Still Hard to understand after a year

[Dela]

1 year out after my BPDexgf left me after 2 and half years and im still trying to understand it all.

was laying in bed waiting for her to come home, receive a txt at 1am saying I dont Love you anymore im staying at my friends house ill pick my stuff up tommoro.

I tried calling her she wouldnt answer, I kept trying and when she finally picked up she yelled stop calling me and harrassing me or ill call the cops.

She left for a night after a fight 2 months before the last break up, and came back the next morning saying how much she missed me but we have to work on things and I had to change, everything was my fault.

The confusing thing is that the weeks leading up to it we had never been soo close, saying how good I have been to her how we are getting along so well and shes never missed me soo much when I have been at work. put the xmas tree up together, she wanted us to move down to be closer to her parents cause I work away for a week at a time and she wanted me to be home every night.

The next day after the break up I get a Call from the Police saying they have my gf there and she wants to pick up her stuff and if there is going to be any trouble, that completly shocked me I had never been physically abusive to her or anything. She came round with her friend and was so cruel, the day before we were lying in bed cuddling.

Telling me im just here to pick up my stuff and to not talk to her or her friend and shes moving in with her.

We had a dog that we had for 2 years we raised from a puppy that she always called her baby and she loved her soo much and so did I.

After the Breakup she didnt take her told me Shes mine shes in my name, I couldnt keep her being away for a week at a time so I eventually had to give her to the RSPCA which was so hard to do and was the only time I cried in the whole break up.

she carried On the next couple weeks saying I owe her Money even tho the whole time we were together I payed all the bills all the rent. Saying My ex treated me way better then you (she always said he abused her and belittled her), No wonder my dad hates me etc.

I did everything for her we were Financially secure renting beautiful houses Cause of my Job.

Her Red flags

Told me first night we meet that her mum sent her up to live with family friends cause she caught her cutting herself

Told me the family friends dad tried touching her, so I told her to move in with me.

Was sexually abused at 3 years old, so was I when I was 6

Ex Abused her

Rang me up in a panic one morning saying your going to think im crazy and wanna break up with me, when I was at work saying she heard the dining room chairs and table upstairs move and when she got up there they had all turned around but the doors were all locked that was after 6 months of dating

Lost 5 jobs in 2 half years with one employer ringing her up saying shes not a nice person we dont want you back here, she was crying after that

2 months before last break up we had a small fight in bed and she went into the loung curled up on the couch and was shaking and crying and hyperventalating, I tried to comfort her saying I love her and everything I was ready to call the Ambulance I was scared, I never seen anyone like that.

But we also had the great times That I miss, we had alot of fun and laughs. i took her to NZ to meet my family, (they could tell there was something not right with her)

I still miss her heaps I found out last february she moved stright into a place with a guy she works withwho still lives with his parents, which was a real confidence killer and it still is. I gave her everything

She isnt Diagnosed BPD does this sound like it is though?

Im still soo confused about it all after a year

[magichat101]

Mine told our friends and me that she was going to marry me and all of these nice things and 10 days later she broke up with me... . go figure... .

[Dela]

It does your head in doesn't it. how they can say all that stuff, we were engaged and she was even saying the night before how much she loves me

[Clearmind]

Dela, work on what it is that drew you to a toxic relationship rather than concentrate on what she did or didn't do. Answers don't lie with her and when we concentrate and expend so much energy on them we miss the point of discovering about us and why we were attracted.

For me, had I had more self worth I would never have entertained the thought of resucing a Borderline. I have self worth now and am highly allergic to dysfunction. I love myself too much to want all that in my life.

My self worth was low and my own childhood dysfunctional. I mirrored the way my parent a were in their relationship. Our parents are our teaches and is where we generally learn our relationship skills.

Shift the focus to you.

[free-n-clear]

She isn't Diagnosed BPD does this sound like it is though?

 Hi, Dela. Most pwBPD are never diagnosed because they are in denial about having a problem. Someone posted here somewhere that "the disorder exists to deny the existence of the disorder". But from what you've said, I'd say that it's likely.

         Clearmind's right about not concentrating too much on her. Near the top of the "Leaving" board there's a "Suggested Reading" section where you'll find some helpful stuff on rumination (brooding or constantly thinking about her). Hope you make good use of the resources here, bro. There's lots of good people here whenever you need some advice, or just a cyber-shoulder to cry on.   

[EdR]

She isn't Diagnosed BPD does this sound like it is though?

 Hi, Dela. Most pwBPD are never diagnosed because they are in denial about having a problem. Someone posted here somewhere that "the disorder exists to deny the existence of the disorder". But from what you've said, I'd say that it's likely.

         Clearmind's right about not concentrating too much on her. Near the top of the "Leaving" board there's a "Suggested Reading" section where you'll find some helpful stuff on rumination (brooding or constantly thinking about her). Hope you make good use of the resources here, bro. There's lots of good people here whenever you need some advice, or just a cyber-shoulder to cry on.   

Some good advice in this thread. I wouldn't worry too much about the actual diagnosis either. What was said (in bold and underlined) by Dela is true imo. Maybe it's not even denial... . it's just the fact that they can't deal with such issues.

Worrying about BPD was actually one of the causes for my concern (and the following ruminations). Especially given the '8-10% will commit suicide' figure. So, just try and don't focus on that for too long.

Try and maintain your distance. Emotionally and physically. It will still be hard, but you will get there. :-)

[Perfidy]

Dela, work on what it is that drew you to a toxic relationship rather than concentrate on what she did or didn't do. Answers don't lie with her and when we concentrate and expend so much energy on them we miss the point of discovering about us and why we were attracted.

For me, had I had more self worth I would never have entertained the thought of resucing a Borderline. I have self worth now and am highly allergic to dysfunction. I love myself too much to want all that in my life.

My self worth was low and my own childhood dysfunctional. I mirrored the way my parent a were in their relationship. Our parents are our teaches and is where we generally learn our relationship skills.

Shift the focus to you.

Nothing changed for me until I started focusing entirely on myself. It took a long time for me to get this. I was suffering needlessly. Nine plus months later I still suffer but not as much and not as long. There were days on end that turned into months of needless suffering. I got stuck in the depression. It was horrible to say the least. Crushing darkness.  I still fall back into it on occasion and when I do I look at myself and see what I've been doing. I adjust external factors. Some things are not external and then I do counseling. She's gone. This is all about me now.