Ugh..today sucks

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am watching him do that shady FB crap-log in and log out every 2 mins or so-he is messaging his lady friend (who is also taken which is why they do it this way)... I have been ignored for three days now... .I need to unfriend him and go NC (not that he is contacting me anyway)  Every time I see him do this FB stuff, its like a little piece of my heart has been taken out.  Where can I get the strength to unfriend him and move on? I have cried all day today-this is terrible  :'(

[sadinnc98]

I am watching him do that shady FB crap-log in and log out every 2 mins or so-he is messaging his lady friend (who is also taken which is why they do it this way)... I have been ignored for three days now... .I need to unfriend him and go NC (not that he is contacting me anyway)  Every time I see him do this FB stuff, its like a little piece of my heart has been taken out.  Where can I get the strength to unfriend him and move on? I have cried all day today-this is terrible  :'(

[MrConfused]

Do it, or he'll eventually do it to you. When mine was slowly cutting off our mutual friends one by one I found the strength to block her myself.

... .tho of course, I gave in and eventually unblocked her only to have her do it anyway

[sadinnc98]

Do it, or he'll eventually do it to you. When mine was slowly cutting off our mutual friends one by one I found the strength to block her myself.

... .tho of course, I gave in and eventually unblocked her only to have her do it anyway

I've tried for 30 mins and I can't... I honestly feel like my heart has been ripped out. This is terrible. I used to be such a happy person and now I am just miserable and i hurt so bad. I was so good to him... .why her? I dont understand

[sirensong65]

BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK!   He did it to me first and I was devastated.  Then when he stalked me and saw something he wanted to rage over, he unblocked me to tear into me so I immediately blocked his ass.  And I will keep it that way!

I blocked him from my personal cell, facebook and email.  I can't block him on my work cell (or atleast I am embarrassed to contact corporate and ask for it) so he still has ONE avenue to harrass if he chooses and so far he is too caught up in running his Match profile to gaslight me so we shall see... .

BLOCK BABY!  :)o it for yourself... . HE knows it is killing you to watch him on and off and that you KNOW what he is doing.  :)on't give him the power, he's taken enough.

[sadinnc98]

BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK!   He did it to me first and I was devastated.  Then when he stalked me and saw something he wanted to rage over, he unblocked me to tear into me so I immediately blocked his ass.  And I will keep it that way!

I blocked him from my personal cell, facebook and email.  I can't block him on my work cell (or atleast I am embarrassed to contact corporate and ask for it) so he still has ONE avenue to harrass if he chooses and so far he is too caught up in running his Match profile to gaslight me so we shall see... .

BLOCK BABY!  :)o it for yourself... . HE knows it is killing you to watch him on and off and that you KNOW what he is doing.  :)on't give him the power, he's taken enough.

Was it hard for you to block him? Why am I having such a tough time?  What is he even doing?

"I need the weekend alone to think... .I need to figure things out" and now nothing... I am sitting here in limbo. Id never treat anyone this way. NEVER

[seeking balance]

Was it hard for you to block him?

It is hard for everyone to do, sometimes we have to do hard things in life for our greater good.

Why am I having such a tough time? 

Because you are bargaining with grief, not quite ready to let go.

What is he even doing?

Who cares, honesty?

"I need the weekend alone to think... .I need to figure things out" and now nothing... I am sitting here in limbo. Id never treat anyone this way. NEVER

I am going to challenge you on this, you are treating YOU this way right now. 

Count to 3 - and do it.  Stop the insanity and take control of your life.

Will it hurt - yep

Will you cry - yep

Will it be anxiety producing - yep

Will you start to heal - ABSOLUTELY

Being in the bargaining phase of grief is crazy-making, you have the power to move closer to acceptance and acceptance will bring about freedom.

Best,

SB

[patientandclear]

What is he even doing?

"I need the weekend alone to think... .I need to figure things out" and now nothing... I am sitting here in limbo. Id never treat anyone this way. NEVER

He is overlapping you with intimate contact with another woman.

