how to respond- please help

[inshock]

I have dealt with a sister that has been diagnosed with Bp. She has singlehandedly divided our family changing the dynamics forever. I have dealt with my grief and anger with no contact and minimal contact.  Through the last 5 years, I have been "blackened" at times but used when she wants something. We were very close at one time, but now are almost estranged. I keep some decorum for the children during holidays but never really have a direct conversation with her about anything important. She visits twice a year.  Her lies have gotten in the way of our healing. Because of social media, I have "caught" her in multiple lies.

I am writing because I received a random text message wanting to know when I had time to catch up on the phone.  (Some of our fracture started because I suddenly never heard from her on the phone. We use to talk every weekend for an hour and catch up with each other's live. Now I do not speak to her but maybe once a year.)

I physically feel sick to my stomach when I look at pictures of her and hear her voice. I feel so betrayed and have been trying for several years to move on emotionally. Its been hard. I have no desire to really have "small talk" with her on the phone. The only type of conversation I am interested in having is a truthful, honest one where she apologizes and explains her erratic behavior for the past five years. On the other hand, I am afraid I will never see her again if I do not pretend to "make nice" and chit chat with her. I am really torn. I have never shared with her my disdain.

How do I respond?

[bright_future_mama]

Hi,

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I know how hard it is. 

It sounds like you really need validation or an explanation from your sister.  I craved that.  I needed to make sense of all of it.  The problem is, no conversation ever got me that.  I never would get what I needed from my mother in terms of validation or an apology.  She would lie so much and not remember things (ironically, the bad things she did she would not remember but the things anyone else did to "wrong" her were ingrained in stone). You might want to write a letter (whether you send it or not is your choice), just to get a clear sense of your feelings about her behavior FOR YOURSELF.  I have found when I talk to my BPD mom, I end up feeling worse because she is so manipulative that I end up confusing myself and second guessing my feelings.  I feel ill and have anxiety when I hear my mother's voice or see pics of her.  Good luck!

[Botswana Agate]

*saying this very gently* What are the chances of you truly having an honest, truthful talk in which she genuinely apologizes for her lies and behaviour--lies in which you caught her yourself?  Why are you subjecting yourself to physical sickness and symptoms at the mere thought of such an encounter?  Perhaps because you know it will likely never happen.

My uBPD mom will NEVER apologize or take responsibility for what she did to irreparably break our family last January (reference my other posts).  I've come to terms that.  Thinking of running into her at the store or wherever used to give me some anxiety, but not anymore, because I refuse to be her victim any longer.  YOU HAVE POWER, Inshock!  What's wrong with just keeping her at a distance on social media for the time being?

[lucyhoneychurch]

Like Botswana Agate, I will say this gently too as a weary traveller on this same journey - your expectations are battling reality. You have described your reality as one where your sister is so unreasonable and hurtful. Expecting a person who does these things to suddenly become self-enlightened enough to ease your hurt and bind your emotional wound is only setting yourself up. It's like we run a scam on our own hearts, and they usually start with, "If only... . if I/we could just... . if she would just... . all I want is... . " and it flies in the face of what we know has been happening for years.

Acceptance is where our sanity lies. What's left of it.  Accepting that we have done all we can do. That these behaviors are so engrained and lifelong - magical thinking (I did that for so so many years) and catering to their demands and their abusive tactics to keep the peace or not rock the boat, always walking on eggshells, it never gets us or them any solution(s).

No response would be a good response. Just because she is disordered doesn't mean she can dictate when you have to "catch up." I know you fear being punished if you don't give her what she wants. But what would be the worst that could happen - she's angry and leaves you alone? she says untrue things? she targets someone else perhaps for a change?

None of those are deadly outcomes. She and you will both survive them. My family of origin has withstood any and all crazy bizarre awful developments over 40 yrs and the enablers are still enabling, the now late abuser is gone, but the dynamics haven't shifted one iota.

Think about your dreams - why do we give up our dreams of calm and quiet to them? why do we not keep pecking away at the idea we have rights and we can defend them with silence and not engaging and not catering to/appeasing them... .

Please know i am not judging anything you've said. Or worry about. I am like an older shadow of you and I remember feeling completely stuck and unable to stem the tide of awfulness.  The only way to watch it ebb away is to go where we can't see it - or hear it.

Take it all back down a notch to minimal social media stuff.

And even then you can withdraw further from that if you are still in pain.

it's a sorrowful thing. Tragic. Keep your dreams somewhere nearby and water them and hug them tight.

[beatup]

I have a sister just like yours. After a 6 month spell of abuse from her, I snapped and wrote several emails to spell out what I felt was unacceptable. I needed to do that... . for me. and I set my boundary... . no remorse + no responsibility + no amends=no relationship. she was so mad that she blocked my emails, that was fine, I expected that.

  I snapped because she wanted to get our relationship back on track ie. pretend nothing ever happened or nothing ever was said.

  that was 5 yrs ago and we have had vlc since then. I have used that time to heal emotionally and physically.

  it is a difficult choice to make but please consider your own health and well being... .

[Eureka1]

When my Mom died, I grieved alone.  I went through the grief of not having a sister I could share memories with.  When I would try and talk to my sister using the approach I learned at NAMI  (making "I" statements versus "You" statements), it could me nowhere.  My sister would turn it all back on me. 

If you let her know your feelings, she will use it as a weapon against you.  I hate to be so grim, but that is my experience.  I am still healing- some days are better than others. 

I understand your angst.  I have been there.