replaced already

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My exgfwBPD and I broke up about 6 weeks ago.  Today she sent me an email to let me know that she had met the love of her life (same thing she called me), who is much "different and better" than me.  They are already engaged.  Even though I absolutely do NOT want to be with her, this news hit me hard.  What the heck?  I'm still processing and healing from our roller coaster, but she has moved on to be happy?

This totally sucks.

[redkong]

My exgfwBPD and I broke up about 6 weeks ago.  Today she sent me an email to let me know that she had met the love of her life (same thing she called me), who is much "different and better" than me.  They are already engaged.  Even though I absolutely do NOT want to be with her, this news hit me hard.  What the heck?  I'm still processing and healing from our roller coaster, but she has moved on to be happy?

This totally sucks.

[MrFox]

6 weeks must be the magic number.  My exBPDgf was also engaged 6 weeks after we split and is now married.  It does hit hard even though you don't want to be with them.  It's a blow to the ego to be replaced so quickly by someone you loved so much.  The reality is that we (Nons) tend to look at it from our point of view.  If we could replace someone so quickly it would because you never really cared about the person you were with and you truly found someone "better".  We sometimes forget that pwBPD operate differently.  They can't be alone, they need a source, and marrying that person is a one more way to ensure they won't leave. 

There is also the possibility she is doing this to hurt you.  I strongly feel that my ex did this, which speaks to a whole other level of messed up.  To use someone and marry them to hurt another person.

[laelle]

I know it is a painful moment for you redkong, but let the logic speak here... .

Why does she contact you to tell you that she has someone else?  That is heartless and cruel (who does that to someone they care about?)

In her little BPD mind she is trying to continue to hurt you because that makes her own misery feel better.  She cant go all BPD on him yet, as she has not finished getting what she wants from him, so you are the target.

Given that, do you really suppose she is happy?

You broke up 6 weeks ago, and she is already engaged?  This speaks volumes about her ability to commit and sustain emotions.  Shows that he is mentally not in a good place as well.  

She lives in a fantasy world that is spiraling towards a black hole, and she will take anyone that stays with her down to the edges of that hole.  She will then jump ship, having planned in advance for another to "save" her, and you fall helplessly into that hole in reward for all your good efforts.

If anything, her message reinforces how truly sick she is and how lucky you are to be out of that relationship.

If her emails bother you, block her, or set a boundary for what can be discussed with you.  You are not going to discuss things that make you uncomfortable with anyone.

 Hang in there!  It does get better!

[arn131arn]

I really hate this.  Is there someway we can rid these BPD people from the earth?

Jesus, I was replaced 3 weeks ago, Redkong.  By a friggin millionaire 10 years older than us.

I guess in 3 more weeks they'll be engaged, and I will be feeling worse than I am now.

Let's stay strong, bro.  What doesn't kill us makes us stronger

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm so sorry Redkong, I know that must hurt so bad.  Deep down the fact she even emailed means you're on her mind, albeit in a sick way and I know that's not the kind of information you wanted to hear.  I agree with the others though, blocking her in all ways puts you in the drivers seat.

(())

CiF

[heartandwhole]

This totally sucks.

Ouch, it really does!  Redkong, I'm sorry you had to hear that from her, that is very hurtful.  I would have felt awful receiving a message like that.  Maybe it's best if you stop contact for a while?

Hang in there, we're here for you and we care.    

[Tincanmike]

I too was replaced. Three times it seems within four months.  Oh yeah, and she's "in love".  I think that they just want us to be happy for them.  Everybody's happy, yea! I feel your pain.  It does suck. I go from confused, bewildered, hurt, sad, anxious, angry.  All normal things in any breakup I suppose, but with someone with a personality disorder even harder to process.  The thing that helped me the most, besides medicine and therapy, has been the article on this site about ruminating and dealing with our "memory files".  You have to face some of this head on, but you also have to get to the point where you can practice and control the "bad files" and replace them with something that makes you feel better.  For myself, it's pictures of the wilderness I used to spend my summers.  Whatever works for you.  Try to keep "them" out of your mind. No or low contact.  It's hard I know, but it gets easier when you accept that this is truly out of our control. We are leaves on a stream and it will take us where we belong, but we might get caught up in some rapids and rocks on the way.  Peace to you.

[Waifed]

My exgfwBPD and I broke up about 6 weeks ago.  Today she sent me an email to let me know that she had met the love of her life (same thing she called me), who is much "different and better" than me.  They are already engaged.  Even though I absolutely do NOT want to be with her, this news hit me hard.  What the heck?  I'm still processing and healing from our roller coaster, but she has moved on to be happy?

This totally sucks.

