The lies. How do I get BPDh to speak the truth

[Wishful thinking]

My BPDh and I had a fall out this morning.

I cant help but feel like an utter failure at all this. I suck at everything. I try boundaries and it doesnt make me feel better about myself. I try to be firm and he gets defensive. I try to be calm and gentle and it blows up in my face.

Last nyt I came across porno videos in his browsing history. Yep it was the first tym in about 3 mnths. He has put in alot of effort to try and change. And bearing this in mind I gently confronted him this morning. Firstly by communicating my love and commitment to him and then by letting him know what I discovered.

He denied it (he is the only one using the pc) and it left me speechless. My stupid response was that it was found in his browsing history.

Obviously being defensive, he blew up and the name calling started. According to him i am his biggest enemy. Upon hearing this I stopped the conversation and walked off.

Hours later he apologized for his defensive behaviour

He still denies that he watched it.

Later he came by asking me to put a password on the pc's browsing. And how he would do anything to keep me happy.

It doesnt make me feel better. He still hasnt owned up. He probably never will. He feels im attacking him and he 

According to him he is innocent. I only have facts. What better ways were there to have approached this situation.

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[Learning_curve74]

Hey Wishful, I think it's very hard for most pwBPD to admit to something that will cause them to feel shame. When I caught my exBPDgf cheating, she initially refused to admit to any wrongdoing but instead focused on my response to it. And in reality, I don't think there is anything that she could have done to make me feel better about it anyhow.

Since your husband asked you to place a password on the browsing, it seems like he understands he did something you asked him not to do but cannot bring himself to own up to it or apologize directly. I think you probably did the right thing to walk away from the conversation once he started calling you his biggest enemy.

I'm replying to bump your post a bit and see if anybody else can chime in on how best to deal with lying from our pwBPD. I definitely wouldn't want to reinforce this type of behavior, and I'm unsure if just stating the facts with the evidence and then walking away from the resultant argument is the best way to deal with it. It may be, but I'm curious too what else you could've done.

[Stalwart]

I guess it comes down to choosing your battles. Hoping for an admission of guilt I think is almost counterproductive if not hopeless. To either go back on what he's said or face that guilt just isn't something that would typically happen. The fact as I see it is that most healthy minded men would deny this in the same way out of the same embarassement. If you think it's because he is BPD that he can't admit it, won't admit it, I would say most men would bale from an open admission to their wives out of embarassement. Pressing it can only worsen that and maybe evern to worse degree considering your SOs challenges.

I can see that porn is something that really must disgust you for you to have even approached him with a question you 'so already' knew the answer to. Have you really assessed the need and the potential harm that could be invoked from his actions? Have you really assessed the needs in your's confronting him on this.

I’m not really trying to downplay it because I can see porn upsets you greatly, I just hope for you in your life that you don’t have to deal with any other sexually derogatory actions he could choose to take or may actually be pushed towards inadvertently.

Speaking as a guy I would say that at some time or another a lot of men view porn but with no malicious or insidious intent. In most cases no more than a healthy curiousity of some of the things we've never experienced and know we probably never will. In my younger years I was prone to go in for a peek once in a while (but only to read the articles :-) ) Porn viewing for guys is as old as publishing info and in most cases harmless.

Radical acceptance sometimes means that perhaps we have to overlook some of the less harmful things. Viewing  porn certainly isn’t confined to a person with an emotional and social challenge. It’s not a result of his illness or affliction although your response to it considering his illness could be so overwhelmingly devastating.

I practice a scenario of acceptance that avoids confrontations  spiraling into situations that really may bring so much more harm to a relationship than the more minor quirks that pose no real and tangible threat to a relationship or the integrity of it. It's not that I'm really condoning porn viewing of "normal sexual encounter stuff" but so many have experienced things so much more devastating  from SOs than something as minor as this.

It wouldn't be something I would pursuit, it will wear itself out when boredom of it sets in and no harm or foul done compared to what alternatives exist that he could focus his attentions on. I am not certain how porn personally affects you or if you think perhaps he turns to porn and that reflects to you that there is a failing or missing in his life or wants.  It really isn’t the case of most men that view porn casually on the net. It really doesn’t have anything to do with their spouses or with a discontentment in their present lives. It’s just there and it’s available and it’s harmless in most guys minds.

Hope you can work this out in a way that brings both of you forward in your marriage and your personal relationship in a good direction.

[hergestridge]

I assumed the original poster had some sort of agreement with her husband that he should not watch porn. So wether watching porn is wrong or not wasn't the issue here, was it?

What I recognize so much from my BPD wife - and what I think is typicall for BPD people - is that even when they have obviously done something they have agreed not to do, they still find it worthwhile to deny what they've done and defend themselves. To the day they die if they have to. My wife keeps denying and defending until she considers the issue "water under the bridge" (not very long in her world) and then it's allright again.

To normal people this behavior is immoral and inapporporiate. And year in and year out I tried to find out what this behaviour was meant to acheive, and I'm still not quite sure. It seems more like a brain short-circuit type thing. Like when a dog hides only his head in a bush and then he thinks that noone sees when he poops.

BTW, I personally think it's OK to watch porn every now and then if you don't have some kind of abuse/addiction thing going on. I watch it occasionally (once/twice a week) for relief purposes. Me and my wife watch it together sometimes too. But it's a personal choice of course. You can't decide for others.

[Wishful thinking]

Just wanted to say thnx for all the responses.

After careful thinking I have to add that porn was/is not the issue. My whole beef about the whole thing is

1. We never had an agreement in place that it will be accepted in our marriage.

2. We never really agreed that its a No No either until we did recently

3. He claimed he didnt want to view it.

4. He requested me to put a password on our laptop.

5. Ive expressed my commitment to him that if he feels the need to watch it or have watched it, he would be honest about it.

His phone has contacted other women before without him knowing it. And so the pc watched videos that he claimed not to have watched. The proof is in the pudding and have explained that he will put me in a difficult position to believe him if the proof is staring me in the face.

I realize that honesty is a difficult thing esp when it involves 'wrongdoing' from his part. All I expect is the ownership of the whole thing good or bad. But I guess thats still a long shot.