CPS called on false allegations and this is terrifying.

[angel1234]

I posted this on another board but thought this board may give me some good advise. My history with my exBF is three years of hell, watching him becoming addicted to pills, go to rehab, relapse sever times, etc. He's displayed several of the BPD traits over the years, including major lies. I can explain alot but right now need to focus on this past week.

My ex was thrown in jail for having outstanding warrants (which I didn't know about) for not completing a previous probation and paying fines and having two pills on him when he was arrested. He went to jail for 30 days, in which I allowed him to call me, he told me how sorry he was, and how important I am in his life, on and on and on. When he was released we spent a weekend together over thanksgiving. He left his dog with us because my five year old loves her. He was supposed to come to my home the following weekend to spend the weekend with us. I started to doubt what I was doing and told him I didn't want him to come with us. It turned into a massive argument. I was leaving to go out of town this week for work for a few days so he knew he needed to pick up his dog. I gave him an opportunity when I wasn't home to pick up his dog friday and saturday nights and left the door unlocked. He never came. Sunday I got texts around 2 pm saying he was going to leave in a bit to come get the dog. He never came.

Sunday started to escalate. We get in a huge argument about the dog. I put my daughter to bed. Next thing I know it is after she is asleep and I hear a banging on the door. I look outside and see him looking angry with his mom. I don't answer the door. The dog starts barking. My daughter starts freaking out because people are banging on the door and ringing the doorbell like crazy. I go to bed with her to soothe her and the dog and try and settle everyone down. I turned the lights off hoping they would leave. Next thing I know it stops and starts again and then stops. I put a movie on for my daughter to get her to go back to bed and settle down.  She finally goes to sleep. A few hours later I get up and listen to my voicemails from him saying they had the police at my house, they are going to call CPS for leaving my daughter home alone, etc. My god. I called the police myself and documented to the police officer I was home. I explained why I didn’t answer the door and gave my ex BFs history and told her that he recently was in jail and he looked angry when I looked outside.

She asked why I didn’t answer the door for her when she came earlier. I explained I had no idea the police were even at my house! Apparently they told the police they knocked on the door, heard the dog barking, heard my daughter screaming and then saw me pull up to the driveway, drive past the house and then back into the driveway, that I left my daughter home alone. Lies.

The next day I talked to my ex for awhile. He knows me better. He knows I would NEVER abuse or neglect my child. I got a phone call from CPS and she was at my house stating that there was a claim that I’ve left my daughter home alone on several occasions for hours at a time. I am stunned. I cannot believe this is happening. I have never left her home alone for hours, I’ve never done drugs, the worse thing I can say I’ve done is allow this man into our lives.

The CPS agent talked to my daughter and I. My daughter told her I’ve never left her home alone, that she was screaming because the knocking scared her and that I was on the couch and that I came back to bed with her because she was scared. I am humiliated and terrified my daughter is in danger due to a false claim. I saw the police reports. It’s their word against mine and from what I read I’m guilty until proven innocent with these people. The CPS agent went through my home. There’s not even a drop of alcohol in this house and it is safe and spotless. I work hard, take care of my daughter and raise her well. I’ve never even spanked her.

The CPS agent took phone numbers to our daycare, my daughter’s father, my sister and my ex boyfriend. I am terrified. I can not believe they would do this. He knows me better than this He knows I would NEVER leave my child home alone for hours. I’m so sick by this. I never in a million years saw this coming. Please help and offer advise.

Oh I should note, my daughter’s father knows. He is so angry at my ex. All he said is he knows what a wonderful mother I am and loves me. He knows I would never do this to my daughter. He knows about my exBF and our history and am glad that I never hid that from him. He is extremely supportive and knows me better than all of this. My daycare provider feels the same. She also knew about my ex. No one has anything bad to say about me as a parent but this is terrifying

[livednlearned]

Hi angel,

How upsetting, I'm sorry you're having to go through a false allegation.

First, I admire that you didn't open the door for him. That's taking care of yourself, and there are people who would've felt intimidated and ended up opening the door or engaging. And you did exactly the right thing, comforting your daughter and thinking about how the commotion would affect her.

CPS has to respond to this stuff. It's protocol. They know that false allegations happen, and people tell lies, and with your ex's record and the truth about the kind of mother you are, they will likely write up a report and file it away, nothing to come of it.

