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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Do you ever feel sorry for them?  (Read 3949 times)
myself
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« Reply #60 on: December 30, 2013, 11:30:59 PM »

Apparently my own insecurities were a trigger for her. 

We had them before, but being in a relationsionship with a pwBPD brings them out into a bright light. From idealization to seeing us the way they see themselves? Unsure, in pain, exaggerating things sometimes? It gets triggered and turned against us. I believe my ex showed real care for me, as well as acting like she only wanted brownie points or recognition for what she'd done. I'd also say their insecurities do the most damage.
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ucmeicu2
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« Reply #61 on: December 31, 2013, 10:47:34 AM »

Mr confused

They exactly know what they are doing and often enjoy it. You will reach this point too, it takes a very long time to reach level of non BPD level of intelligence to work everything out.

pearl it almost sounds like you're painting the pwBPD black.   i don't think it's beneficial to use such broad strokes.  pwBPD have to meet at least 5 of the 9 DSM criteria ~ that's a possible 256 (!) manifestions/presentations of BPD.  thats a lot of different 'faces' of BPD.

my own xBPDgf, i can't say for sure 100%, she had N traits but i believe she was acting out of the fear (push/pull) not maliciousness.  someone with ASPD or NPD may, tho, and maybe your pwBPD leaned more in those directions?


Excerpt
yes it is your decision to stay or go.  if i understood you correctly, you've decided to stay?   this board (L3) is for those who have and/or are ending the r/s.    

Yes, I am aware of that.  I started on the staying board when I first joined this website, then moved to the leaving board when I was coldly and abruptly dumped and absolutely could not deal with it.  My partner only recently came back into my life, so I haven't packed my bags to leave the leaving board yet.  Odds are I won't be gone too long, so is it okay if I leave a toothbrush behind?

gosh, in retrospect i hope i didn't come off as snarky, sure wasn't meant that way.  i like the way they set the boards up, so that everybody (both writer and reader) is in the best board(s) to get their needs met.  naturally our needs change over time ~ so i'll save you a seat, just in case.  best of luck to you, Traumatized!

 9
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Pearl55
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« Reply #62 on: December 31, 2013, 12:46:47 PM »

Ucmicu2

First I'm talking about full blown borderlines. Whatever I wrote in my posts, has been proven to me. Bpd is not very well understood. My husband as a psychiatrist who is specialised in BPD who talked about this disorder many years ago when I had no idea he has this disorder himself!

It is almost impossible BPD EXCIST on its own. Even waif borderlines (wolf in sheep skin) are highly manipulative and they know what they are doing! They are naturally highly skilled in brainwashing!
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damage control
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« Reply #63 on: December 31, 2013, 12:57:34 PM »

I tend to agree with Ucmicu2 pearl.

It's too easy to make broad generalisations about manipulation and 'evil' behaviour and intentions. And while some pwBPD may indeed manipulate on a conscious level, not everyone is spending their time trying to 'brainwash' those they are in contact with. I am not sure it is useful to speak of 'us' and 'them' with such ease either ... .

Don't get me wrong, I think my ex (for example) is doing things that I wouldn't expect of a person with his (apparent) insight and psychological cognisance so, either he is callous/indifferent or, he isn't as emotionally astute as I thought/he makes out ... and sometimes I do wonder if he takes pleasure from my pain (or if he is just repulsed by it) but even though there are shared traits, behaviours and attributes, there are a wide variety of pwBPD just as there is a wide variety of people/behaviours with any PD.
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Perfidy
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« Reply #64 on: December 31, 2013, 02:02:35 PM »

Um... .Evil does exist. There are evil people. Don't ever think there aren't.
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Waifed
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« Reply #65 on: December 31, 2013, 02:09:56 PM »

Mr confused

They exactly know what they are doing and often enjoy it. You will reach this point too, it takes a very long time to reach level of non BPD level of intelligence to work everything out.

pearl it almost sounds like you're painting the pwBPD black.   i don't think it's beneficial to use such broad strokes.  pwBPD have to meet at least 5 of the 9 DSM criteria ~ that's a possible 256 (!) manifestions/presentations of BPD.  thats a lot of different 'faces' of BPD.

my own xBPDgf, i can't say for sure 100%, she had N traits but i believe she was acting out of the fear (push/pull) not maliciousness.  someone with ASPD or NPD may, tho, and maybe your pwBPD leaned more in those directions?