He is lying to you (by omission at least) about that.

It's awful that that's what he's doing, but, that's what he's doing.

I'm one of many who heard and believed "I need to try to be alone" or "I need time to sort myself out," who trustingly and supportively signed on for continued friendly contact during that process, only to find that my ex immediately began pursuing his former gf.

I started 10 months of NC a few days after I realized beyond any real doubt what was going on.  It was hard as hell.  I sobbed and sobbed after I sent a short, strong email explaining that I needed to say goodbye.  The only way I knew it was the right thing to do was when I compared it to going forward WITH contact and the knowledge that this was going on.  I would have abased myself & dishonored what the r/s meant to me.  Of the two bad choices, ending the dishonorable dynamic between the two of you is the better choice, because at least you are left with you, and you don't do further damage to yourself.

He did this.  It's terrible.  But you can't erase it by ignoring it.

Please please please don't go out with him on NYE even if he asks.  Make some other plans.  If he asks, tell him you made some other plans.

[sadinnc98]

Was it hard for you to block him?

It is hard for everyone to do, sometimes we have to do hard things in life for our greater good.

Why am I having such a tough time? 

Because you are bargaining with grief, not quite ready to let go.

What is he even doing?

Who cares, honesty?

"I need the weekend alone to think... .I need to figure things out" and now nothing... I am sitting here in limbo. Id never treat anyone this way. NEVER

I am going to challenge you on this, you are treating YOU this way right now. 

Count to 3 - and do it.  Stop the insanity and take control of your life.

Will it hurt - yep

Will you cry - yep

Will it be anxiety producing - yep

Will you start to heal - ABSOLUTELY

Being in the bargaining phase of grief is crazy-making, you have the power to move closer to acceptance and acceptance will bring about freedom.

Best,

SB

Do I need to send him an email or a text letting him know I am out and moving on? If so, what do I say? I know he won't talk to me on the phone... .he never does.

[sadinnc98]

What is he even doing?

"I need the weekend alone to think... .I need to figure things out" and now nothing... I am sitting here in limbo. Id never treat anyone this way. NEVER

He is overlapping you with intimate contact with another woman.

He is lying to you (by omission at least) about that.

It's awful that that's what he's doing, but, that's what he's doing.

I'm one of many who heard and believed "I need to try to be alone" or "I need time to sort myself out," who trustingly and supportively signed on for continued friendly contact during that process, only to find that my ex immediately began pursuing his former gf.

I started 10 months of NC a few days after I realized beyond any real doubt what was going on.  It was hard as hell.  I sobbed and sobbed after I sent a short, strong email explaining that I needed to say goodbye.  The only way I knew it was the right thing to do was when I compared it to going forward WITH contact and the knowledge that this was going on.  I would have abased myself & dishonored what the r/s meant to me.  Of the two bad choices, ending the dishonorable dynamic between the two of you is the better choice, because at least you are left with you, and you don't do further damage to yourself.

He did this.  It's terrible.  But you can't erase it by ignoring it.

Please please please don't go out with him on NYE even if he asks.  Make some other plans.  If he asks, tell him you made some other plans.

I had other friends ask me to go out tomorrow PM. I should... but I am nervous that I am going to be too sad and won't be able to get home if I need to. I know he will be taking this chick out-probably buying her a new dress and shoes like he did with me last year... taking her to the most fun and fancy place. What did your ex say in response to your email? I am thinking I need to send him an email or text?

[Cardinals in Flight]

Do the blocking! After you do? Believe it or not, you can relax a tad by knowing he cannot get in touch, trust us?  Yes, you'll want him to find a way, we all want that.  But you will be proud of yourself for taking a bit of your power back!

(())

CiF

[seeking balance]

Do I need to send him an email or a text letting him know I am out and moving on? If so, what do I say? I know he won't talk to me on the phone... .he never does.