This would piss me off royally. What is wrong with these people.  Why is this crap so addicting? I would have responded with something along the lines of "It doesn't matter who you are with. It's never gonna work. You are destined to never have a successful relationship. I can tell you exactly how it is going to play out. Lmao. I pity you and the misery ahead of you. You couldn't have me back if you were the last person on this Earth. Have a great day ". Block. Move on.

Hang in there Red. File this under the "this is why I shouldn't be with her". Who does ___ like this?  No sane person would do this and certainly no one that you would want to share your life with. You deserve so much better.

[Tincanmike]

Just a short note to you Red. This was my first relationship so I had no prior experience with breaking up.  I asked my therapist, "do normal people move into new relationships so quickly?" (Especially after an 8 year marriage). As I mentioned before, she's been through three guys in a very short period of time.  I needed to hear from someone that this isn't normal behavior, some validation. He said that it's not normal and that she most likely "does" have BPD.  Still not easy to cope with but at least I know that I'm not crazy for thinking this crap is crazy.

[redkong]

Thanks everyone for your support and for helping me ground myself in what is very likely true.  You all help me balance my emotional side with my rational side, and it helps so much because I know you really understand - we all pretty much understand each other here when nobody without similar experience does. 

It really does hurt to feel like I was "amazing" to my exgfwBPD (her word), and then be replaced so quickly.  I think even more than that, it also pisses me off that she wreaked such havoc in my mind and heart and while I'm still struggling to sort through things she has moved on without a care.

I guess the one gift I could say that I've received from this r/s is that I've learned I have some more work to do on myself - learning how to understand and care for my own vulnerabilities, and learning how to set better boundaries.  I did ok with boundaries with my exBPDgf, which angered and triggered her to no end, but I probably could have done things better, more gracefully, and I've just become aware through this experience that I should work on this to be healthy in any r/s.

I will have to figure out how to block her email address.  In the meantime, I set up a filter so that her messages don't go to my inbox but to a separate folder that is far enough down my folder list that I don't even see it on my screen unless I specifically scroll down and look.  

[LilMissSunshine]

She's a gross b#tch.     Whether its true or not, the only reason she sent you that email was to hurt you and it worked.  :)o me a favor?  Send her a "congrats on your engagement card" and sign it from all of us here.           

[redkong]

Sunshine, hahaha, that would be be pretty fun to do.  Also, thanks for calling my attention to the vomiting emoticon - I never noticed it before, but it's certainly perfect!

[Littleopener]

I'm not sure, because I didn't get the option because he likes to hide his "relationships", but I think I might've liked him to at least tell me he's moved on rather than just keep me hanging (he never broke up with me, just pretty much stopped being affectionate). Finding out through a friend hurt. Him telling me would at least have shown that he cared about my feelings.

[Changed4safety]

Mine replaced me with someone the day after he begged me to come back for the last time.  Then about two months later, he met the woman he gushed about all over FB--who, I later learned from a mutual friend, said "we fought every week".  She also revealed that he got violent with her in the same manner my ex did (choking) and left him as I did (moved out of state.)  That was over Thanksgiving weekend.  He's already "cultivating" the next one by giving her the same sticker to put on her car as he gave me, taking her to hockey games, getting her into the same aspect of the same hobbies he enjoys, etc. etc.  It's like he finds a woman, decides she's "the one" and then tries to "shape" her into Perfect Girl Who Will Never Leave.  When she doesn't fit exactly (because he keeps changing the criteria) he gets angry, blows up at her, breaks stuff, hurts her, and she leaves.  Took my replacement five months--took me five years, but we leave.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

We are unique, beautiful, wonderful people he tries to make into cookie cutters, and when we cannot be what his ill mind wishes, he grows angry and tries to break his toys. 

If I had fully realized this earlier on, I'd have been gone much, much sooner, I'd be 5 years younger, and with $100,000 more in my bank account. 

It always hurts to read when someone else experiences it.  I was in denial about it for so long, but now I have seen it in action.  Just know, deeply, that it really IS your ex's issue, and it has nothing at ALL to do with you.

[seeking balance]

It really does hurt to feel like I was "amazing" to my exgfwBPD (her word), and then be replaced so quickly.  I think even more than that, it also pisses me off that she wreaked such havoc in my mind and heart and while I'm still struggling to sort through things she has moved on without a care.

Here is your silverlining... .

You are amazing - not because of her - because of you!  Her actions towards you may have made you feel it about yourself for a bit, but you were amazing before her and you are amazing now 

Be sad, that is what HEALTHY, AMAZING people do when they love then hurt. 

Be AMAZING without her now - because you are!

