BPD Rage - Holiday Cops Edition

[Depression = 72% of members]

I had to call the police last night when my BPDw started trashing our house. Great way to spend a holiday vacation. She had been silently seething all day, drank some wine and then started the same old routine - I'm the one with the problem, etc. she had been following me from room to room and was doing it in front of our daughter when I was trying to put her to bed. I left and got a hotel room. She began calling/texting abusive stuff telling me to come home and then started texting me pictures of the damage she was doing to our house. That's when I called the cops. The officer looked at all the abusive texts and said he understood but there was nothing they could do. He made a report and then left.

She got the argument she was looking for then. I really wish I had just left again but it was just too much at that point.

We are trying to sell it and have done tons of work to get it on the market. We can't show it now with multiple holes in the walls. She broke a couple of our daughter's toys that she got for Christmas. (She is two and slept through most of it. I hope.) I just can't see how a mother could do that.

I'm at my wits end now. I really don't even know what to say to her. She is in shame/sulk mode. I know she feels terrible. I just keep thinking I have to keep this from my child. She can't grow up with this. She can't be repeat this in her life.

I really don't know what to do from here. I gave her one ultimatum - never ever will there be alcohol in this house again. And she had to fix the damage to the house. But beyond that we haven't talked. I'm not perfect but I have done nothing to deserve this. I don't know how to make the anger go away with her. There's always some excuse, her back hurts, she's depressed, her clothes don't fit anymore... .always some excuse for her to be angry and take it out on me and then eventually I snap and say something invalidating... .and the rage begins again.

Thanks for listening. Any thoughts on how to constructively approach this with her now? How do you nons recover from an extra special nutter like this?

[Nonamouse]

I had to call the police last night when my BPDw started trashing our house. Great way to spend a holiday vacation. She had been silently seething all day, drank some wine and then started the same old routine - I'm the one with the problem, etc. she had been following me from room to room and was doing it in front of our daughter when I was trying to put her to bed. I left and got a hotel room. She began calling/texting abusive stuff telling me to come home and then started texting me pictures of the damage she was doing to our house. That's when I called the cops. The officer looked at all the abusive texts and said he understood but there was nothing they could do. He made a report and then left.

She got the argument she was looking for then. I really wish I had just left again but it was just too much at that point.

We are trying to sell it and have done tons of work to get it on the market. We can't show it now with multiple holes in the walls. She broke a couple of our daughter's toys that she got for Christmas. (She is two and slept through most of it. I hope.) I just can't see how a mother could do that.

I'm at my wits end now. I really don't even know what to say to her. She is in shame/sulk mode. I know she feels terrible. I just keep thinking I have to keep this from my child. She can't grow up with this. She can't be repeat this in her life.

I really don't know what to do from here. I gave her one ultimatum - never ever will there be alcohol in this house again. And she had to fix the damage to the house. But beyond that we haven't talked. I'm not perfect but I have done nothing to deserve this. I don't know how to make the anger go away with her. There's always some excuse, her back hurts, she's depressed, her clothes don't fit anymore... .always some excuse for her to be angry and take it out on me and then eventually I snap and say something invalidating... .and the rage begins again.

Thanks for listening. Any thoughts on how to constructively approach this with her now? How do you nons recover from an extra special nutter like this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

I haven't been here very long, so keep that in mind.

You sound like you had a huge ordeal. What I am learning here is not so much how you deal with the aftermaths of such events, but more how you can keep it from happening in the first place.

The way you speak of your wife, you sound furious and like you are in a power struggle and have zero respect for her. Ultimatums seldom work in the way you hope they will.

I am a little shocked by your report. Probably someone with more experience will come along soon and help better than I can.

[waverider]

What real boundaries with real consequential actions do you think you could take to remove the effect this has on you and your daughter?

[Seneca]

again, i feel so so badly for hwBPD wives and small kids... .what a horrible place to be. the law is almost always on a woman's side. after hundreds of years of women being abused, raped, beaten etc and the law ignoring us, i understand what a wonderful time we live in. but it is sad that the law errs on the side of trusting a woman more than a man. i am sure you are mortified at the prospect of divorcing and giving your wife unsupervised time with your baby girl, or what she might say about you to limit your custody. i don't know how to help you with your current situation, but i want to suggest that you keep a record of these events - pictures of damage, calling the police, writing down specific arguments that contained threats to you, your property, your daughter or herself. children who have messed up childhoods (me. my BPDh) grow up to be messed up adults. if she cannot control this crud around your daughter, you have some serious thinking to do.

so so sorry for your pain 

[Nonamouse]

Hi - Thank you all for the feedback.

The way you speak of your wife, you sound furious and like you are in a power struggle and have zero respect for her. Ultimatums seldom work in the way you hope they will.

Zencat, it is probably true that I have little respect for her now. I love her and I will support her, but respect is earned through actions. And she has to start taking responsibility for the consequences of her actions. Her anger builds over small things - some my fault, some no one's fault - and she actively nurses them to feel vindicated in her accusations. She lets the resentment build, and then she makes a bad decision (alcohol) and it explodes. She is mentally ill and avoiding some of these things is going to take work with ups and downs, but she can't adbicate all responsibility.

