I've changed - in one day.

[love4meNOTu]

A good thing has happened for me… after seven months of really hard work.

Yesterday I was (as usual) letting my xhwBPD rent space in my head... railing against the unfairness of it all. How happy he is blah, blah, blah... and how hard I'm working and how much pain I'm still in every day.

My therapist was about to hospitalize me for depression. What a lovely Christmas present for my children, yes?

So here I am thinking that my ex (perfectly happy in his little world of dysregulated thoughts) who should be the one who is hospitalized since he rages at the drop of a hat at those closest to him. And I realized something...

I am not in denial about how much I’m hurting. That’s the difference between me and him. The hurt I am feeling is the aftermath of what I just went through with him. The abuse, the terror…

The hurt he is dealing with is from way before our relationship and it got in the way of our relationship and it will continue to do so for the rest of his life in every relationship he has until or unless he faces it. (thank you schwing).

I am going to use this anger that disgusts me in others so much to propel me out of this depression if it’s the last thing I do. I finally accept my righteous anger and refuse to turn it inward any longer. (thank you winston72)

Yes it is uncomfortable, but denying my anger and trying to turn the other cheek and be the better person is NOT HELPING ME.

My husband was great at the seduction part of the relationship, which is why he has hooked another victim so quickly… but he was miserable at the other parts of the relationship – including the end. He has learned nothing, will continue to learn nothing and he’ll never get the kind of relationship he wants because he is broken. And he denies that he is broken. (again, thank you schwing).

Yesterday I was very angry. I lashed out at a man I was dating a couple of months ago and gave him a piece of my mind. And then I realized, none of that anger was about him. It was about my xhusband. My anger leaked out of me and onto someone who really didn’t deserve it (don’t feel too bad for him, he’s kind of a jerk). If this happened to me, a fairly normal person without a ton of anger in her, then where will my xhwBPD’s horrendous anger go? That’s right, to his nearest and dearest. Forever and ever, amen.

My therapist walked me through an exercise... where you ask god to break the vows you made before him. I asked the lord to release me from my promise to love and protect J. It’s been done legally, but now it is done emotionally and spiritually.

This girl is healing. Not going to make it easy on myself or jump into another relationship until I am whole and happy again. Because I deserve this, to take the time to be who I truly want to be.

[Naddred369]

love4meNOTu,

This is it exactly! they cant be happy.

NEVER FORGET THIS!

we will greive and learn and grow and be happy at some point.

They wont ever get to that stage.

Good luck to you.

[schwing]

Hi love4meNOTu and  

Yesterday I was (as usual) letting my xhwBPD rent space in my head... railing against the unfairness of it all. How happy he is blah, blah, blah... and how hard I'm working and how much pain I'm still in every day.

It's not fair to you for your ex husband to occupy space in your head without paying some kind of rent.  But it is not uncommon for this to be; don't punish yourself (or your head) for trying to make sense out of all that is happening to you, just find other ways of occupying yourself in the effort to heal from the pain you feel every day.  In my experience, the pain lessens as you integrate the conflict in your mind of how you *believed* your ex husband to be (before you married him), versus how he actually turned out to be (after you married him).

My therapist was about to hospitalize me for depression. What a lovely Christmas present for my children, yes?

Don't get hung up on what one is "supposed" to be like during the holidays, or how unfair it is for other people that you are in pain.  You take care of yourself when you are in pain; your children will understand, if not now then in due time.

So here I am thinking that my ex (perfectly happy in his little world of dysregulated thoughts) who should be the one who is hospitalized since he rages at the drop of a hat at those closest to him. And I realized something...

I am not in denial about how much I’m hurting. That’s the difference between me and him. The hurt I am feeling is the aftermath of what I just went through with him. The abuse, the terror…

The hurt he is dealing with is from way before our relationship and it got in the way of our relationship and it will continue to do so for the rest of his life in every relationship he has until or unless he faces it. (thank you stewing).

When our minds face something that is too difficult to accept, we often resort to (unconscious) defense mechanisms to protect ourselves.  One level is delusion; this is more or less what your ex husband is using to cope with his issues.  He has had a trauma from way back in his personal development that has affected his ability to attach and trust another person.  He's never been able to have an attachment that has not resulted in the triggering of his fear of abandonment (which is the nature of his trauma).  He has been in denial *all his life* that there is something wrong with him.  Instead, he chooses to believe that everyone else has a problem, everyone else keeps "abandoning" him or "betraying" him.  But the truth is that his inappropriate feelings are the result of his disorder.

