uBPD mother passed, co-NC'er brother now NC with me for 11 months...

[lucyhoneychurch]

I am still picking my jaw up off the floor.

Never saw it coming. Not after all the phone calls and visits where we actually would come up with (sort of Carol Burnett style twisted humor) names for some of the crap that would go on... . the 'rents' names and behaviors referred to as the ":)&L Show"... . his panic when voicemails from enmeshed critical father would demand lunch or visit... . my disgust that parents could cause a grown son that much worry when he had enough on his plate... . my saying so over and over again that he didn't have to engage at all... . not one bit... .

His saying that my example of stepping away from it gave him courage to do the same thing, he could see how it gave me space to handle crises of my own or my family's.

His knowing I was getting divorced... . his knowing I had a stroke less than 2 yrs ago that could've left me hugely hemiplegia'd or dead... . his knowing this and that... .

And yet he walked.

I told him to see her at hosp if it might help him once she was gone... . that I was here for him 100% and he knew I meant that if I said it... .

I told him to remember he could leave the hosp room if he needed to or anyone started something... . just step out into the hall... . I was coaching him when he sounded like he wanted to be there and hold her hand, even though it was repugnant to me that he could do that with the things she had done to him for years... . it wasn't about me, it was about him wanting to be beside her bed... .

Nothing from him for 10 days. His job is a very dangerous one, I had texted here adn there, like, "Hey whatcha doing how are you?" nothing back... .

Then found out 2 weeks later he'd gone to another state 2 statelines away to see her where they'd moved her near our sister to a facility/hospice.

I get that. but I wouldn't have been looking 2 states away for him wondering if he were alive or not ... . as this was a place he hadn't called or visited in *years* and hadn't wanted to ever again... .

She had to be moved. He had to see her. Check.

But after so many times of my wanting to be there for him (no one made me) and driving down to see him when his world was coming unglued (his little boy's mother DUIs and hospitalizations etc for substance abuse)... . no one made me I wanted to... .

I guess I was thinking I'd be informed if he hit the road for 10 days to the last place on earth I'd ever think to look.

The shock is about him.

Not her.

And I never saw any of it coming.

We would talk about what it'd be like maybe once she or they were gone... .

The idea he'd get sucked back in... . where our father treats him like crap... . the sister echoing that sentiment, her husband doing so as well... .

Extended family thinks he's a loser as that is what our father has passed on to them... .

He's not a loser, never has been, except in their eyes and oh so sadly his own.

So I am NOT coping. I turn 51 a week from today. I didn't have a 50th birthday party last year when I think it would've been well deserved after crappy medical stuff from hell for years... . because I was told from Jan 1 she was dying. Even when you don't love your mother and feel she is why your family fell apart and lived in hell for so long... . I just couldn't have friends and fun and laugh waiting to hear she was gone. Now I wish I had.

I am NOT coping with NO FAMILY.

NONE. My youngest daughter, a really lovely (very tall ) girl, has moved in with her father because we were having mom vs princess issues (so pretty minor in most families but I was sick of it - maid service fired the princess)... .

Best joke of all is that a lifelong friend decided to lecture me on the fracture with my brother, and threw my sister in on top of htat - "Think of the Boston bombing, life is short! (tell a heart patient life is short why dontcha?    they are GOOD people (so what am I? against the Four Laws making an assumption but duhhhhhhhh)... . "

So another connection under the BPD bus... . oddly enough, this friend's very alcohol-addicted elderly dad, on hearing of my mother's demise, sent a card that simply said, "Thinking of you, remember you and hit_ in your young silly years, we love you" and he and Alice signed it... . how simple, how sweet and loving.

ONE cousin wrote me and said, "It has to be difficult, given the situation." How simple how sweet and loving!

Need the board to vent stuff like that... . to think out loud... . to get some feedback to get some support. My gardening is my normal route for therapy but it's zero outside today and that is months away.

Michael J Fox told Rolling Stone that expectations can be downfall of contentment... . that is my life in a nutshell. I loved that interview highly recommend it. He takes everything a day at a time. So how could Parkinson's and living a life tainted by BPD be anything alike? We wish for things that just are not going to happen.

In this case... . I thought that once the disordered person was gone, things would be okay. I never knew that they could actually get worse for me.

thank you for reading this.

[Sitara]

I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to let you know you aren't alone.  I lost my entire family when I asked my mom to be more respectful - she stopped talking to me, my dad just acts as her middle-man, and my sister and her family cut contact (not that we were ever close to begin with, but it still hurt).

I'm sorry for what you've been through. 

[lucyhoneychurch]

Thank you Sitara... . it always helps so much just writing it out. Sort of bounce it out into the universe.  Cyberspace at least pretty much guarantees a lovely response on a board like this one.

Thank you again. I am sorry for your family dynamics as well.

[lucyhoneychurch]

copy of her will emailed to me by probate judge's office yesterday... .

From no contact with any of them from 2006 to Dec '12... . and fearing any sighting or voicemails etc right up to Jan 1/ '13... . he is the 2nd alternate executor.

It's about whatever works for him. That's mentally a check mark in my head.

Heart wise - screw him. Never want to see him or lay eyes on him. Held his hand practically literally during Lasix surgery, kidney stone, DUI stuff with his ex, panicky this and that... . and I guess if I were still in the dark, I'd do it all over again.

His price tag on our relationship as siblings was getting back into the fold.

Maya Angelou:  "When people show you who they are the first time, believe them."

I had many occasions to see the poor training he'd gotten just like I did, how it was leading him to make choices or decisions that seemed to blow back an awful lot - as have mine.

I just mistakenly assumed we were in the long haul together.

Assumptions - we know where those take us right...

anyway... . for anyone who might have similar dynamics... . forewarned is forearmed.

best of luck to all of you.