i'm afraid that if i create, set, and enforce strong clear boundaries, that i won't be strong enough to enforce them! but also that if i DO enforce them, the person will say 'F it, and leave. i'll be all alone. no one will be friend or lover to me.
This is very real and kudos to you for having the courage to dig deep and say this - many, many of us started exactly here - our own abandonment fears.
Humans want to be accepted, part of the human condition.
Self acceptance is important. For me, I didn't realize how much pressure I put on me to be perfect in order to matter or be liked. I was way harder on me than most, (learned that from dear old mom).
I learned how to be alone, this was hard for me. Even though I felt alone much of my life, consciously being alone was different... .eventually I got to where I was good being alone, I was good with me - all of me (no more justifying or trying to be anything but me). I have funneled through friends as this process occurred and the ones I have really let me be me - as such, boundaries are respected all around.
There is no magic answer to this, but the deep understanding this is real opens up a lot of "aha's" and with awareness change can take place.
Can you pinpoint the first time you felt afraid of setting boundaries and why?
Peace,
SB