This is why sometime after you were married, he started accusing you of cheating on him, of intending to leave or "abandon" him.  His disordered feelings overwhelmed his mind to the point that he uses *delusion* as a means of interpreting these feelings.

At a more mild level of cognitive dissonance (mental conflict), such as when we hold two conflicting ideas simultaneous in our mind (for example, the belief that he loves me versus the belief that he hates me) may result in our alternating between these two beliefs (sometimes you believe one, other times the other), and the pain (and elation) that corresponds to these beliefs.  A broken heart is not a trivial recovery.  And the more deep your attachment to him (when you believed he was capable of honoring his vows), the longer it will take you to let go of that attachment (as is appropriate).  We don't form these kinds of attachments easily.  Nor do we let go of them easily.  This is in our nature, assuming healthy and functional mental processes.

Until your ex deals with his past trauma (and most likely the subsequence traumas since that time), he's never going to have a healthy, functional attachment with someone else.  He may be heavily conditioned to put on the *appearance* of someone who is capable of doing so -- for example, you have no idea how he communicated the nature of your marriage to other people, even as he was imploding within your home.  It is almost part of his delusional expression that not only must he believe that there is nothing wrong with him, that his relationship is as normal as can be, but he must also convince his society that this is so in order to reinforce his delusion.

But the proof is always in the pudding.  You've had his pudding.  It did not agree with you.  His recipe has not changed, only your perspective has changed.

I am going to use this anger that disgusts me in others so much to propel me out of this depression if it’s the last thing I do. I finally accept my righteous anger and refuse to turn it inward any longer. (thank you winston72)

Anger can be a useful motivator, until it is not.  From my perspective, depression is more or less emotional "constipation"; you can't get x, y or z emotions out of your psyche.  Anger can be one of the blocked emotions; but it is not usually the only one.  So long has you allow yourself the time and space to express what you need to express, I think you can avoid prolonged depression.  But you must allow yourself the time and space to release what feelings you have.  Just because you would will yourself to no longer have emotions, does not make this so.  :)on't try on delusion, it doesn't suit you.

Yes it is uncomfortable, but denying my anger and trying to turn the other cheek and be the better person is NOT HELPING ME.

Do not deny your anger.  But do not allow it to guide you towards taking actions you may later regret.  Just find an outlet for this anger that is effective but suitable for you.  In Japan there is a niche industry where clients are allowed to break dishes in a simulated kitchen in order to vent their anger and frustration.  Business men will come out of their offices, walk into one of these shops and break dishes in order to vent the anger and frustration that would not be received so well at their place of business.  Maybe ROSS is having a sale somewhere on cheap and ugly dishes.

My husband was great at the seduction part of the relationship, which is why he has hooked another victim so quickly… but he was miserable at the other parts of the relationship – including the end.

Delusion is seductive.

He has learned nothing, will continue to learn nothing and he’ll never get the kind of relationship he wants because he is broken. And he denies that he is broken. (again, thank you stewing).

He has never known another way.

It is like trying to teach a small child that love is something that requires effort on your part.  That it requires sacrifice from you in order to cultivate and nurture it.  That there are days when love is there for you.  But there are days in which you must be there for love.  That even though it would not immediately benefit you for giving up something you want now, you get something your want for days and years beyond that.

No, the infant child needs "unconditional love" from the parent he never had and it needs it now and always.  Their "idea" (or delusion) of love is that there is an inexhaustible well from which love can draw from, in which he will never need to replenish in any way, that will never be taken away from him, to fill his unending need.  This is the need of an infant child who has never felt (or allowed himself to feel) and internalized the protection, comfort and constancy of a parental love.

Yesterday I was very angry. I lashed out at a man I was dating a couple of months ago and gave him a piece of my mind. And then I realized, none of that anger was about him. It was about my xhusband. My anger leaked out of me and onto someone who really didn’t deserve it (don’t feel too bad for him, he’s kind of a jerk).

