I'm moving on finally

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

For the first time in months, I feel normal.

I didn't wake up and have him be the first thought in my head.

I read a lot this weekend about dealing with ruminations (here on this board) and what they call a "file" system. Put the memories of X in this file, and put it into the mental "cabinet" and lock it.

Now I have resisted doing this because I felt that I would not be dealing (processing) the feelings I had for the x. The last thing I wanted to do was to act like he does. He pushes everything away and is in utter denial of the pain he has caused. So, if this makes sense, I wanted to do the opposite.  I will take responsibility for MY PART in the demise of our marriage.

My part is not realizing my ex husband was mentally disordered. My part is living in denial. My part is putting up with behavior and abuse that no one should put up with. My part is hoping he would realize how much he loved me and stop torturing me. My part is not accepting that he is who he showed me he is. It was not what he said, it was his actions. And his actions say user, abuser, thief and liar. I am, and was a fool.

My part is also not realizing that abuse as a young child, a father leaving while he was young, a long hospital stay as a child... .warps a person for life unless they deal with those issues. My ex can not deal with them, at all. My part was feeling like I could fix him, I could save him... I could rescue him. Instead, he unleashed the dragon on me.  

I was a fool. I will not make the same mistakes. I forgive him for acting as he has. He has no other way, and he is who he is at 45. I am going to forgive me next. I hope my kids can forgive me for my poor choices.

So my ex is now locked in the mental filing cabinet. And every time I try to open that cabinet, I instead open my good feelings file. The birth of my sons, my oldest son's graduation, the home run hit my youngest had this summer in baseball. My friends gathering around me when I was at my lowest point, my parents coming up from Texas and staying two weeks with me, my mom holding me like a child while I cried. I am blessed.

I am happy today, and I am going to enjoy the first peaceful Christmas I've had since meeting my ex husband. God bless all of you and thank you so much for helping me along my journey. It's really just begun for me, and I'm looking forward, not back anymore.

L

 

[love4meNOTu]

For the first time in months, I feel normal.

I didn't wake up and have him be the first thought in my head.

I read a lot this weekend about dealing with ruminations (here on this board) and what they call a "file" system. Put the memories of X in this file, and put it into the mental "cabinet" and lock it.

Now I have resisted doing this because I felt that I would not be dealing (processing) the feelings I had for the x. The last thing I wanted to do was to act like he does. He pushes everything away and is in utter denial of the pain he has caused. So, if this makes sense, I wanted to do the opposite.  I will take responsibility for MY PART in the demise of our marriage.

My part is not realizing my ex husband was mentally disordered. My part is living in denial. My part is putting up with behavior and abuse that no one should put up with. My part is hoping he would realize how much he loved me and stop torturing me. My part is not accepting that he is who he showed me he is. It was not what he said, it was his actions. And his actions say user, abuser, thief and liar. I am, and was a fool.

My part is also not realizing that abuse as a young child, a father leaving while he was young, a long hospital stay as a child... .warps a person for life unless they deal with those issues. My ex can not deal with them, at all. My part was feeling like I could fix him, I could save him... I could rescue him. Instead, he unleashed the dragon on me.  

I was a fool. I will not make the same mistakes. I forgive him for acting as he has. He has no other way, and he is who he is at 45. I am going to forgive me next. I hope my kids can forgive me for my poor choices.

So my ex is now locked in the mental filing cabinet. And every time I try to open that cabinet, I instead open my good feelings file. The birth of my sons, my oldest son's graduation, the home run hit my youngest had this summer in baseball. My friends gathering around me when I was at my lowest point, my parents coming up from Texas and staying two weeks with me, my mom holding me like a child while I cried. I am blessed.

I am happy today, and I am going to enjoy the first peaceful Christmas I've had since meeting my ex husband. God bless all of you and thank you so much for helping me along my journey. It's really just begun for me, and I'm looking forward, not back anymore.

L

 

[heartandwhole]

love4me,

Your post moved me to tears!  I'm so happy for you. You have come a long way and yes, you are truly blessed and loved.  And we are blessed to have you on the boards!  Thank you for sharing your healing journey with us –you are doing the work, and it is changing you, and your life, for the better.  So inspirational! 

[love4meNOTu]

Thank you so much heartandwhole... .

Took me seven months to get here though... .when I love someone it takes a long time for me to stop doing so. But to paraphrase Melody Beattie... .

Even though the worst has happened to me, I know that it was for the best.

and

What if... .we had a guarantee that everything that's happening, and has happened, in our life was meant to be, planned just for us and in our best interests?

We'd be free to let go and enjoy life.

I'm only 45, this is not the end for me. I have another 45 years on this planet to get it right and see what God has in store for me.

That is a gift.  

L

[atcrossroads]

Great read, Love4menotu!  It sounds like you've come a long way and have such a positive and inspiring outlook. I'm 45 also and have been out of the house since Feb. (separated in house since Oct. 2012).  It's freeing, and I agree life is not over... .it's just beginning!  

[love4meNOTu]

Great read, Love4menotu!  It sounds like you've come a long way and have such a positive and inspiring outlook. I'm 45 also and have been out of the house since Feb. (separated in house since Oct. 2012).  It's freeing, and I agree life is not over... .it's just beginning!  

Hi atcrossroads... .

Just an FYI. Sandra Bullock (49), can you imagine her staying with that creep who cheated on her?

I think not.

Oh, and Halle Berry just had a baby at age 46.

So if it helps at all... I do know there is life in me at age 45. I do not know what the future holds.

L

[RecycledNoMore]

Love, im so happy for you!, I remember some of your earlier posts, you were so hurt, so lost in sadness and emotion, Im feeling better now too, thanks to everybodys posts and shared experinces with pwBPD, I am just so stoked to see the change in you, brings a lil tear to my eye:)

Merry Xmas to you and your family!

[Iwalk-Heruns]

That's so wonderful Love4me. I am very happy for you. That is no small accomplishment. I hope you and your children have a beautiful Christmas!

[love4meNOTu]

Thank you both so very much!

Merry Christmas!

 

[arn131arn]

Hey 4 me,

I think I need to work on purchasing one of them der file cabinets you talk about... .!

I too know the mistakes I had in my relationship and own them... .something she will never be able to do or has not done in 14 years.

My son hit his first HR this past summer, as well, I broke down, he went around second base with his arms out... .flying... .on top of the world.  It's bringing me to tears now thinking of it.  You are right, the first thing I do when I wake up is hit reality.  She is not with me... she is with my replacement.

I can't wait for the day when it's my son flying like an eagle around 2nd base.

Best wishes and happy holidays

[love4meNOTu]

Hey 4 me,

I think I need to work on purchasing one of them der file cabinets you talk about... .!

I too know the mistakes I had in my relationship and own them... .something she will never be able to do or has not done in 14 years.

My son hit his first HR this past summer, as well, I broke down, he went around second base with his arms out... .flying... .on top of the world.  It's bringing me to tears now thinking of it.  You are right, the first thing I do when I wake up is hit reality.  She is not with me... she is with my replacement.

I can't wait for the day when it's my son flying like an eagle around 2nd base.

Best wishes and happy holidays

Don't let her take that joy from you.

We're here with you, you aren't alone.

L

[TwoCents]

Or worse yet, vilify or mock you.  Just expect the worst and hope for the best.