We are not perfect either...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Don't you ever think about the traits you might display yourself? We all have them. None of us are perfect in any shape or form.

[Bit Lost]

Don't you ever think about the traits you might display yourself? We all have them. None of us are perfect in any shape or form.

[BorderlineMagnet]

I've thought about it due to having 2 pwBPDexgfs in a row. I think my issue was being too accepting and ignoring red flags that popped up right away. I felt there was something kinda off about these 2 girls (the first one I knew something was very wrong), but I felt that they deserved to be cared for and loved despite their problems. Everyone has problems. It really came back and bit me in the ass nearly 6 years later though. Since my last break-up with my most recent BPDex I've been more vigilant. I dated a girl that on the very second day we knew each other wanted to be my gf. She seemed very clingy and always had some kind of sob story if I didn't wanna see her. After a week and a half I told her I didn't want to see her anymore. Did she have a PD? I'll never know. I just know I didn't wanna find out.

[musicfan42]

I'm curious as to why you're posting this Bit Lost. What made you think about this?

What kind of traits do you think that you display?

[Turkish]

Don't you ever think about the traits you might display yourself? We all have them. None of us are perfect in any shape or form.

Who here has said they are perfect? You may be too hard on yourself. We certainly share responsibility for our relationships (which by definition is two... .or more in some cases... .people), especially those of us who lasted long term. But are you saying we have BPD traits?

I'll bite on one... .me giving people the silent treatment and shutting down when offended or wronged. I did this now and then with mine, even at the end (which triggered her abandonment fears, nevermind the blatant teen mom immaturity and abusive behavior on her part). I've gotten much better over the years in not doing this, however. My often shy, socially anxious upwBPDx certainly forced me to become even more social and open in a way, though I was already on that way myself before I met her.

All in all, I treat people very well, almost everybody, almost all of the time. It is a quality of character that everyone has always noticed about me (teachers, peers, employers and bosses, and friends, obviously). Her? Not so much... .which makes me wonder why I kept ignoring red flags so much and proceeded with our r/s for so long. That, too, is a fault many of us here share... .the co-dependency in overdrive.

[santa]

This all comes down to how you treat other people. Most of us treat others with a certain degree of courtesy. It doesn't mean we're perfect. But the level of complete lunacy these BPD people exhibit, for the sheer purpose of creating chaos, is completely unacceptable in a civilized society.

[fromheeltoheal]

Don't you ever think about the traits you might display yourself? We all have them. None of us are perfect in any shape or form.

Of course, since a healthy person would not get involved with a borderline, in fact us 'susceptible' ones who have targets painted on our back, we're the ones who show up on borderline radar, and then once the attachment is consummated, a loaded bond forms, with us contributing our half to the dysfunction, which is why it hurts so much when we part, much more than a 'normal' breakup.

So what we do is beat the evil borderline up for a while, that wanes and/or we get tired of it, then we start looking at ourselves, which is where all the growth is.  Hallelujah!

[DragoN]

This all comes down to how you treat other people. Most of us treat others with a certain degree of courtesy. It doesn't mean we're perfect. But the level of complete lunacy these BPD people exhibit, for the sheer purpose of creating chaos, is completely unacceptable in a civilized society.

Treat everyone with courtesy and common decency even the schizophrenic down the road in his alternate reality. As the boss, my employees enjoyed working for me. I was surprised to learn that. Get along with well people in real life and don't experience arguments and all that. Don't ever have "fights" with friends as I leave people alone that I find something really off with. Do whatever they want, it's not my business to tell others how to live.

Of course, since a healthy person would not get involved with a borderline, in fact us 'susceptible' ones who have targets painted on our back, we're the ones who show up on borderline radar, and then once the attachment is consummated, a loaded bond forms, with us contributing our half to the dysfunction, which is why it hurts so much when we part, much more than a 'normal' breakup.

True, but I am not in the habit of making the same mistake twice and one would be a recycle by the looks of it. There were contributing circumstances at the time and lack of knowledge about PD's. No longer the case, and when  PD shows up on the radar it's a screaming meemie to head for the hills and watch them from a safe distance.

Don't you ever think about the traits you might display yourself? We all have them. None of us are perfect in any shape or form.

In short, yes, when I see whacky PD behavior? I will shove it off and away. I have no patience for dealing with it. That's my black/ white and it's not twisted, it's healthy.

[Ironmanrises]

I have Major Depression(a mental illness). I tried to kill myself twice. I put my parents through hell in those 2 attempts. I have had to live with that knowledge every day since. To try and end my pain, I only ended up causing those whom love me a great mountain of pain. I am not perfect, I know. But I did not do things like my exUBPDgf did to me and not have shown genuine remorse in the aftermath of the actions. A huge difference.

[hergestridge]

I don't think we should try to be perfect either. If we expected perfection from ourselves we should be narcisists (I know some people on this board argue that people that are attracted to BPDs are in fact narcisists, but that's another story).

One of the "weapons" that my BPD wife has used to keep me from setting up boundaries and delivering justified criticism is exactly this... ."you're not perfect either!".

Of course I'm not. I'm perfectly normal thank you. Keeping a job, having friends and no need to see a doctor. I didn't ask for perfection. I was asked not to be treated like a dog.

I have really done some soul searching on this issue. I have discovered that a lot of "my" issues were in fact my wives. When our daughter was born three years ago this became crystal clear. 95% of the problems in my life are related to my wife and her issues. When I'm away from her it's like vacation. My wife has tons of issues related to all the other people in her life (apart from me) and to herself. When she's with me she blames and projects on me. When she's away from me she can't manage on her own.

