Moment of Stupidity or Being Human or Both

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I got married on 12/12/12.  Filed for divorce on June 3, 2013. There was a period of some reconciliation over the summer and then I moved out for good in September. I saw her once back in October to exchange some personal effects. I finally got around to having her served in November. The delay caused in part to my attorney's advice.

We have had a lot of BPD ugliness in our short lived relationship.  Physical abuse. Many intolerable acts.  As of late she is telling me she is getting better. There are in fact signs of that happening. However I have heard and seen that before.  Nothing should ever be seen as believable when it comes from a BPD person.

I had a few items I needed to return. I originally had planned to drop them off at her place and then call saying they are there. Instead, for whatever stupid reason I went there and knocked at the door.  She answered and asked me to come in for tea. She looked so hot and sexy and... . I ended up spending the night.  No problems. We talked about the relationship. We talked about the divorce. She actually communicated in a meaningful way.

I spoke with her the next evening. She asked me if I was dating. I said yes and the people I see, I see as friends.  I haven't been intimate with anyone and told her that as well.  She responded with how she hasn't been dating and was going only out with female friends.  She also asked for the names of who I had gone out to dinner with. I told her no.  I found myself getting defensive and she got upset about me dating.  We hung up not on good terms.

Afterwards I started thinking and sent off a couple of e-mails telling her my thoughts.

In our short-lived relationship she had kicked me out more times than I can count. She had asked for a divorce multiple times with the first request 3 days after we got married.  I am thinking to myself, woman you created the upheaval and you have asked for a divorce multiple times. You also said you would start dating once you are served. And now you are getting upset because I am dating. For her to think I am going to live like a monk and pine for her without going out and enjoying life is preposterous.

Am I missing something here?  Your thoughts.

[AliveButBeatup]

I got married on 12/12/12.  Filed for divorce on June 3, 2013. There was a period of some reconciliation over the summer and then I moved out for good in September. I saw her once back in October to exchange some personal effects. I finally got around to having her served in November. The delay caused in part to my attorney's advice.

We have had a lot of BPD ugliness in our short lived relationship.  Physical abuse. Many intolerable acts.  As of late she is telling me she is getting better. There are in fact signs of that happening. However I have heard and seen that before.  Nothing should ever be seen as believable when it comes from a BPD person.

I had a few items I needed to return. I originally had planned to drop them off at her place and then call saying they are there. Instead, for whatever stupid reason I went there and knocked at the door.  She answered and asked me to come in for tea. She looked so hot and sexy and... . I ended up spending the night.  No problems. We talked about the relationship. We talked about the divorce. She actually communicated in a meaningful way.

I spoke with her the next evening. She asked me if I was dating. I said yes and the people I see, I see as friends.  I haven't been intimate with anyone and told her that as well.  She responded with how she hasn't been dating and was going only out with female friends.  She also asked for the names of who I had gone out to dinner with. I told her no.  I found myself getting defensive and she got upset about me dating.  We hung up not on good terms.

Afterwards I started thinking and sent off a couple of e-mails telling her my thoughts.

In our short-lived relationship she had kicked me out more times than I can count. She had asked for a divorce multiple times with the first request 3 days after we got married.  I am thinking to myself, woman you created the upheaval and you have asked for a divorce multiple times. You also said you would start dating once you are served. And now you are getting upset because I am dating. For her to think I am going to live like a monk and pine for her without going out and enjoying life is preposterous.

Am I missing something here?  Your thoughts.

[catnap]

The twist is they are "allowed" to do this to you, but not have it done unto them.  You were smart not giving her the names. . .she might have contacted them.  If you have a social media site, such as Fackbook, make sure she cannot access it. 

Keep your conversations based on whatever needs to be done to complete the divorce, only. 

[Matt]

If you don't have kids together, the best thing is probably to not have any contact with her.

Many of us, going through this, have also benefited from counseling.  It's good to learn about yourself, and why you go through these cycles.  (Well the sex part doesn't take a Ph.D. to understand, but the other stuff.)

Without a whole lot of therapy, someone with BPD isn't going to change.  This is who she is.  So the big question is, do you want to have someone like this in your life or not?  And if the answer is yes, why?

[livednlearned]

I had a few items I needed to return. I originally had planned to drop them off at her place and then call saying they are there. Instead, for whatever stupid reason I went there and knocked at the door.  She answered and asked me to come in for tea.

What was going on for you in that moment? What thoughts and feelings were driving you? Dig deep into that, it's the good stuff. Not just the top layer: ie. you were dropping things off. But the second, third, fourth, and fifth layers. Guilt? Obligation? Anger? Like Matt said, a counselor can help you understand why you engaged her, even put yourself in a position for that to happen. She was physically abusive to you, talked about divorce 3 days after getting married, intolerable acts. You filed for divorce. Something deep made you drive over there and knock.

It's important to figure that stuff out, otherwise you're at risk of dating someone else like this. Maybe not full-blown BPD, but even 3 or 4 traits out of 9 to meet BPD criteria can make for a miserable relationship.

Also, be careful about engaging her now, not just because she'll get under your skin and be irrational. Divorce is triggering for people who don't have BPD, much less those who do. You could inadvertently put yourself in danger. False allegations of DV go with the territory and you don't want this to blow up worse than it has. Now that she knows you're dating and it responding with jealousy, she may try to hurt you through the legal system, and that's not a place you want to fight with a BPD sufferer.