Hi kellykaye,
Seneca, he rages, acts out, and projects things onto me. I just recently figured out that their triggers are hard to find. I can do something small, such as not walking him to the door when he is leaving, and after a few of those, I do think he starts feeling rejected.
His evil self came out on nowhere. His nice mood came out of nowhere. I dont know what mood it will be this weekend. During these episodes I noticed he is very, very stressed. work related stress and I think he takes on more work than he can handle.
yeah, it sometimes comes out of nowhere.
We can not avoid triggering. Trying to do so is walking on eggshells.
Intensely focusing on triggers give us sometimes a success like you describe but sometimes fails miserably like you describe. You put high stakes on this game - well you are on your way to gambling addiction then as this is intermittent re-enforcement.
We can however avoid some triggering.
Avoiding invalidation is key here as it breaks the invalidation begets invalidation vicious circle. Invalidation is a major trigger.
Avoiding invalidation now could be just another name for walking on eggshells as it has the "avoiding" bit. Playing the game as "not doing something wrong" is a loosing proposition as we certainly will sometimes misstep. Even worse we may have an inkling where wrong is but are not clear as we don't know where right is. And last but not least NOT thinking of a white elephant is conjuring what in our mind - yeah, a white big mammal.
The way to avoid invalidation is to focus on the opposite namely validation. That builds our understanding of how things truly are - even if they may be quite bad. It builds a deposit on which the relationship can draw when missteps happen on either side (it takes 5 validation deposits to cover an invalidation withdrawal in a healthy relationship). This avoids not just triggering but it builds understanding that allows both sides to steer away from future triggering. It also takes away the foundation of the victim stance of the pwBPD. And when done persistently the pwBPD may pick up some self validation capability along the way too.
As triggers are often caused by invalidation it can be helpful to analyze what may be behind them as managing the emotion behind the triggering may well be more effective in the short and long run than to trying to manage situations. Often when managing the situation we may fix the situation but a upset pwBPD conjures a new situation out of thin air faster than Harry Potter ever could.
I just read that minor separation can trigger episodes. Apparently, thats why mine does this. He is always away from me working, as he has to go out of town for a month or so every two years. Thats when it happens. He does go out of town to work on any given day but not for a month. A week, he is fine.
Is there any way to "un-trigger" these episodes? Or do they just have to play out?
He reacts with rage and threats to leave me. Which Im right in the middle of now.
Ok, we have separation anxiety here. To validate that you need to tell him
- concerned about him away
- different
- big change
- worried about you
- not seeing each other
- anything bad could happen and one has to deal with it alone. Scary indeed.
etc.
Invalidating and likely triggering would be:
- not a big deal
- I love you forever
- don't have to worry
- I'll manage
Validating negative emotions takes a bit of practice but once learned it can make a big difference. Proper validation is also a useful life skill helping us to connect to others so it is worth learning and practicing outside the romantic relationship as well.
