damaged beyond repair

[nosuchdragon]

I am almost certain I am damaged to a point where I cannot heal. I am so tired of being punctured/stabbed/cut/burned/sliced with his words. I have had no success in kindly suggesting he needs help. I have no interest in being touched by him. I am more at ease when he is gone. I have lived my life as best I can, protecting myself and my child. My child and I live life to the fullest and let him deal with his issues. I don't let him stop us from enjoying the fabulous world around us. I do all I can for myself when I am not at my awesome job (which actually helps me be happy) to help me get through tough days. I separated finances almost completely. I have great family and friend support. I love who I am. But when he is present I wish he was gone. This illness (he denies and won't seek help through the medical field) is incurable. I don't imagine it will get better. Most illnesses don't improve over time especially if they are not treated. I went for eight out of the almost ten years not knowing what was wrong. Now I have a pretty clear idea as I read my life over and over again on this board. I feel so compelled to walk away. I know he's ill but I feel his illness is killing me (it hasn't and I won't let it…I am strong and I will prevail). I don't think any marriage vow would state to torture your wife. I can't get past the hating me then wanting me to run into his arms and make love. Sick! I am a logical person. You just said F. U. to me so how can you love me? I just feel so much I am being held back. Bound down by an illness I haven't even known I've been battling for years. There is a whole world out there….although I am sure he'll never be gone. He'll stalk me….he'll try to commit suicide again…he'll make my life hell some how. This sucks! I have so much love, energy and passion to give to the world. I am grateful my job helps me let that shine on most days. I just want to bring it home too….

I am grateful for my life as it is! I see the great things every day. I do not take life for granted. I am lucky to be alive, to be healthy, to have a home, to have my family, to have an awesomely cool kid, to have some great loving friends, and to be a strong willed persistent person!

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Nosuchdragon,

     Sweetie, you clearly have the patience of a saint and more strength than any ten people I know combined.  I don't think being married means someone owns you.  If you truly want to, you can separate from him the rest of the way.  If he threatens to kill himself tell him that if he does, it will prove your point that he really is mentally ill.  Fear of that should keep him safe from self harm, but in the end it doesn't make sense that his life is more important that yours or your child's.  Why would it be? 

     In my experience, you aren't going to find the logical connection between FU one minute and 'I love you' the next because this isn't a normal person who just has problems.  His thinking is fundamentally disordered. You've assumed responsibility for what must be (if there's going to be any chance of success) his decision to get therapy, so that slim chance is out the window.  In truth, then, it may actually be better for him for you to go, as well. He's an adult on this earth who existed before you met him and will exist after you leave him.  You're responsible for you and your child -- only. 

     Sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other a few times until you get far enough away for it to get a little easier and you can start walking with your head up again. We're all here for you.

LT 

[nosuchdragon]

Well I don't get on long enough to post as I only had one day off when uBPDh was working (privacy and freedom) and was interested in the fact my post was moved.  Thanks for the response. I guess what is hard is my s6 is the son of my uBPDh.  This alone will never give me freedom from his chaos.  Even more unfortunate, is the damage my h has already inflicted on my poor kids life.  How does anyone explain to a child of any age that his father isn't in the mood for his own son. That his dad will only be his dad when it suits his dad.  What's better is one thing the awful full blown angry rages.  Now they are silent (over text) but just as hateful and nasty.  The positive is we have lived for at least four years doing things without h and separation is not an issue at all.  We go days not seeing h now! One foot in front of the other!

Today was an awful day.  H woke up yelling at me.  He gets more mad because I won't join in.  He hates that I walk away.  He tells me I'm avoiding and that everything is my fault.  I have come right out and said: I'm the target I am damaged! He insists I am the cause if his issues.  Then hrs later he acts as if he didn't torment me for hours on end.  I need a vacation!

[dontknow2]

Nosuchdragon,

I wonder some days if I am able to fully heal too. I figure I'll heal but with many scars.

I am so sorry you are being abused. Do you have a therapist? If not, he/she could help you navigate next steps to help you get the love you deserve.

Stay strong

[Aussie0zborn]

What a sad state of affairs, but very typical. Healing is available to all who seek it and do the work and it's there for the taking. You sound so incredibly patient. I think it's time to go and start healing. Good luck.