advice

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Dear everone here,

I could really use some advice. November 14 I found out that my Borderliner best friend, was seeing someone else, and in a week he broke contact and told me that he needed time and that his heart belonged to someone else. Sounds al reasonable, in another post I posted the whole story. I found out 3 days a go, that his dad is very il. He supported me when my dad died in October, but since he broke al contact (blocked whatsapp, doesn't respond to email), I find it hard what to do. Is it wise to let him know that I am thinking of him and I understand how he is feeling. I am probably the trigger in his life, otherwise he would have respondend, but I feel so sad for him. Is it stupid to send a card, to let him know, that even though he has his partner, and his friends, I am there for him...

[Hannibal Heyes]

Dear everone here,

I could really use some advice. November 14 I found out that my Borderliner best friend, was seeing someone else, and in a week he broke contact and told me that he needed time and that his heart belonged to someone else. Sounds al reasonable, in another post I posted the whole story. I found out 3 days a go, that his dad is very il. He supported me when my dad died in October, but since he broke al contact (blocked whatsapp, doesn't respond to email), I find it hard what to do. Is it wise to let him know that I am thinking of him and I understand how he is feeling. I am probably the trigger in his life, otherwise he would have respondend, but I feel so sad for him. Is it stupid to send a card, to let him know, that even though he has his partner, and his friends, I am there for him...

[Turkish]

Dear everone here,

I could really use some advice. November 14 I found out that my Borderliner best friend, was seeing someone else, and in a week he broke contact and told me that he needed time and that his heart belonged to someone else. Sounds al reasonable, in another post I posted the whole story. I found out 3 days a go, that his dad is very il. He supported me when my dad died in October, but since he broke al contact (blocked whatsapp, doesn't respond to email), I find it hard what to do. Is it wise to let him know that I am thinking of him and I understand how he is feeling. I am probably the trigger in his life, otherwise he would have respondend, but I feel so sad for him. Is it stupid to send a card, to let him know, that even though he has his partner, and his friends, I am there for him...

Hi Hannibal,

It is a hard thing you are going through, like unrequited love. Who was it that established NC, you or him? BPDs often violate this, in a way to feel validated, and sometimes to inflict further pain upon their former partners or friends. Since we love them, we often get caught up in FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt), which is a form of emotional blackmail. Your need to be there for him is understandable since he was for you, but he also hurt you, no? So what was love from him? How did he love or care about you properly and in a healthy way?

Here is a link that may help you understand how this often plays out:

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder [NEW]

[Hannibal Heyes]

Hi Turkish (what a coincidence, he is Turkish/Dutch). He set the NC, the day I was supposed to come to talk things over, he texted me that we had said goodbye and that he wished me well.

I know it was a givng relationship from my part, although he claims it to be tho other way round (in the end, not during). I feel so bad for him, he does not respond to anything, but this is so sad, and I feel for him, this has nothing to do with getting him back as a friend, it's difficult to explain...

[Turkish]

Hi Turkish (what a coincidence, he is Turkish/Dutch).

It's from the movie Snatch, and also the name of one of my former pet rats that my X made me abandon before I could move in with her. A thing I loved that I discarded for the woman who ultimately discarded me... .I'm a mixed American, no Turk in me :^)

He set the NC, the day I was supposed to come to talk things over, he texted me that we had said goodbye and that he wished me well.

I know it was a givng relationship from my part, although he claims it to be tho other way round (in the end, not during). I feel so bad for him, he does not respond to anything, but this is so sad, and I feel for him, this has nothing to do with getting him back as a friend, it's difficult to explain...

We are the type of people that borderlines tend to be attracted to... .and there is often something in us that is attracted to those in need as well, though that trait varies in intensity. I still feel the need to support my X in her journey of mental health, despite her mistreatment of me for years and the massive and cruel betrayal she did to me (and our kids in a way). I actually don't want to be her friend either (it's a complicated situation right now with me), but yes, I have that need to offer some level of support for her pain, despite the pain she inflicted on me.

