She called my mom today

[arn131arn]

I mean right now I am REALLY feeling that I am the one who is f*!cking crazy.  That maybe she was right about me.  That I am everything she told everyone about me.

   

[so#overit]

Arn

I mean right now I am REALLY feeling that I am the one who is f*!cking crazy.

No!  That's what they do.  They are so so good at twisting things around and making themselves the victim.  They will accept just enough of the guilt to make it look plausible and then lay on the "poor me, I've been victimized/ traumatize" bs like smooth sweet honey. 

[Tricky]

Arn

I mean right now I am REALLY feeling that I am the one who is f*!cking crazy.

No!  That's what they do.  They are so so good at twisting things around and making themselves the victim.  They will accept just enough of the guilt to make it look plausible and then lay on the "poor me, I've been victimized/ traumatize" bs like smooth sweet honey. 

Arn, I feel your pain, I share the same feelings almost exactly and often feel I'm the crazy one and wish her to feel as much pain as me. You are in a bad place right now, but so#overit is 100% correct, and her opinions should be taken with a huge pinch of salt, they serve her purposes only.

But, Arn, here's the rub - she might have been right about some things. Nobody is perfect. Everybody has some 'issues' and traits that need addressing. My ex took great pleasure in pointing mine out to me (to get herself off the hook and find someone to blame for her myriad problems mainly), and threw in many others that she conjured up/projected. Because she only brought them up when she needed to avoid responsibility or when she wasn't getting what she wanted or when we were arguing I dismissed them as self serving garbage. All of them.

But she was right about my addiction and it's destructive consequences(despite functioning well and running a successful business and being a single parent to a teenage son) , my anger, my self righteous outbursts at her, my moodiness and apparent lack of commitment. It has been so painful to face these facts and take responsibility for my actions and emotions, and not to blame her for my problems. Really painful. I've spent many dark nights literally howling with pain at the realisations. In a messed up way she has helped me grow and reassess.

But I am not crazy. And I am not responsible for her craziness. And I have tried to address the problems and move forward. She cannot do this. She blames me for all her woes, including her suicide attempt. Her next guy will have a terrible ride, and have a twisted view of me thrust upon him. So will yours, be assured.

Arn, you are not crazy either. You are judging yourself based on her warped views rather than being honestly self critical.  Be easy on yourself. Don't take on board her judgments. You know the truth for yourself.

Best wishes.

[Aussie0zborn]

Arn, Arn, Arn... .I thought I would check back in to this topic and see how the meeting with your mother went.  I wasn't expecting that you would have messed up so badly. Now she is going to tell your mother you went by the house and raged at her like a pwBPD. Great.

I understand your pain. You put up with crazy for so long - longer than you should have - gave up your happiness for hers, made way too many allowances for her, were betrayed many times over, etc etc and you got nothing but grief in return. It's the usual story and your reaction is quite normal under the circumstances.

But... .You need to be smart. You need to be the perfect gentleman here in order to come out of this on top, or at least smelling like roses. It will reduce the damage to you and allow quicker healing. Your goal right now is healing  - it's not proving that she is a slut or a baby killer. This is not your concern.

I know it's hard but I would suggest you find ways to cope and manage the stress until meeting your P on January 10. The festive season might be a hard one to get through so please find something to keep you busy.  If the weather in your location allows it right now, take some long walks. Go to the gym and lift weights, do something. It helps to clear the mind and get some sense of balance.

Why do you say you're alone? It doesn't sound like your family is too far away if you're mother is meeting with her. Connect with people you need to re-connect with. Focus on what is going to reduce your level of anger and act like a gentleman at all times. I know that's hard. I've been there and I didn't heed this same advice but if I did I wouldn't be where I am right now.

Your job right now is for you to start healing and coming out on top. Please at least think about it.

[arn131arn]

Aussie, I didn't go over there and rage on her after she spoke with my mom.  I did send her mean text messages last weekend and called everyone I knew and told them she slept with someone.  This was before I went NC

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey arn-

Merry Christmas!  And I truly mean that for you and your son.

In hindsight my borderline ex was workin angles and manipulating from the very start.  She's got decades of failed relationships and being left, her fear of abandonment is a self-fulfilling prophesy, so she's gotten very good at setting psychological hooks deep to affect an attachment, convinced he will leave anyway, but she might as well try as hard as she can, the shadowy way mind you, since she's worthless in her head, and no one would want her in an open, honest relationship.

Anyway, she first used her sexual wiles, and then started in with the belittling, condescending, disrespectful comments, many of which I let slide because I was trying to make the relationship work, silly me, but after a while they started to get to me and I started to doubt myself.  The reason I bring it up is IT WASN'T YOU!  I was mired in self doubt after I left her, analyzing and reanalyzing what went down, and when I was thinking with my heart it was my fault, but when thinking with my head, I was fine, better than fine, flawed as all humans are, but I did and said the right things, I AM the right thing.  I am more than enough, I gave it my best, it didn't work, and the serious mental illness on her part made sure it would never work.

Lighten up on yourself this Holiday season.  It's early and you have healing to do, and the growth that comes out of this will make you that much more valuable to the lucky, normal girl you meet one day.  Too early to think about that I realize, but true nonetheless.