Are you truly ready to move on and move out?

If so, make a plan of action.

Once the plan is set in stone, tell him your plan (writing is fine) and then execute it.  Don't make excuses, don't be mean to him, keep it simple and as drama free for you both as possible.


Question - this email string is about blocking FB, do you want to start with baby steps first perhaps?

[sadinnc98]

Do I need to send him an email or a text letting him know I am out and moving on? If so, what do I say? I know he won't talk to me on the phone... .he never does.

Are you truly ready to move on and move out?

If so, make a plan of action.

Once the plan is set in stone, tell him your plan (writing is fine) and then execute it.  Don't make excuses, don't be mean to him, keep it simple and as drama free for you both as possible.


Question - this email string is about blocking FB, do you want to start with baby steps first perhaps?

Do you have suggestions on the best way possible to do this? Maybe I need baby steps? I know how he is going to react already (it will be ugly). Is it better to just rip the bandaid off and do it all at once?  This is going to be soo hard, it already is... but I am tired of being miserable and chasing after this man who treats me poorly and constantly rejects me...

[sirensong65]

Darlin', we gotta tough love you right now.


Who gives a damn what he is doing, and we KNOW what he's doing... YOU know in your gut what he is doing.

I am taking my kids to dinner New Years Eve and sitting in a movie theater engrossed in an escape movie that ends at 1:18am!  I want midnight to roll through with no fanfare cause I am sure I know what he will doing, someone will be blowing his horn and popping his confetti and I want no part of it.

Do you need to write him to say you have moved on?  Seriously?  Babe, think of what you just said.  He won't bother to reach out to you and he knows you are eaten up with pain over this and YOU HAVE NO CLOSURE.  So, why in hell do you think he needs it?  He is the king of no closure.  BLOCK and make a plan for NYE with someone ANYONE and start healing.

I realize this is the pot telling the kettle what to do.  If I get weak I will come read my own advice... .!

[patientandclear]

Both times I've ended contact with my ex (and times I thought I was going to except that he responded appropriately & we ended up back on track), yes, I've sent him a clear email explaining what I was doing and why.  I really recommend it.  You know what it's like to have someone you were close to just vanish without explanation ... .it sucks.  There's no reason to behave that way, and if you do, I think it often leads to regrets later.  You should say what you want to say, so you don't wish you had later.

At the same time this doesn't need to be long and drawn out.  The more words, the easier it is for your core message to get lost.

I suggest something like:

"This isn't working for me.  It appears to me that you're developing an intimate connection with another woman.  That's your choice.  I can't be in a relationship with someone who does that, though.

I had hoped we would end up differently and this, and you, meant a great deal to me.  I need to draw appropriate conclusions from what's happening, though.  Out of respect for us both, I need to say goodbye.  I won't be in touch and I'd ask that you not contact me either.  I hope things go well for you."

I also suggest not making any eternal statements ("I don't want to talk to you ever again" because this is the sort of thing I think we end up regretting & then we re-open contact to clarify that, um, IF you stopped being a pwBPD, then I'd want to talk with you.  Just goodbye will do the trick.

And you don't need to add any angry recriminations or bitterness.  Strong is better than bitter.

What did my ex say?  After a careful, warm, open statement by me of what I needed for us to continue in our weird intimate friendship or whatever it is (I said I needed him to be able to sustain what he starts with me, and not to close down aspects of our r/s when he meets someone else), he said "well, this isn't productive.  I propose we meet up if we're ever in the same city.  Until then, cheers!"

It was clear he felt attacked and judged because I'd figured out that he was seeing other people, though it was true (ahem) and he never quite denied it -- he was just outraged that I "thought the worst of him."  Well, it was true (I was certain of this, like you are), but also, I wasn't judging him -- I didn't say he was a wretched person -- I was just removing myself from a situation that hurt me, as I had every right to do.  But that broke his rules of engagement, which are that I am around for him on whatever terms he likes at the moment.  Something about having one's cake and eating it too.  The cake walked off and that was not supposed to happen.