The fact that your child's father has such positive things to say about you will go far, and the daycare will know that you're a loving, attentive, conscientious mother.

It's just one angry scorned ex bf trying to wreak havoc on you -- that's what they will figure.

My closest friends had a highschool teacher call CPS when she saw their D15 with cuts and bruises (from skiing into a branch). They live on a military base and allegations of child abuse get taken very seriously. My friend is a teacher herself, and she was devastated, felt like a criminal, and she's one of the best mothers I know. They did their investigation, and found it was baseless, and the whole thing went away.

I'm sorry you had to experience this -- keep doing what you're doing. You have good instincts  

LnL

[ForeverDad]

I am terrified. I can not believe they would do this. He knows me better than this He knows I would NEVER leave my child home alone for hours. I’m so sick by this.

Of course he knew.  But that didn't matter.  He was angry, upset and caught up in his raging feelings.  That's how consumed with ranting and raging a pwBPD can become.  It's often been referred to as an emotion dysregulation issue, the disorder almost got renamed to a name like that in the new DSM 5.  He doesn't know how to set limits of proper behavior for himself - self-control - or doesn't care to.

Strange that the police never flashed their blue lights (maybe not policy) or called out, identifying themselves.

I never in a million years saw this coming.

None of us did.  None of us ever thought it could get THAT bad.  But it did.  We've all "been there, done that".

In hindsight, since the knocking continued to the point of harassment, you should have called the police yourself.  Likely he probably knew you would try to just ignore him and so felt entitled to call them himself.  And if the police would have gotten you to answer then he could have just claimed, "I'm I nice guy, I heard a scream, heard my dog and no answer, so of course I was worried and did the right thing to call the police".

Hopefully CPS will 'close' the investigation.  If a report is written, if you ever see one, it may be described as unsubstantiated.  It would be better to have them state it was unfounded but that's a lot harder to get.

Lesson learned?  Do you see this incident as a Deal Breaker?  I hope you now know how horrendously bad that guy can distort reality and your life.  Find another way to get the dog back to him, don't let him in the house ever again, not even for him to get his dog.  Tell him to never ever come to your home, work or seek you out anywhere.  Then never contact him ever again.  And if he contacts you then you immediately determine how best to handle the incident.

It's his fault he did this, not yours.  But... .

This has been said many times that I don't know if there is an original quote to cite, but I remember on Star Trek the  Enterprise's engineer Scotty finally exclaimed to those on the Bridge, speaking of the Klingons trying to lure the Enterprise away from Captain Kirk and the landing party on a second false distress signal, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!"

[livednlearned]

That's a good point by FD -- probably a good idea to have someone else help you get the dog back to the bf, or else call the police and tell them that you want them for a domestic assist (it might be called something different where you live).

When people make false allegations, treat them very very carefully. Threatening to do it is one thing, actually doing it is another. Even if the allegations are false, the pain, anxiety (and often expense) can be profound.

He just showed you what lengths he is willing to go through. Best to go NC for now -- there may be an extinction burst, so prepare yourself. Hunker down and take care of yourself until he goes away.

[angel1234]

I returned his dog to him the next day. My sister took it to him and picked up some xmas package I had delivered there for my daughter. I'm just exhausted. I haven't slept since Sunday. And I did call the police to come to my home that night after he left, and after my daughter was settled down and sleeping. I listened to his screaming voicemails telling me he called the police and that he was going to call CPS. That is how I knew the police were at my house. No, the police never screamed that it was the police at my door and if they did have their blue lights on, my bedroom is on the back side of the house and I saw no lights.

What a nightmare.

[Waddams]

Just wanted to chime in - I'm sorry for what you've been through.  At least you're seeing this from him before getting married or having a kid with him.  You'll have a simple time of making a clean break.  I'm sorry for how it has upset your daughter too.

I did want to just give a little encouragement that I doubt CPS will do anything other than close the case out with no action.  If there is a way to do it, perhaps pushing them for a "not credible" sort of status statement in the report, something worded strong enough that would give you more weight to present to the police?  Reason I say so is making false accusations like this has got to be a crime of some sort.  When it's all said and done, you'll have the option to file a police report.  You can give them a copy of the CPS report to attach to the report they file for you.  It will get examined by someone at some point who will determine whether there's a case to be pursued.  The stronger wording in the CPS report there is to indicate it was a false claim that was made knowingly, the stronger your case, the stronger they'll take action.  Sometimes BPD's continue to harass us and the only way to make them stop is with consequences.  I guess I'm concerned that this guy might try to harass you in other ways in the future.  The more you get the truth documented now, the better.

