Another blow-up; lessons or just a boundary?

[zaqsert]

So we had another blow-up this morning.  My uBPDw had asked me last night to move some clothes into the dryer.  I did other things, some of them to let her go to bed because she wasn't feeling well.  But I forgot about the clothes in the dryer.  This morning she got furious, telling me there were things she really needed in there.

Unrelated (yet also related, I believe), my wife has been saying for a couple of weeks that she is going to post some things for sale since we are moving about one week from now.  Last week she had almost two full days to do it, but she watched TV instead.  This week she had at least one mostly-full day to do it, but still hasn't.  I asked about it yesterday.  She told me she had not done it.  I told her I feel worried that we will not be able to sell it in time and if we don't then we will need to figure out how to get rid of it.  Either way, we need to figure it out soon.

She probably felt guilty, although I had not intended it that way.  At no time did I attack her for not having done it.  I tried to stick to stating my feelings and the facts calmly.  Since she wasn't feeling well, I offered to try to post the items.  I asked her to show me how.  She did.  I told her I did not know if I would be able to get to it last night, and thanks for showing me just in case.  In hindsight, even asking her to show me so that I could do it (since she still has not) may have felt invalidating to her.

Because I did not post the items for sale last night, this morning she angrily threw it in my face as an example of how she can "never" rely on me for anything and how work, my FOO, or anything else is always more important.

I had tried SET a few times this morning.  It didn't seem to help.  But later I realized it may have been because she was already dysregulated.  Attempting SET, I tried to counter some of the accusations by mentioning my Truth, once, without repeating it (hoping that would be Truth without Justifying or Defending).  I think it only escalated her rage.  I should have just walked away.

The lessons are excellent.  It's still a continual learning journey, as it is for so many of us.  And I need to remember that I can't take the PD out of my pwBPD.

What do you think I should have tried differently?  What do you think I should try now?

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[Seashells]

Hi Zaqsert,

Good Morning     I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough go of things.  Moving is almost always stressful for everyone involved, yes? 

I just stopped in for a moment and after reading, noticed you mentioned your wife isn't feeling well. 

I'm not sure if this approach would be best or work, but this thought just came to me after reading your post.  Perhaps if she's calm enough and you could ask her more about how she is feeling and just listen for a bit (kind of validating the fact she's not feeling well and how it's affecting her).  Then outline your concerns again, and ask her what she thinks the two of you can do about the situation together?

What can she commit to that will help?  It will probably make her feel better even if she can accomplish something small and build from there.  (Even if it's "helping" you take photo's or whatever you're doing to post the stuff for sale)

In other words make it come across as a team effort working together and get her input.  If she's expecting you to do everything, and you're expecting you to do everything (kind of), it's going to be even more exhausting and disappointing and leave you holding the bag. 

I'm not real familiar with your situation, so take this with a grain of salt if you don't think it would work. 

I'm sorry you're going through it, and perhaps others will have more to add.

I just wanted to take a moment and acknowledge the post. 

Be well.

[zaqsert]

Thanks, Seashells!

Moving does tend to be stressful.

You bring up a good point about validating her feelings about not feeling well.  I've gotten so used to hearing her complain of one ailment or another that I partially tuned it out.  Validating her feelings, even about not feeling well, certainly wouldn't hurt, especially while we're going through a somewhat stressful time anyway.

There have been a few things that she offered to and even committed to do, and then did not do.  I agree that it will be good for her to do some of these things.  I am just not sure what she would commit to and go through with.

I particularly like your "team effort" suggestion.  I thought we were doing that by splitting up tasks and asking for input along the way.  But I think my wife may be more likely to follow through when I am doing things with her.  She may just end up leaving it to me anyway, but at least the chances of her following through may be somewhat higher.

As an update to my story, after my wife was nasty towards me for several hours today (which I mostly ignored, without letting her take it out on me), she then suddenly started posting the items for sale and handling responses to inquiries about them.  From that point on, she dropped the nasty treatment.  I should probably take this as a reminder that the lessons may not stop dysregulation once it starts, but they can help to make it a shorter cycle.

[zaqsert]

In further hindsight, I think my wife was projecting a bunch of stuff of her own onto me the other day.  It can be amazing how much these projections can offer a glimpse into what may be going on in our pwBPD's mind.