Of course I'm not perfect, but my issues are nothing significant compared to the issues my BPD wife has imported into my life. I'm not saying this goes for us "nons" in general, but for me it's like this. If I was to be separated from her for a longer period of time, perhaps I would discover some issues that I would like to deal with within myself. But that would require some calm and silence. Right now my life is so full of HER.

[MrFox]

I will take full ownership of my co-dependence issues.  It took dating two women with BPD before I was finally was able to admit that there were issues that I need to deal with in myself.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Given that I did two recycles with the last woman and countless times with the one before her, I was less a victim then an active participant in a very sick dance.

I do not blame either of these women for my personal issues.  My issue with the last women, and one of the reasons I am here, is because of the viscountess in which she has acted since the break-up and the seemingly complete lack of remorse she has shown for such actions. 

[MrFox]

*Viciousness, not viscountess*  Thanks for that, spell check.

[GreenMango]

x-posted with MrFox (Vicountess  love that word sounds so much better than viciousness!)

Bit Lost

Nobody is perfect.  You don't need to be perfect to be lovable - though coming out of these relationships can do a number on self esteem. 

bpdfamily has a personal inventory board.  The next phase after joining and spending some time on the relationship boards like the Leaving board.  It opens up to senior members (+50 posts) to move towards taking the focus off of the person with BPD in your life and refocusing on your needs and priorities, because you are important.  And if you were like me, you spent a lot time focusing on the other person at the cost of yourself.

The Personal Inventory Board has polls, quizzes, personality inventories (anger style, INTJ-ENFP test, etc), feature threads on how to develop healthier coping strategies, emotional maturity skills like communication, expectations, etc.  The threads are pretty cool because when that board gets good involvement you really get to know each other and have lots of support as you try dipping your toe into new areas.  No worries about feeling embarrassed. 

So if you want to wander over there here's the link: Taking Personal Inventory

If you have any questions about that board send a PM to any of the staff and we'd be happy to answer them.

Happy Holidays and hope to see you over there.   

[pecia]

I know that this site has really made me realize how co-dependent I was/am (getting better  ). I am also still very quick to express an emotion and later feel bad about it. I will be so mad at him and react instead of respond. That didn't do anything but fuel the fire. And circular arguments were a frequent occurrence (he still tries to bait me but I am getting better at that too). I think we do all have some BPD traits, and lord knows we have all been accused of having it by our BPD loved ones. I think many people have one trait or another in varying degrees - just not all of them.

[maxen]

I will take full ownership of my co-dependence issues.  It took dating two women with BPD before I was finally was able to admit that there were issues that I need to deal with in myself.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me. 

... .

I do not blame either of these women for my personal issues.  My issue with the last women, and one of the reasons I am here, is because of the viscountess in which she has acted since the break-up and the seemingly complete lack of remorse she has shown for such actions.

thank you mr fox, i could have written exactly that, word for word. (except the bit about the viscountess!)

[MrFox]

I will take full ownership of my co-dependence issues.  It took dating two women with BPD before I was finally was able to admit that there were issues that I need to deal with in myself.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me. 

... .

I do not blame either of these women for my personal issues.  My issue with the last women, and one of the reasons I am here, is because of the viscountess in which she has acted since the break-up and the seemingly complete lack of remorse she has shown for such actions.

thank you mr fox, i could have written exactly that, word for word. (except the bit about the viscountess!)

I think a lot of people here have similar experiences, excluding the European royalty part

It seems to me that co-dependence and BPD go very well together.  Like gasoline and fire go well together.

[broken but not beaten]

I most certainly am not perfect and I made a point to my ex to reiterate this as I felt myself being put on the pedestal. I've raged and said some hurtful things... and quite frankly behaved in a way I'm ashamed of. I own those mistakes and behaviours and have sincerely appologised to ex... but its just me with further hostility and blame with zero ownership on her part. She would make an allegation as if to expect me to be defensive and try reason then tell me she didn't want to talk about it. How damn frustrating. How sad that we simply can't communicate and accept our roles in what went wrong instead of me carrying everything... holding that burden which is wearing me down

[TakingWingAtLast]

Hergestridge,

I was unaware of this idea about narcissism and it's potential relationship with BPD.   I can totally see a NPD with the BPDs.   However, I think that for many nonBPDs, in order to maintain some kind of grounded reality for ourselves in the face of the onslaught of devaluing and projecting, then developing the idea that the nonBPD is "right" and the pwBPDs are "wrong" makes a lot of sense to me!  This would absolutely appear narcissistic!  Especially, to the pwBPD!

I know that I certainly found myself thinking in that way. 

Besides, I have a whole bunch of flaws!  Too many to make it on here as there is a limit to how much you can write!   

So, nope!  Not perfect!

D

I don't think we should try to be perfect either. If we expected perfection from ourselves we should be narcisists (I know some people on this board argue that people that are attracted to BPDs are in fact narcisists, but that's another story).

[DragoN]

PS i wouldn't necessary run from/push away somebody who exhibits BPD traits in the future because guess what?  BPD traits are HUMAN traits, we all have them, just to lesser or varying degrees.  i WILL, however, be listening to my gut more, paying attention to the   Red Flag  Red Flag that's for sure.

Fair enough, however pathological lying, cheating , raging at the color of the walls and the like are not mine. A little twisted in my humor, and a tad black. I am known to flip the behaviors back though, just to see what happens. Terrible of me, but it's an effective manner to test what you are dealing with, to a point.