And this behavior which you have the awareness to recognize in yourself, will give you insight into your ex husband's past behavior.  You acted out on a feeling (anger) at someone that had little or nothing to do with the source of that feeling.  I would argue that in the same way your ex husband has always acted out on his feelings unresolved from his past; he believed that he would be betrayed or abandoned by someone who was critically important to him (you) because he has not yet come to terms with his earliest betrayal or abandonment trauma.  And he will continue to be haunted be these feelings, so long as he fails to address it in himself.  Just like you may continue to feel anger, if you were to deny it and shove it deep down in your psyche, if you did not want to believe you have it; which you will not do, of course.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Changingman]

Hi love4meNOTu and  

Yesterday I was (as usual) letting my xhwBPD rent space in my head... railing against the unfairness of it all. How happy he is blah, blah, blah... and how hard I'm working and how much pain I'm still in every day.

It's not fair to you for your ex husband to occupy space in your head without paying some kind of rent.  But it is not uncommon for this to be; don't punish yourself (or your head) for trying to make sense out of all that is happening to you, just find other ways of occupying yourself in the effort to heal from the pain you feel every day.  In my experience, the pain lessens as you integrate the conflict in your mind of how you *believed* your ex husband to be (before you married him), versus how he actually turned out to be (after you married him).

My therapist was about to hospitalize me for depression. What a lovely Christmas present for my children, yes?

Don't get hung up on what one is "supposed" to be like during the holidays, or how unfair it is for other people that you are in pain.  You take care of yourself when you are in pain; your children will understand, if not now then in due time.

So here I am thinking that my ex (perfectly happy in his little world of dysregulated thoughts) who should be the one who is hospitalized since he rages at the drop of a hat at those closest to him. And I realized something...

I am not in denial about how much I’m hurting. That’s the difference between me and him. The hurt I am feeling is the aftermath of what I just went through with him. The abuse, the terror…

The hurt he is dealing with is from way before our relationship and it got in the way of our relationship and it will continue to do so for the rest of his life in every relationship he has until or unless he faces it. (thank you stewing).

When our minds face something that is too difficult to accept, we often resort to (unconscious) defense mechanisms to protect ourselves.  One level is delusion; this is more or less what your ex husband is using to cope with his issues.  He has had a trauma from way back in his personal development that has affected his ability to attach and trust another person.  He's never been able to have an attachment that has not resulted in the triggering of his fear of abandonment (which is the nature of his trauma).  He has been in denial *all his life* that there is something wrong with him.  Instead, he chooses to believe that everyone else has a problem, everyone else keeps "abandoning" him or "betraying" him.  But the truth is that his inappropriate feelings are the result of his disorder.

This is why sometime after you were married, he started accusing you of cheating on him, of intending to leave or "abandon" him.  His disordered feelings overwhelmed his mind to the point that he uses *delusion* as a means of interpreting these feelings.

At a more mild level of cognitive dissonance (mental conflict), such as when we hold two conflicting ideas simultaneous in our mind (for example, the belief that he loves me versus the belief that he hates me) may result in our alternating between these two beliefs (sometimes you believe one, other times the other), and the pain (and elation) that corresponds to these beliefs.  A broken heart is not a trivial recovery.  And the more deep your attachment to him (when you believed he was capable of honoring his vows), the longer it will take you to let go of that attachment (as is appropriate).  We don't form these kinds of attachments easily.  Nor do we let go of them easily.  This is in our nature, assuming healthy and functional mental processes.

Until your ex deals with his past trauma (and most likely the subsequence traumas since that time), he's never going to have a healthy, functional attachment with someone else.  He may be heavily conditioned to put on the *appearance* of someone who is capable of doing so -- for example, you have no idea how he communicated the nature of your marriage to other people, even as he was imploding within your home.  It is almost part of his delusional expression that not only must he believe that there is nothing wrong with him, that his relationship is as normal as can be, but he must also convince his society that this is so in order to reinforce his delusion.

But the proof is always in the pudding.  You've had his pudding.  It did not agree with you.  His recipe has not changed, only your perspective has changed.

I am going to use this anger that disgusts me in others so much to propel me out of this depression if it’s the last thing I do. I finally accept my righteous anger and refuse to turn it inward any longer. (thank you winston72)

Anger can be a useful motivator, until it is not.  From my perspective, depression is more or less emotional "constipation"; you can't get x, y or z emotions out of your psyche.  Anger can be one of the blocked emotions; but it is not usually the only one.  So long has you allow yourself the time and space to express what you need to express, I think you can avoid prolonged depression.  But you must allow yourself the time and space to release what feelings you have.  Just because you would will yourself to no longer have emotions, does not make this so.  :)on't try on delusion, it doesn't suit you.