Fine.  Go listen to Iwalks's song (other thread) for the best statement of my reaction

It's hard.  But it was time.  I have a lot of grieving to do.  But it was time.

[seeking balance]

Do you have suggestions on the best way possible to do this? Maybe I need baby steps? I know how he is going to react already (it will be ugly). Is it better to just rip the bandaid off and do it all at once?  This is going to be soo hard, it already is... but I am tired of being miserable and chasing after this man who treats me poorly and constantly rejects me...

Stop a second, this string is about blocking him on Facebook - right?

[seeking balance]

If you are going to end it and move out, let's start a new thread so you can get feedback from some senior members and a plan.  Feel free to PM me the link when you to that.

Until then - let's focus on the Facebook question of you obsessing on him and how that is effecting you.  Let's solve the first problem first so we can get you a little balanced before tackling bigger issues.

sound ok?

[patientandclear]

I personally don't get the point of FB blocking if you are going to stay in the r/s.  It just contributes to the passive aggressive dynamic, doesn't it?

I truly don't understand the prominence of FB in all of these discussions.  FB is a venue where our r/ships get played out, it's not that FB is the r/s.  To me, you set the terms of the r/s, and then FB is one of the many places where you manifest that.

Also, I hear sadinnc saying she knows she does need to be done, more done than just FB blocking.  I fear that FB blocking just initiates some kind of dysfunctional response from her guy which then loops them back into this cycle again.  She's not needing to bait him into a pull cycle, and that's quite likely what this will do.

[seeking balance]

I personally don't get the point of FB blocking if you are going to stay in the r/s.  It just contributes to the passive aggressive dynamic, doesn't it?

Not in my opinion in this specific thread.

It is building blocks to give her some confidence in making a plan.

I truly don't understand the prominence of FB in all of these discussions.  FB is a venue where our r/ships get played out, it's not that FB is the r/s.  To me, you set the terms of the r/s, and then FB is one of the many places where you manifest that.

I respect your opinion and in theory it is correct.  However, if this were the only truth, the blocking wouldn't be as hard as it truly is.

Also, I hear sadinnc saying she knows she does need to be done, more done than just FB blocking.  I fear that FB blocking just initiates some kind of dysfunctional response from her guy which then loops them back into this cycle again.  She's not needing to bait him into a pull cycle, and that's quite likely what this will do.

Needing to be done and ready to be done are different.

You may be right, it might be baiting to him - that is why how it is done is important.  No need for some dramatic email, simply do it.  There is no need to justify protecting ourselves.

sardinnac - I am very sorry this thread seems to have gotten off your topic for a bit.  Ultimately, you get to decide how to go forward.  My 2 cents is calm yourself and be mindful in your actions.  If leaving is the goal (sounds like it is) a new thread on this topic will likely yield advice applicable to that topic.

I think we all can agree watching/stalking our exes on FB is crazy-making - this is a simple solution, block.  With this comes the reality you are really ready to end the relationship and that is emotionally hard.

There is no right or wrong answer and whatever you do, it will work out one way or the other.

Best,

SB

[sadinnc98]

Well there has been a turn of events. I just received this text:

You need to move on and find someone better suited to you and your family. Love Always.

He unfriended me so this is a moot point.  :'(

[patientandclear]

I totally agree with you SB that if sadinnc isn't ready to end the r/s, I don't mean to be pushing it.  I'm a poster child for "not ready till you're ready."  

I just was picking up several notes of "I need to get out of this r/s" in this & her prior threads.

Until then, honestly, I actually think looking at the reality on FB is helpful.  Otherwise, he's feeding her this line about needing to spend the weekend alone to get his mind clear.  And we can easily let wishful thinking take over & start to believe that sort of thing.  I think a dose of reality is really important & I don't think blocking that reality is necessarily useful.  Staring it in the face may ne what it takes to override all that saccharine stuff they say.