In terms of ultimatums, alcohol is not something I will negotiate. She is not an alcoholic, it just lowers her inhibition to uncontrollable anger. We have had 3 separate times where the police could have arrested her and all 3 involved alcohol. If she decides she needs to drink, I will leave her. It's not an issue now. She understands now. It's 3 months from now when this incident is in the past that it will have to remain firmly in place.

Waverider - Alcohol is the only one real boundary I know. She will try to eat away at this one - just one drink at dinner, etc. But until she can control her anger when sober, it's out of the question. And that could a very long time.

We talked today. In the past, I was the fixer. I would repair what was broken and make endless suggestions about what she should do - set up a dr. appointment, go to the gym, take a shower, get out of the house. I told her I was done with that today. It's her responsibility to fix herself and the damage she caused. I will support her in whatever she chooses. But I am out of the fixing other people business because I'm really crappy at it.

She has taken back a gift I gave her for Christmas and is replacing our daughter's with the return money. It's a good start. She also broke her phone - I just found out about that. I've replaced two broken phones - not cheap - so it's her responsibility to figure out how to do this.

I have already taken steps to call every friend I've disconnected with and start making plans. I'm not going to become Mr. Social and freak her out, but I am taking steps to see people again and take care of myself. This is going to be a boundary, one that I've tried in the past but not enforced well enough.

Finally - I know she isn't the only one that has work to do. I do have to work on my validation/communication skills to help her get through the rough spots without making them worse.

Seneca - (By the way, awesome name and my favorite philosopher.) Yes, I am documenting this and have the photos. This is tricky when you're dealing with someone with intense abandonment issues. I anticipate next week that she'll be start asking whether I've seen a lawyer, did I just come back from the lawyer, etc. She knows I'm documenting it now, she saw me take the photos. So I have to be honest about that, without triggering her to think I have one foot out the door. I don't, but I have to take care of my daughter and me.

Again, today it's not so much an issue... .but as this incident becomes less fresh in her mind, and the BPD/abandonment traits start taking over, then I'll have to learn how to deal with why I'm documenting it in a way that doesn't make her dysregulate.

Thanks all. Any feedback welcome.







 

[MammaMia]

Nonamouse

Your w sounds like my exh.  Holes in the walls, psychological and physical abuse, terrible rages, tantrums, and threats. So much more. Our children were terrified of him as was I. He was uBPD and alcoholic.  Alcohol is definitely a catalyst.

You have given your w an ultimatum to get help. It IS up to her to repair the damage she has created, as you have said.  Obviously she is ill.  Has she ever been given a diagnosis or has she refused therapy and/or treatment?  

If she cannot abide by the house rules and get help, you will need to address the issues as they affect your daughter and yourself.  That is a decision only you can make, but you do need to consider the long-term effects of her behavior on both of you.  People with mental illness tend to minimize the true devastation they inflict on others, and she definitely needs anger and self-control management just for starters.

Do not back down.  Stay strong.

This kind of behavior can easily erase anything good that happened during the Holidays.  I am so very sorry your Christmas ended this way.

[elemental]

I spent a lot of time on narcissism boards in the last few years.

Your story Ogopogo DUDE is kind of disturbing.

[elemental]

Oh dear.

What is your wife's response to all of this? Does she have an attorney?

[Pearl55]

Nanomouse

Your wife is great with your daughter because she is too young now so she is an idealised object. My husband was great father but when my son stated to develop his personality and have his own ideas, my husband started to see him in black and white. When he dropped my son to my place, my son accidentally hit his face and my husband broke his umbrella. He is not even 7 years old.

[love4meNOTu]

nonamouse-

My exhwBPD is not a good father to his teenager. He was overly critical, would yell at him all the time... was denigrating to him (quit touching everything, your hands are so greasy). Oh my word, when he was teaching him to drive I prayed to god to please let me out of the car as soon as possible. Ugh... the arguing.

Then he would hug him.

I never understood it. But, his son does not care about him either. When my exhwBPD once poured his heart out to his son, his son later used the information to hurt him.

Like father, like son.

It's a vicious circle. And very disturbing to witness.

[an0ught]

Hi Nonamouse,

We talked today. In the past, I was the fixer. I would repair what was broken and make endless suggestions about what she should do - set up a dr. appointment, go to the gym, take a shower, get out of the house. I told her I was done with that today. It's her responsibility to fix herself and the damage she caused. I will support her in whatever she chooses. But I am out of the fixing other people business because I'm really crappy at it.

She has taken back a gift I gave her for Christmas and is replacing our daughter's with the return money. It's a good start. She also broke her phone - I just found out about that. I've replaced two broken phones - not cheap - so it's her responsibility to figure out how to do this.

I have already taken steps to call every friend I've disconnected with and start making plans. I'm not going to become Mr. Social and freak her out, but I am taking steps to see people again and take care of myself. This is going to be a boundary, one that I've tried in the past but not enforced well enough.

Finally - I know she isn't the only one that has work to do. I do have to work on my validation/communication skills to help her get through the rough spots without making them worse.

this is a big change and a brave one   It sounds like hitting bottom and this hurts a lot . There are limits to what you can and should do. You don't know whether she gets her act together or not but you use your scarce energy for yourself and the kid. Wise move.

I can only wish you that the next year will be a better one  ,

a0

[Nonamouse]

Thanks an0ught - I wish you all a happy - and peaceful - 2014 as well.