Yes it is uncomfortable, but denying my anger and trying to turn the other cheek and be the better person is NOT HELPING ME.

Do not deny your anger.  But do not allow it to guide you towards taking actions you may later regret.  Just find an outlet for this anger that is effective but suitable for you.  In Japan there is a niche industry where clients are allowed to break dishes in a simulated kitchen in order to vent their anger and frustration.  Business men will come out of their offices, walk into one of these shops and break dishes in order to vent the anger and frustration that would not be received so well at their place of business.  Maybe ROSS is having a sale somewhere on cheap and ugly dishes.

My husband was great at the seduction part of the relationship, which is why he has hooked another victim so quickly… but he was miserable at the other parts of the relationship – including the end.

Delusion is seductive.

He has learned nothing, will continue to learn nothing and he’ll never get the kind of relationship he wants because he is broken. And he denies that he is broken. (again, thank you stewing).

He has never known another way.

It is like trying to teach a small child that love is something that requires effort on your part.  That it requires sacrifice from you in order to cultivate and nurture it.  That there are days when love is there for you.  But there are days in which you must be there for love.  That even though it would not immediately benefit you for giving up something you want now, you get something your want for days and years beyond that.

No, the infant child needs "unconditional love" from the parent he never had and it needs it now and always.  Their "idea" (or delusion) of love is that there is an inexhaustible well from which love can draw from, in which he will never need to replenish in any way, that will never be taken away from him, to fill his unending need.  This is the need of an infant child who has never felt (or allowed himself to feel) and internalized the protection, comfort and constancy of a parental love.

Yesterday I was very angry. I lashed out at a man I was dating a couple of months ago and gave him a piece of my mind. And then I realized, none of that anger was about him. It was about my xhusband. My anger leaked out of me and onto someone who really didn’t deserve it (don’t feel too bad for him, he’s kind of a jerk).

And this behavior which you have the awareness to recognize in yourself, will give you insight into your ex husband's past behavior.  You acted out on a feeling (anger) at someone that had little or nothing to do with the source of that feeling.  I would argue that in the same way your ex husband has always acted out on his feelings unresolved from his past; he believed that he would be betrayed or abandoned by someone who was critically important to him (you) because he has not yet come to terms with his earliest betrayal or abandonment trauma.  And he will continue to be haunted be these feelings, so long as he fails to address it in himself.  Just like you may continue to feel anger, if you were to deny it and shove it deep down in your psyche, if you did not want to believe you have it; which you will not do, of course.

Best wishes, Schwing

Wow schwing

That's amazing, I often had that odd feeling that she was angry at me like a teenager to her father, like I was controlling, or telling her off, or making her stay in A&E to get stitches for one f her accidents ( really thought they were accidents ) "you're not my father"

I wasn't controlling, quite the opposite.

Maybe she hated loosing control of me

I'm gonna read your posts, you seem to have had some formal training

[love4meNOTu]

It's not fair to you for your ex husband to occupy space in your head without paying some kind of rent.  But it is not uncommon for this to be; don't punish yourself (or your head) for trying to make sense out of all that is happening to you, just find other ways of occupying yourself in the effort to heal from the pain you feel every day.  In my experience, the pain lessens as you integrate the conflict in your mind of how you *believed* your ex husband to be (before you married him), versus how he actually turned out to be (after you married him).

I think my therapist had me write a list of every abuse / strange behavior that J exhibited in order to do this? To rid myself of the cognitive dissonance? I do feel a strange sense of relief when I read that list... .but it doesn't stay. Like most of my "realizations" or epiphanies, they are short lived and it takes a great deal of concentration to see when my thoughts of self blame creep in... .I have to recognize that they are there before they start to make me feel horrible, if that makes sense.

When our minds face something that is too difficult to accept, we often resort to (unconscious) defense mechanisms to protect ourselves.  One level is delusion; this is more or less what your ex husband is using to cope with his issues.  He has had a trauma from way back in his personal development that has affected his ability to attach and trust another person.  He's never been able to have an attachment that has not resulted in the triggering of his fear of abandonment (which is the nature of his trauma).  He has been in denial *all his life* that there is something wrong with him.  Instead, he chooses to believe that everyone else has a problem, everyone else keeps "abandoning" him or "betraying" him.  But the truth is that his inappropriate feelings are the result of his disorder.