Hopefully, though, the report will come in, the case will go away, you'll never hear from this idiot again, and you'll be able to move on peacefully.

How's your daughter now that some time has passed?

[livednlearned]

What a nightmare.

Smart that you had your sister deliver the dog, and not you.

How are you handling contact from him at this point?

[angel1234]

Well I explained to the CPS agent that my ex was threatening to call police and CPS that night if I didn't open door. I also gave her the case number the police officer gave me so she'll see it there.

He texted me Monday, the day my sis dropped off dog that he was so sorry things ended this way and I responded angrily. I had blocked him. Last night the blocks came off. I wasn't angry at all but I made it very clear how severe things have gotten and what a sh--t storm he created for me. I sent several texts stating things like "do you understand the severity of the false accusations your mother made and how you are to blame for this and not blame his mother", "does he believe my daughter is better off in a foster home" and on and on and on. I told him he and his mother had no right to play god in my daughters life, that I did nothing but be there for him through all these years and if anything, the worse thing I could have done as a parent is let him yo yo in and out of my life and bring his problems into it, that I could have called the police on him so many times and gotten him in trouble but that I dont live my life being vengeful and vindictive that way. Lastly I told him that I don't want any harm or revenge on him because in the end, the truth will prevail and I'll let God and Karma run its course with him.

He started to text back that he was so incredibly sorry, it was his fault this went this far, he only blames himself, he feels like sh--t about himself, bla bla bla.

Blocks went back on but I want him to understand the severity (not that it really makes a difference) and that he understands all these people's lives are being affected, including my daughter's father and his other daughter who will have to probably be interviewed, daycare provider, my sister, etc. These are all people he knows well.

I put the blocks back on so he can not text or call me. I have to be strong this time and not get angry enough to unblock and let him have it. It's not worth it. My sister (who used to be a friend of his) sent him a text as well telling him how disgusting he and his mother are for doing this. I begged her to just block him and let that be hte end of it.

[angel1234]

My daughter is fine. She hasn't really talked about any of it so I'm not pushing it. She's ok. Thank God kids are resiliant but I will NEVER screw around with her life like that again.

[ForeverDad]

Be aware that you can't reason with someone not willing to reason with you.  Perhaps he was sorry then, but you cannot know how he will feel or act an hour later, a week later or whenever.  That is the problem with an unstable and extremely unpredictable person who lives by his own entitled rules and me-me standards.

Overall, it is best to keep your distance.  And not just for a while.  Are you convinced it is O-V-E-R?  Can you - with a calm head - stick to that?  Believe me, it's so very hard to make "it's over!" stay "over".  Be convinced that if it has happened once with him, his mother or whomever, it can and will happen again if given enough time.  Remember, don't let him blame his mother for the call to the police, he was standing right there, either he called or he let her call, and he stayed there with her.

And beware of feeling you need allow contact again to get 'closure' from him.  When dealing with people with acting-out disorders like BPD, NPD, etc, closure is something you gift yourself.  Distance (1) helps you to recover and (2) makes it less likely to have this happen again.

So what to do if he contacts you again?  Devoid of emotion, "Thanks for calling.  It's over, so please don't call/text/see/visit me again.  The past is the past.  I've moved on with my life.  Please move on with your life too.  Goodbye."  Brief.  Simple.  Businesslike.  Once.

[momtara]

It is scary to try to have to prove a negative.  It's the scariest time right now - but you WILL prevail.  You just have to stay calm, keep doing what you're doing, keep everything together, and eventually this trouble will fade away.  We always hear the worst things about CPS but in the end, the truth has to win - just protect yourself and talk to area attorneys who have experience with CPS.

[ForeverDad]

This is an older thread, reposted by accident...

This has been said many times so I don't know if there is an original quote to cite, but I remember on Star Trek the Enterprise's engineer Scotty finally exclaimed to those on the Bridge, speaking of the Klingons trying to keep luring the Enterprise away from Captain Kirk and the landing party with a second false distress signal, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!"

[B53]

Sorry you went through that, it must have been awful.

If he tries to bother you again, you might think about filing a restraining order. That way if he tries to make anymore false allegations, it will come across as what it actually is, harassment.