LET her stay in bc I didn't want to uproot my son.  I could tell she had been drinking that day all day by the pool and was passing out.

I was able to read all the texts i her phone.  3 different guys and her asking a friend about another.  One text was from a 67 yr old man saying that he was looking forward to having wine again with her when he got back in town.  She was 35 years old at the time   (the vomit smiley is my favorite this week, can you tell?)

A few days later I texted her from work, and she didn't answer.  I said when you are done with getting wine at (said place) give me a call.  almost IMMEDIATELY my phone rings and she is in a rage.  I literally had to go to the bathroom so noone else would hear.  Funny how they all of a sudden hear the phone or it is automatically charged again, right?

Anyway, after that no more.  Security codes on phones, and changed email passwords.

What kills me is after 14 years of being together, a son together, building her a beautiful home to live in bill free, not ONE picture of us together on FB.  Not on "in a relationship with... ."

That hurts bc I feel like I wasn't  good enough to be her man publicly, only used to have a place to hang your hat, and be a father for her child.

That's what wakes me up in the middle of the night... .That feeling of uselessness and not providing enough

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Mutt
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« Reply #73 on: December 23, 2013, 01:19:19 AM »

That's what wakes me up in the middle of the night... .That feeling of uselessness and not providing enough

That sounds like a lot, but don't be hard on yourself. It's entitlement to them. It's like pouring water into a milk jug with the bottom cut out. It's never enough.

Not you or the next guy, or the guy after that will be able to fill that void of hers.

It sucks, but we have to give ourselves a break.
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hurtbyboderline
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« Reply #74 on: December 23, 2013, 03:12:12 AM »

The above post reminds me of what my Psychiatrist says about Borderlines & happiness. "Borderlines are like a bucket with millions of holes in it. It doesn't matter how much happiness we pour in, it just runs out the holes."... .Thank God for this web site where I can read others experiences with their Borderlines. Mine cheated, probably many more times than I realized. I left her & it's been almost 3 months no contact. From time to time I think I miss her & should contact her. Reading on this site helps me to realize what a BIG mistake that would be!   Thank You Everyone!   zzz
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Surnia
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« Reply #75 on: December 23, 2013, 04:32:28 AM »

Staff only

This thread has reached the page limit and is now locked.  Feel free to pick one of the topics from the thread to start a new one.

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