Yes, schwing, he won't even admit to feeling angry... .when he screams and yells, let alone that he could have hurt me or the kids. He even accused me of being delusional, I know that it is projection. And yes, he blames all on me. As a close mutual friend said recently, "he does not see himself as having a problem, so therefore there is nothing for him to to fix". My logical brain says how does the evidence not point to him as being the cause of the demise of his relationships... .this does not compute. How could ALL of us, and I mean ALL of us... .be the "wrong" woman for him?  He's not stupid, so I have to assume that he HAS to believe this concept, perhaps as a matter of survival?

This is why sometime after you were married, he started accusing you of cheating on him, of intending to leave or "abandon" him.  His disordered feelings overwhelmed his mind to the point that he uses *delusion* as a means of interpreting these feelings.

Yes schwing, looking back at it now, I can see how he was struggling with the thoughts in his head. He once told me that I had no idea how his mind would not be able to "let it go" (and this was about a fairly trivial matter). And that he fought that voice in his head very hard, and told himself not to let his past ruin his future with me. This was fairly early on, he clearly lost that battle no less than a year later.

At a more mild level of cognitive dissonance (mental conflict), such as when we hold two conflicting ideas simultaneous in our mind (for example, the belief that he loves me versus the belief that he hates me) may result in our alternating between these two beliefs (sometimes you believe one, other times the other), and the pain (and elation) that corresponds to these beliefs.  A broken heart is not a trivial recovery.  And the more deep your attachment to him (when you believed he was capable of honoring his vows), the longer it will take you to let go of that attachment (as is appropriate).  We don't form these kinds of attachments easily.  Nor do we let go of them easily.  This is in our nature, assuming healthy and functional mental processes.

Thank you for saying this, of course I am comparing my recovery to his. He has moved on. I have not. But I get closer every day.

Until your ex deals with his past trauma (and most likely the subsequence traumas since that time), he's never going to have a healthy, functional attachment with someone else.  He may be heavily conditioned to put on the *appearance* of someone who is capable of doing so -- for example, you have no idea how he communicated the nature of your marriage to other people, even as he was imploding within your home.  It is almost part of his delusional expression that not only must he believe that there is nothing wrong with him, that his relationship is as normal as can be, but he must also convince his society that this is so in order to reinforce his delusion.

A member of his family came to me and said that I was too nice for him. I had no idea what she was talking about. Another member of his family came to me and said that J did not know what he had in me. And what a good person I was. Mind you, this was all before the divorce, but I think they were trying to clue me in. Obviously they've known him a lot longer than me... so perhaps he is not as convincing to "society" as he wants. At the time the comments went over my head, I thought they were just being nice. In retrospect? They were being nice, they were trying to warn me.



Anger can be a useful motivator, until it is not.  From my perspective, depression is more or less emotional "constipation"; you can't get x, y or z emotions out of your psyche.  Anger can be one of the blocked emotions; but it is not usually the only one.  So long has you allow yourself the time and space to express what you need to express, I think you can avoid prolonged depression.  But you must allow yourself the time and space to release what feelings you have.  Just because you would will yourself to no longer have emotions, does not make this so.  :)on't try on delusion, it doesn't suit you.

Ah crap. You are right. J wills himself to not feel things, pushing all emotions down and away. I won't fall into that trap, thanks for the kick in the arse.



Do not deny your anger.  But do not allow it to guide you towards taking actions you may later regret.  Just find an outlet for this anger that is effective but suitable for you.  In Japan there is a niche industry where clients are allowed to break dishes in a simulated kitchen in order to vent their anger and frustration.  Business men will come out of their offices, walk into one of these shops and break dishes in order to vent the anger and frustration that would not be received so well at their place of business.  Maybe ROSS is having a sale somewhere on cheap and ugly dishes.

Good one!


He has never known another way.

It is like trying to teach a small child that love is something that requires effort on your part.  That it requires sacrifice from you in order to cultivate and nurture it.  That there are days when love is there for you.  But there are days in which you must be there for love.  That even though it would not immediately benefit you for giving up something you want now, you get something your want for days and years beyond that.