[briefcase]

Because I did not post the items for sale last night, this morning she angrily threw it in my face as an example of how she can "never" rely on me for anything and how work, my FOO, or anything else is always more important.

I had tried SET a few times this morning.  It didn't seem to help.  But later I realized it may have been because she was already dysregulated.  Attempting SET, I tried to counter some of the accusations by mentioning my Truth, once, without repeating it (hoping that would be Truth without Justifying or Defending).  I think it only escalated her rage.  I should have just walked away.

SET is a gentle way to share a truth with someone else.  The Support and Empathy parts of a SET statement are intended to be suportive and validating so the Truth, when it arrives, is cushioned and less likely to trigger. 

But, a SET statement by definition is really not validation, at least not in a pure sense.  It's really an attempt to Explain something (the truth of a situation, at least as you see it).   

In general, when a person with BPD is triggered or about to trigger, SET is not really the right tool for the moment.  It's best to validate emotions, and save your truth for sometime later when things are more calm.  Or, if a rage has started already, to just walk away and take a time out (like you ended up doing). 

In general, SET is best employed when things are calm and you want to bring something up, its not a way to defuse an already bad situation.

Hope this helps.

[zaqsert]

Thanks, Briefcase.  That makes sense.  It helps a lot, actually.

I finally started reading The Power of Validation.  So hopefully I will learn to be a better validator.  It is amazing to see how well it can work.  I tried it just today with my 3 year-old daughter.  She got pretty upset about something I had done.  She didn't understand why I had done it.  I validated her feelings, she snapped out of it within seconds, and we went back to playing. A short while later, she didn't really even seem interested in my explanation of why I had done what I did.

With my wife, I think I still need to accept that she is entitled to her own reality, no matter how skewed it appears to me.  At some point I tend to want to share my view of reality too, but it feels like too often it makes her feel invalidated.  And I definitely need to remember that the moment she turns to verbal attacks, I just need to walk away and take a time out since I likely will not be able to get my Truth across, no matter how I try.

[Seashells]

With my wife, I think I still need to accept that she is entitled to her own reality, no matter how skewed it appears to me.  At some point I tend to want to share my view of reality too, but it feels like too often it makes her feel invalidated.  And I definitely need to remember that the moment she turns to verbal attacks, I just need to walk away and take a time out since I likely will not be able to get my Truth across, no matter how I try.

It sounds (?) like perhaps the day improved.  I hope so for your sake.

I found myself enforcing a boundary today too.  It involved me **NOT** sharing my own view of reality with him, (nor trying too hard to make him understand mine) nor trying to be "right".  Nor needing or wanting him to  validate me.  (as in agreeing with me, or at least understanding). 

As per my usual coddling, JADING or avoiding an issue for the ... .(exaggeration warning) 10,000th time or so; I didn't try to explain hoping he would finally "get it".  I just did it.  I can't say it was great, yet I didn't get a barrage of nasty texts which would be the norm, either. 

A small success.

It's a bit of a strange feeling.  And your last sentence above makes so much sense.  I think it's a point where we stop trying to "beat our heads into a wall".  And probably let go of outcomes. 

Two steps forward, one step back.  Just like the Texas Two Step. 

How's the move going?

[waverider]

The important thing about SET is that it empowers you to be able to be honest and share your version of reality, rather than just being afraid to speak, bottling it up. It is done in a way whereby you are respecting their right to have their own reality without coming across as selling them yours.  It is a kind of supportive way of agreeing to disagree.

I hear you

I am interesting in your view

This is my view

I accept my view maybe different to yours, and that is OK.

[Grey Kitty]

At some point I tend to want to share my view of reality too, but it feels like too often it makes her feel invalidated.

This is a natural one--you want validation, yourself. I've been there.

I also remember deciding that my wife (at the time) didn't have the emotional capacity to do this for me, and took a pragmatic approach of simply shutting my mouth and not looking for that sort of validation from her. My thought process went like this:

1. I want validation.

2. My wife is going to make it be all about herself, and give me a ration of crap (and invalidation) if I seek it from her now.

3. I'll just feel worse, rather than better if I do this.

4. I think I'll look for some other source of validation--just trusting my own reality, posting on bpdfamily.com, or talking to somebody who gets it better than my wife.

I also found that this varied with time, mood, and subject. (Asking her to understand how she was hurting me was a really tough one to find her in a good enough mental state to respond supportively!)