Such and emotional attachment is very hard to overcome. The time may or may not matter, but the intensity, and of course each of us "nons" is a bit different. We may share traits, but we are all individuals.

If you can do what you want to do without bringing more pain on yourself, then I would support you. But I would caution that the way the borderline feels is far different than the way we feel and look at things. I'm not talking about the abandonment issues and the emptiness they feel, but about "normal' things. A r/s with a BPD is a curious and complex thing, far more so thanb a "normal" relationship. Be careful and protect yourself. Your first responsibility is to you, so you can be healthy!

[Hannibal Heyes]

Thanks. I do want him back as a friend, healthy or not, I am just not in that rational frame of mind yet.

I just want to tell him that I am thinking off him and if he needs support, I am there, but perhaps its wiser not to do so. I can still remember the pain in his face (when I found out about the other guy), and when I told him I wanted to go,I probably reminded him of old pain, I don;t know Turkish. I guess like many here, we ask for advice and tehn still do it the way we want, once we get to that stage where we accepted the loss, take it on the chin and be rational again. I am not even mad at him... .thanks for listening...

[Turkish]

Thanks. I do want him back as a friend, healthy or not, I am just not in that rational frame of mind yet.

I just want to tell him that I am thinking off him and if he needs support, I am there, but perhaps its wiser not to do so. I can still remember the pain in his face (when I found out about the other guy), and when I told him I wanted to go,I probably reminded him of old pain, I don;t know Turkish. I guess like many here, we ask for advice and tehn still do it the way we want, once we get to that stage where we accepted the loss, take it on the chin and be rational again. I am not even mad at him... .thanks for listening...

Rodge...

Hey, I  think our "jobs"  here ( including yours)  are to  give our thoughts,  but support you in whatever your decisions are,  and help you work through those decisions in hopefully a  compassionate and caring way.  I've gotten all sorts of conflicting advice,  and like you say,  I'll still do it my way. I  appreciate everyone's perspective and advice though.  good luck!

[heartandwhole]

Hi Hannibal Heyes,

I'm sorry that you are going through this.  It's so difficult.   I remember how hurt I was when my pwBPD and I were NC. 

Hannibal, you are a caring person, and it's really natural to want to express your concern and caring to your friend.  I would feel the same.  The breakup has been quite recent, however, and I think it might be best for you to focus on your healing as much as you can, and respect his request that you not contact him.

I know how hard that is, but your reaching out could be twisted into something unwanted and negative – ruining your original generous intention– which could cause a great deal more hurt.

Of course, you know yourself best.   We're here to support you through these difficult times. 

[Hannibal Heyes]

His father died today, two monthas after my dad. I feel so guilty that I can;t reach out to him, because he doens't react. I will send him a card though... .

[Turkish]

His father died today, two monthas after my dad. I feel so guilty that I can;t reach out to him, because he doens't react. I will send him a card though... .

That is good, HH,  you are doing what you feel is right.  There is nothing wrong with showing kindness.  we were just discussing a similar situation in the  leaving board... .

[Hannibal Heyes]

I know it's a silly question, what do I write without sounding wrong. He has broken contact, this is such a weird twiste of faith, my dad passing away in October and his in December, and he was there for me... ., should I keep it very simple. I don;t know, I want to be there with him, I know I can't... .

[Aussie0zborn]

I had to write a condolence card to a guy who's son had died. The guy and I were good business acquaintances until he decided to sue me and at that time he lost his son.

The card I sent was genuine in acknowledgement of the business relationship we once had. He responded with a thank you card. Once the funeral was over, we got back to business and he sued me.

Just write the card that I wrote.

[necchi]

Or just don't, give yourself forgiveness if it makes you guilty what so... .

and move on , this might give him a subject to ,out of the blue, break is own n/c and get to you.

He wasn't there for you, he is BPD ?... .let it go of those thoughts they are selfish.

Unless while doing this you are seeking a reaction.

My 2cents