No, the infant child needs "unconditional love" from the parent he never had and it needs it now and always.  Their "idea" (or delusion) of love is that there is an inexhaustible well from which love can draw from, in which he will never need to replenish in any way, that will never be taken away from him, to fill his unending need.  This is the need of an infant child who has never felt (or allowed himself to feel) and internalized the protection, comfort and constancy of a parental love.

Oh my word. He would have had to be married to a saint. I have blamed myself so much for not being able to withstand his abuse, see through it to the hurting child, and to overcome my own fears that him being around us would be a negative influence. I just couldn't do it. He and his behaviors scared me too much. I just panicked and wanted him as far away from us as possible. I think I really need to come to terms with this... .even if I had tried harder, I'm not sure it would have made a difference, as he never ceased to blame me, and did not look at himself, not once.

And this behavior which you have the awareness to recognize in yourself, will give you insight into your ex husband's past behavior.  You acted out on a feeling (anger) at someone that had little or nothing to do with the source of that feeling.  I would argue that in the same way your ex husband has always acted out on his feelings unresolved from his past; he believed that he would be betrayed or abandoned by someone who was critically important to him (you) because he has not yet come to terms with his earliest betrayal or abandonment trauma.  And he will continue to be haunted be these feelings, so long as he fails to address it in himself.  Just like you may continue to feel anger, if you were to deny it and shove it deep down in your psyche, if you did not want to believe you have it; which you will not do, of course.

And this makes me feel pity for him. I needed a dose of that. Yes my broken heart hurts, and I've been through hell and back, but I don't feel the way a pwBPD feels. I never have. So the justice I was looking for, doesn't make sense in light of this. It feels wrong. But you are right, I've been married to him, I know what the "pudding" is like, and it wasn't for me. Or for my boys.

Thank you Schwing... .it's greatly appreciated, thank you for taking the time to respond. You know your stuff!



Lyn

[Changingman]

Schwing knows his s*** for sure

X

[schwing]

I think my therapist had me write a list of every abuse / strange behavior that J exhibited in order to do this? To rid myself of the cognitive dissonance? I do feel a strange sense of relief when I read that list... .but it doesn't stay. Like most of my "realizations" or epiphanies, they are short lived and it takes a great deal of concentration to see when my thoughts of self blame creep in... .I have to recognize that they are there before they start to make me feel horrible, if that makes sense.

The strange sense of relief is you "remembering" the reasons why you no longer wish to be with your ex.  The cognitive dissonance, or the conflicting idea in your mind, is that you also have reasons to want to be with him still.  So in a sense, the more you reinforcing one idea, the more it will replace the other idea.

Part of it has to do with how you might be handling the thoughts of "self blame."  I imagine there are quite a lot of not so good thoughts you have about yourself (we all do) that make it more comforting to dwell on "happy" (if not entirely true) thoughts.  In the past, your ex or something related to your ex was one such "happy thought."  Now you need some new ones.  Replace those and that will make it easier to let go of your attachment to the idea of your ex.

Yes, schwing, he won't even admit to feeling angry... .when he screams and yells, let alone that he could have hurt me or the kids. He even accused me of being delusional, I know that it is projection. And yes, he blames all on me. As a close mutual friend said recently, "he does not see himself as having a problem, so therefore there is nothing for him to to fix". My logical brain says how does the evidence not point to him as being the cause of the demise of his relationships... .this does not compute. How could ALL of us, and I mean ALL of us... .be the "wrong" woman for him?  He's not stupid, so I have to assume that he HAS to believe this concept, perhaps as a matter of survival?

If one is motivated (or compelled) to ignore evidence, one does so.  In his mind, there is nothing more important to him that to maintain his happy (albeit delusional) thoughts.  You are all the "wrong" woman because he is motivated to believe himself to be the "right" man.  It helps to not have black and white thinking in order to better understand the truth, and perhaps even learning something about yourself that you'd like to change.  But for people with BPD, they don't have this luxury; either you are wrong, or else they are, with no compromise.

[ForeverDad]

Your problems are (mostly) situational.  Whew!

Ex's problems are deeply ingrained and, as you noted, will be with him the rest of his life if he doesn't stop the Denial and Blaming, embarks on real therapy and works toward recovery.  Nearly always it take an emotionally neutral and experienced professional to do it.  The way he perceives you is that he had and has too much emotional baggage about you for him to let go of the blaming and blame shifting long enough to really listen and really look at himself.  That's a large part of the reason why he wouldn't and couldn't listen to anything you said over the months and years.