[so#overit]

Anyway, she first used her sexual wiles, and then started in with the belittling, condescending, disrespectful comments

Would she deny ever saying them if you brought them up?  That was mine... .if I didn't have a witness he would say it never happened.  If I did have a witness he would say he was just trying to be funny and I needed to lighten up.

[arn131arn]

Anyway, she first used her sexual wiles, and then started in with the belittling, condescending, disrespectful comments

Would she deny ever saying them if you brought them up?  That was mine... .if I didn't have a witness he would say it never happened.  If I did have a witness he would say he was just trying to be funny and I needed to lighten up.

Good one... .One I forgot about.  When something she said hurt me to my core, she would always be "joking".

Over the years my weight has fluctuated.  It has always fluctuated but I admit I need to drop 20 to 25 pounds this coming year. 

One of the meanest things she said to me when defending her love and hard work she did for this relationship was

"Arn, It was me, I was the one that would have to move your big gut out of the way to give you blowjobs."

I mean what a queen, huh?  The girl I broughthome to my mom said this.  And the girl my mother hates... .

[necchi]

Arm, not to be mean or anything, but your momma seems to take a wholla "o" space in your life ?

[fromheeltoheal]

Anyway, she first used her sexual wiles, and then started in with the belittling, condescending, disrespectful comments

Would she deny ever saying them if you brought them up?  That was mine... .if I didn't have a witness he would say it never happened.  If I did have a witness he would say he was just trying to be funny and I needed to lighten up.

She would do whatever she could in the moment to keep the chaos going. It was as if she was allergic to calm and mellow, always had to stir sht up, which worked to keep me on edge, and I think also made her feel at home; chaos is where she lives. Why did she do that? Oh yeah, serious mental illness. Why did I put up with it for so long? I knew where I was going, and was in complete denial that I could never get there with her.

[necchi]

Anyway, she first used her sexual wiles, and then started in with the belittling, condescending, disrespectful comments

Would she deny ever saying them if you brought them up?  That was mine... .if I didn't have a witness he would say it never happened.  If I did have a witness he would say he was just trying to be funny and I needed to lighten up.

She would do whatever she could in the moment to keep the chaos going. It was as if she was allergic to calm and mellow, always had to stir sht up, which worked to keep me on edge, and I think also made her feel at home; chaos is where she lives. Why did she do that? Oh yeah, serious mental illness. Why did I put up with it for so long? I knew where I was going, and was in complete denial that I could never get there with her.

Yah!why,why,why... .oh!yah!... .but why?... .oh!yah!

process we must go through to see clearly, it happens but sslloowwllyyy!

[arn131arn]

Arm, not to be mean or anything, but your momma seems to take a wholla "o" space in your life ?

My dad passed 2 years ago.  All my family and friends are tired of hearing about her and don't want to anymore after 14 years of living in Willy Wonka Toxic Land of Sludge.  

So, right now this website and my momma are all I have to keep my sanity until I can meet with P on Jan 10

[necchi]

Fine by me,fine by me... .

Take care 

[arn131arn]

Fine by me,fine by me... .

Take care 

It is a figure of speech where I am from, "Not the kind of girl you take home to momma."  was all I was trying to say really

BUT... .Maybe I never made it thru the Oedipus stage fully... .LOL! Maybe a topic for Jan 10th and a reason I attract woman like this! 

[GreenMango]

Hi Arn sorry to hear how rough things have been. How are things going with you son?  A breakup like this can bring a lot of collateral damage.

Have you had a chance to speak with an attorney?  If you guys are going this route try to reign in those texts messages to her if you can.  I know you are hurt its just that those might go on the record for custody.

It's hard  because treating any interaction like a business transaction seems contrary to the relationship - it can be helpful in safe guarding your with your child.

[arn131arn]

Hi Arn sorry to hear how rough things have been. How are things going with you son?  A breakup like this can bring a lot of collateral damage.

Have you had a chance to speak with an attorney?  If you guys are going this route try to reign in those texts messages to her if you can.  I know you are hurt its just that those might go on the record for custody.

It's hard  because treating any interaction like a business transaction seems contrary to the relationship - it can be helpful in safe guarding your with your child.

Thanks, Mango.  I understand the full consequences of my actions in regards to the mean and terrible texts I sent her about the abortion.  I am strictly NC from here on out.  part of the convo with my mother and her pertained to visitation rights and both families think we can handle it amicably.  I will offer a fair sum for child support or offer we split everything 50/50 in terms of support for our son. I will be the best dad I can be, I will validate him and let him know this had nothing to do with him.

As far as I'm concerned, I don't ever want to hear from her again unless it is an emergency that has to do with my sonn.

[GreenMango]

It's good to hear you have some support.  No contact is very difficult - almost impossible if you have kids - I'm sure you've noticed.

You may benefit from the coaching on legal and parenting boards (in addition to leaving) to get some advice on controlled contact.  No contact could backfire a little in that she/courts may interpret it as stonewalling or as a disinterest in the welfare of your child - even though you are just trying to make an emotionally safer space for yourself.  It's not a fun or easy situation to be in for sure.

The senior members on those boards have lots of practice keeping any contact about the kids and not engaging in more conflict. 

Just some thoughts.  Hope you get spend some quality time with your son and family.

Happy Holidays.