Peace,

SB

[sadinnc98]

I am really sorry you are dealing with this. I now know firsthand how it feels when there is a 3rd party involved... .it sucks times ten. I feel that email was intentionally hurtful... or maybe wanting you beg her back or profess your love? These people seriously just suck... their blatant disregard for the feelings of others is uncanny.  If she is engaged 6 weeks after ending a relationship... that speaks volumes... its a recipe for disaster... .I am glad you are out of that situation. Stay strong!

[Changingman]

These 'relationships' they get us involved with are so odd, I think of them as the same odd wiring in their brains. They know/don't know how truly messed up their social life is.

Why would you be interested in her new RS, really! Who are these people, you had a RS with her, not anyone else, but they can't seem to be able to 'weigh' any RS kin their lives.

THEY ARE MY BEST FRIEND

Not really, you just met them. Friendships develop over years.

SOULMATES

What are you 8 years old

I'M ENGAGED TO THE MOST AMAZING ETC AFTER A MONTH

Wow, really, why not tell everyone about your mental, unhinged RS. Perhaps you'll believe it yourself if you convince others it's genuine.

Telling you is so revealing, really there is nothing there. Block her and get on with life my friend, the lie is dead. Don't let them hex you with their delusions, you know now who they are.

[bpdspell]

Redkong,

Shift your perspective and used the word "rescued" instead of "replaced."  Someone else being in the picture rescues us from the damage our ex's are liable to inflict on us.

Our ex's do not replace us they look for new sources of supply to fit into their narrow narcissistic paradigm…until that blows up in their faces as well. This is what BPD is: a three year old trapped in the matrix of an adult body.

Using the word replaces hands over to our ex's way too much power when in reality not being with our ex's is a second chance at life; a gift. They are no prize pig and there is no gold pot at the end of the BPD rainbow; only misery, toxicity, and really screwed up rubix cube thinking.

Your life is bigger than anything your ex could ever give you. You just have to cultivate that belief.

Your ex being with someone else is her indirect way of doing you a HUGE favor. As much as we may miss them and love them they are a real pain in the butt to be with and a major drain on our souls. After the idealization period with my ex was over I felt like I had shackles on my ankles and wrists. I was in imprisoned by his entitlement, narcissistic all about me selfishness, and increasingly being enshrouded in his warped view of the world.

She's someone else's problem now. Congratulate her and go no contact.

Spell

[fromheeltoheal]

There's no way in hell that relationship is going to work, and if you guys never got to engagement, the pain the new guy is in for will be far worse than what you went through with her.

If you broke up with her and left, abandonment in her head, her email is retribution for that, since you hurt her where it hurts most.

You wouldn't be hurting if you hadn't read the email.  I did that too, shouldn't have but did, it hurt, but it also confirmed my decision to leave, since by then the dysfunction had become transparent and she just looked that much more ridiculous.

Time to block emails and whatever else to eliminate all channels to you from her, and then use this experience to recommit to your detachment and healing, and throw in some gratitude that she is about to create massive pain for someone other than you, actually just share the pain she's always in.  Take care of you!

[RecycledNoMore]

Red

What a dick

Sorry bbs but your better off without her anyway... .

My ridiculous x also txt me 1am the other week telling me how happy he is now, my reply, happy people dont txt their exes to say how happy they are, his reply back, oh sorry wrong number... .

Dicks, red

Always playin games

Dont play.

Your better than this.

[redkong]

It really does hurt to feel like I was "amazing" to my exgfwBPD (her word), and then be replaced so quickly.  I think even more than that, it also pisses me off that she wreaked such havoc in my mind and heart and while I'm still struggling to sort through things she has moved on without a care.

Here is your silverlining... .

You are amazing - not because of her - because of you!  Her actions towards you may have made you feel it about yourself for a bit, but you were amazing before her and you are amazing now 

Be sad, that is what HEALTHY, AMAZING people do when they love then hurt. 

Be AMAZING without her now - because you are!

Peace,

SB

Wow... .I think everyone one this board should read this and embrace it.  You're right, I was amazing before I met my exBPDgf, and I am now.  So are you - all of you!

I love how people on this board listen to and support each other.  So happy to have found you all.  I hope I'm able to offer the same in return.

[Clearmind]

BPD is a pattern of relating - meaning its pervasive and won't change... .we are all replacements from the previous relationship.

Luckily we can change who we are attracted to and begin to work on ourselves to steer ourselves away from dysfunction and towards a relationship that is fulfilling and toxic free.

It is sad and many of us were in your shoes Red! There is light at the end of the tunnel - many of us found the other side and are so much happier than before... because we are enough and don't need a Borderline to fill a void.

It takes time, we all process the grief in different ways... .you found the right place.