Excerpt
yes it is your decision to stay or go.  if i understood you correctly, you've decided to stay?   this board (L3) is for those who have and/or are ending the r/s.    

Yes, I am aware of that.  I started on the staying board when I first joined this website, then moved to the leaving board when I was coldly and abruptly dumped and absolutely could not deal with it.  My partner only recently came back into my life, so I haven't packed my bags to leave the leaving board yet.  Odds are I won't be gone too long, so is it okay if I leave a toothbrush behind?

gosh, in retrospect i hope i didn't come off as snarky, sure wasn't meant that way.  i like the way they set the boards up, so that everybody (both writer and reader) is in the best board(s) to get their needs met.  naturally our needs change over time ~ so i'll save you a seat, just in case.  best of luck to you, Traumatized!

 9

Agreed that they come in all flavors.  The passive aggressive side of the pwBPD is what causes the manipulation.  It is done so that they can control you.  They want to feel like you won't leave and they generally lack control of themselves.  I would guess that most pwBPD have the passive aggressiveness, but I don't know.  Mine did.  She was aware of her actions most of the time I am sure.  When you lie to manipulate it is probably a pretty conscious act. 
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Waifed
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« Reply #66 on: December 31, 2013, 02:12:42 PM »

Um... .Evil does exist. There are evil people. Don't ever think there aren't.

It is crazy.  You go from loving this person more than anything in the world to realizing that they have this evil side that doesn't show itself until the mask comes off.  I remember at the end I said to her "I don't even know who you are"  How right I was.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #67 on: December 31, 2013, 02:14:50 PM »

Um... .Evil does exist. There are evil people. Don't ever think there aren't.

I disagree Perfidy; these are people who were traumatized at a very young age, so young they couldn't make rational sense of it, and it got hardwired into their personalities.  They are doing the best they can to survive, just like all of us, and unfortunately they are unaware of their subconscious motivations, do what they do, and it ends up hurting people; in a sense we get to share that early trauma with them.

Think how hard it is to change who you are.  It's harder for them and most don't, so they live a life of perpetual pain, although they will share it.
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damage control
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« Reply #68 on: December 31, 2013, 02:15:07 PM »

Mine also had PA Waifed ... .he never raged but I know he was and is an extremely angry man at times - he told me a few weeks back that he had been experiencing 'homicidal rage' for weeks ... you wouldn't know it to look at him or talk to him ... it all comes out in PA behaviour and abject cruelty.

@Perdy ... I wasn't actually saying that there are not evil people or actions in the world ... .more that choosing the most evil behaviour/intentions and assigning those to 'all' pwBPD 'all' the time is perhaps not the most productive way of thinking Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Perfidy
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« Reply #69 on: December 31, 2013, 02:25:43 PM »

Calculated deliberate malicious behavior. It happens. I know what happened. Sick yes. Evil.
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blueeyedjess

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« Reply #70 on: December 31, 2013, 02:31:26 PM »

Um... .Evil does exist. There are evil people. Don't ever think there aren't.

It is crazy.  You go from loving this person more than anything in the world to realizing that they have this evil side that doesn't show itself until the mask comes off.  I remember at the end I said to her "I don't even know who you are"  How right I was.

Yep, Even had that one thrown back at me when I didn't act the way he was expecting me to act- IE: agreeing with him
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Pearl55
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« Reply #71 on: December 31, 2013, 03:26:46 PM »

Fromhealtoheal

When my husband took his mask off his real personalty I witnessed was so sick! I can embarrass myself anymore than this! My dignity caused me to leave!
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #72 on: December 31, 2013, 04:14:44 PM »

When my husband took his mask off his real personalty I witnessed was so sick! I can embarrass myself anymore than this! My dignity caused me to leave!

Yeah, mine too.  And it isn't her fault, but it is her responsibility, something very few of them accept and deal with.
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