This week, my ex fed me a line of crap about how I was accusing him of terrible misbehavior when I gently suggested that he was substituting other people for my role in his life.  He is.  I know it from FB.  But he doesn't know that I know, and it allowed him to put the major spin moves on.  Thank goodness I did know.  Otherwise I'd have doubted my gut instinct & apologized for misjudging him.

To me, knowledge is power here.  Once the r/s is over, sure, it's helpful to protect yourself from the ongoing story.  But for now, I'm afraid sadinnc is too vulnerable to his manipulation without a source of objective information.

[patientandclear]

Oh, sadinnc, just saw your update.  Good grief, what a complete horse's *ss.

In those two sentences, he proves who he is.  I hope you can use that to see that you never, never, never would want to be with such a person.

 

[UnLuckyLady]

UGH!   Sad, I feel your pain.  He's right, you DO need to find someone better, but newsflash Dumbf**k... .I have to get over your evil wicked ass first.  Best thing for you is to move on yes, but each of us do that in our own time and in our own ways.  It'll happen... .promise

And as far as him relaying to some trick through chat... .I experienced the same thing on WhatsApp... .I could he him log in about every minute obviously talking to "someone".  Or it was the time he should be in bed (3 or 4am) and he'd be logged in.  Mhmmm... .I'm sure his mom or sister is just perky chatting with him at that time of the morning.  Friggin liar

I feel your pain... .but I am too weak of a person NOT to look so I completely uninstalled WhatsApp on my phone so I wouldn't be tempted.  Wait... .that sort of constitutes some strength in me huh?  Yay then!

[seeking balance]

Well there has been a turn of events. I just received this text:

You need to move on and find someone better suited to you and your family. Love Always.

He unfriended me so this is a moot point.  :'(

Well, you can now block him so that you can close the FB chapter totally.  As with most of us, the first unfriending was not the last.

Breathe - make a plan for YOU and YOU alone - no more drama or push/pull... .believe it or not, you can control this.

[sadinnc98]

Do I respond to his text?

[seeking balance]

Do I respond to his text?

no point really - is there?

[sadinnc98]

Do I respond to his text?

no point really - is there?

I didn't think so... just wasn't sure if I should acknowledge it... He has moved on... now its time for me to. I am just broken hearted  :'( I need to block him like suggested above so he doesn't try to recycle me for the 33rd time.

[seeking balance]

Do I respond to his text?

no point really - is there?

if you do - the only thing would be - OK

Then no more texting - at some point he is going to make you be the one to pull the plug, you will be the one to stop the insanity and detangle yourself from the spiderweb you are very deeply in... .it is only once I stopped and detached that I realized how deep in the web I had become.

[seeking balance]

I am just broken hearted  :'( I need to block him like suggested above so he doesn't try to recycle me for the 33rd time.

 

The thing about a broken heart is it can heal once we get away from the cause... .it hurts grieving, but we do heal.  I am healed of my broken heart and I never thought that would happen.  I was a mess when I found these boards.

Eventually, I started taking the advice of some of the senior members, stopped questioning the facts of the disorder and focused on me.

Focus on you now Sadinnc - cry as much as you need, tears clean the soul.  Letting go hurts, but once you do - it can get better - change is not a bad thing.

 

SB

[sadinnc98]

Do I respond to his text?

no point really - is there?

if you do - the only thing would be - OK

Then no more texting - at some point he is going to make you be the one to pull the plug, you will be the one to stop the insanity and detangle yourself from the spiderweb you are very deeply in... .it is only once I stopped and detached that I realized how deep in the web I had become.

I think I am going to wait before I decide what to do on responding or not. I am a mess at the moment and afraid I will act on emotion vs logic. I am thinking "I wish you the best" might be what I write.

[seeking balance]

I am thinking "I wish you the best" might be what I write.

Can you see this is bargaining still?

OK is acceptance... .

Good idea waiting to respond - very wise indeed.